HeinieLand Part I

[decterlove]

Things got so bad by the end of the Twenty-First Century, Human Nature being what it is…that the Space People decided to intervene on behalf of the Earthlings before there were no Earthlings left to intervene on behalf of. Constant warfare between every Sect, Sex, and Section of Humankind had brought Serial Misery to Everyone and there was no end in sight to it.

Now according to Intergalactic Federation rules, Direct Intervention in the Daily Doings of Primitive Life forms was both Ill-advised and Cosmically frowned upon, but the Space People agreed that some sort of large scale Behavior Modification Program for the Misbehaving Bipeds was necessary and desirable, if only to save some of the more interesting species lower on the food chain like Meerkats and Leopard Lizards, and might be acceptable if it was kept Minimal and didn’t require any large investments of Space capital.

They, that is the Space People, decided to spike the atmosphere with a new Cosmic Wonder drug, a drug that had already shown great promise in other troublesome galaxies. This New Wonder Drug, classified as a BioThermal Irritant, when inhaled or ingested in the Tiniest molecular quantities, affected the large Gluteal muscles of the body, increasing Metabolism in those particular muscle fibers, so rapidly that maximal Biothermal activity would be reached in a matter of seconds, whenever triggered by Strong Angry Feelings. In other words, whenever you got really Mad at somebody, your Butt would heat fast enough to fry an egg on it!

So effective was this new Cosmic Wonder Drug that all angry words, Warlike behaviors, and unpleasant aggressive advances Ceased within a matter of Minutes, Hours, and in a few Hardcore cases, days! Organized crime disappeared within a week! As did Religious Warfare. Some of the more lucky violent types managed to escape to Antartica where they could sit down at the First Sign, of what came to be known as the Dreaded HeinieHeat or “Buttburn” and they formed a Colony down there….sort of a Twenty-First century Australia.

The Underlying Conflicts, of course, remained the same but Earthlings soon became, as a rule, much more tolerant of each other.

Soon Some were even making a Game of it!

The Idea being that if you could Tick Somebody else off REAL good...without getting Ticked yourself…you could watch them go Running Desperately Off in Search of…

The nearest COLD stream…..
Or Frozen food department…
While you had yourself a Chuckle

One group of Americans…Particularly Resistant to the Change, were the Hot-n-trot Tribe of North Idaho. They had a long history of BAD attitudes, UN-wise behaviors…and they just couldn’t seem to Grasp this New Fact of Earthly Life on a Consistent Enough basis to avoid nearly Daily Butt Burns! Their Young people, as is often the Case…were the first to Successfully make the Transition.