Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read

[decterlove]

Where do you come up with this stuff, Lorrie? No, no....don't tell me but let me take a wild guess just for the _______ of it.

Do you have a little round fecund statue of a female deity who specializes in humor? Do you lite a candle for her each night and in the morning, find a joke on your pillow?

Whatever it is.......I like it. Here's a homegrown that I may have posted before but what the hell...live dangerously. I'm beginning to wonder if you might be my missing girlfriend in this piece...

Short Women with Big Wits

I once dated a woman who had an extraordinary sense of wit. She was very petite, but pound per pound, I think she was at least 100 times wittier than Paula Poundstone.

She was so funny, in fact, all the time, non-stop, almost 24 hours a day, that I began to suspect she actually burned calories making her various satiric comments. Her wit was not merely a highly acerbic activity, but a highly aerobic one too!

(Think Robin Williams, in drag and on steroids, only prettier, and not as muscular or hairy, drinking Triple Expresso Lattes, and scarfing Penguin Caffeinated Chocolate Mints!)

I mean when we woke up in the middle of the night to pee or something, she would start cracking so many jokes that it was very hard for both of us to get back to sleep. We'd get laughing so hard we would actually fall off the bed, and after regaining our composure and getting back on top of the mattress, we'd wind up falling off again! Bruise City, I'm tellin' ya! Dating her was like an Extreme sport!

It became slightly troubling to me at times, though, and I should have known that there would ultimately be a terrible price to pay for all these free jokes we were enjoying. She couldn't stop joking! She was like a joke-aholic! She lived to joke rather than joked to live! She was no longer in control of her own humor! HER HUMOR CONTROLLED HER!

Alarmingly, she actually started losing weight from the intensity with which she practised and memorized each new joke she wrote! Pretty soon this very pretty little witty woman became a very witty itty bitty little bitty itty pretty witty woman! She shrank vertically as well, as so much of her life force was now wholly devoted to this all consuming passion and purpose in her life! It negatively impacted our sex life too, of course. Every time we would start making out, well you know, she would start making jokes!

Finally one night after she had reached nearly LILLIPUTIAN proportions, I woke up in bed and I could hear her cracking jokes and laughing very loudly, especially for such a now ultra-super-petite-sized woman, who at this point was much smaller than your average-sized store bought Barbie doll. But I could no longer find her in the bed! Jumping up, I tossed all the sheets aside, searched inside the pillow cases, and in the duvet cover, and even under the mattress, and I still couldn't find her anywhere! I could hear her fading hysterical laughter though, and soft mutterings to herself. Something about a priest and a rabbi going into a bar! It was eerie!

I never saw her again after that but I did hear some neighbors laughing loudly down the street one evening a few weeks later, and have always wondered if they were laughing at her, or with her, perhaps, or just at That Seventies Show.

I still dearly miss all the fun times we had together, but I am SOOOOOOO DONE WITH FUNNY WOMEN!!!!!!

Now I'm looking for a woman WHO'S NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER EVEN ONCE, GIGGLED IN HER WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Know any totally hot babes that can keep a straight face through an onslaught of BRAND NEW Polish jokes??

Cheers.

UCLA Study
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

[Lorrie]

It is as the title reads...
"Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read"

If they email I will post!

Where do you come up with this stuff, Lorrie? No, no....don't tell me but let me take a wild guess just for the _______ of it.

Do you have a little round fecund statue of a female deity who specializes in humor? Do you lite a candle for her each night and in the morning, find a joke on your pillow?

Whatever it is.......I like it. Here's a homegrown that I may have posted before but what the hell...live dangerously. I'm beginning to wonder if you might be my missing girlfriend in this piece...

Short Women with Big Wits

I once dated a woman who had an extraordinary sense of wit. She was very petite, but pound per pound, I think she was at least 100 times wittier than Paula Poundstone.

She was so funny, in fact, all the time, non-stop, almost 24 hours a day, that I began to suspect she actually burned calories making her various satiric comments. Her wit was not merely a highly acerbic activity, but a highly aerobic one too!

(Think Robin Williams, in drag and on steroids, only prettier, and not as muscular or hairy, drinking Triple Expresso Lattes, and scarfing Penguin Caffeinated Chocolate Mints!)

I mean when we woke up in the middle of the night to pee or something, she would start cracking so many jokes that it was very hard for both of us to get back to sleep. We'd get laughing so hard we would actually fall off the bed, and after regaining our composure and getting back on top of the mattress, we'd wind up falling off again! Bruise City, I'm tellin' ya! Dating her was like an Extreme sport!

It became slightly troubling to me at times, though, and I should have known that there would ultimately be a terrible price to pay for all these free jokes we were enjoying. She couldn't stop joking! She was like a joke-aholic! She lived to joke rather than joked to live! She was no longer in control of her own humor! HER HUMOR CONTROLLED HER!

Alarmingly, she actually started losing weight from the intensity with which she practised and memorized each new joke she wrote! Pretty soon this very pretty little witty woman became a very witty itty bitty little bitty itty pretty witty woman! She shrank vertically as well, as so much of her life force was now wholly devoted to this all consuming passion and purpose in her life! It negatively impacted our sex life too, of course. Every time we would start making out, well you know, she would start making jokes!

Finally one night after she had reached nearly LILLIPUTIAN proportions, I woke up in bed and I could hear her cracking jokes and laughing very loudly, especially for such a now ultra-super-petite-sized woman, who at this point was much smaller than your average-sized store bought Barbie doll. But I could no longer find her in the bed! Jumping up, I tossed all the sheets aside, searched inside the pillow cases, and in the duvet cover, and even under the mattress, and I still couldn't find her anywhere! I could hear her fading hysterical laughter though, and soft mutterings to herself. Something about a priest and a rabbi going into a bar! It was eerie!

I never saw her again after that but I did hear some neighbors laughing loudly down the street one evening a few weeks later, and have always wondered if they were laughing at her, or with her, perhaps, or just at That Seventies Show.

I still dearly miss all the fun times we had together, but I am SOOOOOOO DONE WITH FUNNY WOMEN!!!!!!

Now I'm looking for a woman WHO'S NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER EVEN ONCE, GIGGLED IN HER WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Know any totally hot babes that can keep a straight face through an onslaught of BRAND NEW Polish jokes??

Cheers.

[Lorrie]

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shriner Circus and didn't want to be late.

:swami:

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

:policeman:

The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, from SC, got out and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him doing this,went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test.'

[Lorrie]

NOTE FROM LORRIE: You've all probably seen these at one time or another in you email box.
I have a very dear friend in Oklahoma She is a kick in the ass funny!
Anyway she got this from her sister. I thought her answers were hillarious so I thought you'd all enjoy too!
I have not changed anything from email to this post!
Directions!
Here Is What You Are Supposed To Do...
Please Do Not Spoil TheFun!
Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers.
Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know...And Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers.

Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Know.


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER anyone

No

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
what day is this?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
yeah but I'm not in love with it

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH Meat?
pimento cheese

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Oh geez! I knew there was something I forgot to do.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
What is this a trick question?
If I was another person there would be no me to be friends with.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT
Ha! what do you think

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS

Who made this questionnaire up?
Who asks their friends if they still have their tonsils? Is that a decision maker on friendship? Next they're gonna wanna know about my appendix, and my uterus and my wisdom teeth.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
maybe, maybe not

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL

Total, once a day every day.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I don't wear shoes.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Strong, but not strong enough.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla.
It's made with milk from contented cows that live in Brenham, Texas.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Up til now their face but from now on I'm going to start looking to see if they have their tonsils or not.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm hard on myself

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Mother

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
No

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
blue jeans and barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE
chocolate cake

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
election results
Yes We Can!!!

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
homemade bread and something else I can't mention here.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A truck driver from Moscow, Kansas on his way to Optima, Oklahoma.
Are you starting to worry about me yet?

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

well of course, what do you expect me to say when I'm supposed to send this back to them. LOL

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Don't watch sports

27. HAIR COLOR?
brown with gray highlights.
It's the natural look.

28. EYE COLOR?
green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no


30. FAVORITE FOOD?
biscuits and gravy

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS.
happy endings


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Decision at Sundown with Randolph Scott

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
white with green stripes


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Winter

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses, the ones with almonds in them.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
homemade chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven with a cup of cold milk to dunk them in.


37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
nobody

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPond .
anybody

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I don't know how to read



40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A mouse , duh!!!!!!!!!!! lol. mouse droppings .

I agree, Duh! is right. I'll go with his answer on this one. Another trick question.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT?
I can't remember that far back I have CRS disease (Can't Remember Shit)

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
a can of cold beer being opened up.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Elvis

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Mars. I was abducted by aliens late one night on a country road.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I've survived the last 54 years.
Does that count?

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
My Mom always told me they found me in a cabbage patch.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
The aliens from Mars.

[Lorrie]

:football:


FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense...........

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

[Lorrie]

We are in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 15 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.


Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1 ,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.


Nice, Real nice.

[Lorrie]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.


"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"



"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."




A Prayer.......

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

[Lorrie]

A professor at the University of Montana was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contrations to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly......

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while your're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies!"

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[Lorrie]

BOY AND BASEBALL
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"

[Lorrie]

Well this is a little late as I have been away from my email through thanksgiving...But it is still funny!!


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and creamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,


"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Lorrie]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008

1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ' Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Lorrie]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.


He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'


'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'

[Lorrie]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water or lime slices in my Corona without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
Nor can I sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes orfeathers.

I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually&n bsp; Al Qaeda in disguise.

I won't shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 14,000 people in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....and a safe New Year!

Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Lorrie]

We all need a stripper name. See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends.

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

(I, Lorrie's Stripper Name
or maybe I will just make it my new name is: SUGAR VELVET KISS!!) SO TRUE...


Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break it up. And if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is yet another dose of humor.......

Follow the instructions to find your new name.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Pinky
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixie
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitzy
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooters
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = storm
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

Now when/if you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.

[Lorrie]

THE TOY FACTORY TEST

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory. She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."


"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Lorrie]

Butt Measurements funny haha

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big. I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. And continued working.


Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks..................


She answers:
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for that little weenie?"
:bbq:

[Lorrie]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
______________________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
______________________________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

[Lorrie]

They were flying on a Southwest Airlines flight when a little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son he should go ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom. Did your mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you.'

[Lorrie]

Don't Fart in Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of Farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out, then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bow l where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back prettygood.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him, "what was the matter."

He said, "Honey, you were right, all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up Farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

[Lorrie]

THE REAL CHRISTMAS STORY........ When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" .....And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

[Lorrie]

BLACK PANTIES

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, they hit it off amazingly. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,

"I Want to offer you my deepest condolences."

[Lorrie]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that PreMenstral Syndrome is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt...

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

[Lorrie]

How to turn a man off

1. Ask him, “Do you think I am fat?”. Repeat at least seven times per day.
2. Insist that he wear only the clothes you buy for him. Especially chenille sweaters. Lovely.
3. Take him with you to buy new couch pillows. Spend eight hours choosing the perfect ones. Decide in the checkout line you’d rather buy new curtains. Return home empty handed.
4. Question his taste in friends at least twice a week.
5. Sigh. Disgustedly. Often.
6. Look lovingly at him and ask, “What are you thinking about?”
7. Expect his response to be, “You, dear. Only you.”
8. Assume he knows why you are angry.
9. When he asks what is wrong with you, say, “Nothing.”
10. At least once a week, during prime time television, tell him you’d like to talk about your “feelings”.
11. Tell your friends every detail of your marriage. Tell your man what your friends said.
12. Always assume that unless you tell him to do something, he will not do what needs to be done.
13. Call him Pumpkin, Sugar Daddy, or Big Boy in front of his friends and co-workers.
14. Tell his boss that he’s really a big softie and cried during Titanic.
15. Talk about your “cycle”.
16. Obsess over all his ex-girlfriends.
17. Talk about the kids during foreplay.
18. Take EVERYTHING personally.
19. Don’t shave your legs.
20. Force him to attend a couple’s shower.
21. When he’s watching the game - ask, “Is this the only thing on tv tonight?”
22. Ask him if he wants to have a fifth child.

[Lorrie]

A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Lorrie]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,

'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,

'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,

'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer,
'Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,

'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says,
'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Lorrie]

~Can you solve this puzzle?~

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.


On your left side is a drop off.


On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.


Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?



For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.



*Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.*

[Lorrie]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.


Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and saw her in the hallway buck naked! Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans closer and says:

"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans even closer and says

"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says..............



"Grandpa....Go home. you're drunk.

[Lorrie]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 iles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change:$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine..

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Drink Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Drink Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Drink Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Drink Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail..

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

[Lorrie]

So a blonde goes into a Wal-Mart and sees a TV that she wants to buy, when she asks the guy at the store he says,

"No, we don't serve blondes here."

She comes back the next day wearing a redheaded wig and asks the same thing and again he repeats,

"Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."

She comes back the next day dressed as an asian and when the same thing repeats she says,

"How do you know I'm a blonde and why won't you serve me?"
And the guy said,

"Well, it's because that's not a TV, that's a microwave."

[Lorrie]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!"