Bovines - Boring Or Bedazzling? Stay Tuned!

[sd gross]

BOVINES - BEDAZZLING OR BORING?
Are They Here To Stay?

Q: What goes oo ooo oooo?
A: A cow with no lips.

By now you've all heard about the Herd takeover. Four stomachs, Blue Meanie-sized hooves, grunting and farting out a sea of methane big enough to fog Jupiter. festooning the boulevards of Occidental with Kows patties which, had they remained random shapes, would have been tolerable. Butt - not to happen!
Wanda and Georgette, the "Stewards" who monitor what happens aboard the Mystery Train (Mondays, 2 to 5 p.m.) are very curious, and understandably so, about our food preparation. One afternoon they were watching a DJ putting together cookies for a KOWS fundraiser (I'll admit it - it was me!), and instead of using cookie cutters, I used a pastry dough squeezer with cute little shapes (stars, crescents, seashells) you could attach to the end, which yielded whimsically shaped cookies.
Well if you have an imagination, it's not a huge leap from cookies to patties and before long, the "invaders" had contrived a method, by using a cookie cutter with elastic bands attached snugly to their hips, to leave cute little cookie cutter cow patties in different shapes all around the Occidental-Freestone area. And it wasn't long before cows in other parts of the county got caught up in the craze, too.
At first it was a novelty - outrageous, right? Cows turning their excrement into little shapes, sort of like Bovine Grafitti? We tolerated it - art really is in the mind of the beholder, and sometimes, in the rumen of the evacuator. But then one Highlands bull decided he was going to customize his own "seal", he called it. Angus was his name, Angus Fitzgerald, and he designed a little personalized extruder incorporating the A and the FG, effectively leaving his signature wherever it gave him pleasure. No one paid attention at first but then imitators conjured up their own personalized monograms and things began to change.
Angus, it seems, was on his way to do some grazing with a few Ayrshire buddies who lived up Morelli Lane, and along the way, espied a cute little Charolais whose throaty Italian-accented lowing darn near drove him nuts. She was from the southern part of Switzerland, not far from Lago Maggiore across the Italian border and what happened wasn't his fault.
He approached her demurely enough, but upon drawing close he fell under the spell of her smell and did something which was to change things among all over the West County. He performed this awkward little dance around the Charolais, belching and evacuating as he went, and completely encircled her with "AFG"s, effectively marking this stranger as his personal property. A few Brown Swiss and a half-dozen Limousin grazing nearby watched this brash display and soon ambled over to a surly knot of Belgian Blues and described what they had seen.
I don't have to tell you what happened next. The Blues and a nearby cordon of Lourdais surrounded Angus, harrying and badgering him mercilessly, until the Charolais, no longer able to bear his pitiful lowing, mo-o-ed for mercy on Angus' behalf.
Of course the Bullies took a cue from the Vanquished and designed Pastry Dough Squeezer Monogram Caps of their own. A small pod of Zebu/Taurine hybrids came up with a dynamic lightning design, the North Devon crew used images of Queen Liz, The Jerseys designed something reminiscent of The Sopranos gun logo and the Longhorns boasted a Lone Star with a likeness of George Bush. Trackers scouring the Occidental-Freestone hills and meadows could easily identify which breeds had been where, and how out of sorts they might have been. There were confrontations and a few minor tussles, but it could easily get out of hand and we KOWSers decided we'd better do something about it.
Of course we could regroup with counter-insurgency teams and attempt to recapture KOWSFM from these rather benign invaders, but the butter and cream were unbearably fresh and besides, the blissfully bumbling Bovines were fun to have around.
So we took a different approach. We called Gordy MacKown. known up in Saskatchewan as the Cow Whisperer. Gordon and his girlfriend Mandy Hoboken (she's part Jersey), are two of the most thoughtful and courteous people you'll ever meet. They're forever in a good mood and always have something pleasant to say. If you tune into the Mystery Train on Monday afternoons you're sure to catch a few gems, and, with all due respect, Mandy and Gord are far more articulate than Wanda and Georgette.
Gordy's twin, Bruce, also made the trip (they're inseparable) and although his throat is hoarse (no pun intended), the three of them expect they'll be able to work with the formerly Benign Bovines and help us all to re-establish harmony and eliminate discord. Turns out their families have had a long association with George and Georgette S. Kowfman and Wanda and Charles Bukowski, and the trio is optimistic about working things out.
Meanwhile, The MacKown brothers and little Mandy will be guests on the next 3 or 4 "Mystery Train" outings and I expect you'll really enjoy their pleasantries and somewhat indulgent north-of-the-border patter.
Stay tuned and we'll keep you apprised of further developments as they happen.
Meanwhile, take care where you leave your own Monogram, and be sure to hike with friends or your Poodle if you're bent on exploring the magic of Sonoma County.

The below pictures illustrate Angus' Charolais heart throb
A group of adolescents "Monograming"
Teen-Cow activities drive Occidentilians nuts.
Bovine Delusions of Grandeur
A mad cow
And Muu Kows from Kapa'a Kauai
Also Pictured Bruce, Gordy & Mandy wondering when Waccobb is coming up to Moose Jaw.