A friend i want

A girl thats been my friend for a number of years ive started to develop feelings for her. we get along well, we talk about ANYTHING, from politics to pornography. hehe. Anyhow, she has a boyfriend who lives in america and he has cheated on her. but shes stuck by him. I don't know why, i never asked. The guy seems to be kind of selfish as she waits up nights to talk to him online and he doesnt show up as often as you think a committed person would.
She's tired every day, a) because she stays up b) she can't sleep anyway because shes stressed, anxious and c) she doesnt have much to do at home, that may not seem like a reason but it is.
I know i could make her happy, she always comes to me if she needs a bit of comfort, shes quite small compared to me but we kinda just fit when she wants a hug or something. We have the best conversations, but she doesnt come online to talk to anyone other than her boyfriend much, except on myspace. which i don't have.

I just want to know how i could be with her. I have a strong feeling a relationship between us could work out, for quite a while, if not indefinately.
I don't know exactly how i could do what i want to do though.

by the way i don't know if this matter at all but she smells incredibly good to me. and i cannot smell anyone other than myself usually.

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

We have the best conversations, but she doesnt come online to talk to anyone other than her boyfriend much, except on myspace. which i don't have.

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I am confused. I _think_ you are saying that you could talk to her if you were on myspace, but you 'don't have' myspace so you can't talk to her.

If that is true than you are, I can't really sugar coat it, sort of an idiot. Unless you are subject to an evil sys admin who is blocking myspace _you can_ create your own myspace account, and it is free.

So for f**ks sake, create a myspace account and talk with her.

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Posted in reply to the post by PeriodThree:

I am confused. I _think_ you are saying that you could talk to her if you were on myspace, but you 'don't have' myspace so you can't talk to her.

If that is true than you are, I can't really sugar coat it, sort of an idiot. Unless you are subject to an evil sys admin who is blocking myspace _you can_ create your own myspace account, and it is free.

So for f**ks sake, create a myspace account and talk with her.

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No i do talk to her, online, occasionally, but she doesnt come on that much with windows messenger. besides i used to have an account it was too much work for something like that. but i was thinking bout it.

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

No i do talk to her, online, occasionally, but she doesnt come on that much with windows messenger. besides i used to have an account it was too much work for something like that. but i was thinking bout it.

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Huh? WTF are you saying? it was 'too much work for something like that?'
What was too much work? Having a myspace account?

I am pretty sure that she is online on forums where you could, if you wished, be, but it is too much work for you.

What am I missing?

I was going to reply in private to this;however, I feel it is more enlightening to bring my insight out to the open. Maybe you will get better advice this way from someone else after they read what I ask of you, and read your response.

First. A lot of red flags popped up after I read your post and profile. I am not saying you aren't genuine in your pursuit(s), but that there are some things that sounded alarms in my head. Secondly, you wrote this leaving in big holes, so I am going to have to make assumptions.Pardon me for this.

The red flags that I got are first, you have been friends with this person for many years, but they have a man. You two talk about politics and pornography. Maybe she feels safe because you two do not hang out much or at all. Is this a friend overseas as well? If she too lives overseas (i.e. in the states). If this is the case, then I can see why you assume you two are friends. She is open to talking too you cause there is little or no chance she will ever meet you.

Politics is seldom a romantic conversation unless you are a protester or a budding politician. Even the most conscious of women would rather talk about natures of the heart, than politics.

Pornography is usually only a hot topic if your talking to a sexually liberated person or repressed if you are talking against it. It is usually not a conversation that mixed partners talk about unless they want to have sex with you, or already are intimately involved with you.

I will not cast aspersions on this girl;however, she seems to not be a woman, since she stands by this man who ignores her and treats her like crap. Do you want a girl, or a woman? If she lives near you, then why hasn't she gotten the hint yet. You need to tell her how you feel;however, it is probably too late. You should move on, work on your issues, and find someone close by that shares your mindset. Open yourself up to loving people as opposed to loving one person. That starts by loving yourself.

Now I know love is not logical;however, why are you so infatuated with someone who you feel it is to much work to contact via Myspace? Why is that too much work? Why if you are from another country are you asking advice from us Sonoma, Marin, and the here Napa folk?

You have to ask yourself these questions seeing as you like Psychology so much as it says in your profile. If you know psychology, you'd know you're not capable of changing ones mind, only to be able to make an inciting case. You do this for yourself, never for your prospective partner. If your case goes unheard and you did it for yourself, then no harm, no foul;however, if your case goes unheard and you did it for her, then there is a big injustice.

I hope your feelings did not develop because she was cheated upon? That was like when I fell back in love with a woman because she was diagnosed with cancer. It is great to support someone in a time of crisis, but another thing entirely to be Sir Galahad.Being Sir Galahad is a sacrifice, not love. I know this the hard way, and I'm still picking up the pieces.

I can only assume the reasons you chose this forum. Maybe, your friend lives here and hope she reads this? Maybe you thought strangers from a strange land might have better insight and that this was on the top of the search engines results. Maybe you met Rev.Edward Viljoen at one of his retreats, knew he lives in S.R. and hoped he would give you advice? I do not know why you chose us, but isn't it serendipitous that you are getting real honest answers so soon?

You seem like a good fellow, but you have many questions you need to ask yourself and ask your friend. Why is this girl your friend? Are you chasing after her because you love her or are you trying to save her? Are you trying to become American, or get her to move to you? Are you man enough to do what it takes, and man enough to handle the potential rejection? Are you man enough to ruin your friendship to try and have it be more? Now you have some real thinking to do. Do you want her after asking these questions?

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

A girl thats been my friend for a number of years ive started to develop feelings for her. we get along well, we talk about ANYTHING, from politics to pornography. hehe. Anyhow, she has a boyfriend who lives in america and he has cheated on her. but shes stuck by him. I don't know why, i never asked. The guy seems to be kind of selfish as she waits up nights to talk to him online and he doesnt show up as often as you think a committed person would.
She's tired every day, a) because she stays up b) she can't sleep anyway because shes stressed, anxious and c) she doesnt have much to do at home, that may not seem like a reason but it is.
I know i could make her happy, she always comes to me if she needs a bit of comfort, shes quite small compared to me but we kinda just fit when she wants a hug or something. We have the best conversations, but she doesnt come online to talk to anyone other than her boyfriend much, except on myspace. which i don't have.

I just want to know how i could be with her. I have a strong feeling a relationship between us could work out, for quite a while, if not indefinately.
I don't know exactly how i could do what i want to do though.

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Haupmann; where do you live?

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

by the way i don't know if this matter at all but she smells incredibly good to me. and i cannot smell anyone other than myself usually.

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YOU don't smell too good to me!
I think you are trying to do a social experiment, and you just got yourself an F.
Please make your story more realistic next time, that way you don't have to prey on vulnerable people who are sincerely trying to help you.

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Reply to Yubajeff
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Oh no oh no I am Soooo there!!!!!!

ok for starters this is for real. i am studying to be a psychologist in Uni.
(im not in uni yet ok). I live in australia, and she also does.
and the whole politics TO pornography was meant to be an example of the range of topics we speak on.
No i didn't fall for her when she was cheated on. and i only started falling for her within a few months.
She's a girl and a woman at the same time.
and as far as i know theres never been any direct bad treatment of her. more indirect.
as far as hanging out goes we hang out a lot, during a normal week id say in school about 3-4 hours a day and not at school id say maybe 3 too.

Well then ask her out silly.

I'd work on my grammar if I were you, though. Especially if you are going to the university soon.

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

ok for starters this is for real. i am studying to be a psychologist in Uni.
(im not in uni yet ok). I live in australia, and she also does.
and the whole politics TO pornography was meant to be an example of the range of topics we speak on.
No i didn't fall for her when she was cheated on. and i only started falling for her within a few months.
She's a girl and a woman at the same time.
and as far as i know theres never been any direct bad treatment of her. more indirect.
as far as hanging out goes we hang out a lot, during a normal week id say in school about 3-4 hours a day and not at school id say maybe 3 too.

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i am studying to be a psychologist in Uni.
(im not in uni yet ok). I live in australia, and she also does.
and the whole politics TO pornography was meant to be an example of the range of topics we speak on, we talk about art, clothes, war, it doesnt matter, theres a billion things we may talk about. she just enjoys conversation in general, shes a smart cookie and she likes more contravertial topics as well as conventional ones. hell we talked about spongebob squarepants.
No i didn't fall for her when she was cheated on. and i only started falling for her within a few months. she was cheated on around...halfway through last year, thereabouts.
She's a girl and a woman at the same time. It's hard to explain but she is fairly independant, thinks for herself and she is mature. usually...sometimes shes so bloody random you got no idea what shes going to come up with.
and as far as i know theres never been any direct bad treatment of her. more indirect.
as far as hanging out goes we hang out a lot, during a normal week id say in school about 3-4 hours a day and not at school id say maybe 3 too.
As for it being too late or not, i'd say it isnt, thats just my opinion though. because at the end of this year shes going to make her way to america, either a trip or shes going to go to uni there.
She wants to go to the same uni as i do, here.
She's also developed real signs of stress and fatigue which worries me.
Anyhow thanks for your input and you made some good points i will think on. at least you didnt go "WTF man? just do it!".
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Posted in reply to the post by NorseViking869:

I was going to reply in private to this;however, I feel it is more enlightening to bring my insight out to the open. Maybe you will get better advice this way from someone else after they read what I ask of you, and read your response.

First. A lot of red flags popped up after I read your post and profile. I am not saying you aren't genuine in your pursuit(s), but that there are some things that sounded alarms in my head. Secondly, you wrote this leaving in big holes, so I am going to have to make assumptions.Pardon me for this.

The red flags that I got are first, you have been friends with this person for many years, but they have a man. You two talk about politics and pornography. Maybe she feels safe because you two do not hang out much or at all. Is this a friend overseas as well? If she too lives overseas (i.e. in the states). If this is the case, then I can see why you assume you two are friends. She is open to talking too you cause there is little or no chance she will ever meet you.

Politics is seldom a romantic conversation unless you are a protester or a budding politician. Even the most conscious of women would rather talk about natures of the heart, than politics.

Pornography is usually only a hot topic if your talking to a sexually liberated person or repressed if you are talking against it. It is usually not a conversation that mixed partners talk about unless they want to have sex with you, or already are intimately involved with you.

I will not cast aspersions on this girl;however, she seems to not be a woman, since she stands by this man who ignores her and treats her like crap. Do you want a girl, or a woman? If she lives near you, then why hasn't she gotten the hint yet. You need to tell her how you feel;however, it is probably too late. You should move on, work on your issues, and find someone close by that shares your mindset. Open yourself up to loving people as opposed to loving one person. That starts by loving yourself.

Now I know love is not logical;however, why are you so infatuated with someone who you feel it is to much work to contact via Myspace? Why is that too much work? Why if you are from another country are you asking advice from us Sonoma, Marin, and the here Napa folk?

You have to ask yourself these questions seeing as you like Psychology so much as it says in your profile. If you know psychology, you'd know you're not capable of changing ones mind, only to be able to make an inciting case. You do this for yourself, never for your prospective partner. If your case goes unheard and you did it for yourself, then no harm, no foul;however, if your case goes unheard and you did it for her, then there is a big injustice.

I hope your feelings did not develop because she was cheated upon? That was like when I fell back in love with a woman because she was diagnosed with cancer. It is great to support someone in a time of crisis, but another thing entirely to be Sir Galahad.Being Sir Galahad is a sacrifice, not love. I know this the hard way, and I'm still picking up the pieces.

I can only assume the reasons you chose this forum. Maybe, your friend lives here and hope she reads this? Maybe you thought strangers from a strange land might have better insight and that this was on the top of the search engines results. Maybe you met Rev.Edward Viljoen at one of his retreats, knew he lives in S.R. and hoped he would give you advice? I do not know why you chose us, but isn't it serendipitous that you are getting real honest answers so soon?

You seem like a good fellow, but you have many questions you need to ask yourself and ask your friend. Why is this girl your friend? Are you chasing after her because you love her or are you trying to save her? Are you trying to become American, or get her to move to you? Are you man enough to do what it takes, and man enough to handle the potential rejection? Are you man enough to ruin your friendship to try and have it be more? Now you have some real thinking to do. Do you want her after asking these questions?

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Yes you should just ask her out. What do you have to lose?

well possibly her as a friend, or at least, as good a friend as she is now. i would if i thought there was at least a 70ish% chance she'd say yes

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Posted in reply to the post by NorseViking869:

Yes you should just ask her out. What do you have to lose?

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And that is the "RUB" or so they say? If you like her that much, and were confident in yourself, it wouldn't matter. Women love confident men. If you believe your going to fail, then you are either by lack of trying, or trying too hard not to fail. Be honest. If she rejects you and your confident, you could become better friends. It is you and how you deal that decides if you two will remain friends.

If you truly want her as a lover, tell her so. Be brave, be honest. Do not over play it and be overtly romantic. Just tell her how you feel. Maybe she thinks you aren't interested since you never asked? If you lost her as a friend because you ask her out, was she really a friend to begin with?

Just be yourself. Be there for her and let her know you appreciate the friendship, but you want to take it to another level. If she says no, then just be her friend (if you can accept her as only a friend afterwords). If you don't ask, she will never, ever, say yes!

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

well possibly her as a friend, or at least, as good a friend as she is now. i would if i thought there was at least a 70ish% chance she'd say yes

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i donno what rub means but its the fact that she already has a boyfriend that gives me pause. you could be completely right. also i know the whole confidence thing. youre right that she would never say yes if i dont ask. Also part of the thing is my guy friends say i like her. i dont think they actually know what im thinking but like we give eachother hugs, and backrubs and stuff, and they just say that to bust me.

The boyfriend part of the only real reason i have not asked her out though. I don't believe in just, forgive me for lack of a better term, taking what i want. I want to have her unattached.
BUT! i could probably live with her not being unattached. But i need the right time. which i think should be on her birthday, which is coming up soon.

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Posted in reply to the post by NorseViking869:

And that is the "RUB" or so they say? If you like her that much, and were confident in yourself, it wouldn't matter. Women love confident men. If you believe your going to fail, then you are either by lack of trying, or trying too hard not to fail. Be honest. If she rejects you and your confident, you could become better friends. It is you and how you deal that decides if you two will remain friends.

If you truly want her as a lover, tell her so. Be brave, be honest. Do not over play it and be overtly romantic. Just tell her how you feel. Maybe she thinks you aren't interested since you never asked? If you lost her as a friend because you ask her out, was she really a friend to begin with?

Just be yourself. Be there for her and let her know you appreciate the friendship, but you want to take it to another level. If she says no, then just be her friend (if you can accept her as only a friend afterwords). If you don't ask, she will never, ever, say yes!

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

i donno what rub means

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What is your native language, Haupmann?

The rub is an expression. It is similar to being in a rock and a hard place. You want something, but wont do what is needed to get there. You want a woman, but wont pursue it. Ever think she might have the overseas boy friend cause you never made your move? Ever think she has the overseas boy friernd to have a reason to move to the states? I'd ask her out and see if she feels the same way. Do not pussyfoot around. Just tell her.

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Posted in reply to the post by NorseViking869:

And that is the "RUB" or so they say? If you like her that much, and were confident in yourself, it wouldn't matter. Women love confident men. If you believe your going to fail, then you are either by lack of trying, or trying too hard not to fail. Be honest. If she rejects you and your confident, you could become better friends. It is you and how you deal that decides if you two will remain friends.

If you truly want her as a lover, tell her so. Be brave, be honest. Do not over play it and be overtly romantic. Just tell her how you feel. Maybe she thinks you aren't interested since you never asked? If you lost her as a friend because you ask her out, was she really a friend to begin with?

Just be yourself. Be there for her and let her know you appreciate the friendship, but you want to take it to another level. If she says no, then just be her friend (if you can accept her as only a friend afterwords). If you don't ask, she will never, ever, say yes!

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I am australian, my native language is english...
anyhow vikingdude, im quite certain he is the only reason she wants to go over there.
as for not wasting time she is like in love with him, i say, 'like' because im not convinced she is, havn't been for some time.

Well then ask her how does she feel about him? then ask how does she feel about you, then tell her no matter what she says, this is how I feel...

nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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Posted in reply to the post by Haupmann:

I am australian, my native language is english...
anyhow vikingdude, im quite certain he is the only reason she wants to go over there.
as for not wasting time she is like in love with him, i say, 'like' because im not convinced she is, havn't been for some time.

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dude. thats like, perfect. thanks for that, i think this topic is closed now. i thank you.

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Posted in reply to the post by NorseViking869:

Well then ask her how does she feel about him? then ask how does she feel about you, then tell her no matter what she says, this is how I feel...

nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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