A few months ago I made a discovery so shocking that it forced me to re-examine my entire life from childhood to adulthood. I learned about clinical narcissism. Everybody knows people who are self-centered. In fact, everybody is self-centered at times, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. People who are overly self-centered are sometimes called narcissistic, a term that has come into colloquial use. However, there is a real, clinical condition called "narcissistic personality disorder," (NPD), and people who have it are not rare. They may be football coaches, bankers, construction workers, travel agents, politicians, or philanthropists. In fact, they may be anybody, and they may enter our lives as mere nuisances, walking catastrophes., or anything in between. Fortunate people have antennae that enable them to detect and steer away from narcissists. Many others are less fortunate. We unfortunate ones need to be educated, because our happiness, financial security, and even our very lives may depend on our ability to protect ourselves against these people. This essay is my small attempt to share what I have learned.
Most narcissists underwent a childhood trauma so severe that they could not face up to the pain. To deal with the aftermath of the trauma, they invent a false self that they present to the world as a real person. This false self has one central purpose, to obtain narcissistic supply in the form of admiration, approval, hatred, or any other form of attention. Although narcissists may give a convincing impression of relating to people honestly and even intimately, they see other people as mere players on their stage. Narcissists recognize but do not care about others' feelings, needs, vulnerabilities, or anything else that makes us human. We are mere puppets to them.
Through reading and examination of my own experience, I've composed a list of characteristics that may be especially useful for long-distance detection (as opposed to clinical diagnosis).
1) Compulsive talking. I hasten to say that this trait cannot provide a definitive diagnosis. Some people talk too much because they are anxious, and it is certainly possible to be anxious without being narcissistic. Nevertheless, compulsive talking, especially compulsive talking about the person doing the talking, should be taken as a caution sign. A talking narcissist knows that he is the center of the attention, and that is why he is reluctant to stop.
2) Anger at contradiction. Narcissists do not like to be contradicted because contradiction threatens to undermine the false self in the eyes of those on whom the narcissist depends for narcissistic supply.
3) An attitude of exceptionalism. Narcissists believe themselves to be above the rules, regulations, customs, and traditional civilities that apply to ordinary people. "Ordinary people" means everyone in the world but the narcissist himself. Narcissists may make solemn commitments, but they do not feel bound by their commitments because, unlike ordinary people, they should be free of constraints.
4) Name changes. This seems to be more prevalent among women than men. For some narcissists, the false self eventually becomes too grandiose to be confined by an ordinary name like Susan Jones or Anna Stevens. Therefore, a new name is adopted, often something poetic having to do with love or flowers. If you discover that a woman has changed her name, don't jump to conclusions, but be on guard.
5) Spiritualism. While there are many honest (though deluded) spiritualists, an obsession with spiritualism may be a bad sign. It may indicate that the narcissist has converted even the spirit world into a source of narcissistic supply. Powerful spirits direct their attention toward the narcissist, follow the narcissist around, and communicate wondrous messages through what most people would call mere coincidences.
No doubt this list could be, perhaps should be, extended. Anyone having additional ideas is welcome to contact me.