Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (F.A)

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large
purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle
past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it
snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the
aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore,
where's my
whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the
parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides
to
get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't
drag your sorry
ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment
she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency
door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for
someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

Doggone-it, Lorrie! You've done it again. Made me laugh so loud I'd peed in my pants looking at my flat screen. Now where's that damn carpet cleaner! Doggone-it, Lorrie, that's funnier than a Moose's Ass on a Monday! Where's my damn rifle...I'm gonna go shoot something, I feel so good!

Hey , there's no Laughing Pee Smilie on here!!! That's not FAIR!!!!! :hmmm: I'm going back to typing my newsletter!!!

Doggone-it! btw....know any good Terrorist jokes?

Quote:

---

Posted in reply to the post by decterlove:

Doggone-it, Lorrie! You've done it again. Made me laugh so loud I'd peed in my pants looking at my flat screen. Now where's that damn carpet cleaner! Doggone-it, Lorrie, that's funnier than a Moose's Ass on a Monday! Where's my damn rifle...I'm gonna go shoot something, I feel so good!

Hey , there's no Laughing Pee Smilie on here!!! That's not FAIR!!!!! :hmmm: I'm going back to typing my newsletter!!!

Doggone-it! btw....know any good Terrorist jokes?

---

Not that there could possibly be anything funny about terrorist...all I can say is not yet...soon as one gets delivered in my in box I will post just for you Dector!

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!"

Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth"?

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar said, "Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007."

BIG PEOPLE WORDS


A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always

Reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?


'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.


Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?


'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.


'What book did you read?'


Alex thought real hard about it,

Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

'Winnie the SHIT'

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And some times the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs.Smith fainted!!

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'

The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.

If you are confused about it all please see this web-site..
The answers here will make it all right!
https://www.boardofmisdirectors.com/index.htm


Oh, please don't take it seriously...

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan ... I told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive atruck. :idea:

:thanks:
:Thanks:
:tiphat:

INSTALLING A HUSBAND Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many favorite and valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 Personal Attention 6.5 Servitude 4.4 Open Wallet 8.0 Then installed undesirable programs such as: Rugby 6.0 Football 7.0 Racing 8.1 Golf 4.1. Playboy 2.2 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate DEAR DESPERATE, First, keep in mind, > Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package > Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very dire program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program, it is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We highly recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. This should help. Tech Support

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department storelooking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotivedepartment and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.


She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"


He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

:wink:

Facts of Humans:
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men reading this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

The nun asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

The nun answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

The nun responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! ...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember fairies are female....
:fairy::fairy::fairy::fairy::fairy:

Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 500000000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two sheep.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

A Woman in Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot...

While she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet that she fell in love with.

When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked him, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs three hundred dollars."

"My goodness! That sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Hey! Mary...You wanna screw for that hinge?"


Mary replied, while playing with the handles on the tap...

"No, but I will for the faucet!"
:biglaugh:

HD doesn't have a manager, only mismanagement
HD doesn't have a backroom, only shelves.
HD screws everybody, just line up

Quote:

---

Posted in reply to the post by Lorrie:

A Woman in Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot...

While she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet that she fell in love with.

When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked him, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs three hundred dollars."

"My goodness! That sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Hey! Mary...You wanna screw for that hinge?"


Mary replied, while playing with the handles on the tap...

"No, but I will for the faucet!"
:biglaugh:

---

>HD doesn't have a manager, only mismanagement.

Not so. You need to have a pretty complex management structure to achieve that level of mismanagement. It takes a professional. Otherwise, who's to stand in the way of an evolution toward common sense?

For the rest of it, no argument here.

-Conrad

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955
Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.
Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Ø Be happy to see him.
Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.
Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Ø A good wife always knows her place.

---

What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."

---

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

---

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.