PerryCare from the Borowitz Report

A Letter from Rick Perry

Introducing PerryCare™


Dear American,

For the last few weeks I’ve been under constant attack. My opponents would have you believe that if I’m elected, you’ll be stripped of your Social Security benefits and will be scrounging for food in dumpsters with all the desperation of a feral cat.

Of course, that’s true. But what they don’t tell you is what I’d replace Social Security with: an amazing new program I like to call PerryCare™.

Under PerryCare™, you’ll receive all the food, clothing and shelter you need, and it won’t cost a dime in taxes. How if that possible? Simple: you’ll be praying for all those things.

As a PerryCare™ recipient, each week you’ll receive in your email box a PerryCare™ PrayerMail™, giving you an easy-to-recite prayer for the bread, milk, cat food or whatever else you need to survive. It’s like a Groupon from God.

PerryCare™ is more than a replacement for that infernal Ponzi scheme that has bamboozled Americans with regular monthly checks for 75 years. It is part of my larger plan to return prayer to its rightful place in American life. I get down on my knees every night and I promise you, if I am elected your President, I will bring this entire country to its knees.

I expect that some of my opponents will laugh at my plan, especially that lawn gnome Ron Paul and Michele “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann. Fine, let them laugh! Laughter is the best medicine. And if I am elected, there will be no other medicine.

That brings me to my PerryCare™ medical plan, which will replace Medicare once I consign that Ponzi scheme to the electric chair of history. I don’t have enough time to go into the whole plan right now, but here it is in two words: single prayer.

Your next President,

Gov. Rick Perry