50 year old seeking advice and wisdom regarding aging

[MmeDeuxChevaux]

Hello,

I'm hoping to glean wisdom from women who are losing or have lost their beauty. i want to know how to cope, how to be okay with being invisible, how to access the richness of deep connection with other women. even though i eat well and exercise, i look dreadful for my age. i want to accept that i look dreadful, but still shine from within. it's easy to say this or think it on an intellectual basis, but i want to feel it. i know about the cycle of life, etc., but i still can't find inner peace. so, i'm reaching out.

thank you to anyone who responds.

[Shandi]

I can appreciate what you're saying about becoming invisible when the physical beauty starts to change. We are all attracted to the beauty of youth, the vibrant aliveness of a baby or a child, a teen or young adult, even a flower in bud is as beautiful to me, as it is in full bloom. As a photographer, I'm sometimes drawn to the dried, dying blossoms; they have a beauty of their own that I really appreciate.

We are more than the flesh that carries our souls. We need to connect with the richness that we are, on a deeper level than the physical. We must not become invisible to ourselves. There are many women in their 70's, 80's, and 90's who are finally living life on their terms, and have no concern about how others may or may not see them. They may be wrinkled, but there's still a vibrancy that anyone can see and feel. They will die.....living.

I'm sorry to hear that you see yourself as "dreadful". It's a term I've never heard used by anyone referring to how she looked, but more about how she "felt". As I go through my life, I see many women that I know could look better than they do, but they either don't care, or don't know how to. Sometimes I wonder what they see in the mirror when they get dressed.

Up until I was 50, I never wore make up. I really preferred the natural look, and since my mother left me at such an early age, I had no female role models for anything. My friends tried to persuade me to wear make up. I gave in, and let my friend put make up on me. My kids said "Mom, you look like a clown!" That's all I needed to give that idea up.

Living in Hawaii for many years during my 40's was another reason to go natural. The humidity wasn't kind to make up. Women that did wear it were those who worked in air conditioned places.

When I was 50, I met a man at a party. I had no desire or inclination for a relationship, and was quite happy being single and independent. He pursued me, and I couldn't figure it out. I knew that I was basically attractive enough, as I'd had evidence in the past with men who were attracted to me, but this guy was very good looking, had a nice body, and a nice quiet energy, with very little ego showing. We began to see each other every weekend, and we were invited to a very fancy formal event aboard a ship in SF bay, and I decided that I would take a make up class.

I got a simple long black, floor length, clingy dress at a thrift store (I've been fortunate to have a good figure), and modified it with a black fake fur edging all around the hem. I had my long hair styled in an "updo" with rhinestone flowers, and I was amazed at the difference make up made. As we entered the hallway that led to the party, the person who had invited me was walking toward us, and she didn't recognize me until she was only a few feet away, and then she said "Sandy! I didn't recognize you. What a beautiful dress!" This woman spent thousands of dollars on designer clothes and shoes. It was a moment I'll always treasure; the acknowledgement that I could be beautiful with intention and effort, at least for awhile longer.....

Knowing that aging is a natural process which brings us closer to the end of life as we know it, can be an intellectual knowing, but if we have inner resistance, it will show up on our face, in our eyes. If we lack self love, that shows up too. Even though we're still alive and breathing, our aliveness and vitality can slip away before we realize that we have done it to ourselves.

I experienced a very healthy life, up until I got painful arthritis in my foot and hip, and was unable to work. I was incapacitated with the pain, and the medication stole my ability to think. I lived in a painful fog for a couple of years, and became very seriously depressed and suicidal. I was not the self I had always known and loved. Things were better after a hip replacement, but I refused to have foot surgery, so I used ice packs 4 times a day to keep the swelling and pain under control. I believed that this was how my life would be. My few friends stopped coming by to see me because they felt sad and helpless to see me like that, and I understood. I withdrew into my painful isolation.

Looking good wasn't even on my mind. Life has a way of helping us establish our priorities. Slowly I began to read about people who had survived horrible physical tragedies, which helped me to put things in a different perspective.

I could still see, hear, speak, smell, and touch, although walking was painfully slow. I had to give up my beloved photography because I couldn't stand very long. I also couldn't sit very long, so I wasn't able to be on the computer. It was a period of "no comment" from me on Wacco.

I passed my days in a recliner, watching TV sitcoms, and sometimes I was able to laugh out loud, which I knew was a healing thing Sometimes I was aware that I was looking at the TV, but I was somewhere else in my mind.

My doctor suggested counseling, and although I was resistant, I did it. I had a wonderful resonance with the counselor at Kaiser, and although I only went for 6 weeks, she helped me to see that I needed to try some new things, within my limitations. I followed her guidance, and although it didn't seem to make a difference, I think the fact that I was "willing" was the real key.

It's been 2 years since then, and it's only been in the last year that I've felt myself returning.....to my mind, my heart, and my soul. In the last year, a miracle of sorts has also occurred, and one that's still a mystery. My foot doesn't hurt so much anymore. I haven't done anything different, no special herbs, treatments or better healthier foods. I had decided to volunteer as a cat cuddler 2 hours a week at the local shelter to get me out of the house. Basically, I came to an acceptance of my condition, and I felt less stress. Knowing that I was making a difference for those homeless kittys stuck in cages all day, helped me to feel better about myself. I also volunteered with the Council on Aging's Peer Support program, and went through a training to be able to counsel depressed seniors. At first I doubted if I could do it, since I was still on anti-depressants myself. But I did, and surprised myself.

The biggest surprise that came from my volunteering was that I met other women in my age group who were reaching out to help others, in an effort to lift themselves from whatever their situation was. In some cases, it was loss of a spouse, or a child, or separation from family or friends, a physical impairment which created loss of function, and the list goes on. As we age, we lose many things. It's the cycle of life as you mentioned. But we don't have to give up because of these things that we have no control over.

We do have control over our decisions. There are many decisions up for you. No one can give you inner peace or self love; it's an inside job, but guidance can help. I would be willing to meet with you if and when you decide that you might want to do that. You've taken the first step, by reaching out.

I wish you the blessing of self love and inner peace,
Sandy

Hello,

I'm hoping to glean wisdom from women who are losing or have lost their beauty. i want to know how to cope, how to be okay with being invisible, how to access the richness of deep connection with other women. even though i eat well and exercise, i look dreadful for my age. i want to accept that i look dreadful, but still shine from within. it's easy to say this or think it on an intellectual basis, but i want to feel it. i know about the cycle of life, etc., but i still can't find inner peace. so, i'm reaching out.

thank you to anyone who responds.