Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read

[Lorrie]

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.



At 1:00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”


“‘I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”


“Wow!” he exclaimed. “That’s a great idea!”


“‘Good,” she replied, “Get your own fucking blanket.”


After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

[pjpete]

Yes, Yes, I Understand Why The Guy Did Not Kiss The Frog. One Cannot Blame Him........

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Lorrie]

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Yesterday, I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pets, Shane and Codette, I was in the checkout line, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear, and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

[Lorrie]

As a Parent, I often wonder if I taught my son & daughter everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life.

You know what I mean . .. . . .don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But you know I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice. Lets face it, if my son or daughter ever tried this totally idiotic stunt I would figure they are way too stupid to make it in this world anyway......!

Never . . .

Ever . . .

Ever . . .
Put a FIRECRACKER
in your ass and light it.

.
.
.
.
.
.

[Lorrie]

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

BUT IT IS KINDA FUNNY:

Subject: Fame has its price...

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue.

Michelle Obama got the same offer . . . from National Geographic.

;))

[Braggi]

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

...

No, you shouldn't have. Bad bad Lorrie.

It's Hustler, BTW, that offers celebrities the million bucks.

Funny, I was just wondering last night if Hustler had contacted Ms. Palin yet.

-Jeff

[MsTerry]

Funny, I was just wondering last night if Hustler had contacted Ms. Palin yet.

-Jeff

What else were you wondering last night, while perusing your Hustler........

[Lorrie]

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

:policeman:

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,

:mime:

someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5 o'clock...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'


As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

:JIB:

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[Lorrie]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So, she continued upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me", the woman exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,014 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Lorrie]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for
computer problems.


No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[Lorrie]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie de tector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Lorrie]

ANOTHER DAY IN CALIFORNIA

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a gentleman tourist came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.


Seeing this tourist inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"


"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


"You've gotta be kiddin' me."


"No. Would you like to give it a try?"


Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the heck happened to you?"


He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,


"This just ain't gonna be your day............cupcake..."

[Lorrie]

Now after doing some research on that "tree hugger" picture, I found this website.
It is very very sad and funny at the same time.
I think if you want a good political laugh you should check it out sometime...

ProBush.com "You're with us or you're with the enemy."
There are alot of traitors in the world. Can they all be wrong?
Some people can be soooo passionate about stuff.... giggle.

[Braggi]

Now after doing some research on that "tree hugger" picture, I found this website.
It is very very sad and funny at the same time.
I think if you want a good political laugh you should check it out sometime...

Wow, it almost reads like a spoof site. Looks like something from the Borowitz Report or The Onion. These people are actually serious. Sheesh.

-Jeff

[bakerchic]

This joke is racist, and you should not have posted it. We know these jokes and thoughts circulate, but I would never perpetuate them. It wasn't even a little funny.

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

BUT IT IS KINDA FUNNY:

Subject: Fame has its price...

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue.

Michelle Obama got the same offer . . . from National Geographic.

;))

[Lorrie]

Oh but you are wrong... it is a little funny. I laughed (a little) is a bad joke I said that. It is in the "Censored & Un-Censored" catagory if you can't handle that don't come here.
I am glad you got to say your peace. But still it's just a joke...you don't have to read it ya know.
I am glad you are not perpetuating them...
That makes it available for me to.
Everybody underneath to any certain individual they judge - when they judge-is predjudice, or racist, or whatever...

You have judged this joke. And this joke like all jokes is simply making fun, and does not literally apply.
If anyone else find this one sooooooo offensive then tell me I will remove it. No problem. But then I am censored...good thing I posted these in this catagory huh?

This joke is racist, and you should not have posted it. We know these jokes and thoughts circulate, but I would never perpetuate them. It wasn't even a little funny.

[Lorrie]

OLD FOLK JOKES SERENITY We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us... We had to stay up all night lighting them! Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I get winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. "I'm ninety-two years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief'.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Lorrie]

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love your son,
John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. It's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Lorrie]

Gorilla of dreams....

A small zoo in Alabama obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.


Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of BobbyLee Walton...a redneck part-time worker, responsible for cleaning the animal cages. BobbyLee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. BobbyLee was approached with the proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00. BobbyLee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, BobbyLee announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:


"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.


"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.


"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week tocome up with the $500.

[Lorrie]

Bad Times Have Hit... VERY SAD!!!


Got Milk?


I live on a farm and times are pretty hard as the area I live in is considered economically depressed.
It's so bad, that I've heard some of our neighbors were having a hard time making ends meet.


This morning, I woke up to hear a knock at the door. When I went to answer the door -- this is the sad sight that I saw. It just about broke my heart...!!


Please scroll down, to see for yourself...! !

[Lorrie]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer



CFO- Corporate Fraud Officer


BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius


BEAR MARKET– A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.


STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

# # # # #

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.


But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

It' s called the 401-Keg.

~~~~~

[Lorrie]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.! '

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge ! Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say, if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'

[Lorrie]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)


There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UPfor election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room,polishUP the silver, we warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and some guys fix UPthe old car. At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, lineUP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night.We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many waysUP is used. It will takeUPa lot of your time,but if you don't giveUP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wetsUP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U. P.
Now I'll shut up!

[Lorrie]

Ted's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital.

The ER doctor says, "Wow! that's pretty bad, but don't worry!
Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Ted says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doc says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers!
This is a modern hospital, we've got highly trained micro
surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. But we have
to have the fingers to reattach. Why didn't you bring them
with you?"

Ted says, "Well shit Doc! I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em
up!"

[Lorrie]

A drunk walks out of a
bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Lorrie]

Why men shouldn't take messages...

The wife came home after work and went into the kitchen on the refrigerator was a message taken and left by her husband.

It read:

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Papst Beer is Normal....


I didn't even know you liked beer."

[Lorrie]

A man owned a small farm in California.

The Labor Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[Lorrie]

The Black Bodice, stiletto heels and a mask...
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.



My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, you are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, stiletto heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Lorrie]

Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom in her hand, and having the guts to ask:

'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions....
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,
since both ultimately result in death.

[Lorrie]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:' In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.'

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poo, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.