Why does Starbucks hate you?
by Mark Morford-SFGate.com on March 15, 2016 at 5:07 PM
Springtime! Tastes like... goop
Taste the springtime! And then regret the hell out of it.
Amazingly, the headline that made me cringe the most this week had nothing to do with Donald Trump, or the election cycle, or “
8 Things We Really Hope Go Down in Princess Diaries 3” – though that one
did kill a few million kittens, merely by existing.No, the worst was a twee, humanity-destroying little PR blurb from the shameless trolls at Starbucks HQ, reprinted nearly verbatim by the exceedingly bored crew at Mashable because who has time to give a damn anymore, really?
“Starbucks rings in spring with Cherry Blossom Frappucino,” the headline actually read, as the gods of all human sadness did not strike Starbucks’ PR agency dead on the spot for spewing words that were as sweet as newly fallen sunshine and twice as loaded with colon-curdling lies.
Springtime! Time for yet another sickening liquid candy bar from the folks that brought you the Red Velvet Cake, the Cotton Candy, the Cinnamon Roll, the Caramel Cluster Clump, the
Chestnut Praline Latte, the Rainbow Colon Stab and the
This is Why You’re Fat and Sick All the Time and Will Probably Need to Go to the Emergency Room Very Very Soon.
What, too harsh? Not even. Everyone knows Starbucks, regardless of how awesome and wonderful they are to their employees, hasn’t been anything like a real coffee house for years. Their “regular” house coffee, if you’re desperate enough to order it, is
world-class terrible, requiring two or three shots of espresso just to taste like actual coffee, which it never does. Verily, Starbucks is to real coffee what a Hallmark card is to messy oral sex, what Diet Mountain Dew is to premium flake cocaine.
Continues here.
