Predictable outcomes or the power to change?

[CSummer]

~ Eknath Easwaran (the late revered meditation teacher) is quoted as having said:
“It takes a lot of experience of life to see why some relationships last and others do not.
But we do not have to wait for a crisis to get an idea of the future of a particular
relationship. Our behavior in little every (sic) incidents tells us a great deal.”

If we are as predictable as Easwaran implies, then we must be powerless to learn, grow,
heal and change from our experiences. But are we?

Close relationships tend to bring up the needs and feelings of our unresolved experiences,
especially those from early in life. What we do when this happens can make the difference
between a relationship that is unfulfilling or dysfunctional (and that has a predictable
outcome) or one that enables learning, growth and healing (resolving of early-life wounds).

Whenever difficult feelings arise, words or actions may result that can be difficult for
someone who is close to us to hear or witness. These feelings, though, are an indication
that there is something unresolved within us that we may have carried with us most of our
lives and that is almost invariably tied to some need that goes back to our earliest
relationships (e.g., those with our parents). When this happens, one option we have is
to find ways to dance around such issues so we can continue the relationship. This option
seems most likely to result in the predictable outcome Easwaran is talking about.

There is another option, though: we can stop where we are and take all the time we
need to look closely at what's arising within us. It requires a commitment to being true
to ourselves and not ignoring or abandoning anything within us that is calling for our
attention. This option also requires that we release any agendas and attachments we may
have to a particular outcome for the relationship. We need to be clear about whether we
want an intimate connection no matter how unfulfilling it might be, or if we want one that
enables us to learn, grow and heal the emotional baggage we carry with us into relationships.
If we choose to put the relationship in a "holding pattern" and not go to deeper levels of
intimacy until the difficult feelings and needs have been completely resolved - and to
proceed only when we feel fully ready, then I believe healing and growth are possible.

The "little incidents" Easwaran referred to can be opportunities for resolving whatever
has arisen that keeps us from seeing the present relationship clearly, without the
distortions of old unmet needs. Then there are the possibilities of greater intimacy
or of changing to a kind of relationship that fits better the whole, conscious beings
we are growing into.

It may be that most relationships are as predictable and doomed to repeat dysfunctional
patterns until they dissolve as Easwaran's words say they are. I believe, though, that
with caring support and a commitment to deal with what arises up front, we can resolve
the wounds we carry within, release the patterns that make our relationships difficult
and create the joyful connections we desire and need.

[lifequest]

Your mention of Easwaren reminded me of a roomate from years ago who was a follower and introduced me to his teachings.

The great spiritual teachers of all faiths encourage us to move beyond our restrictions real or imagined and become a new unlimited being.

In a sense, we are all responsible for our creating our own reality.

I admire the quote attributed to Lily Tomlin - "We're all in this together by ourselves."

[CSummer]

I appreciate your response, lifequest.

> The great spiritual teachers of all faiths encourage us to move beyond our
> restrictions real or imagined and become a new unlimited being.

I can believe they encourage us to do that, but do any of them really show how to do that? From what I've heard, they mostly recommend meditation. And from my experience of that, it is a process in which the mind seeks a nice, pleasant place to put our attention - which is rarely going to be anywhere near our old unmet needs and unexpressed feelings. The mind works hard to keep the unconscious just where it is - in the unconscious, outside of awareness. And the difficult stuff is the last place the mind wants our attention to go when we're seeking to be peaceful.

The dynamics of close relationships don't make it so easy for the mind to stay in the "safe" zone. I think this is - at least in part - because some relationships seem to offer opportunities to heal the old wounds we're carrying, so we want to open ourselves to another person on that deeper (heart) level. We project onto another person the qualities we believe can enable us to feel safe, trusting, accepted, valued, loved, etc. etc. When they do or say something that doesn't seem to fit our projection, difficult feelings come up - anger, shock, fear, even a sense of betrayal.

There is another kind of relationship - the kind most likely to happen among a group that's come together in mutual support - in which I believe there is a real possibility for healing: resolving what is unresolved within us. It does require that we spend considerable time learning and practicing ways of being together that enable us to move beyond our projections so we can really meet and see another person as who they really are. As we allow others to see into us and come to know us as who we are, then we find that - as Carl Rogers said - what is most personal is most general (our deepest needs and feelings are what we share in common with others). And when our pain is met with the acceptance and compassion of others who truly know and see us, then it can enable us to go to that deep level and be with the "self" that is stuck in difficult feelings and unmet needs. We can revisit our past from a new perspective, see a larger picture of what happened to us and begin to release the beliefs that keep us stuck where we are.

This is to some extent theory, and it is based on reflecting on my own experiences. To move beyond the beliefs we formed early in life is to move beyond the restrictions that limit us as adults. To find our way into that place where the beliefs are hidden (the unconscious mind) we need the help of caring others with whom we've built a deep sense of trust and who we sense are solidly with us. Is it possible the gurus of the east had fairly benign childhoods and so don't really understand what those of us who grew up in dysfunctional families and an addictive culture need to become whole beings? If so, I question whether they can help us, and yet I believe we can help each other.

May we find our way - together!












Your mention of Easwaren reminded me of a roomate from years ago who was a follower and introduced me to his teachings.

The great spiritual teachers of all faiths encourage us to move beyond our restrictions real or imagined and become a new unlimited being.

In a sense, we are all responsible for our creating our own reality.

I admire the quote attributed to Lily Tomlin - "We're all in this together by ourselves."