How to Survive The Holidays After the Election
Author of The Liberal's Guide to Conservatives reveals steps for not blowing it, by focusing on the relationship.
Local author and activist J. Scott Wagner provides three options for succeeding with relatives, friends, and co-workers after the election, as pent-up stress can explode unhealthily, just when we should be enjoying and appreciating each other. Mr. Wagner has just published The Liberal's Guide To Conservatives, which explores the five primary sciences that explain the genetic and cultural differences between liberals and conservatives.
"Liberals focused on Donald Trump's behavior during the election, which combined with his policy ideas to make him look like the worst candidate for President possible. But many Americans are so tired of business as usual in politics, and angry about the downward spiral of much of America's economy, that they were willing to overlook his faults, and hope for a strong leader to find a way out of these problems. Whether they were right or not to elect Donald Trump, their concerns are very reasonable. With people important to us, we can honor their good intentions, without needing to focus on what we think is misguided. This isn't dishonest; it just acknowledges that the world is complicated, and that reasonable, good people can disagree greatly about how to run America."
Option 1: If the people involved are very hurt, or angry, or if some are usually intense or rude, consider avoiding talking politics completely for the near-term. If it comes up, make a generous joke at your own expense, and change the subject. While this sounds weak or immoral to some dedicated partisans, it can be the best way for some of us to make clear to our loved ones or associates that our relationship is too important to let politics affect it. If need be, you can ask clearly to not talk politics say that everyone cares deeply about America's future, and that everyone around the table is appreciated far beyond their political views. Then, follow that up by being sincerely kind, generous, and interested in the lives of those you disagree with, so the point is brought home clearly.
"Nothing you say to your uncle will change our national energy policy, or Planned Parenthood's budget. The book I just published helps people talk successfully when feelings run high, but without skill and training, the best choice is often to not try."
Option 2: Stick to political common ground. Liberals can do this in many ways. It could be as simple as saying that there are many parts of the Trump platform they agree with, or go into detail. Liberals share many of the hopes of Trump's voters. Trump has said he wants to:
spend heavily on fixing our infrastructure;
have states decide marijuana rules, not the federal government;
eliminate trade deals liberals have hated for decades;
keep "popular" parts of the Affordable Care Act;
avoid wars like Iraq and Libya;
make college affordable for all Americans;
reduce corruption, or make politics less of an insider's game; and
improve the lot of small-town America, as well as our inner cities.
"It's healthy to express shared hopes with those you disagree with, as long as you leave out the horrors you think might happen. Talking about the positive sides of the platform allows a brief conversation about politics with relatively polite people, and it shows we're well-meaning and trying to be positive. It won't satisfy real dedicated ideologues, who will want to veer into what we all disagree about, so you may have to revert to changing the subject, or even be clear that you don't want to keep going. Even if that happens, your goodwill has been clear, and it will make a difference in the future."
Option 3: Sometimes a painful conversation shouldn't be avoided, because the situation is already causing problems, or we all feel too strongly about it to stay quiet. Even in those cases, we need to not let political abstractions hurt how we feel about one another. While that can be hard, it's not at all impossible. The main secret: to listen more than we share, without interrupting, especially at the beginning.
"My friend Liz Joyner has been guiding tough conversations for years as the head of America's most successful ideological communication organization. She offers a mildly scripted way to put relationships first after the election: '19 Questions to Ask Loved Ones Who Voted the Other Way'. The specific questions aren't as important as the spirit of the effort: to find out how the other person feels, what their hopes are, and to check in about your relationship so that it stays good. As Liz always recommends, don't jump right into it catch up first. Offer the benefit of the doubt, and always remember that the other person has good intentions."
Mr. Wagner claims that fully 95% of the conversational problems liberals have with conservatives individually, particularly about politics, are preventable with some education and practice. "We run right to talking about good and evil to explain problems we have, when the real answers are usually found in our different situations, culture, media, personality, a half-dozen biases, and a few other sciences."
Whatever option is right for your group, it's entirely possible to have the very best holiday ever, despite a recent bitter election fight, through a little preparation and remembering to keep it about our relationships.
_______________
J. Scott Wagner has degrees in sociology and business from SUNY Albany and U.C. Berkeley, with additional graduate research in sociology and psychology. A ex-Naval officer, Mr. Wagner is the former owner of the live music venue The Inn of the Beginning in Cotati, CA, as well as a vegetarian, triathlete, certified project manager and management consultant. Active locally in police and land use issues, his writings appear intermittently in local media. He is available for interviews, presentations, and articles to promote the stories and research in The Liberal's Guide to Conservatives; contact jim(at sign)jerniganmedia.com.
