About 10 years ago, when the Major Leagues were in the throes of a strike, it was suggested that the teams hire replacement players.
Yeah, sure....

by Stephen D. Gross

MacPherson’s on First for the Red Sox
Used to plate watches with gold
Can’t touch his toes
got a neck like a hose
and he’s only 60 years old

Carlos Cruz buses tables at Denny’s
batted .242 for Duluth
back when Truman was Prez
but old Carlos says,
“what you’re payin’ don’t ‘spect no Babe Ruth”

Rudy Schwartz has a fastball that’s scary
the Yankees are really impressed
his optician says
once his cataract’s gone
he won’t need much help getting dressed

Dodger Blue looks just great on Tim Clancy
so what if he’s 400 pounds?
covers second and third
he’s no cow - he’s a herd
and he never gets up off the ground

The Big Leagues are hiring strikebreakers
they’re polluting the ballyards with finks
They might as well sign one-armed fakirs
this ain’t Denmark but something sure stinks

The Orioles have a left fielder
they pay him in birdfeed each week
He flies ‘round the bases
doesn’t tie his shoelaces
and he can catch flies with his beak

Doc Bernstein relieves for the Phillies
hasn’t pitched in too many moons
don’t cost much to hire
and he puts out the fire
with his Bromo and his box of ripe prunes

Candy Kane used to tease down on Broadway
now for Cleveland she plays second base
Got her uni in France
and with her new implants
she turns DPs with feminine grace

Kim Park just arrived from Korea
for the Astros he’ll play in their dome
If he finds that he’s spastic
on turf made of plastic
That’s alright - he’s got more Parks at home

The Majors are hiring Bush Leaguers
geriatrics and guys who drive cabs
there’s even some hooters
who’re totin’ six-shooters
They intend to pick off a few Scabs

The Cubbies just signed old Jack Quigley
they liked what they saw on TV
Willard Scott’s birthday prose
wipe the snot off his nose
He’s a young-looking hundred and three

Bill Nelson can chew up the outfield
he played for the St. Louis Browns
just examine his teeth
both above and beneath
and you’ll see he’s got three triple-crowns

There’s rhinestones where once stood bright diamonds
and fill-ins where Big Leaguers wheeled
for the American Pastime
this could be the last time
We’ll plant lilacs in deep centerfield