Morris gets a dog


Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly...

‘A SHOT OF WHISKEY’
In the old west a .45 cartridge for a six-gun cost 12 cents, so did a glass of whiskey. If a cowhand was low on cash he would often give the bartender a cartridge in exchange for...

"Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.
- Harry Neale, professional hockey coach

"Blind...

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<tt style="font-family: 'Courier New'; ">A little humor for T</tt><tt style="font-family: 'Courier New'; ">oday</tt><tt style="font-family: 'Courier New'; "> </tt><o:p></o:p></pre>...

i am thankful:



for the wife who says it's hot dogs tonight,

because she is home with me, and not out with someone else.

A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the

next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher...

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" gray cells active! (don’t cheat!)<o:p></o:p>
1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May....

Arriving In Heaven



All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records...

Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA)...

I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Got to be careful how we treat our wives.




The Fortune Teller
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you...

THE COURT CASE

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.....there were...

Subject: C O I N C I D E N C E

It's amazing what you can say...........without saying it!

Definition of the word "coincidence".

A chicken farmer went to the local bar ....He sat next to a...

Rodney Dangerfield's 22 Best One Liners...

1. I was so poor growing up. If I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, nobody's...

(Ain't stereotypes wonderful!)


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I...

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY

"THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS :

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local
convenience store does...

Some old, some new, all fun!

PUNOGRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED ZERO IN AN EXAM


But got a 100% for common sense & a sense of humor.




Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Senior's Exam - You only need 4 out of 10 correct answers to pass!



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

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Someone in the Postal Service needs to be rewarded

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A letter from the Post Office... this is absolutely the best!! We don't know who replied, but there is a beautiful...

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
Talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the
Contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was:

1. A...

oldie but goodie


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th...

This story is confirmed in Elmer Bendiner's book, The Fall of Fortresses
------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes it's not really just luck

Elmer Bendiner was a navigator...

AN APHORISM:
A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE, OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR AGENERAL TRUTH, LIKE THE EXAMPLES GIVEN BELOW

1. The nicest thing about the future is . . .
that it always...

To All My Liberal/Progressive Acquaintances:



Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress,...

A Farm Kid Joins the Marines

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up...

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without
the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors.
Understanding how...

An oldie but goodie!

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's...

MALE-FAIRY TALEOnce upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated skinny...

I just went thru this for the 100th time. "Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you
must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses
...

‘Jewish Sunbathing’

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally
deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man

her age, also in good shape, had...

When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
– Desmond...

An Oldie But Goodie!

A punter (gambler) was at the horse races playing the ponies and all
but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead
of one of...

Students in an advanced Biology class were
taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven
advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none
at all.

One...

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a...

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he sees things differently than most of us.

He once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact...

MT. VERNON, TEXAS … WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!


Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went...

Hi Barry,

I've received a flu shot every year for the last 20 years at least. No flu, no problems, no reactions. I'm 73.

W

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A young lady confidently walked around the room while leading and explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the...

A blonde walks into a bank in Sydney and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need...

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GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE

Good morning . . .. At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.
beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our...

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Some are puns and some are two thirds of a pun...


PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great...

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night

When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' they said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here,...

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> Price of gas in France
>
> A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.
>
> After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings,
> and made it...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean
cruise and proceeded to have the
time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no...

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood...

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Finished and Complete:



No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the two words.

CAUTION: Stereotyping Ahwead!





A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN

ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS