wbreitman
02-05-2009, 03:00 PM
Dear Employee:</PRE>
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p></PRE>
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department</PRE>
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early</PRE>
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the</PRE>
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for</PRE>
Jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. (Survey of</PRE>
Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal</PRE>
With upper management.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following</PRE>
Termination).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,</PRE>
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems</PRE>
appropriate.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early</PRE>
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the</PRE>
company.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees</PRE>
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have</PRE>
Given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE> The Management
:wink::wink:
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p> </o:p></PRE>
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department</PRE>
areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early</PRE>
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the</PRE>
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
This program will be known as SLAP (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for</PRE>
Jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
This review phase of the program will be called SCREW. (Survey of</PRE>
Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal</PRE>
With upper management.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following</PRE>
Termination).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,</PRE>
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems</PRE>
appropriate.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early</PRE>
Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the</PRE>
company.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees</PRE>
through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have</PRE>
Given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE>
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us!</PRE>
<o:p> </o:p></PRE> The Management
:wink::wink: