John Taylor takes his life

[Shepherd]

Dear Friends,

As some of you know, it has been confirmed by police that on Dec. 22 my long-time friend John Taylor took his life. It is something that he had been considering doing for many years. John had been in various forms of treatment over time. His sister committed suicide many decades ago. I will be helping his friends and neighbors from Fircrest mobile homes and elsewhere to put together a remembrance of him.

John is survived by his sweet dog Allie, whom my dog Winnie has played with regularly since John first adopted her. Allie is in the trusted hands of a friend at Fircrest. I knew John from before moving to Sebastopol 24 years ago. We met through men’s groups in Minneapolis, where he was from.

John was a skillful worker who helped me with landscaping on my farm for years, for which I deeply thank him. It is one of the many positive legacies that he has left. Two years ago John planted over 50 tomatoes plants at Kokopelli Farm; we gave the tomatoes away. Before taking his life, in his final weeks and even months, John passed on many of his accumulated things.

One of my many good memories of John is his helpful response when a bobcat started eating my chickens. John accepted the responsibility of the 50 chickens who used to live here and took them to Laguna Farm, where they continued to survive and provide eggs to we two-footers.

Please feel free to share this sad information with anyone whom you think may have known John.
May John RIP.

[Allorrah Be]

Shepherd, thank you for your kind words. I pray, with you, that his other friends and family can feel the peace we know is there, in our hearts ~ May we all BE Peace on the Planet, as a gift to All That Is.
Blessings,
Rev. BE

[wildinspired]

I didn't know John except that I saw him on the dance floor on Friday nights at Wischemann Hall. I'm sad to hear about this. May he RIP.

Dear Friends,

As some of you know, it has been confirmed by police that on Dec. 22 my long-time friend John Taylor took his life. It is something that he had been considering doing for many years. John had been in various forms of treatment over time. His sister committed suicide many decades ago. I will be helping his friends and neighbors from Fircrest mobile homes and elsewhere to put together a remembrance of him.

John is survived by his sweet dog Allie, whom my dog Winnie has played with regularly since John first adopted her. Allie is in the trusted hands of a friend at Fircrest. I knew John from before moving to Sebastopol 24 years ago. We met through men’s groups in Minneapolis, where he was from.

John was a skillful worker who helped me with landscaping on my farm for years, for which I deeply thank him. It is one of the many positive legacies that he has left. Two years ago John planted over 50 tomatoes plants at Kokopelli Farm; we gave the tomatoes away. Before taking his life, in his final weeks and even months, John passed on many of his accumulated things.

One of my many good memories of John is his helpful response when a bobcat started eating my chickens. John accepted the responsibility of the 50 chickens who used to live here and took them to Laguna Farm, where they continued to survive and provide eggs to we two-footers.

Please feel free to share this sad information with anyone whom you think may have known John.
May John RIP.

[Shepherd]

Following are some of the comments that John's friends have sent me. I have an unconfirmed report that a remembrance is being scheduled for John this Fri. at 2 p.m. in the Sebastopol Plaza. If someone could confirm that, please do.

Responses to the passing of John Taylor:

Expand

A decade ago or so, John made a video for me in my search for a home for a dog I had rescued. The video was a success and Cope went on to enjoy a long and good life. Ever afterwards John and I shared that friendship in which he befriended me and Cope so thoroughly and tenderly. There was, in retrospect, always a sadness in his eyes and I did not recognize it as that until I read your post, Shepherd.
Dian

It saddens me deeply to hear this news about John. He was a lovely, sensitive, funny man…who will be missed by many, I”m sure.
I will light a candle and say some prayers for this sweet man.
Bonney

…something like this always comes as a shock. May his soul find peace in the cycle of the earth.
Larry
For Guy Davenport
Within the circles of our lives
we dance the circles of the years,
we dance the circles of the seasons
within the circles of the years,
the cycles of the moon

within the circles of the seasons,
the circles of our reasons
within the cycles of the moon.

Again, again, we come and go,
changed, changing. Hands
join, unjoin in love and fear,
grief and joy. The circles turn,
each giving into each, into all.

Only music keeps us here,
each by all the others held.
In the hold of hands and eyes
we turn in pairs, that joining
joining each to all again.

And then we turn aside, alone
out of the sunlight gone

into the darker circles of return.
- Wendell Berry

Another poem from John O’Donohue:

FOR THE FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF A SUICIDE.
As you huddle around the torn silence, 
Each by this lonely deed exiled 
To a solitary confinement of soul,
 May some small glow from what has been lost
 Return like the kindness of candlelight.

As your eyes strain to sift
 This sudden wall of dark
 And no one can say why
In such a forsaken, secret way,
 This death was sent for …
May one of the lovely hours
Of memory return
Like a field of ease
Among these gravelled days.

May the Angel of Wisdom
 Enter this ruin of absence
 And guide your minds 
To receive this bitter chalice
 So that you do not damage yourselves 
By attending only at the hungry altar
Of regret and anger and guilt.
May you be given some inkling 
That there could be something else at work
And that what to you now seems 
Dark, destructive and forlorn, 
Might be a destiny that looks different
From inside the eternal script.

May vision be granted to you 
To see this with the eyes of providence. 
May your loss become a sanctuary
 Where new presence will dwell
 To refine and enrich
 The rest of your life 
With courage and compassion.
And may your lost loved one
Enter into the beauty of eternal tranquility,
 In that place where there is no more sorrow 
Or separation or mourning or tears.

From "To Bless The Space Between Us" (a.k.a. "Benedictus") by John O'Donohue (C) 2007

[Shepherd]

Expand

Susan Campbell gave me permission to forward the following email regarding John Taylor. I think that it puts John’s decision to take his own life, in the same way that that his sister did, in a larger context. John’s dog is in good hands with a friend who lives in Fircrest, whom I just spoke to. I will be visiting them later today.
Shepherd

One of my good memories of John was a conversation we had before one of the recent Friday night dances at Wischmann Hall. He was talking about fear and what he learned about fear from becoming a pilot. He said at first when he thought about going up in a plane under his own control, he was paralyzed by fear. But then, he said, after a while, the desire to master this skill and have this experience became so strong that it overcame his fear. I was very moved by his simple, clear way of expressing one of the keys to human motivation.

I always had very positive and nourishing interactions with John. He trusted me to understand his sometimes unusual thought process, and would often stop me on the street to share with me a spiritual or intellectual insight. And he would leave messages on my phone, saying something like, “you don’t have to call me back, but here’s a thought I just had that I wanted to share……” In recalling his insights, I think they reveal that he really wanted to make a contribution to human growth and development, to helping people accept and love one another. Among his many other talents, he was actually sort of an armchair philosopher.

I feel unfinished with John because, in one of my last conversations with him, at my home—after an Honesty Salon that he attended regularly—I was acknowledging one of his recent phone messages and saying, “let’s have a conversation soon to discuss how to do something with that idea you mentioned.” We never had that conversation.

I feel so sad that the pain to be alive apparently became stronger than the desire to live—perhaps his decision to end the pain can contribute in some way to my and our understanding of others. On the one hand, I respect his decision. But on the other hand, I know (from talking to people who tried to end their lives, but lived) that moods and motives can change, this too shall pass, and the past is not always a good predictor of the future.

And to John, I say: Bless your raw, deep heart, my friend. And may you rest in peace.

Susan Campbell

[synesthesia_amnesia]

Even though I didn't know John, I am sorry to hear about his passing. I know how hard this time must be for his family and loved ones.

[foxrosie]

I met John at the tail end of a HAI Workshop at Harbin in the Spring of 2005. He'd been living in Sebastopol by the laguna for about a year and had not met many people yet; i'd recently split up with my partner and didn't like going to events and gatherings alone. John and I became great mutual support buddies. He became my social "escort" and I introduced him to all my friends.

We shared an interest in "green enterprise" and started a company (something about use of bio-mass for fuel) and never got further than making ourselves beautiful business cards --- but we had a ball brainstorming and fantasizing.

John was such a sweetheart ... always so kind and thoughtful. Always wanting to find a way to contribute, to help out. Not just just wanting to help, but actually DOING so. He lent his support to countless projects and people. His generosity was truly amazing. I worried sometimes that he gave more than he got back -- but he never seemed to worry about that.

John flew a glider plane. Once we made a promotional video in support of my favorite local band at the time (the Trailer Park Rangers) and John flew his plane and landed in the middle of a barbecue (attended by the band members) as part of the video. Or maybe he just flew over it. Mostly I recall the many hours we spent getting him launched because the wind was not co-operating. It was one of many adventures that he and I shared in those days.

Time went on and John became more and more at the mercy of the mood swings that, apparently, were a family inheritance. I knew that he often experienced sadness or depression, but never realized to what extent. We kept in touch from time to time, and we'd always sit for a spell or a cup of tea when we ran into each other at the Farmers' Market (every once in a while getting re-connected thru some shared enthusiasm) ... but our connection grew thinner as his sadness grew deeper.

But, despite the sadness that seemed to settle into his eyes, he never lost that spirit of generosity and caring for others. He continued to embody a sweetness -- a soulful desire for connection and joy when he felt it. He never failed to touch my heart. I wish I'd been a stauncher support and better friend to him, but I don't think that would have eased his pain.

I pray that the choice he's made has set his soul free, that he's feeling the peace and ease that escaped him here -- especially in these last few years -- and that his beloved sister is greeting him beyond the veil at this very moment (along with Guilly, wagging her tail and covering him with kisses) as he makes the great transition. Dear John, you were such a good friend and such a loving soul. I will never forget the purity of your sweetness.

[tommy]

I knew John through the Warrior men's group we were in, then I got to know him personally through a mutual friend, who told me of his struggles, depression, and getting shock treatment at Marin General, a number of times.

John never talked about those things himself, I guess most all of us hide things, from almost everyone, sometimes even those we're closest to. In this "Big Me" culture, we always want to project our sunny happy on top of the world side, and hide our shadow, those unspoken and shame based parts.

I think John was from the Northeast, he had an uncommon air of royalty and stability, big hearted, an unrushed "don't sweat the details" kinda way about him, that was appealing, and belied the inner shadows that took him. I think it's vital to have a sense of purpose, something to do with our time and life ... even or more importantly as we gets older, and the glam and bright lights of opportunity and possibility begin to narrow... and it seems John didn't have this ... which can lead to a hole in your soul. This seems true, at least now while I'm writing this. RIP John Taylor. We love you Brother.

[santoshimatajaya]

John spoke openly with me about his inner pain and struggle with depression. We'd meet by chance in town, at the Market, at Ragle Park. He was always very touched by our exchanges as was i. i was impressed by his depth and responsiveness to my responses to him. And yet, there seemed to be a boundary, a fence he could not cross or follow through on when it came to go further, pursuing what was at the root of the cloud that was attached to him and he to it.

i offered my availability to him, to be supportive, to meet regularly for walks or to listen or be there when it hurt. i heard from him a couple of times, tho these did not lead to a solid connection. this gave me the feeling to not initiate, but to leave that up to him. the last time we spoke this summer, he was in pretty deep gear, convinced he would not be here much longer. this prompted me to suggest to him that he find support for this. the morning i crossed the street, stopped him, to tell him this, he was in another mode, not interested, perhaps felt invaded, not prepared or interested in this concern. he kind of brushed me off, with more immediate needs of meeting his friends for coffee and pastry, a sweet community of friends connection. so i left him at his table with his buddies and Allie. which was our last encounter.

i am still in some shock and awe and grief about his disappearance from his body and Earth. i'm talking with him, calling out, if that is possible to do~ it is a need of mine in this time of loss, for us. i'm pretty sure when the body dies, the loss is not for the departed, who needs a new body, the loss is for those left behind. in this case tho, yes, he needed relief, surely, of course. yet i question whether changing forms on another plane provides that relief. i don't know for sure, yet how can destruction of life form create an improvement? i do feel he is still reachable, subtlety. i am holding him in my Awareness, cause it's just happening that way. An expression of Love, must be. All those connected to John, his Heart, his Awareness, his beauty and gifts, are also flowing Love towards him at this time. Hopefully he is receiving these treasures, as Love Heals, no matter the form, no matter the Plane. You Are in our Hearts John, you created that, we created that together. you live on in us in this way

[mcriquet]

There is no memorial at the Sebastopol Plaza this Friday. MEMORIAL CANCELLED AT PLAZA. Stay tuned for new date.

[santoshimatajaya]

Can the Memorial for John pl be publicized ahead of time. i wouldn't want to miss it and heard, saw nothing about the one originally planned for today, apparently~ Much Appreciate

There is no memorial at the Sebastopol Plaza this Friday. MEMORIAL CANCELLED AT PLAZA. Stay tuned for new date.

[nicofrog]

I knew John ,I like him a lot he stood away from the "maddening crowd" seemed to do his own thing surprised to her this ,but then I've had times where I felt "hari Kari' would be best..
Glad someone is caring for his doggie...
I'll miss his smile when we crossed paths!!
Nico

[Shepherd]

For Those Who Have Died
Eleh Ezkerah (These We Remember)

Tis a fearful thing
To love
What death can touch.
To love, to hope, to dream,
And oh, to lose.
A thing for fools, this,
Love,
But a holy thing,
To love what death can touch.

For your life has lived in me;
You laugh once lifted me;
Your word was a gift to me.

To remember this brings painful joy.

Tis a human thing, love,
A holy thing,
To love
What death can touch.

- Chaim Stern

[Barry]

2 memorials have been scheduled for John Taylor:

- Saturday, January 6th at Mary J. Criquet (Cricket)'s home in Santa Rosa. More info here.

- Sunday, January 7th from 12-3pm at the Sebastopol Grange. More info here.

[Barry]

John Taylor final words (from a public post on FB):

---

Farewell

November 2017

Wow, what a journey I have traveled. I am 62 years 7 months.
I’m exhausted. Out of energy.
I need more than a rest.

I want to get off the train and off the train tracks.

I decided to leave my body, and am now without it.
My body as John Taylor has died, my life as John Taylor has ended, and my spirit continues on and it encompasses and contains all that I came to know and love as John Taylor.

The sound of your voice, singing, laughing, shouting, whispering, crying. Walking, eating, watching, wondering, smiling,

I remember you, I remember how I felt being with you
looking into your eyes, touching your hand, hearing you speak.
Thank you thank you for your connection, the open space to walk into.

Though exhausted, I was not desperate in the end. Just very very ready.

Having wrestled with depression since my early 20’s, I walked a very long journey
in search of healing or just improvement. I did pretty well and had some memorable times, experiences and relationships. I learned compassion. And to let that include myself.

I have learned that it is OK to die, and even for me to decide when I’m ready for that.
I have learned that it is good to exercise my letting go muscles, and give the hanging on ones time to rest.

Farewell

I’m sorry, Please Forgive Me, Thank you.

I Love you, John

Farewell and

PS: some of my favorite stuff of Life

singing frogs, crickets, night sky, dogs, Dogs, DOGS, all DOGS. Pet a dog (or kiss) and I will be there. Honesty Salon2

1 A creative studio operating at the intersection of critical thinking, storytelling and design.

2 A small gathering of humans for the purpose of become aware of automatic communication patterns.

*************

"Perhaps Love"

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm It exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm And in those times of trouble when you are most alone The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do The memory of love will see you through

Oh, love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel For some a way of living, for some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on and some say letting go And some say love is everything and some say they don't know Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain Like a fire when it's cold outside or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever and all my dreams come true,
My memories of love will be of you

Thanksgiving, 2017 Nov. 22

There is a pain—so utter

There is a pain—so utter—
It swallows substance up—
Then covers the Abyss with Trance— So Memory can step Around—across—upon it—
As one within a Swoon—
Goes safely—where an open eye— Would drop Him—Bone by Bone.

~Emily Dickenson

OPEN EYE

adapted from Emily Dickenson

I felt a pain - so overwhelming
That it is swallowing me up -
Then covered the Abyss with a hallowed out Trance Like an arctic lake frozen Solid -
all the way to the bottom, Insulating me
Allowing me an illusion of safety
So that in daily life I could step
Around - across - even upon it -
Whereas a fleeting glance
from An open eye
would have frozen me dead
Then dropped me - Bone by Bone

Decades later
The pain remains, well hidden now,
in social activities, busyness and quiet addictions Silently driven by the dread of failure,
or the collapse of my inner world project outer

The Ice Shelf shifts just now, a few chinks loosen, then the landslide begins,
The icy cold waters wait below

On the other side waits a contagion of fear

by John

[foxrosie]

If you plan to attend the public Memorial at the Grange (Sunday, Jan. 7th from 12-3pm)
please RSVP via the Memorial Website: https://foxrosie.wixsite.com/john-taylor.

THANK YOU!

[Shepherd]

I want to echo what Lani says below about sending an RSVP. There may be a large crowd, which would affect our planning and important details, such as parking. For those who cannot make it, KOWS will be recording it, not for live broadcasting, but to make it available in the archives.

[Shandi]

John Taylor final words (from a public post on FB):...

That he could and would, exist momentarily apart from his heart rending pain, to share his thoughts, feelings, and intentions with those he left behind, is beyond kindness. It is his ultimate expression of compassion.

I didn't know him, but his face is familiar, though I don't frequent places he may have been. He is a "familiar" to many, and he will be missed.

I've had several loved ones decide, as John did, to take the journey out of this reality, not to be seen here again.
It's always heartbreaking for us, the ones left behind with only memories, no longer able to touch or be touched by them, to hear the pain, to speak kind words of love we hold for them. To say one more time "I care".

[Yohan Morgan]

I saw John on last Friday

I saw him on last Friday. Trish told me it was his birthday--she learned from Facebook. I went to the square where he likes to drink coffee in the morning. He went there. I called and told him I heard from a little bird it was his birthday and wanted to honor him. He said he was heading to his coffee place. I said I was already there looking for him. He appeared 10 mins later. He walked unsteadily. I noticed and told him his barn door was open and we laughed about that old code term for the fly. He got her regular treat for his dear Ally-- a bagel and cream cheese which he shared with her.

He told me he had made his will and "straightened out his affairs" and was giving away his drums and rattles. I said, "Not because you are going to kill yourself-- because the world needs you and because I love you brother."

"No, I'm not” he said.

Soon thereafter a third
Man joined us at the table by the coffee
Joint at the Square joined us.
We made small talk for a while and then I said I had to go.
He decided to go too and I walked back with him to his car. He showed me there the two drums he was looking to gift.
I played both but the djembe I felt was too
Large for Trish's and my overcrowded Apartment
and the double sided one, though smaller,
did not speak to me. Oh blindness.

I Noticed that the door of his black Prius was all scratched up. And I realized
that was as far he had gotten on repainting it as he had said earlier.
We parted with a hug.

I am so glad I took up Trish's suggestion to reach out to him on his birthday.
And so glad that I think he knew that I loved him.

And so very sorry that I will never again see him in this life,
never again vision about the Village with him,
never again get one of his magic garbled
Text messages. Never
Again
Be
Able
To
Share with him in the safe truth container we had developed
about the sexual issues we shared.
And to never again witness his dear sweet love for his doggie, Allie.

Never
Get
To be
His squire and see him
Strap
On his back-pack airplane
Magic
Carpet and his angel
Wings and
See
Him
Lift into the sky.


And so sorry for the pain he carried--about his parents, about his brother, his sister, about his pessimism for civilization and our nation. And for his own sexuality issues. And the fractured love/friendship with a dear wounded woman.

But
Now I
Believe he has strapped
On his true wings. For beneath all the hurt,
All the pain,
All the despair was
A stunningly beautiful,
Gentle,
Playful
Knight of
Love whose spirit was always one drawn to fly
Take Off
And
Fly.

I feel so grateful
For
Fate to
Have allowed
Me
To call
John Taylor
My
Brother,
My Friend.

Yohan Morgan, (December 23 2017)

[Shepherd]

I also saw John Taylor, on New Year's Eve, when I was at a party. Another close friend of both of us said she saw him at Whole Foods. He has lost his body to wherever.

We have now had two wonderful memorials for him, one at his home, yesterday, and another today at the Sebastopol Grange, where he had been a member. I miss John.

I saw John on last Friday...

[Shepherd]

Both the 1/6 memorial for John Taylor, at his home at Fircrest, where his step-son from Illinois spoke, and the 1/7 one at the Sebastopol Grange were well attended and full of inspiring stories about John. The climax of the Grange memorial was the unexpected, intense play by four dogs at the closing circle. John's beloved dog Allie was present at both gatherings.