Lack of compassion in Sebastopol? I guess it is everywhere.

[Larissad]

Something happened to me yesterday in downtown Sebastopol that made me very sad.
I was having a rough day to begin with. I've recently returned home (to California) after visiting my family out east and was feeling pretty home-sick as I don't get to see my family very often. On top of that, it was our wedding anniversary and my hubby forgot. (He later remembered and rectified things, but, well...) So, I was feeling pretty low and decided to walk around the Sebastopol Farmers Market and the cute downtown shops to try to lift my spirits. As I was walking down the main street my cell phone rang and it was my mother (back east). I sat down on a public bench and took the call. My mother could tell I was upset and so I poured my heart out to her. Perhaps I was feeling a bit victimized, but I think under the circumstances that was just natural and talking to my mother was helping me feel better anyway. Now for the thing that made me really sad...
As I was sitting on this public bench having this conversation the woman behind the counter of the store closest to the bench came out and closed her door while spitting the words "Whine, whine, whine, victim, victim, victim, martyr, martyr, martyr!" at me.
What struck me most was not her words but how angry this woman looked at me. I realize that in order for her to be so ugly to me she must have been feeling pretty ugly on the inside too. I don't know her and she doesn't know me. It took a lot of nerve for her to make such an awful judgment of me without knowing ANYTHING about me. Not to mention the fact that her first reaction to a person in very obvious emotional distress was to chastise and mock that person. Talk about a kick when you're down!
I'm not going to mention the name of the store as that would be continuing the petty circle. However I think it is a perfect time to point out that opportunities for being compassionate towards our fellow humans are presented to us all the time and that even the way we speak to strangers has a long reach.
The store this woman works in/owns was a store that I used to always be sure to take visiting family and friends to, to buy reminders of their California adventures. Both my Mother and Mother-in-law have purchased items in the past at this store. I will never go back to this store now and will certainly not bring family or friends there either.
I hope this woman reads this and considers her actions more carefully in the future. I also hope that she is feeling better. I know I am.
Namaste.
-Larissa

[ThePhiant]

how come you didn't go in the store and show your compassion to this woman who was obviously in distress?
by you punishing her financially, you perpetuating the cycle of non-compassion .
just go back and give her a hug and tell her how much you love her store!
now that would teach her a lesson!!!

[mykil]

Hey, you are only responsible for your own emotions, if you take on her emotions than you are taking on her pain. This is what happened and it made you feel worst. If you are only responsible for your own emotions than others can’t hurt you. Step beside yourself and feel your pain first, than see her pain and let it go! Thus moving forward and being done with the cosmic alliance of the whole! Then laugh!!! LOL!!!

[AnnaLisaW]

...What struck me most was not her words but how angry this woman looked at me. I realize that in order for her to be so ugly to me she must have been feeling pretty ugly on the inside too. ...-Larissa

I was touched by your sad story and want to commend you for your insight and compassion. Indeed, anyone who would come unglued to that extent must be in a horrible state of mind to begin with. Behavior like that has nothing to do with person it is directed at and everything to do with who it is coming from.
Bless you, AnnaLisa

[Lynn B]

Good for you Larissa - It's great to hear stories like yours where you were down but didn't judge this women for treating you as she did. She could benefit from the book, "The four Agreements". Be impeccable with your word, Don't take things personal, Never make judgements and Always do your best. Although as long as we are always doing our best - and oh yes how it changes from minute to minute, day to day, all the rest will fall into place.

Take care - Lynn :>)

[nurturetruth]

Larissa -

I too am moved to acknowledge your ability to tap into a vibration of empathy towards those who exhibit forms of unhappiness.

It sounds as if at the same time, you were receiving empathy from your mother as you shared your wounds of the day. As if your inner self was needing to release some pain and process it. I am sooo glad your mother was there for you. and you did receive some support .

And at the same time..I flash on the concept of "mirrors" and "reflections". . . .
And the truth that we are all connected and the concept "that we are here to awaken from the illusion of our separateness."

Thank you for realizing that her unhappiness was HERs (even if she was a mirror of pain at the time)

Thank you for ...understanding that indeed..YOU are not responsible or the cause for other peoples emotions/reactions.

Thank you for realizing that all beings do indeed experience unhappiness or pain during moments of time...and for working on having compassion towards this store owner.

I understand your feelings regarding not wishing to go back to the store or visit again, yet holding a place of compassion and non judgement only enhances the process of LOVE...

so i wish you the best on your journey of LOVE !

[ThePhiant]

Thank you for loving another being enough to realize that her unhappiness was HERs (even if she was a mirror of pain at the time) and not wanting to change "where she is at regarding her journey of love & happiness"

.

let us not be too judgmental NT, for we don't know what really happened.
after all we have only heard one side of the story.
if Larissa had been in a different emotional state of mind, do you think it possible she would have seen or heard something different?

[glenclem]

I have too many times been subjected to peoples private lives in public by having to listen to half of their cell phone conversations. I have been forced to move to other isles in stores, move from park benches and pass or slow down while walking behind a user. Cell phone users need to practice better manners, both when and where they use the device and who else their actions affect. Maybe we should install empty phone booths so users can duck in and not inflict their annoying behavior on others.
celless in Sebastopol

Something happened to me yesterday in downtown Sebastopol that made me very sad.
I was having a rough day to begin with. I've recently returned home (to California) after visiting my family out east and was feeling pretty home-sick as I don't get to see my family very often. On top of that, it was our wedding anniversary and my hubby forgot. (He later remembered and rectified things, but, well...) So, I was feeling pretty low and decided to walk around the Sebastopol Farmers Market and the cute downtown shops to try to lift my spirits. As I was walking down the main street my cell phone rang and it was my mother (back east). I sat down on a public bench and took the call. My mother could tell I was upset and so I poured my heart out to her. Perhaps I was feeling a bit victimized, but I think under the circumstances that was just natural and talking to my mother was helping me feel better anyway. Now for the thing that made me really sad...
As I was sitting on this public bench having this conversation the woman behind the counter of the store closest to the bench came out and closed her door while spitting the words "Whine, whine, whine, victim, victim, victim, martyr, martyr, martyr!" at me.
What struck me most was not her words but how angry this woman looked at me. I realize that in order for her to be so ugly to me she must have been feeling pretty ugly on the inside too. I don't know her and she doesn't know me. It took a lot of nerve for her to make such an awful judgment of me without knowing ANYTHING about me. Not to mention the fact that her first reaction to a person in very obvious emotional distress was to chastise and mock that person. Talk about a kick when you're down!
I'm not going to mention the name of the store as that would be continuing the petty circle. However I think it is a perfect time to point out that opportunities for being compassionate towards our fellow humans are presented to us all the time and that even the way we speak to strangers has a long reach.
The store this woman works in/owns was a store that I used to always be sure to take visiting family and friends to, to buy reminders of their California adventures. Both my Mother and Mother-in-law have purchased items in the past at this store. I will never go back to this store now and will certainly not bring family or friends there either.
I hope this woman reads this and considers her actions more carefully in the future. I also hope that she is feeling better. I know I am.
Namaste.
-Larissa

[gypsey]

When I read Larissa's post and the reply, my reaction was that there is definintely NOT a lack of compassion in Sebastopol. Larissa, in my opinion you made a mistake. The emotion of the moment made you forget basic good manners and consideration for others. Then, that person attacked you in a cruel and callous way (the whine whine speech.) It is understandable that you were shocked and humiliated. But this is not about who is wrong or who is right; nobody is.
The store owner or whatever she was lacked basic manners, but you did too, Larissa. Both of you could have behaved in a more considerate way. That's the opportunity that learning from our mistakes, provides us.
When these situations happen, I ask myself what I did well, what I could do better, and what I might have done differently. I invite you Larissa to shift your focus from the person who berated you, to yourself. What did you do well in this situation? What could you have done better? What could you have done differently? The answers are within yourself. Blessings and good luck, Gypsey.

I have too many times been subjected to peoples private lives in public by having to listen to half of their cell phone conversations. I have been forced to move to other isles in stores, move from park benches and pass or slow down while walking behind a user. Cell phone users need to practice better manners, both when and where they use the device and who else their actions affect. Maybe we should install empty phone booths so users can duck in and not inflict their annoying behavior on others.
celless in Sebastopol

[Barry]

I don't see any problem with people being on the phone on a park bench. They could just as well be having an emotional conversation with another person who was actually there. Sure, you might not want to sit next to them (or maybe you would!) but again the same goes for if it were a conversation between 2 people who were present. As long as the person in not speaking extra loudly and doesn't expect privacy why should it be treated any differently?

And in this case, it seems that the content of the conversation was the issue (which is not for them to judge), rather than the mere act of being on the phone in public.

[ThePhiant]

Gee Barry, do you think she was talking in a normal voice if somebody INSIDE the store, was able to hear what L was saying even though main street is a busy street?

I don't see any problem with people being on the phone on a park bench. They could just as well be having an emotional conversation with another person who was actually there. Sure, you might not want to sit next to them (or maybe you would!) but again the same goes for if it were a conversation between 2 people who were present. As long as the person in not speaking extra loudly and don't expect privacy why should it be treated any differently?

And in this case, it seems that the content of the conversation was the issue (which is not for them to judge), rather than the mere act of being on the phone in public.

[decterlove]

That's the pits but I guess you certainly have the choice to view it from the perspective of being grateful your mind is not so locked up that you can't even recognize real suffering when you are confronted with it in this world.

I noticed a long time ago that when my spirits were sagging the most, I would run into the greatest indiffence from other people and just learned to recognized that unpleasant reality and accept it.

We must have unseen Angels coaching us thru this wasteland just to be able to even contemplate surviving all the crap on this lovely planet.

[davidohm]

COMPASSION STARTS WITHIN
My thanks to you Larissa for what you wrote. I can feel your sadness. I certainly would feel sad if I was the one talking on the cel, instead of you, and the woman in the store treated me that way.

FEELINGS ARE FEELINGS CHANGE I often think of clouds of feelings pouring through me, we and us.

I like the fact that you did not name the store and WHY you did not do so.
I also like very much how you ended your remarks.

As to whether, you TOO were being rude, only you can really judge. Were you speaking in a normal voice?? The noise on Main Street would certainly mask your conversation, regardless of your volume level. I am not asking you for answers. Merely suggesting that if you reflect on that moment, you can decide about the manners aspect.

I grew up hating myself, profoundly. Slowly, slowly, slowly I managed to heal all or most of that self hatred. With the healing, came creeping along, a little shred of compassion for David. The shreds have increased. These days when I f..k up, I get over it pretty quickly.

I appreciate compassion within and when I see it in The Other. I see it in what you wrote and especially at the end of your comments.

blessings

OMMIE

[mykil]

I have completely mixed emotions regarding cell phone use in public places. On one hand, when I see someone talking out on the street walking, or sitting on a bench, or even in restaurant it really turns me off, and I alwayz wonder what is so important that they have to do that in a public place. I myself excuse myself and use it in the restroom or out of ear shy of everyone else around. I even get a little embarrassed when someone comes looking for me to see what I am up to. On the other hand there really should be no reason that it turns me, or anyone else off, someone is just having a conversation for god sakes, this is not a big deal. The thought of someone talking to someone that really isn’t there should not be such a big deal. I thing this is more of a psychological boundary issue than anything else. And you all know how I feel about boundaries!

WE are out in the real world, out from our cozy little shelter, and everything should be about us. Not the person that is on the other end of the phone in the safety of there own safe natural environment. If they want to have a conversation in public they should be here in public like the rest of us and not on the other end of the phone! I know allot of people don’t even partake in the use of cell phones for some reason or another. My stepfather refuses to have one on the grounds that they eat your brain and desegregate you brain waves, not to mention the memory loss that they cause. I use to think it was the most obnocous thing invented, now the evolutionary situation has taken over my soul once again, and I really don’t think I could live without one. If I forget my cell at home and am a few miles from my dwelling, I will turn around. If my battery runs dry, I will find a way to get a little juice. If I drop it in the tub I will have a new one by the end of the day! If I am out of cell range I will move myself, and my vehicle to a new location just to say I love you to an old friend, or be able to stay in touch with my kids! Strange but true how we evolve. Now computers are a brand new addiction I myself could never live without all together! Another evolutionary tool that has taken over my life, and to think twenty years ago I was laughing at all who even considered pre gui interface systems, I laughed when I brother told me this was going to be the wave of the future! I took one look at his screen and walked away for ten years till the little bug got a hold of me and has not let go!

Now the newest tool available is the Iphone, do I get one or wait? I saw one of these the other day and was amazed, I will wait till they come out with an 80 gig though, my Ipod is an 80 gig and the Iphone is only up to 8 gigs. Not even enough to hold my tunes, I have about fifteen thus far and another 10 just in pics. IF you haven’t seen the demonstration video you should go to ipod.com and take the ten minutes tutorial on you will be amazed at what it really does do, having the internet right in the palm of your hand and it even picks up wireless routers form coffee shops or whomever left theirs open. Also twice the speed of dialup just out and about where ever you get cell phone reception.

I don't see any problem with people being on the phone on a park bench. They could just as well be having an emotional conversation with another person who was actually there. Sure, you might not want to sit next to them (or maybe you would!) but again the same goes for if it were a conversation between 2 people who were present. As long as the person in not speaking extra loudly and doesn't expect privacy why should it be treated any differently?

And in this case, it seems that the content of the conversation was the issue (which is not for them to judge), rather than the mere act of being on the phone in public.

[babaruss]

From my odd little perspective, compassion seems to a gift given from one to others, and not something to be demanded..let alone expected. When it comes my way I am way pleased.
Having said that I can only quote a few sources which keep me in check emotionally when something happens (which could set me off on an emotional bender).

That much misunderstood itinerant carpenter cum preacher Yeshu Ben Yusef
(aka Jesus the Christ) said "there are but two commandments, Love God, and love your neighbor as your self."
Catchy business there 'cause what happens if you neither accept the existence of God, nor have much in the way of self love...still it is a useful concept, at least as far as my life goes.

Shakespere said "tis neither good nor bad... thinking doth make it so".
I am wounded if I say I am. The person who 'wounded' me is an unsensitive bitch only if I think she is.
All manner of thought and response options are available to me besides those which cause me, or others pain.

Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran said; "I learned love from the unloving, and kindness form the unkind, and I am not ungrateful to my teachers".

Babaruss

[bird]

As a person who has never owned a cell phone I'd like to say that I think the world was a better place before them. Folks are now too wrapped up in their own stuff to notice the world and what's going on around them. I've observed that this can make folks more rude and unconscious than they might be otherwise.
And personally, when I'm in a store and someone is talking on their phone (it's almost always too loud), I can get irritated. And don't get me started on phone use in vehicles.....don't think it's a good idea at all.
I'm sorry that folks seem to have gotten so callous.
Peace - lili

[Braggi]

Lebanese poet Kahlil Gibran said; "I learned love from the unloving, and kindness form the unkind, and I am not ungrateful to my teachers".

Babaruss

The Gibran quote goes: "I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers."

I would also be ungrateful to the lady in the store who lacked compassion and, perhaps, thought she was teaching a valuable lesson. Strange that she felt the need to attack someone who was in such obvious distress.

I dislike hearing business calls going on when I'm in a grocery store, most especially when the caller is supposed to be doing business with a checker, however, sitting on a public bench is quite another matter. Perhaps the person in the store could have just waited a moment for the call to end, or closed her door without comment if the call was disturbing her customers. I imagine she felt bad after her unwarranted attack. It's a shame to spread bad feelings around. I feel ashamed when I do it.

I like the old saying: If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.

-Jeff

[theparentpack]

Wow I am shocked at some of your responses.

I have spent a great deal of time on my cell phone this month. Most of my calls this month have been family members notifying me that my Step brother passed away, my Cousin passed away, my Step Dad passed away, my Aunt passed away, and two more of my Cousins were diagnosed with terminal cancer. It has been a long hard month, and I cannot imagine if I had been on that bench receiving bad news, crying it out and comforting my loved ones and some insensitive shop owner/worker responding so harshly.

I am, however, a firm believer that there is no need for revenge, or hard feelings as I have found it to be true that what goes around comes around. Good for you being the better person, and having a deeper understanding of the emotions of those around you. I also understand why you would not want to continue to support this person's shop. I certainly would not feel comfortable shopping at a store where they have no compassion. If the owner does not want to hear people in front of her store perhaps she should try to have the bench removed.

I also don't think it is rude to sit on an outdoor park bench and chat.

It is true however, that we are only hearing one side of the story. Had you ever thought that this person was complaining about someone else? Either way as a business owner myself I would not behave that way in public, as it would be a bad representation of my business and me!

[glenclem]

One other party in this discussion that has not been mentioned is the person making the call. If I need to reach someone and am not aware of where they are, work, driving or park bench, I do not call their cell phone. I use their land line and leave a message on their machine, although some people have gone to just cell phones. When I do call a cell number the first thing I say is "Is this a convenient time?" if they are driving I just hang up.
Has anyone checked Emily Post's Post? Maybe we should write Ms. Landers about this.

[AllEars]

Cell phones, land lines, and sometimes intolerant minds...what is one to do?
Park benches, shops, thruway traffic...lady on a cell phone. It is acceptable to most people these days. There are situations that demand people shut off their cell phone or find an appropriate place where they cannot disturb a class, a performance, or any place a cell phone would clearly disrupt the
important focus of the gathering.

Compassionate minds...open hearts...powerful voices! Yea, compassion is
very much alive in Sebastopol! I have enjoyed taking the time...which is
difficult for me to do...to read these varied and interesting responses.
Again, hip, hip, hurray for this vital community of evolved, compassionate
souls!