Dear Renata,I have met a great guy and have just celebrated our 3 month anniversary yesterday, he has many health issues, and he has defied death in the past. Also many of his past relationships have not been shall we say respectful of/to him. When we first met, it was all laughter and sunshine for about 2-3 weeks.
My issue is this: he is very angry a lot. I mean he gets angry very easily. It seems I must not say or do anything cause he will take it wrong and get angry. He is not the violent type, so I am not afraid of him or anything. I have told him that I have a loving heart, I am not out to hurt him, belittle him, or anything else his past girlfriends have done to him. I just want to be with him…happily.
I have told him “If I don’t make you happy why do you want to be with me?” He has told me that he loves me and thinks I am wonderful. I love him too. Cause he is soooo sweet and loving and good to me when he is not in his “mood”.
I am usually on edge expecting the explosion to form and act. Never knowing when it will happen.
He is aware, and is trying to not be that way. I have questioned myself wondering why would I want to be with a person such as this when I have spent most of my life as a hermit to avoid “THEM”.
I think things would be great and fine, If the anger was not there.
Any advice?
Renata
But the anger is there. In a nut shell: do not choose to be in relationship with someone because you hope they MIGHT change. If he is embracing his own transformation via therapy, group work, whatever, then you might have a chance and might hang around for a period of time as change can take time or not – depends on how committed he is to his anger. (I highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum for creating transformation) But what you see is what you get. If you can accept him for whom he is, love him unconditionally, and learn to deal with his outbursts, (leave the room, refuse to respond, aikido moves, put yourself in time out from him) that’s a choice. I was married to an angry man and I ultimately couldn’t make that one. I tried, for years. I also tried via therapy to get him to change. Didn’t happen because you cannot change another person, unless they choose to change for themself. I HIGHLY recommend you read “Dance of Anger”. It is a dance and until one party chooses to dance differently, it continues. I chose to dance right out of the marriage because I could not accept who he was. And everyone does get to be who they are.
Like you, I have had to look and work on WHY I stayed in this type of relationship.You might explore this - do you accept anger because you grew up with it and it seems "normal"? or do you not think you deserve to be treated better? All worthy of consideration.
We are each responsible for our own happiness. You cannot make him happy. We do not have the power to change another. You can say something like: I really love you, want to be with you but I cannot accept your anger. So I choose to ____________. That will change the dance. Bottom line, if you want change, you have to change. Its also a good time to check in with yourself and try to know what you really want, what you really need in relationship. Does he give it? It’s only 3 months so you're not too invested. I'd tread carefully and be sure you are honoring yourself and not accepting anything less than you deserve!
Hope this helps
Linda