Ask Linda Returns! ~ The Benefits of Unavailable Men

Ask Linda Returns! ~ The Benefits of Unavailable Men
by Linda Herman as told to Bella Stolz

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After a long hiatus, I have decided to start up the “Ask Linda” column again! The format is the same - send in your questions regarding any type of relationship, any type of question, and I will do my best to answer. The difference is I will now write a monthly topical column instead of posting the individual question/answers. When I did this previously, many people sent questions which I answered, but they were not willing to allow me to post the dialog anonymously. There was a lot of great food for thought in the questions and answers. So that is why this time I will turn the questions into columns. (I will still answer individual questions personally).

One very popular theme that came up over and over again since I started this conscious relationship forum in 2006 was about unavailable men. The inquiries ranged from "Why are there so many" to "How can I pick them out and avoid them" to “How can I change him” or “Should I wait for him to become available ?” (“He said he’d leave his wife”). Admittedly, the majority of these questions came from females asking about the opposite sex but that's not to say that “unavailable women” don't exist, but that's another article entirely. Here we’re discussing unavailable men.

I've had my share of being with unavailable men (why I was will be another column) and I learned a lot from those years and am very grateful for the experiences. It’s why I feel “qualified” to write on the topic.

First let's define unavailable, since again there are different ways that men can be unavailable. There is the man who is emotionally unable or unwilling to express emotions or share intimacy ie emotionally unavailable. There is also the ever popular married/committed and unavailable for a mutually exclusive relationship man. Then there are men that just want to see you Friday night with no strings attached for whatever reason: wife, girlfriend, too busy, gay in “real life” or you name it. Boys that just want to have fun, and girls should too!

There are lots of reasons (not good, not bad) that someone is unavailable but none of those reasons are of concern here. What is our concern is what's in it for you! I've been in many a “friends with benefits” and lover relationships and they worked for me because my focus was on getting my needs met. Remember that I am not your typical female here and that has served me well. (This is all pre-Barry by the way and I hope to share my journey into a committed marriage at some point.) But alas, for now I want to share with you some of the benefits of dating someone unavailable, from my experience.

The overriding benefit of being in relationship with someone who is unavailable is it affords the opportunity to practice key relationship skills. How’s that, you ask? Well, the first thing one needs to get when in a relationship of this nature (or any relationship) is true acceptance. He is not available, period. Are you dealing with this reality or do you think that someday he will come around and leave his wife/want to make you his wife/profess his love for you/make you his #1 priority (Many of the questions I received were of this flavor. Should I hang around? Can I trust what he’s telling me?) All you know is what’s real in the here and now, and can you accept what is so. Anything else is crazy-making. True acceptance of what is real in all relationships is a critical relationship skill to hone.

How many times have we heard "he has so much potential!" Or you think of the guy as a”project”. Or the usual, “I’ll be happy when he….” or the ever popular “the relationship will work when he…” Only to watch time and again that he doesn't change. In turn, you feel disappointed and frustrated, saying this always happens to me. Well, acceptance goes a long way here. Overlooking things we shouldn’t, hoping for something to be different, and living in the delusion is the path to suffering. There is no amount of wishing that will make him into the man he could be or you want him to be, and that's not playing fair. And honestly, it takes practice to accept things the way they are, right now. It's challenging to accept people and situations for who they are but when you do, you are on your way to unconditional love. So let’s practice!

This brings us to the next relationship muscle called “Ask for what you want”…what do you have to lose? Are you being true to yourself? That's right, you should only stay in this type of relationship because it does something for you and it’s on your terms. Meaning, the sex is great, he adores you, is respectful, you only have fun when with him (No drama!) and he doesn’t leave a mess…or whatever your thing is. Otherwise, why bother? Why not communicate your needs? Again, this is a universal relationship skill - how to ask for what you want. (all in the context of this relationship). If you were with an available man, you need to do this too. So start now, practice with someone who you really have nothing to lose with. How liberating to learn to have things on your terms.

And if they’re not met, just say No! It’s just as empowering to say No to what’s not working as to get what you want. Don’t like that midnight bootie call - just say No. Or that’s the only time it works for you - then that’s what happens.

In my situation, I was clear with my lovers that I had only Friday night free to get together for dinner and sex. I didn't want to get phone calls in the middle of the week or be a support system when he and his wife/girlfriend argued, just Friday night. It was just what I needed after a busy week work and raising my kids, my window for Linda time to do with what I pleased. I wanted great sex without any commitment. And I got it. If it wasn’t great, or they got needy, they were excused.

What are you needing or wanting but afraid to ask? Think of this as going to the relationship gym, building the muscle that looks out for your needs and communicates them in a respectful way. I'm not suggesting that you will get what you want every time you ask, there may be negotiating or compromising involved but you always get to decide what works for you and what doesn't. This prepares you for being comfortable communicating and honoring your needs for when Mr. Available does comes along.

Now just to be very clear here - if your need is to have a committed relationship with this person, take care of yourself by getting out of the relationship, not by asking for that because that is not what’s real and possible. It MAY become possible, but until then, don’t be wishing on that. Either just enjoy yourself or get out.

Lastly, make all this an experiment where you are really learning and growing in who you are. Make it all about you. Because it is. If you are seeing someone who doesn't show up for you the way he says he will, how can you stand in your truth. Maybe that means letting go of that relationship. So many people have trouble letting go of relationships that don’t serve them. (which is another column entirely).This can be one of the opportunities to practice that! How can you have more fun, joy and great sex in your life? How can you expand your capacity for acceptance for yourself and others? Where do you hold back in relationships? Maybe you have a pattern that you want to overcome and Mr. Unavailable is the perfect guy to help you learn and move on?

You've heard of the saying “like attracts like” and all intimate relationships can be one of the most powerful teachers when we make it all about ourselves, not the other person. These, which are not about commitment other than commitment to yourself can be great learning experiences to try out who YOU want to be in relationship.

I look forward to hearing from you, about this topic and others. So please send in your questions!