Ask Linda:What to do about Anger?

[Mrs. Wacco]

I have met a great guy and have just celebrated our 3 month anniversary yesterday, he has many health issues, and he has defied death in the past. Also many of his past relationships have not been shall we say respectful of/to him. When we first met, it was all laughter and sunshine for about 2-3 weeks.
My issue is this: he is very angry a lot. I mean he gets angry very easily. It seems I must not say or do anything cause he will take it wrong and get angry. He is not the violent type, so I am not afraid of him or anything. I have told him that I have a loving heart, I am not out to hurt him, belittle him, or anything else his past girlfriends have done to him. I just want to be with him…happily.

I have told him “If I don’t make you happy why do you want to be with me?” He has told me that he loves me and thinks I am wonderful. I love him too. Cause he is soooo sweet and loving and good to me when he is not in his “mood”.


I am usually on edge expecting the explosion to form and act. Never knowing when it will happen.

He is aware, and is trying to not be that way. I have questioned myself wondering why would I want to be with a person such as this when I have spent most of my life as a hermit to avoid “THEM”.

I think things would be great and fine, If the anger was not there.
Any advice?
Renata

Dear Renata,

But the anger is there. In a nut shell: do not choose to be in relationship with someone because you hope they MIGHT change. If he is embracing his own transformation via therapy, group work, whatever, then you might have a chance and might hang around for a period of time as change can take time or not – depends on how committed he is to his anger. (I highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum for creating transformation) But what you see is what you get. If you can accept him for whom he is, love him unconditionally, and learn to deal with his outbursts, (leave the room, refuse to respond, aikido moves, put yourself in time out from him) that’s a choice. I was married to an angry man and I ultimately couldn’t make that one. I tried, for years. I also tried via therapy to get him to change. Didn’t happen because you cannot change another person, unless they choose to change for themself. I HIGHLY recommend you read “Dance of Anger”. It is a dance and until one party chooses to dance differently, it continues. I chose to dance right out of the marriage because I could not accept who he was. And everyone does get to be who they are.

Like you, I have had to look and work on WHY I stayed in this type of relationship.You might explore this - do you accept anger because you grew up with it and it seems "normal"? or do you not think you deserve to be treated better? All worthy of consideration.

We are each responsible for our own happiness. You cannot make him happy. We do not have the power to change another. You can say something like: I really love you, want to be with you but I cannot accept your anger. So I choose to ____________. That will change the dance. Bottom line, if you want change, you have to change. Its also a good time to check in with yourself and try to know what you really want, what you really need in relationship. Does he give it? It’s only 3 months so you're not too invested. I'd tread carefully and be sure you are honoring yourself and not accepting anything less than you deserve!

Hope this helps

Linda

[Juggledude]

Renata,

I want to jump in here and sympathize with you, as well as with your love. I support and agree with Linda's words, and am going to explore a couple of the resources she mentions. Her stressing of the reality of each of us being responsible for our own stuff (emotions, growth, willingness and ability to change) is right on the money, and speaks directly to the fears you express. His anger is his own, and is NOT caused by anything you do or say, walking on eggshells is not a comfortable way to exist.

My main relation to your post comes from my own dance with death. I, too, have many health issues. Five years ago, at the ripe old age of 34, I had a heart attack, underwent emergency bypass surgery, which was botched, my lungs collapsed, I spent a month in ICU on life support fighting my way back. My whole life changed. IT REALLY PISSED ME OFF. More than that, it really SCARED me, and my anger gave me the strength and power to divert the overwhelming fear, but at what cost?

It has been a long and wonderful road, learning and growing out of that place, but one that would have taken much longer alone. There is allot to be said for the right professional therapist, support group, healing work, etc, for in that context, the reflection and healing can take place. I'm sure there may be a path through interpersonal relationship that may help as well, yet I'm left with a feeling that the intimacy of a coupling is better suited toward joyous growth and sharing, rather than the deep internal struggling that accompanied my own lessons in dealing with my fear and mortality.

Keep your own center, be at peace, and best wishes!

Royce

[Mrs. Wacco]

Renata,

I want to jump in here and sympathize with you, as well as with your love. I support and agree with Linda's words, and am going to explore a couple of the resources she mentions. Her stressing of the reality of each of us being responsible for our own stuff (emotions, growth, willingness and ability to change) is right on the money, and speaks directly to the fears you express. His anger is his own, and is NOT caused by anything you do or say, walking on eggshells is not a comfortable way to exist.

My main relation to your post comes from my own dance with death. I, too, have many health issues. Five years ago, at the ripe old age of 34, I had a heart attack, underwent emergency bypass surgery, which was botched, my lungs collapsed, I spent a month in ICU on life support fighting my way back. My whole life changed. IT REALLY PISSED ME OFF. More than that, it really SCARED me, and my anger gave me the strength and power to divert the overwhelming fear, but at what cost?

It has been a long and wonderful road, learning and growing out of that place, but one that would have taken much longer alone. There is allot to be said for the right professional therapist, support group, healing work, etc, for in that context, the reflection and healing can take place. I'm sure there may be a path through interpersonal relationship that may help as well, yet I'm left with a feeling that the intimacy of a coupling is better suited toward joyous growth and sharing, rather than the deep internal struggling that accompanied my own lessons in dealing with my fear and mortality.

Keep your own center, be at peace, and best wishes!

Royce

Royce - Thank you so much for sharing your experience and thoughts.And I appreciate your words of suppport.

I wanted to particulary respond to your comments regarding his anger not having anything to do with Renata. I realized in my previous post that I didn't address her comment regarding past girlfriends who may have treated him badly and being the source of his anger (or at least partly responsible)

We all bring past hurts, wounds, various "buttons" that can get pushed with us into subsequent relationships. We bring our "stories" with us.To be conscious in the face of this fact is to acknowledge it and be aware when we're acting out of the past rather than with the present. When we see what's real, like you are not his ex-girlfriend, then we can start to be present to what's in front of us..

When he is angry, you might ask him, "Who are you having the relationship with right now?" Maybe he can answer, maybe he can't (or won't). But it is a good question to keep between the 2 of you if your observation is that he is acting out of past hurts. Do not take on the responsibility for those hurts nor allow yourself to be the target for them, but maybe you can provide guidance to the fact that you are not "them".


I sincerely hope some of this is helpful and I welcome more inquiries as well as commentary to the "answers". Please write to Linda @waccobb.net


Linda

[Lee Tuley]

to Renata, Linda, and everyone interested,

i'd like to add my 2 cents here about one piece that i think could use some more exploring - that is, 'walking on eggshells'.

As someone who has been there, i know how tempting it is to think, 'if only i can be more perfectly attuned to this person's needs, then we will have a chance at happiness' - or similar thinking. but instead, after a while, we discover we've only created an environment in which the behavior can continue.

not that there isn't a place for giving, but it's only truly healthy giving when we can do it 'with the joy of a small child feeding a baby duck', not when it's motivated from fear.

in a situation like this, at a deeper level, what's really missing here is you. energetically, you can't be yourself when 'walking on eggshells', your energy and focus is on your partner, not on yourself in a wholesome way. thus you are absent to yourself, to him, and probably to others in your life. in other words, you are missing, in both senses - missing for us, the people around you, and you are missing your own life.

when a person is in such a state, your internal energy systems are disrupted. you will be flat in your energy, maybe even a little numb to yourself. life will seem pale. you may have difficulty making decisions and knowing what you want, so you will experience confusion. eventually you even may experience depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, or mistaken beliefs like that you can't be happy without this person. you'll even be more prone to illness (the various kinds of auto immune disruption, so common these days, at least in part, can be from this sort of basic boundary disorganization of leaving the self behind - but that's another story).

so please, don't misplace your unique and precious self. instead, focus on speaking your authentic truth in as kind and thoughtful way as you can in each moment. just being true to yourself will change the dynamics you've been caught in, clarity will return, and your life will come brilliantly alive once again.

just my few thoughts on a quiet sunday morning. i hope they are useful to you.

light and love -

Lee

Dear Renata,

But the anger is there. In a nut shell: do not choose to be in relationship with someone because you hope they MIGHT change. If he is embracing his own transformation via therapy, group work, whatever, then you might have a chance and might hang around for a period of time as change can take time or not – depends on how committed he is to his anger. (I highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum for creating transformation) But what you see is what you get. If you can accept him for whom he is, love him unconditionally, and learn to deal with his outbursts, (leave the room, refuse to respond, aikido moves, put yourself in time out from him) that’s a choice. I was married to an angry man and I ultimately couldn’t make that one. I tried, for years. I also tried via therapy to get him to change. Didn’t happen because you cannot change another person, unless they choose to change for themself. I HIGHLY recommend you read “Dance of Anger”. It is a dance and until one party chooses to dance differently, it continues. I chose to dance right out of the marriage because I could not accept who he was. And everyone does get to be who they are.

Like you, I have had to look and work on WHY I stayed in this type of relationship.You might explore this - do you accept anger because you grew up with it and it seems "normal"? or do you not think you deserve to be treated better? All worthy of consideration.

We are each responsible for our own happiness. You cannot make him happy. We do not have the power to change another. You can say something like: I really love you, want to be with you but I cannot accept your anger. So I choose to ____________. That will change the dance. Bottom line, if you want change, you have to change. Its also a good time to check in with yourself and try to know what you really want, what you really need in relationship. Does he give it? It’s only 3 months so you're not too invested. I'd tread carefully and be sure you are honoring yourself and not accepting anything less than you deserve!

Hope this helps

Linda

[donallan]

Or, in summation: "Anytime we pretend to be someone we are not, to hold on to a relationship, we have already lost it."

Allan Hardman
www.joydancer.com

[mediatorguy]

Anyone living in an atmosphere of abuse would do well to read two books:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

You will learn that 99% of all abusers are incapable of change, incapable of self reflection or of taking any responsibility for the pain they cause others. In their minds, they are the only victims. If they hurt you, it is because, "You made me do it!". (If you want to see a theatrical example of this, see "The Last King of Scotland" and carefully watch the scene in which Idi Amin blames his doctor for not being able to change his mind on a bad decision.)

You will also learn that when you spend months and years in an abusive relationship, most likely you're suffering from PTSD - it's more complicated than you may realize.

I could write much, much more - I hope this is enough to help you think in a more constructive direction than "hoping he will change."

Matt

to Renata, Linda, and everyone interested,

i'd like to add my 2 cents here about one piece that i think could use some more exploring - that is, 'walking on eggshells'.

As someone who has been there, i know how tempting it is to think, 'if only i can be more perfectly attuned to this person's needs, then we will have a chance at happiness' - or similar thinking. but instead, after a while, we discover we've only created an environment in which the behavior can continue.

not that there isn't a place for giving, but it's only truly healthy giving when we can do it 'with the joy of a small child feeding a baby duck', not when it's motivated from fear.

in a situation like this, at a deeper level, what's really missing here is you. energetically, you can't be yourself when 'walking on eggshells', your energy and focus is on your partner, not on yourself in a wholesome way. thus you are absent to yourself, to him, and probably to others in your life. in other words, you are missing, in both senses - missing for us, the people around you, and you are missing your own life.

when a person is in such a state, your internal energy systems are disrupted. you will be flat in your energy, maybe even a little numb to yourself. life will seem pale. you may have difficulty making decisions and knowing what you want, so you will experience confusion. eventually you even may experience depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, or mistaken beliefs like that you can't be happy without this person. you'll even be more prone to illness (the various kinds of auto immune disruption, so common these days, at least in part, can be from this sort of basic boundary disorganization of leaving the self behind - but that's another story).

so please, don't misplace your unique and precious self. instead, focus on speaking your authentic truth in as kind and thoughtful way as you can in each moment. just being true to yourself will change the dynamics you've been caught in, clarity will return, and your life will come brilliantly alive once again.

just my few thoughts on a quiet sunday morning. i hope they are useful to you.

light and love -

Lee

[Lee Tuley]

Hello again,

i'm a little confused about Matt's post. just for the sake of clarity, i'm not suggesting anyone stay in an abusive relationship. in fact, just the opposite. what i am saying is if you speak your truth, the situation will change and start to resolve.

that is, if you are truly with an abusive person, they will end it when you don't play your role of the person who will hang in for it all. if they are not abusive, they will take the necessary steps to stop the behavior. either way you will no longer be in this situation - if you can speak from a place of deep self connection about your own needs for peace, consideration and so on, the relationship will change.

of course with a hard core abuser, you may see either a temporary return to romance and reconciliation, or escalation - both are to keep you there - but you'd see the cycle soon enough.

but the real the point of what i was trying to say earlier, the important thing, is to reclaim your self connection through speaking your truth because it is essential for your well being. in an abusive relationship it is very easy to lose touch with yourself - that's why so many people stay way too long in such situations.

of course all of the above is assuming you aren't in physical danger. if you have any doubts on this score - leave immediately and figure it out later.

lots of words, but i'd like to be clear. i hope that helps -

light and love,
Lee

Anyone living in an atmosphere of abuse would do well to read two books:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman

You will learn that 99% of all abusers are incapable of change, incapable of self reflection or of taking any responsibility for the pain they cause others. In their minds, they are the only victims. If they hurt you, it is because, "You made me do it!". (If you want to see a theatrical example of this, see "The Last King of Scotland" and carefully watch the scene in which Idi Amin blames his doctor for not being able to change his mind on a bad decision.)

You will also learn that when you spend months and years in an abusive relationship, most likely you're suffering from PTSD - it's more complicated than you may realize.

I could write much, much more - I hope this is enough to help you think in a more constructive direction than "hoping he will change."

Matt

[fluteman]

Shedding some new light on an older thread here, but I wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading this discussion. Royce, thank you so much for sharing your story...I went through a similar near death experience once that left me filled with only two emotions...hate and anger. I think that this was partly due to the emancipated condition my body was in (three weeks of sleep deprivation) as well as numerous physical (and mental) injuries. It can be a tough thing to face our innermost survival instincts, especially when a life once bright with hope is fading away.

I was able to deal with and face my anger mainly due to the wise council of my mother. From the moment I started to recover, she told me that I had two choices. I could either continue to hate and be filled with anger, or I could pray and send love to the people that were one of the main causes for my current condition. And also, to myself. This wasn't easy by any means...and it took a lot of time for my prayers to turn from hate to love. Walking that path also led me to face other angers and hurts that were buried, but eventually after several years had passed, I was able to face the people who had once been the nucleus of my anger. I even went so far as to visit them, shake hands and hang out for a brief while, where upon the last bit of my anger vanished.

There were of course many things that were instrumental to my healing process, first and foremost being the care of an amazing homeopathic doctor and my study of Qi Gong and Tai Chi. And the reason I decided to comment on this thread is because from my experiences, I've learned that when we are deeply wounded, afterwards we usually have two core choices that will have drastic implications on our life:

1) Become an angry, hateful person, possibly seeking out to abuse others as we were abused.

2) We learn the lesson of compassion, and learn that life is the greatest gift of all, and do everything we can do avoid hurting anyone or anything.

I consider myself blessed for having chosen the second choice above, and I'm not sure if I would have wanted to be in a relationship during my healing process (I was single the entire time, actually). And today, I'm recently recovering from several new life altering events, and in the same fashion, I ultimately learned that I needed to stay single because I honestly didn't feel together enough to be in any type of romantic relationship.

However, I'm a big believer in exceptions...perhaps an honest, heart centered relationship could help us heal and let go of anger, if we were willing to heal, of course. I can't speak from experience, but I do certainly believe that it's possible.

But one thing I have learned is that while a person heals, a scar will always remain, and I have in the past attracted abusive women who seem to be drawn to the remains of my older wounds, but thankfully I've been able to see the pattern and correct it before losing too much of myself. In one such situation, the girlfriend I had wouldn't stop the abusive behavior, and seemed completely resistant to fostering a loving connection. And from the very moment I told her we were done, a great weight lifted from me...and within just one day, the world never looked so beautiful.

Afterwards, I learned that I'd rather be single the rest of my life than to ever be trapped in relationship with an angry, abusive and hate filled person again. Life is too short to hurt, but long enough to love... :)

Renata,

I want to jump in here and sympathize with you, as well as with your love. I support and agree with Linda's words, and am going to explore a couple of the resources she mentions. Her stressing of the reality of each of us being responsible for our own stuff (emotions, growth, willingness and ability to change) is right on the money, and speaks directly to the fears you express. His anger is his own, and is NOT caused by anything you do or say, walking on eggshells is not a comfortable way to exist.

My main relation to your post comes from my own dance with death. I, too, have many health issues. Five years ago, at the ripe old age of 34, I had a heart attack, underwent emergency bypass surgery, which was botched, my lungs collapsed, I spent a month in ICU on life support fighting my way back. My whole life changed. IT REALLY PISSED ME OFF. More than that, it really SCARED me, and my anger gave me the strength and power to divert the overwhelming fear, but at what cost?

It has been a long and wonderful road, learning and growing out of that place, but one that would have taken much longer alone. There is allot to be said for the right professional therapist, support group, healing work, etc, for in that context, the reflection and healing can take place. I'm sure there may be a path through interpersonal relationship that may help as well, yet I'm left with a feeling that the intimacy of a coupling is better suited toward joyous growth and sharing, rather than the deep internal struggling that accompanied my own lessons in dealing with my fear and mortality.

Keep your own center, be at peace, and best wishes!

Royce