THE COSBY THING…and then some
By Marcia Singer
Sexual predation is generally held as an unforgivable act. The child molester, preying clergyman, subway flasher, date rapist or trafficker are wholly reprehensible to the American psyche. There’s little thought to decrying the acts, but not vilifying and condemning the actors…When we lose possibility for forgiveness, for understanding, we compound injury, losing chances for restitution, healing. I’m not naďve about how sexual predation can stain the hearts of those preyed upon for a lifetime. –And, I know that perpetrators are also marred by these acts. Not just by the wholesale shunning by society seeking revenge, retribution, segregation from the sinners, tracking sinners’ movements like animals wherever they go. We seem still to not know –or care –that most people who engage in despicable acts also suffer inside, are also victims of their own history or genes, which includes repressive or ignorant familial and cultural ‘norms.’ We forget to ask deeply, “What really is behind his or her misdeeds?” “What possible hidden service could those predatory acts be serving?” And, “Could there be more humane and effective responses all around?” What could we then learn.
Hypnosis therapy revealed that at the age of two, I was touched in my crib in highly inappropriate ways. A faceless man prompted by unnamed, unmet needs, indulged in guilty experimentation at my expense, infecting me with sinister shame about “down there.” While it was originally his embarrassing, guilty secret, it became mine, too. Was I myself a dirty secret? I wrestled with that early ‘gift’ of his for much of my life. As a young night club singer, I attracted other sexually wounded men as lovers or rescuers --until being nearly raped and strangled in the Hong Kong Hyatt’s presidential suite by a devious, desperate man. Subsequent introspection and therapy led me to develop compassion around sexual misdeeds, and to see and own my invisible part in hellish alliances. I discovered the ‘energetic matches’ that bring so-called victims and victimizers together. –Karmic matches? There is always a match. But you won’t find it if you don’t seek it.
Fortunately, I’ve come to realize that all relationships made in hell potentially invite heaven to enter in –with willingness to forgive, and be response-able. As a clinical social work master’s candidate (MSW) at U.C. Berkeley in the 70s, I was placed at Vacaville prison as a student therapist. Male homosexuals and child molesters were housed there. I was assigned both, as well as a “polymorphous perverse” case –the label repugnant to me even at age 21 as a dehumanizing way to throw away a human being. Another eye-opener was the murderous hatred other inmates had for my pederast patient --a poor, retarded Latino man, with little education or moral capability. My official job was to help these prisoners ‘go straight.’ Mostly, I just listened with fascinated and horrified ears. And there wasn’t a single man I listened to that I didn’t come to care about. And that caring helped imprisoned patients respect themselves, and find compassion for others.
While living in L.A., I had a private healing and counseling practice. I ‘attracted’ clients who were traumatized by childhood sensual and sexual abuse --men and women who’d been raped, beaten or incested. Some had never experienced safe, loving touch. There were also a couple of serial flashers, a CEO addicted to bondage, and a clergyman obsessing online with little boys. Each one was hurting. Each had bottled up rage which was scary for me at first. It was a steep learning curve to sidestep knee-jerk judgments about these deeply troubled, mortified, scared human beings --who often felt helpless about their own drives and choices. But each time therapeutic interventions succeeded, they revealed unconscious attempts to meet basic needs, e.g. for love and intimate connection, childhood redemption, empowerment, healthy sexual prowess. Each “aha” opened us to discover direct, healthier ways to actually meet their all-too-human human needs –ways less harmful to all concerned. .
So, in the wake of the Bill Cosby Thing raising its ugly head once again, might I ask if we could put aside our blaming judgments of the man, open our hearts, and wonder what unmet needs might have driven his behavior? Needs for sexual expression his purient public image and fame may’ve made inadmissible? To rescue prowess, manhood –were there embarrassed aging fears? And may I ask an equally outrageous and necessary question for healing: what might his ‘victims’ have been seeking that made them an ‘energetic match’ with Cosby, at his worst….? Acceptance or favor? Power? Rescue? Inquiry requires a paradigm shift away from blame, away from what seems ‘obvious,’ – to what’s there, if we take full responsibility.
Marcia Singer, Love Arts Foundation, Santa Rosa CA