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  1. TopTop #1
    ghatmandu
     

    Dating for Dummies

    So after being in 3 long term relationships over the past 35 years where does one in there mid 50's (spirtually minded creative artistic) go to meet others these days? When I was younger it seemed so easy hangin with friends at the car hop or bowling alley or the park, but now it even feels strange standing in Copperfields reading a copy of Dating for Dummies trying to look interesting enough for that elusive moment of bliss we call eye contact.Help !!!
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  2. TopTop #2
    shellebelle
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    You may enjoy this post

    https://www.waccobb.net/forums/showthread.php?t=31113

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by ghatmandu: View Post
    So after being in 3 long term relationships over the past 35 years where does one in there mid 50's (spirtually minded creative artistic) go to meet others these days? When I was younger it seemed so easy hangin with friends at the car hop or bowling alley or the park, but now it even feels strange standing in Copperfields reading a copy of Dating for Dummies trying to look interesting enough for that elusive moment of bliss we call eye contact.Help !!!
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  3. TopTop #3
    alanora's Avatar
    alanora
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    I have a friend who swears by "home depot" for meeting men! Would love to know how you fare if you feel like sharing. I prefer sitting in my room imagining "him" parachuting on in, an even less likely scenario......and the way it would feel to love and be loved, the joy of deep communion. In that parallel universe in my mind it is all well balanced. Current perception includes moments that are better left unshared, and questioning whether it really would be great to have a partner here Now or now or NOW. lol. mindy How the h-e-double hockey sticks does one appear interesting? rofl

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by ghatmandu: View Post
    So after being in 3 long term relationships over the past 35 years where does one in there mid 50's (spirtually minded creative artistic) go to meet others these days? When I was younger it seemed so easy hangin with friends at the car hop or bowling alley or the park, but now it even feels strange standing in Copperfields reading a copy of Dating for Dummies trying to look interesting enough for that elusive moment of bliss we call eye contact.Help !!!
    Last edited by alanora; 02-01-2008 at 08:41 AM.
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  4. TopTop #4
    Jahshua
    Guest

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    I hear you, brother.. In my experience, it can be sort of a drag to be single and middle-aged. At least I don't feel very supported by the culture around me. My only suggestions is to stay as open as possible and to expand one's parameters for interaction, intimacy, and the "L" word. (love). ie: don't expect it to be as easy as when you were in high-school or college, or whatever.

    Also, to energetically do more of what you love to do, with other people, if possible. It looks like you have some good skills to share, (On your public profile), maybe you can find people who want to learn more or practice what you do..

    I've been practicing "social networking" on craigslist, here, and elsewhere.. you just do more of what you did, and try to learn from your mistakes and success'.

    I also spend regular time in coffee shops, and find I can meet people and enjoy their company.. being more outgoing than I normally would be, leads to friendships, for starters. I'm regular in my habits, that way and make a point to engage in positive, interesting conversations, as the opportunities occur.

    If you like to hike, there are hiking groups that seem to be a great way to meet people in a non-threatening, neutral way. Community College classes are good that way too. Or Church. Burning Man, I've heard is great, if you are adventurous and have some stamina, left.. : ) Harbin Hot Springs is very "cool" if you are not shy and can deal with "clothing optional".. the scenery is very nice, and the baths are awesome, at least.

    Oops, there I go.. let me know if I'm boring or if you want more suggestions.

    Scott.

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by ghatmandu: View Post
    So after being in 3 long term relationships over the past 35 years where does one in there mid 50's (spirtually minded creative artistic) go to meet others these days? When I was younger it seemed so easy hangin with friends at the car hop or bowling alley or the park, but now it even feels strange standing in Copperfields reading a copy of Dating for Dummies trying to look interesting enough for that elusive moment of bliss we call eye contact.Help !!!
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  5. TopTop #5
    shellebelle
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    I liked your answer! And I want to point out if appears that you move to action and out of the house!

    Recently I have had some conversations that when I asked "Where do you meet people?" They said online but when asked where do they meet in person they looked perplexed.

    Soo like the Dr Phil commercial unless you want to date the pizza delivery boy you are probably going to have leave the house!

    Oh yeh and come to the Wacco events! I made lots of eye contact!!!

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by Jahshua: View Post
    I hear you, brother.. In my experience, it can be sort of a drag to be single and middle-aged. At least I don't feel very supported by the culture around me. My only suggestions is to stay as open as possible and to expand one's parameters for interaction, intimacy, and the "L" word. (love). ie: don't expect it to be as easy as when you were in high-school or college, or whatever.

    Also, to energetically do more of what you love to do, with other people, if possible. It looks like you have some good skills to share, (On your public profile), maybe you can find people who want to learn more or practice what you do..

    I've been practicing "social networking" on craigslist, here, and elsewhere.. you just do more of what you did, and try to learn from your mistakes and success'.

    I also spend regular time in coffee shops, and find I can meet people and enjoy their company.. being more outgoing than I normally would be, leads to friendships, for starters. I'm regular in my habits, that way and make a point to engage in positive, interesting conversations, as the opportunities occur.

    If you like to hike, there are hiking groups that seem to be a great way to meet people in a non-threatening, neutral way. Community College classes are good that way too. Or Church. Burning Man, I've heard is great, if you are adventurous and have some stamina, left.. : ) Harbin Hot Springs is very "cool" if you are not shy and can deal with "clothing optional".. the scenery is very nice, and the baths are awesome, at least.

    Oops, there I go.. let me know if I'm boring or if you want more suggestions.

    Scott.
    Last edited by shellebelle; 02-02-2008 at 09:30 AM.
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  6. TopTop #6
    Jahshua
    Guest

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Thank you, Shellebelle..

    "shellebelle wrote: "I liked your answer! And I want to point out if appears that you move to action and out of the house!

    Recently I have had some conversations that when I asked "Where do you meet people?" They said online but when asked where do they meet in person they looked perplexed. "


    Soo like the Dr Phil commercial unless you want to date the pizza delivery boy you are probably going to have leave the house!

    I agree, many people have a bizarre disconnect from actual face-time reality, as opposed to virtual reality. I have a personal rule, or value that the internet is no substitute for actual face-to-face reality. Don't get me wrong though; I love a really good virtual interaction and it's okay if that's all it is.. but it's still not a substitute for the real thing, just like digital porn is no substitute for a loving skin on skin interaction. Personally, I think mp3s are a lousy substitute for live music, but they are pretty amazing as a form of personal entertainment. Still, it'd be a real shame if someone never got around to hearing live music because he or she was too involved with their iPod.

    Oh yeh and come to the Wacco events! I made lots of eye contact!!![/quote]

    I'd like to, sometime, but Sebastopol is a bit of a drive, on top of my many hours of commuting. I'll be on the lookout and will try to come to the next one. I intend to come over there for some dancing, soon, too. I'm just getting over a relationship, did I mention that? It looks like we are going to be good friends, which is a good thing, though sometimes stressful for me, so far. I guess it'll sort itself out, sooner or later.

    For me, leaving the house has never been a big issue, (coffeeshops have been my second home, ditto, the gym or dance-space), but being assertive in meeting and making new women friends has been challenging. A light began to dawn when a male friend mentioned that being shy really has no particular usefulness. I tried to expand my comfort zone, and found the consequences of being more "forward" were not so bad, certainly not worse than being alone, and (metaphorically) chasing my own tail, with all the inner dialogs, self-recriminations of un-expressed desires and interests. Anyway, I think I mentioned, I get a lot of experience talking to men and women, one-on-one, in my 28 years as a massage therapist, so after a while I suppose it's natural to get less nervous about communication.. ( Please take of your clothes and get under the covers on the table, and I'll be back in a minute.. : )

    Lately, I'm looking more at why in the world I would NOT take the risk to find out if I have a chance to get closer to someone I find interesting, attractive, and a potential partner. I think there is a residual fear of failure, since I have more at stake with someone I really like/want, BUT, not risking failure means there is very little chance of succeeding.. (DOH!)
    I think this is learned very early for socially successful people, but I am a late bloomer, I guess. Strangely, being older and having less investment and drive to be with someone seems to have made it a lot easier to just be myself, in a more extroverted way. It's simple, really, if we can just get out of our own way.. (that's the hard part, though!)

    Anyway, why not give the other person the option of deciding for themselves whether they are interested or not, but showing them as much as possible of how great you are, (in a non-intrusive, non-obnoxious way, of course), instead of trying to indirectly manipulate them into liking you. When I look at it this way, it is much less stressful; I just show them the aspects of myself that I thing are noteworthy in general, or of interest to the other person... from then on, it's more or less up to them to decide if they want to follow up to the next step. My latest approach is to be open to whatever the possibilities area with a person, and dialing my expectations and agendas way down.. seems to work better than projecting like hell, waging internal dialogue wars, and having ridiculous expectations for the future, etc.. ; p (Like I useta!)

    This starts to touch on the much deeper layers of codependency, which have been life long issues for me to unravel. I've come to accept that my personality is geared to pleasing people, which is really sort of manipulative, when you get right down to it, just like massage therapy is, (in a good way, hopefully). I am just looking to find a balanced and healthy way of doing that.

    Thanks again for responding to my post, Shellebelle!
    Scott.
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  7. TopTop #7
    ghatmandu
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by shellebelle: View Post
    I liked your answer! And I want to point out if appears that you move to action and out of the house!

    Recently I have had some conversations that when I asked "Where do you meet people?" They said online but when asked where do they meet in person they looked perplexed.

    Soo like the Dr Phil commercial unless you want to date the pizza delivery boy you are probably going to have leave the house!

    Oh yeh and come to the Wacco events! I made lots of eye contact!!!
    Thanks for the suggestions folks, I guess I have become somewhat of a recluse these days, and definitely not into dating the pizza delivery guy (although I did think of asking the ups girl if she was free) I look forward to BB events keep me posted if you hear of anything interesting. Thanks
    Last edited by Barry; 02-03-2008 at 10:47 AM.
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  8. TopTop #8
    shellebelle
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    I like your thoughts but just had to comment - often times what we personally find
    Quote aspects of myself that I thing are noteworthy in general, or of interest to the other person
    I have found is not what others note about me.

    If you get brave or have honest friends ask them what about you floats their boat! What attracted them to you.

    And just for reference where are you?

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by Jahshua: View Post
    Anyway, why not give the other person the option of deciding for themselves whether they are interested or not, but showing them as much as possible of how great you are, (in a non-intrusive, non-obnoxious way, of course), instead of trying to indirectly manipulate them into liking you. When I look at it this way, it is much less stressful; I just show them the aspects of myself that I thing are noteworthy in general, or of interest to the other person... from then on, it's more or less up to them to decide if they want to follow up to the next step. My latest approach is to be open to whatever the possibilities area with a person, and dialing my expectations and agendas way down.. seems to work better than projecting like hell, waging internal dialogue wars, and having ridiculous expectations for the future, etc.. ; p (Like I useta!)

    This starts to touch on the much deeper layers of codependency, which have been life long issues for me to unravel. I've come to accept that my personality is geared to pleasing people, which is really sort of manipulative, when you get right down to it, just like massage therapy is, (in a good way, hopefully). I am just looking to find a balanced and healthy way of doing that.

    Thanks again for responding to my post, Shellebelle!
    Scott.
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  9. TopTop #9
    shellebelle
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Well I had two meets (maybe three) this weekend and I have three coffee dates the coming week - intentional friendships!!!! Okay I don't know what I do or don't do but I am so enjoying the great people I am meeting here!

    Interesting intriguing and such fabulous minds!!!!! I am never bored!

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by ghatmandu: View Post
    Thanks for the suggestions folks, I guess I have become somewhat of a recluse these days, and definitely not into dating the pizza delivery guy (although I did think of asking the ups girl if she was free) I look forward to BB events keep me posted if you hear of anything interesting. Thanks
    Last edited by shellebelle; 02-04-2008 at 07:58 AM. Reason: clarity
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  10. TopTop #10
    nicofrog's Avatar
    nicofrog
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Jeesh folks;
    get AWAY from the computer screens there are so many dances (mostly freestyle) friday nights around the Seb.community center that you can almos always hit one ,Kirtans, awsome, all kinds of dance events,no you don't haver to know how to dance there are people MASSAGING each other around the sides! jeez go to a movie by yourself,or hang out and get massaged for free
    what a decision...hello it'sa no brainer!,or go to love choir(ask around the plaza)forget about relationship It's a 3 times four letter word ! It will take care of itself if you let yourself have some fun!No You don't have to sing just sit there and groove and singing will happen naturally.Sign up for a tantra group whoe no it's NOT all about sex folks...thats the naughty western European braintan shining its twisted light on things just GO.This community has MORE fun things to do with people than anywhere in the country!!!Become an environmental activist LOTS of healthy vibrant friendly people!
    lose yourself in joy and it will find itself in you
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  11. TopTop #11
    shellebelle
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    I agree - put the events/classes thread/category on your individual emails and you'll never miss a thing advertised here!

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by nicofrog: View Post
    Jeesh folks;
    get AWAY from the computer screens there are so many dances (mostly freestyle) friday nights around the Seb.community center that you can almos always hit one ,Kirtans, awsome, all kinds of dance events,no you don't haver to know how to dance there are people MASSAGING each other around the sides! jeez go to a movie by yourself,or hang out and get massaged for free
    what a decision...hello it'sa no brainer!,or go to love choir(ask around the plaza)forget about relationship It's a 3 times four letter word ! It will take care of itself if you let yourself have some fun!No You don't have to sing just sit there and groove and singing will happen naturally.Sign up for a tantra group whoe no it's NOT all about sex folks...thats the naughty western European braintan shining its twisted light on things just GO.This community has MORE fun things to do with people than anywhere in the country!!!Become an environmental activist LOTS of healthy vibrant friendly people!
    lose yourself in joy and it will find itself in you
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  12. TopTop #12
    ghatmandu
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Thank you all for all of your positive uplifting ideas!! Iam truly grateful for the wonderful options you've brought to the subject.Thank you !!!
    much light and love
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  13. TopTop #13
    Barry's Avatar
    Barry
    Founder & Moderator

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by ghatmandu: View Post
    Thank you all for all of your positive uplifting ideas!! Iam truly grateful for the wonderful options you've brought to the subject.Thank you !!!
    much light and love
    I'm thrilled to hear it has helped you, ghatmandu!

    And let the discussion continue!

    My is to make lingering eye contact with everybody once you leave your home! Once you've shared a glance, you've already broken the ice and talking becomes natural.

    Any other thoughts???
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  14. TopTop #14
    shellebelle
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    I like the lingering eye contact too. When coaching people in this arena ask them to take just a moment to hold that contact. A smile is very important as well. I smile a lot and I practice smiling a lot to ensure that I am smiling without thought.

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by Barry: View Post
    I'm thrilled to hear it has helped you, ghatmandu!

    And let the discussion continue!

    My is to make lingering eye contact with everybody once you leave your home! Once you've shared a glance, you've already broken the ice and talking becomes natural.

    Any other thoughts???
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  15. TopTop #15
    ghatmandu
     

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Quote Posted in reply to the post by Barry: View Post
    I'm thrilled to hear it has helped you, ghatmandu!

    And let the discussion continue!

    My is to make lingering eye contact with everybody once you leave your home! Once you've shared a glance, you've already broken the ice and talking becomes natural.

    Any other thoughts???
    I'd like to share a little bit of history about myself and how this whole subject came about in hopes that it may help others in a similar situation,Several years ago I was living quite comfortably,really good job which I'd been at for 14 years great money, stable relationship, life was good. A back injury which required surgery and subsiquent loss of my job, loss of my dad,two childhood friends who were married to each other dying within a year of each other,loss of a relationship of 15 years,all of my financal resources gone,not to mention becoming dependent on vicoden and morphine for lingering pain.
    Now comes the silver lining in the midst of all the loss and chaos. All hope seemed to be gone I felt I was on the brink of extinction.I was forced to make a choice live or die.I chose to live. First thing I did was stop taking the pain meds.I chose to turn inward for some intense spiritual guidance and healing,taking the time to really reconnect to a higher source,to truly come to know the "truth".I have become truly grateful for what I've found, so for all those suffering from loss or pain or whatever hand may have been dealt to you,(good or bad) take some time to get to know your self,count your blessings,truly come to know the meaning of love, and never ever take anything for granted.Although I may have lost alot I've learned "I've got a gold the bank can't cash".and I almost forgot.......eye contact is great!!!
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  16. TopTop #16
    Melodymama
    Guest

    Re: Dating for Dummies

    Jahshua wrote: "This starts to touch on the much deeper layers of codependency, which have been life long issues for me to unravel. I've come to accept that my personality is geared to pleasing people, which is really sort of manipulative, when you get right down to it, just like massage therapy is, (in a good way, hopefully). I am just looking to find a balanced and healthy way of doing that."

    Boy, I know that one. I am just starting to look around at possible dating possibilities after almost 30 years of being with one partner, starting and building a business together, raising a family that had many health needs. I lost myself somewhere in there, and I am feeling oddly like a young adult with much creative and personal energy, finding spiritual calm and clarity. But the thought of really dating again makes me feel 15 all over again. It is scary and exciting simultaneously. Mykil says I am 'prudish'. I do love all kinds of people and am finding that if I just focus on the moment and what is at hand I attract more energy from men than if I get ahead of myself and want to somehow control the situation. Too timid still to go online for a date. Thank you, Barry,for the eye contact comment. I need eye contact, so I go out. Being in Graton, the Ace feels safe and is entertaining. I am active in many wonderful groups and I am finally feeling open to whatever. I am more comfortable with myself than I have ever been. I have learned that I am less willing to drop my needs and beliefs than I was when younger. So, I figure it will happen when I am truly ready and I will be able to enjoy the process with new energy, less fear. And I am hoping to have one more really passionate and cozy love in my life. I am finding much passion in my creative pursuits, especially singing. That flying, orgasmic feeling can come in many forms. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I do well to be my own best friend. Laura
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