Sebastopol Status Updates

  • By Cami Courtright
  • Sonoma West Times & News
Our columnist gleaned these Sebastopol gems from her social media.

Sittin’ ‘outside Funk ‘n’ Flash playing my geetar when this dude comes up, tries to give me some money, then shows me his sri yantra [mystical diagram]. Tells me how it’s a gateway to Archangel Metratron and that our paths will cross again. So you know, a typical day in Sebastopol.

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POST: I like to play a game every time I go to Sebastopol. It’s called “Count how many white dudes walk into traffic/in front of my car without looking.” They never stop or look back. They just mosey on like they own the world. Seriously. Loads of them, all ages. Every single time. It’s almost like a video game, just way more obnoxious.

COMMENTS:
• White chicks too! Belly dancing through the streets.
• Extra points if they have dreadlocks.
• So many mornings, back when we lived in Sebastopol when I'd be rushing to get to work and stop for some breakfast at Whole Foods and inevitably be slowed down by the zillions of hippies who seemingly had nowhere to be except the Sebastopol Whole Foods allllll day, and no spatial awareness about where their shopping carts/bodies might be.
• Sebastopol Whole Foods is one of the most infuriating places on the planet, unless you just walked out of a restorative yoga class and you’re high and you don’t have anywhere you need to be for the rest of the day....
• In Sebastopol there seems to be an inverse relationship between how present one is with their inner self to how oblivious one is outwardly ....
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Sebastopol: where someone will complain about how much popcorn costs but pay $9 for a loaf of bread.
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Rental interviews in West County: So, you looking to put down roots for a while? We’re a pretty mellow household, wanting the same in a renter along with some stability. Do you wear perfume? Do you cook beef? Do you use only organic cleaning products? Tell me your thoughts on fracking. Are you willing to wear a hat to stay warm because we don't use the heater on account of fracking, naturally. Oh, by the way, think you cannot be here most of the time? That would be great ...
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Does anyone in Sebastopol have a faceted crystal sphere they don’t need? Trying to feng shui my son’s room.
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How about a spiritual program to help spiritual people recover from “spirituality”?
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On a thread: “Conscious Roommate Wanted.” I can never decide whether that sets the bar too high or too low.
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POST: Sebastopol’s feng shui is jacked.

COMMENTS:
• It’s not really Sebastopol’s fault. It was just a small apple farmers’ town and then all the people happened.
• No it’s mercury retrograde — it'll be over soon!

• Has Mercury been in retrograde for 10 years?
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If I hear one more person who drives a nice Prius tell me they’re broke I’m going to lose it.
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The friendly, mild-mannered Analy post-Waldorf type of kid. Very chill, you know the type.
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West county variations on OMG:
• OHM M G
• Oh my goddess!
• Oh my Ganesh!
• Oh my Lakshmi!
• Oh my gong!
Cami Courtright is the author of Sebastoblog, which can be found at sebastopolgal.blogpost.com.