Seeing The Individual

[fluteman]

Warm greetings to everyone here. I haven't logged onto Wacco in nearly half a year, and it is wonderful and exciting to see so many changes and new discussions. My initial reaction to a thread on relationships would be to run in the other direction or tread very lightly, but after reading a few posts I thought I'd share some of my own thoughts on romance and love.

My first and best reply to any types of "what do women/men want" types of questions would probably a bit different than what most of my friends might say. And this would be that we have to put aside our expectations, our "why do men/women always do...etc" rants and see people as unique and interesting individuals. Despite the fact that I know that there have been scientific studies about body chemistry and the differences between men and women, I still feel wholeheartedly that the two sexes are much more alike than different. I may fail at some of my words here, but I feel that sharing an enlightening personal experience is the best way to illustrate where I'm coming from.

I'm only in my early 30's, but ten years ago as a very late bloomer to the dating field, I was continually baffled at my lack of success at finding Ms. Right. But looking back a decade a later, I know full well why I never found that perfect partner, and that's because I was had blinds on and couldn't really see the women I was courting (or attempting to court!). I had a very long list of expectations and "requirements" for even wanting to ask out and date a woman, and most of these commandments if you will were quite ridiculous at best. My main problem was that I was seeking a facade, an image of perfection that I had created in a fantasy within my own mind that caused me to project these strange desires upon any woman I met in person. And the results? I never saw the true person before me, never saw the uniqueness, the quirks and all that makes each and everyone of us who we are. I allowed my heart to be broken many, many times, and on some deep subconscious level I knew that the women I was pursuing (those few who didn't run!) were not right for me. Basically said, I'd be attracted to a woman, develop strong feelings and then express myself to her, only to find that she was not this fantasy woman that I had created in my mind.

And then I'd be stuck in that loop again, of being attracted to someone, yet utterly confused because I would then get to know them and find that they scored very low on my list of "absolute requirements" for love. Part of me was just attracted to them for who these women were (my heart), but my the other part of couldn't stop projecting my ridiculous expectations upon them (my head). But looking back now, I can't fault myself, because that's where I was in my personal development, and I had to learn my lessons the hard way.

It was about a year ago that I had a conversation with a wonderful female friend about love and relationships, since she was one of the few that I had confided in during my ups and downs in the dating field. She is a delightful and wonderful person that had finally found that right person after many years of wrongs ones, and she gave (and gives) me so much hope that it is indeed possible to meet that special someone. In any event, we were talking about a writing project I completed that had its beginnings due to an inner analysis of my list of romantic expectations from my earlier youth. I shared with my friend how much I learned about myself, and she then asked me what was now on this sundry list of requirements for that "perfect partner"?

I smiled warmly, and told her that it was now a blank page. And she immediately knew and understood where I was coming from, because I shared that I had finally realized that those requirements were a barrier I had created due to a very deep inner fear of intimacy. I explained further that any person with a good head on their shoulders would and should want the same in a lover...this simply goes without saying. But I felt that too many people (and my former self) focus on this WAY too much, and it can completely blind us to the people we encounter. Said another way, I doubt that too many people find that perfect job and financial success and then say "ok, now I want to fall in love with an abusive, lying and stealing drug addict!". I had learned through many tough lessons that we have to put aside our inner critics and really allow ourselves to get to know others as unique individuals, which sounds easy but can be quite difficult.

In the midst of this conversation I shared with my friend how many times in recent years I had found myself admiring and developing feelings for women that I wouldn't have given a second glance to when I was younger. Tall, short, thin, overweight, younger or older didn't matter anymore...for when my inner critics stepped aside and I was finally seeing others with both eyes open, I found that beautiful and interesting women were all around me. It was a wonderful epiphany and a great place to be, and does it make life any easier? In some ways yes, in others no, because change is the one constant in our universe and it's not always easy to embrace.

To sum things up, I'm still single and haven't been actively looking for love or dating, since life's many demands are top priority right now. But I have this wonderful inner sense of peace and tranquility...and I never know what person I will meet today or tomorrow, what beauty I may behold that inspires me...because I've availed myself to the uncertainty and unpredictability of life...and have found that not knowing who you may fall in love with can be the greatest blessings we can allow ourselves to experience.

Peaceful Wishes and Holiday Cheers to All. :)

-Erick

[Spirit Splasher]

BRAVO!!! And well put, Erick!

Thank you for such a lovely and open post. I have pondered over a post in response to the many relationship threads I've read as well. However, I found myself sitting and typing for hours and delving deeper and deeper into my past relationships and expectations I've held in them. It looked more like a book than a post, so I just took it as a bit of therapy and clarity for my habits.

In realizing that holding an expectation leads mostly to dissappointment (basically due to what you've already mentioned... which is that we usually have such high expectations of others and their roles in "making us happy" in our lives), I've been focusing on changing that habit into a new one of living in the moment without expectation of who/when/why/how/what is around the next corner. It is an amazing journey when you don't focus on what coulda'/woulda'/shoulda' or if/maybe/might be... and only on what IS.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful energy!

Blessings on your journey,
Jeanne

[TayanaGirl37]

Expressed by a yogi, I heard it this way, and it's stuck with me, and served well:

"Any time you have a concept, you have a conflict."

Sat Nam,
Heidi

[@zanadu]

Thanx for sharing that. I'm just seeing these realities.