Ninja Moves to Neutralize Uninvited Male Attention

While sexual harassment was such a focus of discussion and media, I came across this excellent post by Geralyn Gendreau on Facebook a few days ago, where she addresses how to deal with uninvited attention, a minor, but related issue. I thought it was worthy to share here (with her permission). I'll be interested to hear what you think of it.

Barry


Ninja Moves to Neutralize Uninvited Male Attention
By Geralyn Gendreau

I've been living in a female body for a number of decades and have always felt that being a woman is a distinct advantage. Men do not, as a matter of course, treat me badly, nor do they assume a superior, dismissive, or otherwise unsavory stance. It would be easy to attribute this to the blond-haired, blue-eyed babe factor, although that case would be hard to make for any number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that I was quite overweight from age 24 to 36 and not what anyone would call a "babe.”

The simple truth is: I love men. I love masculine energy. I love the way men’s minds work. I love masculine power, focus, and creativity. I admire how capable and tenacious men can be. I am in awe of their engineering ability, and I count on their nearly obsessive need to build and fix things. I have tremendous respect for a ton of men I know personally, and for another ton of men I've never met. What’s more, I love male attention, even revel in it. Openly.

I suspect the reason I’m able to love and openly revel in male attention is that I’ve learned to deal with UNWANTED attention in a manner that turns the dynamic around.

My secret weapon is not my black belt in Taekwondo & Hapkido. In reality, after four years of serious martial arts training, I could break a board with my fist and throw a mean spin crescent kick, but actual self-defense? Not hardly. It simply wasn’t part of the curriculum. (Although that Hapkido wristlock did come in handy on one memorable occasion, but that’s another story.)

So how do I neutralize male attention that is uninvited or intrusive? It depends. Sometimes I use a cloaking device. Sometimes I put up my deflector shields. Sometimes I put on my secret decoder ring. And sometimes I take a lead from Calvin & Hobbs and TRANSMOGRIFY the crap out of that chit.

Before I illustrate how these turnaround moves work, I want to go on record and assure anyone who might take offense at my approach that none is intended. I am talking about everyday, on-the-street unwanted attention, not sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or rape—crimes that are, by order of magnitude, far more injurious. Other than the two relatively mild instances of sexual harassment I described in my recent posts, I have no experience and no expertise to offer. What I do have to offer is a feminine heart that goes out to women everywhere whose dignity has been insulted by the pervasive blindness that allows ignorance and sexual oppression to continue. Godspeed to our collective healing.

Back to my secret weapons.

First, let’s talk about the cloaking device. As the name implies, it’s all about invisibility. Not my invisibility, mind you, HIS. Here’s how it works. If I’m walking down the street and a man speaks to me in a way that feels disrespectful or grabby, I will ignore it completely and, in so doing, make him invisible to me. In other words, I throw the cloaking device over him—SHAZAM!—and go on my merry way without missing a beat.

If a man’s attention is flavored with appreciation but is still unwanted, I put up my deflector shields. I simply nod and say thank you as if he were my personal valet opening my car door. This deflects the energy and effectively neutralizes the attempt to sexualize me with a flip attitude that says, “I’m above it all,” or, in more crass terms, “Dude. You don’t have a chance.”

Here’s the key to the success of both the cloaking device and the deflector shield: I do not reveal any emotion whatsoever. I know, I know, it’s not so easy when you want to scowl at the guy or cuss him out. But to put an end to the behavior, remaining neutral and non-reactive is essential. To react is to reinforce the behavior. After all, negative attention is better than no attention. We’re talking animal behavior 101.

Now let’s talk TRANSMOGRIFICATION. This is when you take one thing and turn it into something else. Transmogrify is basically a fanciful, multisyllabic word for SHIFT. When you truly shift the energy, you can turn what might have been construed as an offense into a compliment.

Here’s how that goes. He whistles. I feel objectified. But I know enough about how realities are generated to know that “objectified” is coming from inside my mind, not from some definitive truth. I even go so far as to consider that maybe, just maybe, the man’s whistle is simply an expression that says: “I like what I see.” Then I recall that many a trusted man-friend has told me exactly that (once they felt safe to say what they really think). Then I relax and remember that men are hopelessly visual, that they aren’t so much turning us women into objects as expressing their appreciation of feminine beauty. With that perspective in mind, I can do a reframe and shift my thinking. I can receive the appreciation and, using the reality-making power of my mind, receive the gift of his compliment and even allow it to energize me. Voila! No more crap. Blessed be.

Then there’s my secret decoder ring. But before I go further, I want you to know that you have a secret decoder ring, too. It’s basic equipment. Standard issue. Part of the package. Our inner nature. Everyone has a secret decoder ring, and everyone has a choice whether to use it or not.

All that said, imagine this scene. I drive into the parking lot at Good Earth Grocery and get out of my car. Straightaway, I hear a familiar sound: some guy is jackhammering the sidewalk. He’s busting up a chunk of concrete right near the front of the store. I start walking across the parking lot, protecting my ears with my hands as best I can. I’m about 20 yards from the entrance to the store when he shuts the damn thing off for a moment, pulls off his helmet, wipes his brow, notices me as I walk by and whistles. I pull out my secret decoder ring (metaphorically speaking, this whole translation actually happens lightening fast). I tune into the meaning of his whistle. It’s clear straightaway: what he’s really doing is simply ASKING TO BE SEEN. Now that I know that, I have all the power. Or, more accurately, I retain situational sovereignty, which means not a smidgen of negative energy can enter my field. I am free to simply smile and make a very brief human connection. I might even go so far as to admire his sidewalk handiwork and go back to musing about the savory delights that await me on the hot bar today.

Not to be trite, but this really is a case of “no harm, no foul.” I mean, let’s face it: guys get a little lift when acknowledged by a woman, so why not let ‘em have it? And while we’re at it, let’s take another male-fact into account: they get an even a bigger lift when admired by a woman. I say: let ‘em have that too!