Random thoughts on getting older

Random thoughts on getting older…

· Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes;
come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller

· Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

·· I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

· I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!

· Old age is coming at a really bad time!

· When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ...
now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

· The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

· Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I can.. and the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

· I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

· My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

· Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

· If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

· The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please.
I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

· I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

· I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.
Not sure what I'll do the second week.

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

· Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound .

· Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna
transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

· Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

· Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

· Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

· At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.