Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.



At 1:00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”


“‘I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”


“Wow!” he exclaimed. “That’s a great idea!”


“‘Good,” she replied, “Get your own fucking blanket.”


After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Yes, Yes, I Understand Why The Guy Did Not Kiss The Frog. One Cannot Blame Him........:thumbsup:

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Posted in reply to the post by Lorrie:

:frogtoung::fishfromboat::frogtoung:
A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

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Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Yesterday, I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pets, Shane and Codette, I was in the checkout line, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear, and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

As a Parent, I often wonder if I taught my son & daughter everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life.

You know what I mean . .. . . .don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But you know I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice. Lets face it, if my son or daughter ever tried this totally idiotic stunt I would figure they are way too stupid to make it in this world anyway......!

Never . . .

Ever . . .

Ever . . .
Put a FIRECRACKER
in your ass and light it.

.
.
.
.
.
.

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

BUT IT IS KINDA FUNNY:

Subject: Fame has its price...

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue.

Michelle Obama got the same offer . . . from National Geographic.

;))

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Posted in reply to the post by Lorrie:

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

...

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No, you shouldn't have. Bad bad Lorrie.

It's Hustler, BTW, that offers celebrities the million bucks.

Funny, I was just wondering last night if Hustler had contacted Ms. Palin yet.

-Jeff

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Posted in reply to the post by Braggi:

Funny, I was just wondering last night if Hustler had contacted Ms. Palin yet.

-Jeff

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What else were you wondering last night, while perusing your Hustler........

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

:policeman:

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

:tiphat:

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,

:mime:

someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

:hello:

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5 o'clock...'

:balloons:

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'


As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

:drink4:

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

:drink4:

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

:Ball kicker:

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

:JIB:

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

:aplan:

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So, she continued upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me", the woman exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,014 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for
computer problems.

https://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i...image001-1.jpg
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie de tector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

ANOTHER DAY IN CALIFORNIA
https://www.probush.com/treehug3.gif

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a gentleman tourist came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.


Seeing this tourist inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"


"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


"You've gotta be kiddin' me."


"No. Would you like to give it a try?"


Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the heck happened to you?"


He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,


"This just ain't gonna be your day............cupcake..."

Now after doing some research on that "tree hugger" picture, I found this website.
It is very very sad and funny at the same time.
I think if you want a good political laugh you should check it out sometime...

ProBush.com "You're with us or you're with the enemy."
There are alot of traitors in the world. Can they all be wrong?
Some people can be soooo passionate about stuff.... giggle.

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Posted in reply to the post by Lorrie:

Now after doing some research on that "tree hugger" picture, I found this website.
It is very very sad and funny at the same time.
I think if you want a good political laugh you should check it out sometime...

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Wow, it almost reads like a spoof site. Looks like something from the Borowitz Report or The Onion. These people are actually serious. Sheesh.

-Jeff

This joke is racist, and you should not have posted it. We know these jokes and thoughts circulate, but I would never perpetuate them. It wasn't even a little funny.

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Posted in reply to the post by Lorrie:

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

BUT IT IS KINDA FUNNY:

Subject: Fame has its price...

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue.

Michelle Obama got the same offer . . . from National Geographic.

;))

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Oh but you are wrong... it is a little funny. I laughed (a little) is a bad joke I said that. It is in the "Censored & Un-Censored" catagory if you can't handle that don't come here.
I am glad you got to say your peace. But still it's just a joke...you don't have to read it ya know.
I am glad you are not perpetuating them...
That makes it available for me to.
Everybody underneath to any certain individual they judge - when they judge-is predjudice, or racist, or whatever...

You have judged this joke. And this joke like all jokes is simply making fun, and does not literally apply.
If anyone else find this one sooooooo offensive then tell me I will remove it. No problem. But then I am censored...good thing I posted these in this catagory huh?

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Posted in reply to the post by bakerchic:

This joke is racist, and you should not have posted it. We know these jokes and thoughts circulate, but I would never perpetuate them. It wasn't even a little funny.

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OLD FOLK JOKES https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007...NP_228x340.jpg SERENITY We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us... We had to stay up all night lighting them! Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I get winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license! As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was." My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. "I'm ninety-two years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief'.

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.