Damned Fool on National Defense

[theindependenteye]

My friend Joe is no fool. He wants that to be clear. ‘You’re a fool,’ he yells at me. I agree.But what happened was this.

He used to read all the news and watch the news on TV and dream about the news which was worse than the chainsaws they do in the movies. But he wasn’t scared. “I’m not scared,” he yelled.

In the news were the terrorists and robbers and yoga and even worse, so he got a dog. A big ugly Doberman with fangs and a crew cut. He made a sign that said HUGE FUCKIN DOG. “Do they read English?” I asked.
That stumped him. He worried that they wouldn’t read it and then charge in and suicide-bomb the dog and he’d be defenseless. So he bought a gun.

But then he heard that the Feds were going to take away all the guns. So he booby-trapped his toilet. An intruder might have to use the toilet, so he put a burglar alarm on it. He had to pee out the window. “I’m not scared,” he yelled.

Joe didn’t look very happy. He just watched TV news and fed the dog and peed out the window. I don’t know if he moved any of his bowels. You don’t ask friends unless they bring it up first. I guess the dog took care of the household crapping.

He was really mad at the terrorists for not speaking English so he could put up his sign.

But one day on the news it was so awful that he couldn’t contain himself so he ran for the toilet and sat down yelling “I’m not scared” and the toilet went off with a screaming siren that freaked the dog who charged him with all its fangs and he shot the dog eleven times then fell off the toilet and broke his hip.

Next time, he says, he’ll do it bigger and better.

--Damned Fool (channeled by Bishop & Fuller, www.damnedfool.com)