Ask Linda: Wanting to be a Friend-with-benefits

[Mrs. Wacco]

Dear Linda,
I totally agree with you regarding your thoughts about fantasies. If the fantasy is not acted upon, who cares? Mature men and women can enjoy their fantases, which may even promote a more positive outlook on life.

This brings me to a personal question for you. For 3+ years I have had a platonic relationship with a man 15 years my junior; we are in our 50's-60's. In fact, we have become good friends and have spoken of going into business with each other. The relatonship is unusual for me because the majority of my relationships with men I have befriended have had a sexual component. My friend and I have engaged in sexual banter, never directly spoken of our having sex.

I would like my relationship with him to escalate to the level of a sexual one. He is not gay and has indicated in many ways that he has a healthy interest in sex. My friends suggest that I should be content with this wonderful friendship as it is. I am truly happy that this man is my friend and reason tells me I should be content with the status quo (don't rock the boat, so to speak) and see where this goes. Should I just let nature take its course and enjoy this friendship, or would you suggest something I can say or do to let him know it's okay for him to act on sexual feelings for me if he has them?

Thanks for your time and thoughts.
Misty

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Misty - I'd let nature take its course, while being yourself. What I mean by that is if you're flirty, or engage in sexual banter, continue to be/do so. But I wouldn't do anything overt, considering his position. My sense is that he probably knows it's OK for him to act on any sexual feelings he may have if sex has already come up in some kind of conversation.

A question: Do you want a friends-with-benefits type relationship, where you're still friends that happen to have sex or do you want a romantic component? If it's the former, a lot of men can't believe that a woman can be friends and sexual without a romantic connection. They distrust it so won't go there. If you want the friendship to change, that's a totally
different story and that also should progress naturally too.

Hope that helps

Thanks for the words of support
Linda

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Dear Linda,

Thanks for the response to my question. I like your answer which gave me something to think about. By the way, I am a widow of 12 years and truly am not seeking marriage and... I have learned that I don't need to be "in love" to have good sex.

Yes, I agree that most intelligent men don't believe a woman can have a sexual relationship w/o romance. Case in point: A while back I invited a bachelor-contractor to dinner as a "thank you" for finishing my kitchen remodel in a timely manner. Recognizing my "counselor skills" he embarked on a discussion about what men/women really want. He taught me a thing or two - that is, he believes that no matter how sincere a woman is at the beginning of a relationship about NOT wanting a commitment, most women eventually want one. As clear as he is about wanting to be just friends and that he is not ready for a long-term commitment, women sooner or later begin to question his whereabouts and talk about "moving in," which is a turn-off and he runs.

Back to what your answer to me prompted: Because I was/am clear with myself about what I really want I know that I am capable of having a sexual relationship w/o romance. Not too long ago I had a sex-only and very satisfying relationship that lasted about a year. The affair ended with no hurt feelings only because I moved.

A "friends-with-benefits" relationship with my current friend sounds good to me. I know how difficult it will be to teach this gorgeous, intelligent man that I am an unusual woman who is capable of having sex w/o romance. I'm trying to think of ways I can let him know this w/o being too direct. I'm okay with not doing anything overt and acting only if I feel an advance from him. I value our friendship to the point that I don't want to jeopardize it. I think he's figured out that I'd love to have wild, passionate sex with him, so I'll just continue with the banter and see what comes up!

Thanks for your time. It's good to express this with an intelligent, objective woman.

I'll let you know what happens!
Misty

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Misty – If you haven’t let it be known in your banter with him that you have had the friends-with-benefit relationships and like them –totally about pleasure, everyone just enjoying each other, and totally uncomplicated. (or they should be. Otherwise why bother. And the sex has to be really good too. Again, why bother otherwise?), then by all means you should find a way to joke about it or just introduce into conversation. Ask him what he thinks about relationships such as this. There is also the possibility that he cannot do this type of relationship.

Does he know about the previous lover you mentioned? If not, as buddies I would think it’d be easy to tell him and talk about.

If after you throw this out into the mix, see what comes up.

Keep me posted……
Linda

[Barry]

Misty,

And after you've introduced your openess to the FwB form, you might want to consider a good ol' seduction!

You know the drill: Good dinner, candlelight, music, good wine and/or cocktails, warm room, back rubs...