Need advice and a cabin tent

[Ray Tuley]

Greetings conscience community. I know that I am reaching on this one, but here goes. As any of you who are regular visitors to the bulletin board know, I am homeless and living in a tent that was generously provided by a compassionate reader. I am pretty much ok with it, but since I started this lifestyle, an ex of mine has returned, and is staying with me. She too, was forced into homelessness due to financial concerns, and so we share our limited resources: I do most of the physical chores, and she has transportation. Also, this provides the perfect opportunity for me to make an amends to her for some stupid things I did to her some years back. My dilemma is this: every morning I wake to the sounds of her crying. Now, I understand that living in a tent is something that a 60-ish year old lady might not choose as her ideal lifestyle, as it is certainly not mine, nor most other folks I know. (There are of course, a few exceptions.) Also, my friend has recently been mauled by a large pit bull mix dog, and the emotional scars have yet to begin – she is still suffering traumatic episodes due to this event. Just the sight of a pit bull has her in tears and running. ( As best as she can.) I know that all these things combine to make life tough for even the hardiest of souls. I love my friend very much, but there are no words I can find to let her see that life is beautiful, sometimes even at it's worst. I try to console her and she tells me that her tears are tears of anger at being in this position at her stage in life. I understand her anger, her pain, her frustration, as I, too, share these same emotions, though not to the seeming degree she does. Or perhaps I choose to view life as many fleeting moments, all joined together, both good and bad, and let it pass as it will. I'd like to think I am that centered, but who knows? My point in this post is this: How can I accept the inevitable feeling of sadness and loss that accompanies every defeat at any attempt to convince her that life is not to be feared? Because whenever I try to console her, it seems as if she doesn't wish it, as if she enjoys her misery. I try to point out her blessings, that she has a roof over her head, even if it is a tent, and that she if fairly mobile, she has her freedom, a vehicle, and other untold blessings. But no matter what, she always, without fail, chooses to view things as negative. I tell her that the only thing we can change in our lives is our degree and/or level of perception, and that remark generally gets me a “f@#$ off”. I am at my wit's end. I want only the best for my friend and I realize that taking care of her to the best of my ability is keeping my mind focused on positive things. But there are days when I've tried so hard to lighten her life up and failed so miserably that I am wore out. It's then that I begin to feel depressed, and sad and a lot of the time when this happens, I just crawl back into bed and waste the day sleeping. I've suggested counseling, and different types of therapy, all to no avail. I want to say too, that a lot of her health problems have to do with her legs. I've posted before asking for a cabin tent, because she has to crawl in and out of my small tent and as a result, a lot of sleep is lost when she has to get up in the middle of the night to relieve herself. It is a major ordeal for both of us, and I was thinking that a cabin tent would solve a lot of problems since it would be large enough to stand up in. So far I've had no luck getting one, but I retain faith that some kind generous soul, will see this or my other ad concerning a cabin tent, and come through for us. Anyway, I would welcome any suggestions from any of you on how to deal with the emotional distress that I'm trying to accept and/or overcome. And of course, if anyone has a large, roomy cabin tent that they would be willing to part with, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank all of you for your interest. Blessings

[Dixon]

Hi. Ray--
FWIW: It seems this woman has repeatedly given you a clear message that she doesn't want your advice, so why keep beating your head against that wall? It sounds like she has some depression and PTSD stuff going on. Let her cry, and try to become comfortable with that. (You may need to do some crying yourself). Supportive listening can help, if you can resist the temptation to "fix" everything with unwanted advice. For depression, a combination of good nutrition, good sleep, physical activity, and a social life is likely to be somewhat helpful--but I'd guess she already knows that. Let the crying do its job.

[Barry]

...Supportive listening can help, if you can resist the temptation to "fix" everything with unwanted advice.

Here's a good example of that.

[meherc]

I am a crier myself. That's how I process and let things go. Other people prefer to clam up or overwork. They usually think their way is the way one should be. Crying doesn't mean her pain is any worse than yours or anyone else's. I don't want advice when I am crying. I am not a dummy and have thought of most of those things already and they don't work for me. When I cry, I just feel bad, I am not expecting anyone to fix me, which men often assume is what they are supposed to do. I just want to process my feelings through talking, crying. I personally never have a hard time when people cry. I hold them and tell them I love them and often rock them and say you are safe right this very minute and things will change. I know crying makes many people uncomfortable but I tell them it's not about them, it's an inside job and I will get through it without a savior. It's my stuff, not theirs. They don't know how I am feeling or what is in my heart. And I don't expect them too. I just need someone to be with me and not feel abandonedl

... My dilemma is this: every morning I wake to the sounds of her crying. Now, I understand that living in a tent is something that a 60-ish year old lady might not choose as her ideal lifestyle, as it is certainly not mine, nor most other folks I know. ...

[Dixon]

Here's a good example of that.

[CSummer]

meherc wrote: " . . .often rock them and say you are safe right this very minute"

If someone's been traumatized, it seems quite likely they would need support in restoring a sense of safety. I'd be inclined to ask: Is there anything I can do that might help you feel safe - that you are okay? My experience is that it doesn't help much for someone to tell me "you're safe" if my mind is stuck in the belief that there is no safe place.

Here's a video on "Emotional First Aid" that I thought made some good points.

A book that comes to mind is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I haven't read it, but I gather it's her story about being stuck in victim-thinking and blaming others, then one day having a spiritual awakening. Reflecting on the title, it seems that to love what is is to love myself; to recognize that I'm creating this experience I'm having (it's my very own experience!) and to love what is means to have love and compassion for myself. This makes it more likely I can re-own my power and change what I'm creating.

Sometimes I think the best thing I can do for someone is to simply support them - with my presence or absence -in being where they are, as they are, until they become really Done with being there. Most emotions, I think, are optional responses to an event or situation, and it's helpful to remember that there are other options - like being at peace or even happy! (Why cry when you could laugh? Well - maybe eventually!)

CSummer

I am a crier myself. That's how I process and let things go. ...

[Shandi]

There's a used cabin tent offered on EBay, with 1 day 6 hours left. The bidding is at $1.06 at the moment. There are other used/new cabin tents, but most have many bidders.

Ray, have you posted under the Wanted section of Craig's List?

I posted a reference to your Wacco post on my FB page.

Ray, you have a choice, as your friend does, to accept what is. Realize that your role isn't to convince her of anything, or to point out her meager blessings of shelter, freedom, a vehicle, etc. Her focus is on her pain, anger, frustration, and trauma. Counseling could help, but no one can force this on her.

You have some shared experiences, but hers are different than yours. She was injured physically, mentally, and emotionally. She may not be able to overcome these things, without professional help.

I understand how easy it is to let oneself fall into despair and depression while living with someone who is only able to see themselves as a victim, and unable to feel gratitude for anything.

I think it's important to know where you end, and she begins. Even though you're sharing this time, you each have your own journey. I know that you want to provide support, and you are, by sharing the little you have. You might let her know that you care and want to support her, but really don't know how. See what her response is.

It's easy to slip into depression in this situation. Your kindness and caring has you in "over your head". Remember, you must take care of yourself; or you'll both go under....

Greetings conscience community....

[meherc]

I agree to a point. I think everyone has their own way of dealing with things, no one way is right or wrong. I , for example, always felt not so scared when my husband would remind me that I was safe this very minute. I had food, a roof over my head and friends. So don't worry about the future or dwell on the past. I don't think that I have a choice to "lighten up" , or just smile. I feel like smacking people who say that to me because they are not living my life. Good days, bad days, just the human condition. I rarely feel safe so it helps me just to be with people. I don't think you always create your own experience or have that much power to change it. If someone asks me what they can do to help you feel safe, I'm afraid I tell them a long list of what would really make me feel safe - which makes them feel unsafe. And of course, they are incapable of doing any of those things. Ah, well, breathe in, breathe out - a connection with all of mankind.

meherc wrote: " . . .often rock them and say you are safe right this very minute"

If someone's been traumatized, it seems quite likely they would need support in restoring a sense of safety. I'd be inclined to ask: Is there anything I can do that might help you feel safe - that you are okay? My experience is that it doesn't help much for someone to tell me "you're safe" if my mind is stuck in the belief that there is no safe place.

Here's a video on "Emotional First Aid" that I thought made some good points.

A book that comes to mind is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. I haven't read it, but I gather it's her story about being stuck in victim-thinking and blaming others, then one day having a spiritual awakening. Reflecting on the title, it seems that to love what is is to love myself; to recognize that I'm creating this experience I'm having (it's my very own experience!) and to love what is means to have love and compassion for myself. This makes it more likely I can re-own my power and change what I'm creating.

Sometimes I think the best thing I can do for someone is to simply support them - with my presence or absence -in being where they are, as they are, until they become really Done with being there. Most emotions, I think, are optional responses to an event or situation, and it's helpful to remember that there are other options - like being at peace or even happy! (Why cry when you could laugh? Well - maybe eventually!)

CSummer

[arthunter]

Ray,

I am happy that you are no longer alone, as you wrote to me about your desire for companionship and now you have that...

Your lady friend will need time to process her grief ... even though it's difficult to be around her sorrow, your gift to her is to facilitate this processing ... unfortunately, you can not talk her out of emotions as her emotions are necessary right now as she mourns her losses ... this is normal ... we all mourn our losses ... there are no short cuts, .... but a steady, caring friend like you will definitely help ...

Just be there ... be patient ... be kind ... don't make demands ... let her talk and let her cry until she's done with it ... this is all that any of us can do for one other ... emotions can be healing, don't be afraid of them ....

Keep yourself occupied with positive actions like looking for that cabin tent, preparing the earth for the winter rains, addressing your coming needs of heating and waterproofing, etc.... if she can help you with some of these tasks then it will distract her from her grief, but don't force it ....

Focus on good nutrition for both of you ... sugar, white flour, lots of starch and alcohol will increase her depression and the possibility of illness ... you want protein ( even cheap protein like eggs ) and vegetables now ... if you can afford a multi vitamin that will help to rejuvenate both of you ... B vitamins will be very good for her ... also, get her to the sliding scale clinic in Guerneville to have her thyroid checked, as this can cause depression .... and both of you will need periodic lyme tests if you're going to live in the great outdoors ... the clinics are good and I believe that you will not be charged if you can't afford to pay, though I might be wrong about this ...

Use the internet to research any and all organizations that can help ... food banks, etc. ... and maybe the community can help with this research ... any movement forward will help her psychologically ...

( Oh, and I still have those boots if you need them ... I also have miscellaneous camping gear ... let me know )

[CSummer]

It is true that I can only be as or where I am right now. Recently, though, I got a message from my unconscious that indicated to me only a small change of direction can take me to a very different place. So if I don't like where I am, and it's a place I seem to find myself often, maybe I'm going in circles! (And you can strike the 'maybe;' I've definitely gone in circles a lot!) If I want to end up in a new place or state of mind, it would probably help for me to have a clear sense or vision of what that is and how I want to feel when I'm there.

I'm very familiar with feeling unsafe; a very young part of me feels that way a lot. I think my mind is rather attached to that feeling, as it reinforces the belief or story that there is no safe place in the world - so I should feel anxious and afraid! I may very well need help in the form of the caring presence of others for that part of me to experience a sense of safety. But I also have to ask how attached I am to the belief that there is no safety. Do I cling to that old story with an addict's tenacity even though it brings me no peace or comfort? If I do, will I be willing or able to accept the help of others?

I prefer not to think of myself as a victim. If I believe that my peace or happiness is dependent on people or circumstances outside of me or over which I have no control, that seems like a perfect setup for inner turmoil or discontent. Of course, I forget this a lot - especially when I'm driving. But sometimes I remember that all responses are optional and that I have a choice. I also like to remember a line from a radio ad for some cruise line: "Half the fun is getting there." If I believe that there's a place I'll eventually get to where I can be at peace or happy, so I'll just hang in there in my present misery until I arrive, I may be in for a very long and disappointing journey. So if I don't like where I'm at (or where I've been), now's the time to change course and begin moving toward what I really want.

Most all of us have heard the story of hell being a place where everyone has spoons with handles too long for eating with. Those who try to feed themselves starve (or have a very frustrating time), but those who learn to feed each other do well. I think life is a lot like that, and we will do much better when we learn how to be with and support each other with presence that offers real acceptance, permission, caring and compassion.

I also see life as a journey of belief-fulfillment in which I have experiences that seem to support my beliefs (and my mind tends to discount those that refute them). On a few rare occasions of being deeply present with myself with the support of others, I've been able to discover some previously unconscious beliefs under which I'd been operating. And I've found that the presence (quality attention) of others - when I'm able to accept it - can almost miraculously enable me to experience a depth of presence with myself that I can rarely - if ever - have when I'm alone. This is what I see as the power of a community or circle of people who are committed to mutual support for healing. If we can offer it to others, we can have if for ourselves.

CSummer

I agree to a point. I think everyone has their own way of dealing with things, no one way is right or wrong. I , for example, always felt not so scared when my husband would remind me that I was safe this very minute. I had food, a roof over my head and friends. So don't worry about the future or dwell on the past. I don't think that I have a choice to "lighten up" , or just smile. I feel like smacking people who say that to me because they are not living my life. Good days, bad days, just the human condition. I rarely feel safe so it helps me just to be with people. I don't think you always create your own experience or have that much power to change it. If someone asks me what they can do to help you feel safe, I'm afraid I tell them a long list of what would really make me feel safe - which makes them feel unsafe. And of course, they are incapable of doing any of those things. Ah, well, breathe in, breathe out - a connection with all of mankind.

[Keith of all trades]

Are you hoping for the modern camping style tent like this:


Or the old fashioned MASH style tent like this:


The modern one is much cheaper but may not be as weather tight, the older style has no floor.

Do you have a big enough flat spot to put a large tent? When it rains, you'll not want tot be sleeping on the ground so your sleeping gear stays dry.

Keith