wbreitman
06-08-2010, 02:53 PM
An expanded "oldie but goodie"
<DD>I just want to thank all of you</B> for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
<DD>I no longer open a public bathroom door </B>without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
<DD>I can't use the remote in a hotel room </B>because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
<DD>I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread </B>because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..
<DD>I have trouble shaking hands</B> with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
<DD>Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip </B>because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
<DD>I can't touch any woman's purse</B> for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
<DD>I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS </B>to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
<DD>ALSO,</B> now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
<DD>I no longer have any savings</B> because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
<DD>I no longer have any money at all, </B>but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft </B>and AOL</B> are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
<DD>I no longer worry about my soul</B> because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena </B>has granted my every wish.
<DD>I no longer eat KFC</B> because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..
<DD>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants </B>even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
<DD>THANKS TO YOU </B>I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
<DD>BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,</B> I no longer drink Coca Cola because it has cancer causing ingredients AND it can remove toilet stains
<DD>
<DD> I no longer can buy gasoline</B> without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
<DD>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper </B>since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'</B> on their cans.
<DD>I no longer use Saran Wrap</B> in the microwave because it causes cancer.
<DD>AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW </B>I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
<DD>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones </B>because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
<DD>I no longer go to shopping malls </B>because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
<DD>I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex </B>since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
<DD>I no longer shop at Target</B> since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
<DD>I no longer answer the phone</B> because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...
<DD>I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus </B>since I now have their recipe.
<DD>THANKS TO YOU </B>I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
<DD>AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE </B>I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
<DD>I can no longer drive my car</B> because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
<DD>I can't do any gardening</B> because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.<DD> And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.</B>
<DD>
<DD>
<DD> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. t omorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . . </B><DD>AND
</B><DD>Oh, by the way.....</B>
<DD>A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
<DD>Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.</DD>
<DD>I just want to thank all of you</B> for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
<DD>I no longer open a public bathroom door </B>without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
<DD>I can't use the remote in a hotel room </B>because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
<DD>I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread </B>because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..
<DD>I have trouble shaking hands</B> with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).
<DD>Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip </B>because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
<DD>I can't touch any woman's purse</B> for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
<DD>I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS </B>to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
<DD>ALSO,</B> now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
<DD>I no longer have any savings</B> because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
<DD>I no longer have any money at all, </B>but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft </B>and AOL</B> are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
<DD>I no longer worry about my soul</B> because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena </B>has granted my every wish.
<DD>I no longer eat KFC</B> because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..
<DD>I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants </B>even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
<DD>THANKS TO YOU </B>I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
<DD>BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN,</B> I no longer drink Coca Cola because it has cancer causing ingredients AND it can remove toilet stains
<DD>
<DD> I no longer can buy gasoline</B> without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
<DD>I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper </B>since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'</B> on their cans.
<DD>I no longer use Saran Wrap</B> in the microwave because it causes cancer.
<DD>AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW </B>I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.
<DD>I no longer check the coin return on pay phones </B>because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
<DD>I no longer go to shopping malls </B>because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
<DD>I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex </B>since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
<DD>I no longer shop at Target</B> since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
<DD>I no longer answer the phone</B> because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ...
<DD>I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus </B>since I now have their recipe.
<DD>THANKS TO YOU </B>I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
<DD>AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE </B>I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
<DD>I can no longer drive my car</B> because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
<DD>I can't do any gardening</B> because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.<DD> And I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.</B>
<DD>
<DD>
<DD> If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. t omorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . . </B><DD>AND
</B><DD>Oh, by the way.....</B>
<DD>A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
<DD>Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.</DD>