Understanding the Grinch

[AnnaLisaW]

I just found the perfect holiday t-shirt for myself. Inside a sparkling green wreath is the scrunched up face of the Grinch. I can really identify with this guy. The holiday I look forward to is January 2^nd when the craziness is over and I can breathe again. While I usually keep my dread of the holiday season to myself, some thoughts occurred to me this year that I would like to share.

I have read that 1 in 4 families in this country are dysfunctional. Holidays in a dysfunctional home are particularly stressful. While many of us still manage to enjoy ourselves, there are a lot of forced smiles and everyone is on edge. Whether it is alcohol, drugs or abuse, at least 25% of us have a large crop of unpleasant memories associated with the holidays. Even if things go well, we still breathe a sigh of relief when everyone goes home and our lives get back to “normal.”

Holidays are unavoidable. Whether we choose to celebrate them or not, cultural expectations thrust them upon us and we are forced to make the best of them. For dysfunctional families, an upcoming holiday is a time for praying fervently that this year will be different. As the time gets closer, the tension mounts and depression often sets in. Mental health centers are swamped this time of year and the suicide rate climbs dramatically. Alcohol and drugs flow in greater quantities than at any other time of the year. People with a history of substance abuse are especially at risk. So are their families.

Children whose parents have substance abuse or anger management issues often enjoy holiday mornings like any other child. However, they think it is normal to be especially tense. On Christmas day, playing with our new toys, we kept a careful eye on our parents. I noted every time my step-father poured another drink and listened carefully to my mother’s tone of voice. As the oldest, it was my responsibility to prevent them from arguing so we could all enjoy the day. They were pretty good about it. A gentle reminder that it was a special day was sufficient if I intervened quickly enough. Charlie was a functional alcoholic and held a full time job. Mom adored her children and she never took more pills than the doctor recommended. Our parents were generous and affectionate. We were never physically harmed; we had nice clothes and plenty to eat. We knew we were fortunate. We believed we were normal.

“Normies” sometimes think of dysfunctional families as fairly obvious with neglected children and sunken-eyed adults. Many believe that once the substance abuse is removed, the family heals and everything is fine. This is rarely the case. The scars remain and usually the behaviors do as well. Most of us carry these behaviors into adulthood either by becoming like our parents or through our relationships. We think the problem is our family or our environment. We have a hard time understanding that we cannot change the ones we love. We can only change ourselves. Unless we make serious changes in our own behavior, the dysfunction spreads with each generation.

Despite the problems, there is a great deal of love in my family and we are on our best behavior for the holidays. Unlike previous years, I will not focus on the behavior of others. I cannot make someone something they choose not to be. Some family members will arrive stoned. I will love them as they are. In my family, alcohol is as much a part of the holidays as candy canes and pumpkin pie. My loved ones have learned not to encourage me to drink too much. There is really no reason for my anxiety but it still climbs up my back and sits on my shoulder like an organ grinder’s monkey. Maybe this year I will just relax and enjoy the music wearing my Grinch shirt.

I have shared this with you so if you say “Happy Holidays” to a friend or co-worker and they grimace you may remember my story. If someone acts like a Grinch, it is not that the heart is too small; it is that it needs a safe place to grow. May we all have hearts filled with love and compassion this holiday season.

Happy Holidays to All,
AnnaLisa

[decterlove]

Amen to that, AnnaLisaW....I usually have to brace myself emotonally, start taking some St Johnswort, then I often manage to just edge thru Christmas only to crash bad in the following week. There is just great healing in be able to admit that the holidays really suck for a lot of people. God bless the ones that manage to enjoy them cause I hardly ever do.

[Dark Shadows]

Hear, hear! Let's all have a big pagan party with the family we choose, our friends!

I just found the perfect holiday t-shirt for myself. Inside a sparkling green wreath is the scrunched up face of the Grinch. I can really identify with this guy. The holiday I look forward to is January 2^nd when the craziness is over and I can breathe again. While I usually keep my dread of the holiday season to myself, some thoughts occurred to me this year that I would like to share...

[Sara S]

Good observations, AnnaLisa, and I'm glad you said all this. And that you see the causes and solutions for what can be painful for us during the holidays.

My situation certainly isn't for everyone, but I do avoid the craziness, probably because: I don't have a TV. I never go near a mall, except if I need to go to the Apple store (maybe once every couple of years). I make jams and chutneys during the year, and those are my Christmas gifts to people. My family is (sadly) pretty much gone, and the friends with whom I celebrate holidays don't get drunk or stoned.

Love, and peace, to everyone!

Sara S.