Sometimes I Crawl

[Lauren Darges]

Sometimes I Crawl

I didn’t say it was easy….
this sitting…. again and again.
Back to the cushion,
even when I don’t feel like it.
Even when it feels useless, hopeless, not worth the effort.

Sometimes I crawl to the meditation cushion.
This is my secret.

It has served me well over the years.
Just sit.
Even if I don’t feel like it.

Afterall, what I am committed to?
Consciousness.

Facebook does not enlighten me.
No matter how much I click and like and post.
Even with the lure of something more.
Where is it…. Maybe here…. Click…

One hour passes.
Where has my consciousness been?
What am I cultivating?

I unplug the router.
Put my hands on my heart,
Take a deep breath,
Turn and crawl,
And sit.

Oh, now I remember,
Breath is my home.
I am here.

It is like turning the course of a great ship.
The ship of my consciousness,

The ship of maya – the illusion of life.
That which pulls me and promises happiness and fulfillment
Only to be capsized by the next storm
or thrown off course by undercurrents and the next wave.

Turing my consciousness
Again and again
Away from the fleeting glitz , the false ambition, the shallow desire.

The wheel of my ship is my intention.

This huge ship of conscious – subconscious - unconscious life stuff.
With a momentum of its own.

My intention focuses my attention.
In these moments
I cultivate my consciousness consciously.

Oh, right.
This breath.
This breath centering me
Cultivating a deeper neuro net.
Cultivating consciousness consciously.

Nourishing my nervous system.
Oh, another breath just breathed through me.
And another.
I rest in this.
Allowing.
And this breath.
Watching, noticing.

The ship is turned.
I surrender into the stillness.

Battle done.
Nothing to fight.
Just this letting go.
Again and again.
Just this surrender.

~ Lauren Darges, 3/7/16