Ask Linda: Love and Longing for Another

[Mrs. Wacco]

Hi Waccovians. What follows is a dialog I had with a woman regarding love and longing for another. She subsequently asks the question: Do men always fantasize about other women, even if they are married? I'll address that question in another thread.

Linda

Hi Linda:

I have a question for you. If you got into a marriage based on wrong reasons, not love but out fear based, could love occur even if there was no in love period??? I question can one love without ever felt being in love stage? Would the person who didn't feel the in love stage, have a longing to fill that with someone else??

Thank you

Conscious Person

Conscious Person: If I understand you correctly, it sounds like you married someone whom you were not "in love" with; that you married out of fear (of what? Being alone?) and not for love. And you are wondering if love can occur (in that relationship? Another relationship?) without the "in love" phase.(Yes)

Additionally, you want to know if you married someone whom you didn't love, is it possible to have a longing to be "in love" with someone else? (Yes)

Is that about right? And if so, what are you really asking of me.

Thanks

Linda

HI Linda:

Thanks for your response. My husband married me out of fear. He told me after being married for 15 years that he didn't love me and that he wanted to be with someone else that he had met at a music camp. We have had a very challenging marriage and three years ago I realized that I was being co-dependent, helping him grow up and I started resenting this pattern of mine so I woke up, and started looking within. Meanwhile he wasn't happy with us either so he found someone, he was in the in love phase. He carried on with this fantasy for almost two years. He doesn't see her and told her a year ago he would stay in the marriage.

He told me he married me for security reasons, and he never felt that in love feeling. When I look back at our relationship, I thought he did, I would of not married someone that I didn't feel love from. This is my confusion. He says he loves me, he's not in love with me. I understand the not being in love part, well i think i do. However, i believe that you can still get passion and have that in love feeling, but you both have to work at it.

My question is since I am not totally clear, can he really love me if he never felt in love with me.

I hope this helps with clarification. I just question this because he is working on himself, I don't believe he is totally out of his fear, and still stays in the marriage because he doesn't want to be alone, doesn't want to loose his comfort. We recommitted after almost three years of working through all of the challenges we had to face. But I still wonder if he did this for the right reasons, I don't trust him 100% and know this happens with time.

Thank you for your consciousness on this.

Sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you.

I believe someone can certainly learn to love someone if they didn’t have the "in love" phase. Friends become lovers, people who have fallen out of love rekindle, etc, etc. And I know people can change if they want to. The in love phase really isn’t all that important and sometimes actually clouds what’s real in a relationship. Don’t let the fact that he didn’t feel "in love" with you cloud your experience of him. Do you feel loved now? After 3 years of recommitment, does the relationship feel different? This is your answer. If you don’t trust him, my sense is things do not seem different to you. Be careful that you don’t have a picture in your head of how it’s "supposed" to be but are you letting yourself experience him clearly.

However, another question is what is your truth? Do you love him and does he give you what you need and want? Are you still committed to the marriage for the right reasons or are you in it out of fear or insecurity too? You speak about him but what about you?

May I post our dialog publicly? I of course would not use your name.

Linda

Hi Linda:

Thank you for your thoughts. my husband and I have had many deep conversations since this and he is learning to love, to accept love. He said even though he may wonder mentally, wanting more, he always comes back to me and how he loves what we have and loves me. For the first time since three years ago, I really believed and felt this was heart felt. So we just continue to heal and I need to trust. Yes I love him very much. I went through all the challenges that I had to because when I asked myself, why am I still with him, love was the answer. No I am not with him out of fear, loneliness, I am with him because he is my best friend, lover, husband and soul mate. I felt this from the beginning.

He does give me what I need most of the time. Does anyone give you what you need all of the time???

He said that men always fantasize about other women, as long as they don't act on it, it's okay. I don't know if this is true? I have never asked men this question. So my question to men is, is this true, even if you are married?

He knows that he crossed the line three years ago. Although never had sex, they talked to each other, met a couple of times and emailed. He has not had contact with her since last Oct.

So, I believe in my heart we both want to be with each other for the right reasons, love, companionship, lessons, fun. We do have fun together when we are in harmony. WE talk more now then ever. This is a good thing. As he becomes more aligned with the universe and his true self, he is able to love.

Thanks again. Yes you can post this, however please do not use my name.

Blessings, Happy Thanksgiving

I am happy to hear that your relationship is going well. Dialog is THE most important thing, at a totally honest level, with yourself and each other.

I will absolutely not use your name and I’d like to post the entire dialog.

In the post, I will also address your question regarding men and other women, as well as hopefully hearing from other Wacco’s on the matter. This, as you know, is a very big issue in relationships.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! We all have much to be grateful for!

Linda

Thank you for your support. I would love to hear what others say. Happy Thanksgiving to you. Yes we have lots to be thankful for.