Posted in reply to the post by ubaru:
Someguy, your response made me crack up.
I've had to take some time to know the best way to handle being put on the spot with pointed questions. It was challenging in a good way. I asked myself what kind of community do I need and want to foster here? Here's what came to mind.
I had the unique experience of being raised a Christian Scientist. Although I emotionally left the religion when I was 16, I did retain the best of it--metaphysics and ethics. Part of that experience included living in a Christian Science community where strong ethics were an integral part of the experience.
One of the ethics we lived by was called the Mathew code. It was used for whenever you had an issue with someone else in the community. Step 1 of the Mathew code is going for working it out with that person privately. If that doesn't work Step 2 is taking it to a leader in the community. What happened on this post of asking pointed personal questions, and making a public accusation about another person never happened, and is beyond the boundaries of the code.
I thought I'd share this with the Wacco community to encourage an increased level of respect and honor in the way we treat each other. Because in this way if anyone falters in their behavior, the community is there not to judge, but to lovingly lift them back up like a good friend, coach, or mentor would, pointing them back to their inherent goodness. This creates inclusiveness and a sense of belonging with grace.
I also want to make a distinction between the needs of men and the needs of women in community. What I described is what makes a woman feel secure and safe. Women, at the most instinctual cave woman level, need to feel connection and inclusion which comes by agreeing with each other to feel safe.
Men, at the most instinctual level, need to feel respected and honored to feel safe or they won't be invited to hunt the big game, and will be left to hunting rabbits on their own. Men also express who they are and what they value through their opinions. But we women receive your opinions as judgement and it makes us feel separation, not connection. And if you're a cave woman, and your kinswoman are not sharing with you where the berry markers are, and your tribe is kicking you out into the night with the lions, you're not safe. Connection created by agreement makes women feel safe.
Have you ever noticed who participates in debates on Wacco? It's the men. It's almost never women. As soon as debates get going in a thread, I generally leave the conversation, because I get tension in my body and instinctually feel my safety is threatened. I have to have a victory of my human spirit, which takes some doing, to stay when my instincts tell me I'm not safe. When the debating gets going there's no longer agreement which is what makes women feel connected and safe. But men feel totally at ease debating each other. It's what they are wired to do. So when I hear men debate, and I'm purposefully going for a victory of my human spirit, I make myself listen for their values.
Or if I can make one more distinction I'm also referring to the masculine and feminine in each of us. We all have both.
So regarding what I said above about the Mathew code, living with that level of ethics is an incredible experience because the huge level of safety allows all sorts of creativity to come forth. It's very rich and folks can move through many levels of transformation and greater coherence when they feel that safe.
And I also think one has to take into consideration who they are talking to and adjust their communication to match the person they are communicating with. Male, female, thoughtful introvert, or out there extrovert who can relate well to being publicly hazed.
What I need in community when someone wants to ask me a personal question is to be asked privately. And yes, what I do here is a labor of love.
Peace,
Liz:waccosun:
