The Pain of Exclusion

[Sara S]

from delancyplace.com:

In today's excerpt - our need to matter and our need to belong are as fundamental
as our need to eat and breathe. Therefore ostracism - rejection, silence, exclusion
- is one of the most powerful punishments that one person can inflict on another.
Brain scans have shown that this rejection is actually experienced as physical pain,
and that this pain is experienced whether those that reject us are close friends
or family or total strangers, and whether the act is overt exclusion or merely
looking away. Most typically, ostracism causes us to act to be included again -
to belong again - although not necessarily with the same group:


"Studies reveal that even subtle, artificial or ostensibly unimportant exclusion
can lead to strong emotional reactions. A strong reaction makes sense when your
spouse's family or close circle of friends rejects or shuns you, because these
people are important to you. It is more surprising that important instances of being
barred are not necessary for intense feelings of rejection to emerge. We can feel
awful even after people we have never met simply look the other way.
"This reaction serves a function: it warns us that something is wrong, that there
exists a serious threat to our social and psychological well-being. Psychologists
Roy Baumeister of Florida State University and Mark Leary of Duke University had
argued in a 1995 article that belonging to a group was a need - not a desire or
preference - and, when thwarted, leads to psychological and physical illness. Meanwhile
other researchers have hypothesized that belonging, self-esteem, a sense of control
over your life and a belief that existence is meaningful constitute four fundamental
psychological needs that we must meet to function as social individuals. ...
"Ostracism uniquely threatens all these needs. Even in a verbal or physical altercation,
individuals are still connected. Total exclusion, however, severs all bonds. Social
rejection also deals a uniquely harsh blow to self-esteem, because it implies wrongdoing.
Worse, the imposed silence forces us to ruminate, generating self-deprecating thoughts
in our search for an explanation. The forced isolation also makes us feet helpless:
you can fight back, but no one will respond. Finally, ostracism makes our very existence
feel less meaningful because this type of rejection makes us
feel invisible and unimportant. The magnitude of the emotional impact of ostracism
even makes evolutionary sense. After all, social exclusion interferes not only with
reproductive success but also with survival. People who do not belong are not included
in collaborations necessary to obtain and share food and also lack protection against
enemies.
"In fact, the emotional fallout is so poignant that the brain registers it as physical
pain. ... As soon as [we begin] to feel ostracized, [brain] scanners register a
flurry of activity in [our] dorsal anterior cingulate cortex - a brain region associated
with the emotional aspects of physical pain. ...
"For most people, ostracism usually engenders a concerted effort to be included
again, though not necessarily by the group that shunned us. We do this by agreeing
with, mimicking, obeying or cooperating with others. In our 2000 study, for example,
Cheung and Choi asked participants to perform a perceptual task in which they had
to memorize a simple shape such as a triangle and correctly identify the shape within
a more complex figure. Before they made their decision, we flashed the supposed
answers of other participants on the screen. Those who had been previously ostracized
... were more likely than included players to give the same answers as the majority
of participants, even though the majority was always wrong. Those who had been excluded
wanted to fit in, even if that meant ignoring their own better judgment.
"Although personality seems to have no influence on our immediate reactions to ostracism,
character traits do affect how quickly we recover from it and how we cope with the
experience. ... People who are socially anxious tend to ruminate or are prone to
depression take longer to recover from ostracism than other people do."

Author: Kipling D. Williams
Title: "The Pain of Exclusion"
Publisher: Scientific American Mind
Date: January/February 2011
Pages: 30-37
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CSummer]

What is missing here for me is that we can react to perceived exclusion with pain whether or not we are actually being excluded. The unmet needs - conscious or unconscious - that we carry with us into relationships and social settings can have a very strong influence on what we perceive and on how we respond internally. My concern is that someone reading this might be overly concerned about how another person feels if they happen to turn away from them at what might be a less than ideal moment.

> "Studies reveal that even subtle, artificial or ostensibly unimportant exclusion can lead to strong emotional reactions.

Yes, all kinds of things can bring up strong and difficult feelings within us. This doesn't mean the person(s) we're responding to "made" us feel those things. It's simply what came up inside us - how we responded. If we came into the situation with true self-esteem, confidence and an unshakable sense of personal worth, we might perceive someone else's rejection as being more about them than about us and respond with sadness or compassion.

On the other hand, these are needs that have not been well met for many of us. If we're interested in building real community and opportunities for healing and growth, it could be very useful for us to consider what kind of psychological environments we're creating when we come together in groups (or relationships) for mutual caring and support. Are they environments in which everyone could experience these important emotional needs being met (acceptance, respect, being included and valued, etc.)? Quality attention and attitudes of welcome and caring can do a lot toward creating such an environment. We can't make anyone feel accepted, wanted and valued if they strongly believe they are worthless or unacceptable, but we can create environments in which people are more likely to experience these needs being met (especially by having experiences that fly in the face of these negative - and probably unconscious - beliefs).


from delancyplace.com:

"Studies reveal that even subtle, artificial or ostensibly unimportant exclusion
can lead to strong emotional reactions. A strong reaction makes sense when your
spouse's family or close circle of friends rejects or shuns you, because these
people are important to you. It is more surprising that important instances of being
barred are not necessary for intense feelings of rejection to emerge. We can feel
awful even after people we have never met simply look the other way.
"This reaction serves a function: it warns us that something is wrong, that there
exists a serious threat to our social and psychological well-being. Psychologists
Roy Baumeister of Florida State University and Mark Leary of Duke University had
argued in a 1995 article that belonging to a group was a need - not a desire or
preference - and, when thwarted, leads to psychological and physical illness. Meanwhile
other researchers have hypothesized that belonging, self-esteem, a sense of control
over your life and a belief that existence is meaningful constitute four fundamental
psychological needs that we must meet to function as social individuals. ...
"Ostracism uniquely threatens all these needs.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Sara S]

Excellent points you make here, Clint; makes me want to read the book from which the excerpt was taken, to see whether the author also mentioned any of them. I probably won't, though.