Assumptions are the termites of relationships...ever been there?

[Building Compassion]

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"Assumptions are the termites
of relationships"
~Henry Winkler

Having coached couples in communication for over ten years, I’ve seen the drama that “termites" can cause!

I once had a couple come to the realization that they had bought a house— each of them thinking they were doing it to make the other one happy when neither of them, in all honesty, wanted to buy that particular house for their own liking or sensibility. What a costly assumption-Yikes!

Assumptions cost you time, money, energy and, most importantly, JOY. EASE- the opposite of drama- happens when we communicate our thoughts and needs openly and honestly without judgment. AND—because we can’t always control how others hear us, we need to be skillful in handling verbal curve balls or misunderstandings before they snowball into a termite infestation!

Avoid relationship drama! End Assumptions before they start with these key points in mind:
Practice identifying JUST THE FACTS in any situation-- and notice when you start adding your interpretation such as:

• The clerk scowled at me and made me feel stupid. Interpretation
  
• The clerk looked at me with a facial expression I wasn't sure how to interpret... facts.

Stay focused on just this moment-- vs. "generalizing, dramatizing and globalizing!"-

You never want to make love anymore! Aren't you attracted to me?!! Trouble!

When I hear you say you don't feel like making love right now, I feel sad and a little anxious. I'm missing our connection and would love to feel close to you. Neutral observation of this moment relating feelings and needs without projecting.

Confirm Message Sent is Message Received with connection requests.

Save yourself time and hassle by confirming that you and the other person have understood each other clearly. This is best done by using a connecting request such as:

• Could you tell me your understanding of what I just shared with you?
• I just want to make sure we're on the same page-- can you summarize what you heard?
• Can you reflect back what you just heard me say?
• Can I tell you what I heard and see if I'm getting you?

It's important that the listener understand that your request is not a test of their ability to physically hear you, but rather a desire to serve EASE, CLARITY, UNDERSTANDING and ultimately- CONNECTION AND JOY in the relationship by tracking with each other and confirming your understanding.

But what happens when someone doesn't reflect back the same understanding?

For example, Carol says to her husband: Honey, did you know we are late on the car payment? Bob- snaps back, “What do you think I am an idiot who doesn't know how to manage our money?!!? Yikes! Most of us would cringe like a deer in the headlights while the thought, "What the F-? I didn't say that!" screeches inside us!

If you've ever had one of those moments, they take practice and training to handle . None of us are born equipped for relationship curve balls-- like a martial artist, you train to become more agile and competent in how to handle those moments.

If you have a challenge you'd like to share, I'd love to hear about it- I'm collecting new material for future classes. Please call me!

Kristi Dee Doden
Relationship Communication Specialist
Certified TRE Facilitator and Massage Therapist
707-888-9578
[email protected]

Kristi Dee Doden has coached individuals, couples and groups in Compassionate Communication (aka NVC or Nonviolent Communication) for over 10 years. She combines NVC and TRE ( Trauma/Tension releasing exercise system) to bring more joy and ease to your relationship with yourself and others. Visit: www.youradiantbeing.com for more info on Kristi and the classes she offers.

Power of Empathy Circles: Create more Joy and Ease in Your Relationships with practical communication skills you can apply immediately. August 8th, 22nd 7:00-9:00pm

TRE classes-Tension/Trauma Release System: Release chronic stress & tension, old injuries & trauma, relationship patterns and more through this simple somatic based system.
August 2nd and 16th. 6:45pm-9:00pm ( 1st and 3rd Thursdays every month)