DAMN YOU, HARRY POTTER!
Prologue
A few weeks ago when the premier of Harry Potter Order of the Phoenix hit the theatres, I went to a local theatre (quite possibly in a town called Sebastopol) in eager anticipation. The movie was pretty good, but as I left the theatre a nagging guilt hit me like one of Harry's magic spells - I had now seen all 5 of the Harry Potter movies, but never had read any of the books. And I don't mean that I started to read some of them or had at least read the first book, I mean I had never so much as looked at one page of any of his books...which was something I dared not admit to any of the hardcore Potter fans I had encountered at the theatre.
This guilt was overwhelming until the final chapter of the Harry Potter hit bookstores right around this same time. People at work who were die-hard fans were talking about the new book in earnest, until one day I found myself accidentally dragged into a Harry Potter discussion, where I let the truth slip (quite defensively, I might add) that I hadn't read any of the books. One co-worker eyed me most suspiciously...who was I to even think about discussing these sacred tomes of geekiness without having read them? A burning fury was set within me, which leads me now to tell the true story of why I never read any of the books...
The Beginning of my Ignorance of all Things Harry Potter
Circa 1999 and early 2000 brought to an online group where various fans of RPG (role playing) video games assembled to discuss a new game that we were all playing on our PCs. The name of this game isn't important, but what really has relevance to this story is that a small group of became so upset with the fact that this game was still in "Beta" form (ie, unfinished programming) that we decided to start writing funny stories about our characters in the game. Some people have labeled this kind of ex post facto creativity "fan fiction", but you'll never hear me admit it while sober, and I haven't actually been drunk in many years. This game feature the usually Tolkien-esque theme, Humans, Elves, Dwarves, Goblins and Faeries, you name it, it was there.
My story consisted of a young faerie (a little green guy with wings) who was admitted to study in a legendary school of Magical Arts. He was skilled beyond belief, having incredible magical powers for such a young man, yet didn't have the maturity to handle them and ended up getting in all sorts of mischief. Eventually he fell in love with a young Gnome and was expelled from school, just because he caused a storm of raining fireballs to roast a few people during his schools version of Final Exams. The rest of the story isn't at all important, but why I share this story today is due to the reaction I received, especially from the online consortium of geeks and freaks that I belonged to. Many people loved my story, yet several people, one in particular, told me that I had needed to try something a little more original, and that I had "really ripped off Harry Potter." Having never heard these two words used except maybe to describe some of the stoners I had seen making vases in the art class I dropped out of back in High School, I made the unfortunate mistake of asking the following in all of my artful naiveté:
"What on Earth is Harry Potter?"
Needless to say I received an overload of responses...and it wasn't long before Harry Potter mania swept through our nation like the Bubonic Plague of yore. Everyone I knew...including all of my co-workers at the time kept telling "YOU JUST HAVE TO READ IT!" At first I thought it was quite comical to see people in their 50s (I’m now 32, for the record) telling me to read a children's book...but it seemed that J. K. Rowling had hoodwinked everyone I knew...because when men and women both young and old started singing the praises of the boy with a lightning scar on his forehead, I found myself quite simply, amidst the dwindling ignorant minority who had never read the book. Did I say book? Soon the plural form rose this series to even greater fame...and I resisted...vowing that I'd never, ever waste my time with such silly stories.
Now then, I did go and watch the first Harry Potter movie at the theatre, thinking that it was pretty good but not really understanding what all of the mania was about. And soon after that, I forgot about the later movies...the new books...it all was washed away in the sands of time I focused on more important things...like chasing women, Salsa dancing and chasing women, etc... :)
But one day several years ago, I realized that I could resist no longer. It seemed that I didn't know a single person who wasn't a HP fan, so one day I broke down and headed to a local bookstore that might have been called Borders...determined as I was to buy the cheapest copy of the first Harry Potter book to finally shut my friends and co-workers up. I wasn't about to spend a ton of money on the hard cover edition, I just wanted a paperback copy to read...sounded easy to find at such a huge bookstore, right?
At this point in the time, the 4th book, Goblet of Fire stared at me from nearly every shelf in the store. I looked frantically around for a paperback copy of Book 1...and finally ANY copy of the first book...but it was hopeless. I was surrounded by the mother lode of Harry Potter tchotchke...audio books, super fancy (and pricey) hard cover editions and every other kind of HP toy or gimmick that could possibly be conceived. I think there may have even been Harry Potter toilet paper...I was sick and overwhelmed...
And using the stores catalog system was entirely fruitless. Typing the two words of terror "Harry Potter" into their little kiosk machines deluged me with hundreds of selections...none of which were a paper back edition of the first book. I checked out every aisle in the store, talking to several pimply-faced teens in hopes of finding the first book...but after an hour I stormed out of the store so angry that I didn't go back for months. Screw Harry Potter, and screw all of his stupid fans!
Several more years passed, which one day led me to live briefly in Arizona where I was house sitting for my new boss during a particular nasty heat wave in the month of September, 2005. One night while looking through their movies, I found the 2nd and third 3rd Harry Potter adventures, which I proceeded to watch as I passed out on the couch, finding them both quite enjoyable. A few days later I moved back to California, and just a few months later I found myself watching the 4th movie in a theatre that might have been the same one I mentioned at the start of my story, thinking it was one of the best movies I'd seen in a while. I often thought that maybe I should try again to read one of the books at least...but soon talked myself out of it for the 111th time.
One thing I forgot to mention was that during this time, I had a new home business of selling used and rare books on the internet. I spent many days at library sales and thrift stores, finding not only books to sell but all sorts of interesting tomes for my personal collection. But strangely enough, and I'm not sure when or where, I ended up finding several Harry Potter books that weren't really worth selling, but thinking that I might ACTUALLY read them one day, I tucked them into boxes along with my personal library. And it was tough to keep them, especially when I moved again and realized that several of these books were taking up entirely too much room due to their size, and when would I ever find the time to read them? I came very close to taking them to the Goodwill to rid myself of these stupid damn books...but I hesitated, and soon forgot all about them.
This brings me back to the present, where the berating of my co-worker finally was the last straw. Hadn't read the books, had I? Well, I was about to show this guy and the rest of the millions of Harry Potter fans a talent that I rarely speak of, and that is that I am one helluva fast and voracious reader.
When I was in grade school, my mother routinely caught me at night sitting under the covers with a flashlight reading until the wee hours of the morning, sometimes skipping sleep altogether. She always prided me for reading, but also scolded me to not getting enough sleep. I’m not trying to brag, but I read so many books that the school librarian told me that I was her favorite student...for I read more books in a month then most kids read during their entire 8 years in grade school. Remembering this, Harry Potter would prove no challenge to me. I gave myself 2 weeks to read all of the books, knowing full well that some of them were 700-900 pages each.
Going through my many boxes of books, I made a startling discovery. I in fact had in my possession three of the now seven Harry Potter books, books one, three and four. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was right under my nose for months, and now, it was time to step up and take the plunge. Starting Sunday night on July 22nd, my quest began...
I read the first book in several hours...finding it to be everything people said it was and more...but then I was left with this huge empty feeling...I was missing book number two! I couldn't wait until morning when I might be able to buy it after work...so I read about a quarter of book 3 just for fun....
And the next day at work, I was confronted by the co-worker who had so chastised me for not reading the books, where he proceeded to hand me a copy of the 7th and final Harry Potter book for me to borrow and read. He then asked if I was serious about reading the books, and to his surprise, I informed him that I had just finished book one, which brought a huge smile to his face. But a dilemma still had me...because I was still missing book 2...but that was soon to be rectified.
After work I headed downtown (again, I might be referring to Sebastopol), going first to a large used bookstore where most of the employees never bother to acknowledge your existence (you all know the one). But much to my chagrin, they did not have the book I so greatly desired. They had a used copy of the first book and also the 3rd and maybe the 4th, and several copies of book 6, the Half Blood Prince. Seeing that book always bothered me...for until the arrival of book #7...I seemed to see the Half-Assed Prince or whatever it was called everywhere I went, reminding me once more of my decision to remain blissfully ignorant of reading these silly kids books.
“Screw Book 6!” I said, which later proved to one of the stupidest things I have done in quite a while, but more on that later. I headed down the sidewalk to another books store, and I was in luck! I bought the second book brand spanking new in paper back for just 9 bucks...and headed home to hear the further adventures of Harry and the gang.
By the end of the first week, I had completed books 1 through 4...quite a feat, if you ask me. On Sunday I headed back to the large bookstore that still might have been called Borders, and happily picked up a cheap paperback copy of book number 5, but to my dismay I couldn't find a paperback copy of book 6. I then came to notice something strange.
There was only a single copy of book 6, The Half Blood Prince amidst books 1-5 and #7. This was a very special collectors edition, with a hefty price tag of $60. I wasn't about to buy it...but I found it strange that this was the only copy of book 6 in the entire store. Thinking perhaps that the lazy staff just hadn't bothered to re-stock the shelves, I headed home and dove into book 5. It took me several days to finish this 870 page monstrosity...and then it was time to finally get book #6...or so I thought at the time…
On Friday night I headed down to the same used book store to get one of the several copies of book 6 that I had seen just days before...only to find that they were gone...as a matter of fact...there wasn't a single Harry Potter book in the store. Disillusioned but not about to give up...I headed down to the store that carried new books, and made another startling discovery....they had not a single copy, neither hardcover or softcover of the Half Blood Prince. Angry beyond words, I headed home and planned my mission for the next to find that book come hell or high water.
The Quest for The Half Blood Prince (aka the curse of Lord Voldemort)
The first thing I should point out is that I had now caught up with all of my knowledge of Harry Potter by reading the first 5 books. I had also seen the 5 movies...yet the contents of books 6 and 7 remained an obscure enigma. I avoided all articles and discussions of Harry Potter on the internet, and even had to tell some idiots at work to shut the hell up when talking about the end of the series, even covering my ears and glaring at them during our Friday meeting the day before. I was about to dive into unknown waters...finally, I would be able to read a Harry Potter book without knowing what the story was about, unlike the first 5 books that I had spoiled by seeing the movies first.
My first destination yesterday placed me once again in the store that might be called Borders. The Half Blood Prince had to be there, right? But once again, I scoured the store in disgust...for even the $60 collectors edition was gone. I was mad. I was angry. And I was also standing in the children's section being eyed very strangely by a bunch of young kids who I was prepared to tell where just the same age as my kids if they happened to ask me what I was doing there, despite the fact that I'm single and have never fathered or adopted any children, but that's no ones business but my own.
I wasn't about to give up without a fight. I searched their kiosks in wild earnest...finding only the following statement about Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince:
"Likely in Store"
A black cloud was now belching fire and thunder above my head. I should point out to any one bored enough to be reading this that I am a person of extremes. I see the world as black and white, and despite being a "New Age Kinda Guy" I very much think and act like a Neanderthal Caveman. Sure, I could buy the book on Amazon, or borrow it from one of my friends on Monday, but that might TAKE ANOTHER 2 DAYS!!! Either you have the book, or you don't. This is akin to going on a hot date and having the woman inform you that you will "likely get her in bed tonight." Likely, maybe, possibly and hopefully and words for the ignorant and stupid....and they never, EVER assure you that you will get anything at all!!!
You have to understand, that when you trying to find something today that you were desperate to get yesterday, that it becomes an all consuming quest. To take the easy path means admitting defeat. I wanted that book...and wasn't leaving the store without it!!!
I patrolled the store several more times....hoping that I missed the book somewhere...but no...Book 7 "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" stared at me from a myriad of bookshelves...glaring, menacing...but alone withou its prequel, the coveted book #6. I tried to find a clerk...but after looking EVERYWHERE...I found only one person who was working there...helping an older lady to find a book about French poodle or something else that I knew was totally stupid. I hovered around them for almost 10 minutes...yet I finally realized that this store was great for some things, but for Harry Potter, it was utterly and truly worthless!
My next stop was the mall, a place I hadn't gone in years. I clearly remembered a bookstore...and hey, wouldn't a mall be THE place to find Harry Potter books?
Nope.
I walked upstairs. I walked downstairs. I read the little sign that listed all of the stores....there were no real bookstores left...but hey, someone was doing iPod engravings...what has happened to the world?!!?!?
That was the last straw. There was one other very large bookstore in Santa Rosa near 4th street that just HAD to have The Half Blood Prince. I went there within minutes, finding myself winding through a Labyrinth to the children's section, nearly stepping on several kids who were lying on the floor reading. I could see the Harry Potter books...one yes...I could see them...my hands reached out...to get...my precious....
My hands touched the books....which were clearly in order. Book 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...and 7. It was if the evil Lord Voldemort was standing there, laughing his maniacal and sinister laugh:
"You'll never get book number six, Harry Potter!"
I was cheated, clearly, once again. I almost wished that J.K. Rowling had been there signing autographs, just to get a chance to hurl books 1 2 3 4 5 and 7 at her in my sincere disgust. Book 6 might as well have been how Opel Mehta Got Kissed or whatever that book was called, because it appears to have been pulled from the shelves.
In my angst, I realized that I had other errands to get done, so I once again stormed out of yet another bookstore and headed to get my mail in Cotati. But wait...there was a little bookstore by a market that might be named Oliver's...a little beatnik place where I had gone on a somewhat uncomfortable blind date just a few months back.
I suddenly found myself in this store...thinking it was the last place to find Harry Potter books. But sure enough...I found them...thinking I had lucked out...THIS WAS THE GOLD MINE!!
Why look...this store that was 1/20 the size of Borders has book 1...there's book 2, 3...4...5....and....
7.
Once again, the Gods of Destiny pulled their worst tricks on me. I left the store a nearly defeated man. My only cure was to go and watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the theatre one more time. I arrived at the movies early...giving me just enough time to wander downtown to the two bookstores...which naturally...still didn't have The Half Blood Prince either.
I really enjoyed watching the 5th movie for the 3rd time...having now read the book and thinking that the ending was pretty lame compared to the one in the book...but then it hit me. I was headed home without book number 6...and knowing that I'd never even peek at my copy of book 7 so graciously lent to me before reading the previous book.
It is now Sunday...and armed with a phone book and some remaining sanity...I am soon off to find this elusive book Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. But I first must say something to my fellow Muggles, so listen up:
*If you have more than one copy of the Half Blood Prince at your home, I HATE YOU!!!
*If bought one of the last copies at any of the stores I visited, then I HATE YOU TOO!!!
*If you work in any of the bookstores I mentioned, you really, and truly, SUCK!!!!
DAMN YOU, HARRY POTTER!!!!
DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-to be continued...