Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read

[Lorrie]

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The Indian With One Testicle <o:p></o:p>



There once was an Indian who had only one testicle <o:p></o:p>



and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that <o:p></o:p>



name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. <o:p></o:p>



After years and years of torment, Onestone finally <o:p></o:p>



cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone <o:p></o:p>



again I will kill them!' <o:p></o:p>



The word got around and nobody called <o:p></o:p>



him that any more. <o:p></o:p>



Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird <o:p></o:p>



forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He <o:p></o:p>



jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into <o:p></o:p>



the forest where he made love to her all day and <o:p></o:p>



all night. He made love to her all the next day, <o:p></o:p>



until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. <o:p></o:p>



The word got around that Onestone meant what <o:p></o:p>



he promised he would do. Years went by and no <o:p></o:p>



one dared call him by his given name until A woman <o:p></o:p>



named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being <o:p></o:p>



away. Yellow Bird , who was BlueBird's cousin, was <o:p></o:p>



overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him <o:p></o:p>



and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' <o:p></o:p>



Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, <o:p></o:p>



then he made love to her all day, made love to her all <o:p></o:p>



night, made love to her all the next day, made love to <o:p></o:p>



her all the next night, but YellowBird wouldn't die! <o:p></o:p>



https://thegreasygrass.com/fthrbar9aa.gif<o:p></o:p>



Why ??? <o:p></o:p>



https://thegreasygrass.com/fthrbar9aa.gif<o:p></o:p>



OH, come on... take a guess !!! <o:p></o:p>



https://thegreasygrass.com/fthrbar9aa.gif<o:p></o:p>



Think about it !!! <o:p></o:p>



You're going to love this !!! <o:p></o:p>



https://thegreasygrass.com/fthrbar6.gif<o:p></o:p>



Everyone knows... <o:p></o:p>



You can't kill Two Birds <o:p></o:p>



with OneStone !!! <o:p></o:p>



https://thegreasygrass.com/beadbar6.gif<o:p></o:p>




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[Lorrie]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

[Lorrie]

FLIGHT ATTENDANT (F.A)

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large
purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle
past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and
make it
snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the
aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore,
where's my
whiskey? Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the
parrot's drink. Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides
to
get some quick service for himself.

"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't
drag your sorry
ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment
she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency
door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for
someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

[decterlove]

Doggone-it, Lorrie! You've done it again. Made me laugh so loud I'd peed in my pants looking at my flat screen. Now where's that damn carpet cleaner! Doggone-it, Lorrie, that's funnier than a Moose's Ass on a Monday! Where's my damn rifle...I'm gonna go shoot something, I feel so good!

Hey , there's no Laughing Pee Smilie on here!!! That's not FAIR!!!!! :hmmm: I'm going back to typing my newsletter!!!

Doggone-it! btw....know any good Terrorist jokes?

[Lorrie]

Doggone-it, Lorrie! You've done it again. Made me laugh so loud I'd peed in my pants looking at my flat screen. Now where's that damn carpet cleaner! Doggone-it, Lorrie, that's funnier than a Moose's Ass on a Monday! Where's my damn rifle...I'm gonna go shoot something, I feel so good!

Hey , there's no Laughing Pee Smilie on here!!! That's not FAIR!!!!! :hmmm: I'm going back to typing my newsletter!!!

Doggone-it! btw....know any good Terrorist jokes?


Not that there could possibly be anything funny about terrorist...all I can say is not yet...soon as one gets delivered in my in box I will post just for you Dector!

[Lorrie]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said, 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!"

Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth"?

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians,"
"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar said, "Al Gore to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to
the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
"Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're f**ked!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was George Bush, Iraq, 2007."

[Lorrie]

BIG PEOPLE WORDS


A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always

Reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?


'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.


Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?


'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.


'What book did you read?'


Alex thought real hard about it,




Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,




'Winnie the SHIT'

[Lorrie]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'. After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And some times the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'


Mrs.Smith fainted!!

[Lorrie]

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.

The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?'

Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'
The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'.

Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?'

Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'.

Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.

Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?'

The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?'

Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'.

The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself'. Grandma made these for me'.

[Lorrie]

If you are confused about it all please see this web-site..
The answers here will make it all right!
https://www.boardofmisdirectors.com/index.htm (https://www.boardofmisdirectors.com/index.htm)


Oh, please don't take it seriously...

[Lorrie]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="MARGIN-LEFT: 21pt" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable style="MARGIN-LEFT: 6.75pt; WIDTH: 93.1%; MARGIN-RIGHT: 6.75pt" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="93%" align=left border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" width="100%">I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' call center in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Pakistan</st1:place></st1:country-region> ...<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>



I told them I was suicidal.<o:p></o:p>






They got all excited and asked if I could drive atruck. :idea:<o:p></o:p>


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[Lorrie]

:thanks:
:Thanks:
:tiphat:

[Lorrie]

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many favorite and valuable programs, such as:
Romance 9.5
Personal Attention 6.5
Servitude 4.4
Open Wallet 8.0

Then installed undesirable programs such as:
Rugby 6.0
Football 7.0
Racing 8.1
Golf 4.1.
Playboy 2.2

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
> Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package
> Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very dire program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program, it is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We highly recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

This should help.

Tech Support




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[Lorrie]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department storelooking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotivedepartment and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

[Lorrie]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.


She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"


He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[Lorrie]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

:wink:

[Lorrie]

Facts of Humans:
The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.
It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Men reading this are probably still busy checking their thumbs....<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

[Lorrie]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

The nun asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

The nun answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

The nun responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!

[Lorrie]

40 years of marriage

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband!'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! -two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

'I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! ...the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards
should remember fairies are female....
:fairy::fairy::fairy::fairy::fairy:

[Lorrie]

Economic Models explained with Cows - 2008 update


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 500000000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two sheep.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

[Lorrie]

A Woman in Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot...

While she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet that she fell in love with.

When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked him, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs three hundred dollars."

"My goodness! That sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Hey! Mary...You wanna screw for that hinge?"


Mary replied, while playing with the handles on the tap...




"No, but I will for the faucet!"
:biglaugh:

[MsTerry]

HD doesn't have a manager, only mismanagement
HD doesn't have a backroom, only shelves.
HD screws everybody, just line up


A Woman in Home Depot

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.

At Home Depot...

While she was waiting for Walt the manager to finish waiting on a customer, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet that she fell in love with.

When Walt was finished with the customer, Mary asked him, "How much for that faucet?"

Walt replied, "That's pewter and it costs three hundred dollars."

"My goodness! That sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.

Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled, "Hey! Mary...You wanna screw for that hinge?"


Mary replied, while playing with the handles on the tap...




"No, but I will for the faucet!"
:biglaugh:

[theindependenteye]

>HD doesn't have a manager, only mismanagement.

Not so. You need to have a pretty complex management structure to achieve that level of mismanagement. It takes a professional. Otherwise, who's to stand in the way of an evolution toward common sense?

For the rest of it, no argument here.

-Conrad

[Lorrie]

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

[Lorrie]

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

[Lorrie]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[Lorrie]

After his divorce Mr. Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

[Lorrie]

"The good wife's guide" This is an actual article from the Housekeeping Monthly Magazine 13 May 1955
Ø Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Ø Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Ø Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Ø Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Ø Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then tables.
Ø Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Ø Prepare the childrens. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Ø Be happy to see him.
Ø Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Ø Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first-remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Ø Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Ø Your goal: to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself.
Ø Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Ø Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as a minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Ø Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Ø Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Ø Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Ø A good wife always knows her place.
<HR color=#000000 noShade SIZE=1>What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? Answer: "Lazy."
<HR color=#000000 noShade SIZE=1>Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
<HR color=#000000 noShade SIZE=1>

[Lorrie]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."

[Lorrie]

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

[decterlove]

Where do you come up with this stuff, Lorrie? No, no....don't tell me but let me take a wild guess just for the _______ of it.

Do you have a little round fecund statue of a female deity who specializes in humor? Do you lite a candle for her each night and in the morning, find a joke on your pillow?

Whatever it is.......I like it. Here's a homegrown that I may have posted before but what the hell...live dangerously. I'm beginning to wonder if you might be my missing girlfriend in this piece...

Short Women with Big Wits

I once dated a woman who had an extraordinary sense of wit. She was very petite, but pound per pound, I think she was at least 100 times wittier than Paula Poundstone.

She was so funny, in fact, all the time, non-stop, almost 24 hours a day, that I began to suspect she actually burned calories making her various satiric comments. Her wit was not merely a highly acerbic activity, but a highly aerobic one too!

(Think Robin Williams, in drag and on steroids, only prettier, and not as muscular or hairy, drinking Triple Expresso Lattes, and scarfing Penguin Caffeinated Chocolate Mints!)

I mean when we woke up in the middle of the night to pee or something, she would start cracking so many jokes that it was very hard for both of us to get back to sleep. We'd get laughing so hard we would actually fall off the bed, and after regaining our composure and getting back on top of the mattress, we'd wind up falling off again! Bruise City, I'm tellin' ya! Dating her was like an Extreme sport!

It became slightly troubling to me at times, though, and I should have known that there would ultimately be a terrible price to pay for all these free jokes we were enjoying. She couldn't stop joking! She was like a joke-aholic! She lived to joke rather than joked to live! She was no longer in control of her own humor! HER HUMOR CONTROLLED HER!

Alarmingly, she actually started losing weight from the intensity with which she practised and memorized each new joke she wrote! Pretty soon this very pretty little witty woman became a very witty itty bitty little bitty itty pretty witty woman! She shrank vertically as well, as so much of her life force was now wholly devoted to this all consuming passion and purpose in her life! It negatively impacted our sex life too, of course. Every time we would start making out, well you know, she would start making jokes!

Finally one night after she had reached nearly LILLIPUTIAN proportions, I woke up in bed and I could hear her cracking jokes and laughing very loudly, especially for such a now ultra-super-petite-sized woman, who at this point was much smaller than your average-sized store bought Barbie doll. But I could no longer find her in the bed! Jumping up, I tossed all the sheets aside, searched inside the pillow cases, and in the duvet cover, and even under the mattress, and I still couldn't find her anywhere! I could hear her fading hysterical laughter though, and soft mutterings to herself. Something about a priest and a rabbi going into a bar! It was eerie!

I never saw her again after that but I did hear some neighbors laughing loudly down the street one evening a few weeks later, and have always wondered if they were laughing at her, or with her, perhaps, or just at That Seventies Show.

I still dearly miss all the fun times we had together, but I am SOOOOOOO DONE WITH FUNNY WOMEN!!!!!!

Now I'm looking for a woman WHO'S NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER EVEN ONCE, GIGGLED IN HER WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Know any totally hot babes that can keep a straight face through an onslaught of BRAND NEW Polish jokes??

Cheers.


UCLA Study
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

[Lorrie]

It is as the title reads...
"Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read"

If they email I will post!:thumbsup:




Where do you come up with this stuff, Lorrie? No, no....don't tell me but let me take a wild guess just for the _______ of it.

Do you have a little round fecund statue of a female deity who specializes in humor? Do you lite a candle for her each night and in the morning, find a joke on your pillow?

Whatever it is.......I like it. Here's a homegrown that I may have posted before but what the hell...live dangerously. I'm beginning to wonder if you might be my missing girlfriend in this piece...

Short Women with Big Wits

I once dated a woman who had an extraordinary sense of wit. She was very petite, but pound per pound, I think she was at least 100 times wittier than Paula Poundstone.

She was so funny, in fact, all the time, non-stop, almost 24 hours a day, that I began to suspect she actually burned calories making her various satiric comments. Her wit was not merely a highly acerbic activity, but a highly aerobic one too!

(Think Robin Williams, in drag and on steroids, only prettier, and not as muscular or hairy, drinking Triple Expresso Lattes, and scarfing Penguin Caffeinated Chocolate Mints!)

I mean when we woke up in the middle of the night to pee or something, she would start cracking so many jokes that it was very hard for both of us to get back to sleep. We'd get laughing so hard we would actually fall off the bed, and after regaining our composure and getting back on top of the mattress, we'd wind up falling off again! Bruise City, I'm tellin' ya! Dating her was like an Extreme sport!

It became slightly troubling to me at times, though, and I should have known that there would ultimately be a terrible price to pay for all these free jokes we were enjoying. She couldn't stop joking! She was like a joke-aholic! She lived to joke rather than joked to live! She was no longer in control of her own humor! HER HUMOR CONTROLLED HER!

Alarmingly, she actually started losing weight from the intensity with which she practised and memorized each new joke she wrote! Pretty soon this very pretty little witty woman became a very witty itty bitty little bitty itty pretty witty woman! She shrank vertically as well, as so much of her life force was now wholly devoted to this all consuming passion and purpose in her life! It negatively impacted our sex life too, of course. Every time we would start making out, well you know, she would start making jokes!

Finally one night after she had reached nearly LILLIPUTIAN proportions, I woke up in bed and I could hear her cracking jokes and laughing very loudly, especially for such a now ultra-super-petite-sized woman, who at this point was much smaller than your average-sized store bought Barbie doll. But I could no longer find her in the bed! Jumping up, I tossed all the sheets aside, searched inside the pillow cases, and in the duvet cover, and even under the mattress, and I still couldn't find her anywhere! I could hear her fading hysterical laughter though, and soft mutterings to herself. Something about a priest and a rabbi going into a bar! It was eerie!

I never saw her again after that but I did hear some neighbors laughing loudly down the street one evening a few weeks later, and have always wondered if they were laughing at her, or with her, perhaps, or just at That Seventies Show.

I still dearly miss all the fun times we had together, but I am SOOOOOOO DONE WITH FUNNY WOMEN!!!!!!

Now I'm looking for a woman WHO'S NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER EVEN ONCE, GIGGLED IN HER WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Know any totally hot babes that can keep a straight face through an onslaught of BRAND NEW Polish jokes??

Cheers.

[Lorrie]

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.


:copcar:



When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shriner Circus and didn't want to be late.

:swami:


The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.


The driver told the trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.


:policeman:


The trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.


The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.


:juggle:


While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.



A drunk, good old boy, from SC, got out and watched the performance briefly.


He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.


The trooper observed him doing this,went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

:drink4:


The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test.'

:thumbsup:

[Lorrie]

NOTE FROM LORRIE: You've all probably seen these at one time or another in you email box.
I have a very dear friend in Oklahoma She is a kick in the ass funny!
Anyway she got this from her sister. I thought her answers were hillarious so I thought you'd all enjoy too!
I have not changed anything from email to this post!
Directions!
Here Is What You Are Supposed To Do...
Please Do Not Spoil TheFun!
Hit Forward, Delete My Answers And Type In Your Answers.
Then Send This To A Whole Bunch Of People That You Know...And Send It Back To Me So I Can See Your Answers.

Theory Is That You Will Learn A Lot Of Little Known Facts About Those You Know.


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER anyone

No

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
what day is this?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
yeah but I'm not in love with it

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH Meat?
pimento cheese

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

Oh geez! I knew there was something I forgot to do.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
What is this a trick question?
If I was another person there would be no me to be friends with.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT
Ha! what do you think

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS

Who made this questionnaire up?
Who asks their friends if they still have their tonsils? Is that a decision maker on friendship? Next they're gonna wanna know about my appendix, and my uterus and my wisdom teeth.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
maybe, maybe not

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL

Total, once a day every day.

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I don't wear shoes.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
Strong, but not strong enough.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla.
It's made with milk from contented cows that live in Brenham, Texas.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
Up til now their face but from now on I'm going to start looking to see if they have their tonsils or not.

15. RED OR PINK?
Red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm hard on myself

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My Mother

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
No

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
blue jeans and barefoot

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE
chocolate cake

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
election results
Yes We Can!!!

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
homemade bread and something else I can't mention here.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
A truck driver from Moscow, Kansas on his way to Optima, Oklahoma.
Are you starting to worry about me yet?

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?

well of course, what do you expect me to say when I'm supposed to send this back to them. LOL

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Don't watch sports

27. HAIR COLOR?
brown with gray highlights.
It's the natural look.

28. EYE COLOR?
green

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
no


30. FAVORITE FOOD?
biscuits and gravy

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS.
happy endings


32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Decision at Sundown with Randolph Scott

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
white with green stripes


34. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Winter

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kisses, the ones with almonds in them.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
homemade chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven with a cup of cold milk to dunk them in.


37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
nobody

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPond .
anybody

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I don't know how to read



40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A mouse , duh!!!!!!!!!!! lol. mouse droppings .

I agree, Duh! is right. I'll go with his answer on this one. Another trick question.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T. V. LAST NIGHT?
I can't remember that far back I have CRS disease (Can't Remember Shit)

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
a can of cold beer being opened up.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Elvis

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Mars. I was abducted by aliens late one night on a country road.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I've survived the last 54 years.
Does that count?

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
My Mom always told me they found me in a cabbage patch.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
The aliens from Mars.

[Lorrie]

:football:


FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE......





Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!




Football FINALLY makes sense...........


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.


'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'


Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'



I'm like...Helloooooooooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!

[Lorrie]

We are in trouble...










The population of this country is 300 million.






160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.


Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.


Leaving 15 million to do the work.


2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.


Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.


Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.


At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.


Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.


Now, there are 1 ,211,998 people in prisons.


That leaves just two people to do the work.


You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.


Nice, Real nice.

[Lorrie]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.


"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"



"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

:heart:


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

[Lorrie]

A professor at the University of Montana was giving a lecture on Involuntary Muscular Contrations to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly......

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while your're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies!"

The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[Lorrie]

BOY AND BASEBALL
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again"

[Lorrie]

Well this is a little late as I have been away from my email through thanksgiving...But it is still funny!!


A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and creamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.


Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."


John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,


"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Lorrie]

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2008

1.. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership.
He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ' Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

[Lorrie]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>


He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!' <o:p></o:p>


'The cop asked, 'What's he like?' <o:p></o:p>




The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,




'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits.'






:thumbsup:<o:p></o:p>

[Lorrie]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water or lime slices in my Corona without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
Nor can I sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me,and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes orfeathers.

I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually&n bsp; Al Qaeda in disguise.

I won't shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica,Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 14,000 people in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....and a safe New Year!

Oh, by the way.....A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

[Lorrie]

We all need a stripper name. See what your stripper name will be, and share it with your friends.

We all need a little stress-reliever! This only takes a minute.

(I, Lorrie's Stripper Name
or maybe I will just make it my new name is: SUGAR VELVET KISS!!) SO TRUE...


Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break it up. And if we are honest, we have a lot more stressful days than not.
Here is yet another dose of humor.......

Follow the instructions to find your new name.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Pinky
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixie
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitzy
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooters
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = storm
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

Now when/if you SEND THIS ON...use your new name as the subject.

[Lorrie]

THE TOY FACTORY TEST


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory. She reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."


"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Lorrie]

Butt Measurements funny haha
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:


"Your butt is getting really big. I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."



With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband. And continued working.


Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks..................


She answers:
"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for that little weenie?"
:bbq:

[Lorrie]

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER



You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...


Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.


Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'


About a week later , Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'


Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
______________________________________________________________________


Dear Mom,


I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.
But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Love, Brian
______________________________________________________________________


Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
______________________________________________________________________


Dear Son,


I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.


Love, Mom


LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!!

[Lorrie]

They were flying on a Southwest Airlines flight when a little boy (who had been looking out the window of the airplane) turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son he should go ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant. The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, 'I saw you talking with your mom. Did your mom tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'yes she did.'

'Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have her explain that to you.'

[Lorrie]

Don't Fart in Bed

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of Farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out, then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bow l where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back prettygood.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him, "what was the matter."

He said, "Honey, you were right, all these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you.'

'What do you mean?' asked his wife.

'Well, you always told me that one day I would end up Farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. :thumbsup:

[Lorrie]

<TABLE style="FONT-SIZE: 10pt; WIDTH: 100%; COLOR: #373e68; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana, Arial, sans-serif; BACKGROUND-COLOR: #f0f7fd" height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" background=cid:[email protected] border=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>THE REAL CHRISTMAS STORY........

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

So, frustrated, :santa1:Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider :drink4:and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully,
"Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you.

Where would you like me to stick it?"

.....And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...:xmastree:


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Lorrie]

BLACK PANTIES


Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago.

Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, they hit it off amazingly. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont...

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.
There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied,


"I Want to offer you my deepest condolences."

[Lorrie]

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that PreMenstral Syndrome is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt...

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.



SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, right?

[Lorrie]

How to turn a man off
1. Ask him, “Do you think I am fat?”. Repeat at least seven times per day.
2. Insist that he wear only the clothes you buy for him. Especially chenille sweaters. Lovely.
3. Take him with you to buy new couch pillows. Spend eight hours choosing the perfect ones. Decide in the checkout line you’d rather buy new curtains. Return home empty handed.
4. Question his taste in friends at least twice a week.
5. Sigh. Disgustedly. Often.
6. Look lovingly at him and ask, “What are you thinking about?”
7. Expect his response to be, “You, dear. Only you.”
8. Assume he knows why you are angry.
9. When he asks what is wrong with you, say, “Nothing.”
10. At least once a week, during prime time television, tell him you’d like to talk about your “feelings”.
11. Tell your friends every detail of your marriage. Tell your man what your friends said.
12. Always assume that unless you tell him to do something, he will not do what needs to be done.
13. Call him Pumpkin, Sugar Daddy, or Big Boy in front of his friends and co-workers.
14. Tell his boss that he’s really a big softie and cried during Titanic.
15. Talk about your “cycle”.
16. Obsess over all his ex-girlfriends.
17. Talk about the kids during foreplay.
18. Take EVERYTHING personally.
19. Don’t shave your legs.
20. Force him to attend a couple’s shower.
21. When he’s watching the game - ask, “Is this the only thing on tv tonight?”
22. Ask him if he wants to have a fifth child.:wink:

[Lorrie]

:frogtoung::fishfromboat::frogtoung:
A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Lorrie]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying,


'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'


The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,


'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles,
'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'


'Secondly,' says the lawyer,
'Did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'


The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.


'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says,
'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'


And the lawyer says,
'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Lorrie]

~Can you solve this puzzle?~


You are riding on a beautiful white horse.


On your left side is a drop off.


On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them.


Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?



For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.



*Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.*

[Lorrie]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.


Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and saw her in the hallway buck naked! Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans closer and says:

"I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans even closer and says

"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says..............



"Grandpa....Go home. you're drunk.

[Lorrie]

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 iles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:

Oil Change:$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
==========



Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine..

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

:cartrouble:

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Drink Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Drink Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Drink Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Drink Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail..

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00


But you know the job was done right!

[Lorrie]

So a blonde goes into a Wal-Mart and sees a TV that she wants to buy, when she asks the guy at the store he says,

"No, we don't serve blondes here."

She comes back the next day wearing a redheaded wig and asks the same thing and again he repeats,

"Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."

She comes back the next day dressed as an asian and when the same thing repeats she says,

"How do you know I'm a blonde and why won't you serve me?"
And the guy said,

"Well, it's because that's not a TV, that's a microwave."

[Lorrie]

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




"You got Male!"<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

[Lorrie]

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.



At 1:00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”


“‘I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”


“Wow!” he exclaimed. “That’s a great idea!”


“‘Good,” she replied, “Get your own fucking blanket.”


After a moment of silence, he farted.


The End

[pjpete]

Yes, Yes, I Understand Why The Guy Did Not Kiss The Frog. One Cannot Blame Him........:thumbsup:




:frogtoung::fishfromboat::frogtoung:
A guy is 80 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'


With age comes wisdom.

[Lorrie]

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Yesterday, I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pets, Shane and Codette, I was in the checkout line, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's rear, and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

[Lorrie]

As a Parent, I often wonder if I taught my son & daughter everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life.

You know what I mean . .. . . .don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But you know I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice. Lets face it, if my son or daughter ever tried this totally idiotic stunt I would figure they are way too stupid to make it in this world anyway......!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>




Never . . .

Ever . . .

Ever . . .
Put a FIRECRACKER
in your ass and light it.<o:p></o:p>





.
.
.
.
.
.


<?xml:namespace prefix = v ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:vml" /><v:shapetype id=_x0000_t75 stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"></v:shapetype>

[Lorrie]

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT

BUT IT IS KINDA FUNNY:


Subject: Fame has its price...

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue.

Michelle Obama got the same offer . . . from National Geographic.

;))

[Braggi]

THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT ...

No, you shouldn't have. Bad bad Lorrie.

It's Hustler, BTW, that offers celebrities the million bucks.

Funny, I was just wondering last night if Hustler had contacted Ms. Palin yet.

-Jeff

[MsTerry]

Funny, I was just wondering last night if Hustler had contacted Ms. Palin yet.

-Jeff
What else were you wondering last night, while perusing your Hustler........

[Lorrie]

Retire to Alaska

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

:policeman:
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

:tiphat:
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation,

:mime:
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

:hello:
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5 o'clock...'

:balloons:
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'


As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

:drink4:

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

:drink4:
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

:Ball kicker:
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

:JIB:
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'


:aplan:

[Lorrie]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So, she continued upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me", the woman exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,014 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Lorrie]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for
computer problems.

https://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i304/Truth_Warrior/image001-1.jpg
No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

[Lorrie]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie de tector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen." "I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

[Lorrie]

ANOTHER DAY IN CALIFORNIA
https://www.probush.com/treehug3.gif




While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a gentleman tourist came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.


Seeing this tourist inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"


"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.


"You've gotta be kiddin' me."


"No. Would you like to give it a try?"


Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree & pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.


Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the heck happened to you?"


He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,


"This just ain't gonna be your day............cupcake..."

[Lorrie]

Now after doing some research on that "tree hugger" picture, I found this website.
It is very very sad and funny at the same time.
I think if you want a good political laugh you should check it out sometime...

ProBush.com "You're with us or you're with the enemy." (https://www.probush.com/portland_police.htm)
There are alot of traitors in the world. Can they all be wrong?
Some people can be soooo passionate about stuff.... giggle.

[Braggi]

Now after doing some research on that "tree hugger" picture, I found this website.
It is very very sad and funny at the same time.
I think if you want a good political laugh you should check it out sometime...


Wow, it almost reads like a spoof site. Looks like something from the Borowitz Report or The Onion. These people are actually serious. Sheesh.

-Jeff

[bakerchic]

This joke is racist, and you should not have posted it. We know these jokes and thoughts circulate, but I would never perpetuate them. It wasn't even a little funny.


THIS IS REALLY BAD~AND I SHOULDN'T POST IT


BUT IT IS KINDA FUNNY:


Subject: Fame has its price...

Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $1 Million to pose nude in the January issue.

Michelle Obama got the same offer . . . from National Geographic.

;))

[Lorrie]

Oh but you are wrong... it is a little funny. I laughed (a little) is a bad joke I said that. It is in the "Censored & Un-Censored" catagory if you can't handle that don't come here.
I am glad you got to say your peace. But still it's just a joke...you don't have to read it ya know.
I am glad you are not perpetuating them...
That makes it available for me to.
Everybody underneath to any certain individual they judge - when they judge-is predjudice, or racist, or whatever...

You have judged this joke. And this joke like all jokes is simply making fun, and does not literally apply.
If anyone else find this one sooooooo offensive then tell me I will remove it. No problem. But then I am censored...good thing I posted these in this catagory huh?



This joke is racist, and you should not have posted it. We know these jokes and thoughts circulate, but I would never perpetuate them. It wasn't even a little funny.

[Lorrie]

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top><TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt" vAlign=top>OLD FOLK JOKES
<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/08_03/winnielangleyKNP_228x340.jpg
SERENITY

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellPadding=0 border=1><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">
We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us...




We had to stay up all night lighting them!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.


She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'


'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.


She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">
I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, I get winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.Have lost all my friends.


But, thank God, I still have my driver's license!
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"


"Heck," said Herman,
"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape. So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".


The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."


After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.


"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

"I'm ninety-two years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels.
Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,


'For fast relief'.

</TD></TR><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt">

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
Always Remember This:


You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing!!

[Lorrie]

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.


I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.


I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant.


Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.


In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.


Love your son,
John


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. It's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.

[Lorrie]

Gorilla of dreams....<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

A small zoo in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Alabama</st1:place></st1:State> obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.


Thinking about their problem, the zoo keeper thought of BobbyLee Walton...a redneck part-time worker, responsible for cleaning the animal cages. BobbyLee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The zoo keeper thought they might have a solution. BobbyLee was approached with the proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00. BobbyLee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.


The following day, BobbyLee announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:


"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The keeper quickly agreed to this condition.


"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.


"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.


"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week tocome up with the $500.

[Lorrie]

Bad Times Have Hit... VERY SAD!!!


Got Milk?


I live on a farm and times are pretty hard as the area I live in is considered economically depressed.
It's so bad, that I've heard some of our neighbors were having a hard time making ends meet.


This morning, I woke up to hear a knock at the door. When I went to answer the door -- this is the sad sight that I saw. It just about broke my heart...!!


Please scroll down, to see for yourself...! !





https://lc.fdots.com/cc/lc/f3/f33c452b74ab591b0e5b9118bbc446bb.jpg

[Lorrie]

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO– Chief Embezzlement Officer

</SP AN>

CFO<F color="black" face="Georgia" ONT size="4">- Corporate Fraud Officer


BULL MARKET– A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius


BEAR MARKET– A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.


VALUE INVESTING– The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO– The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.


BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.


STANDARD & POOR– Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST– Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT– When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.


MARKET CORRECTION– The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS– What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR– Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.


# # # # #

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.


<SP style="webkit-background-clip: initial; webkit-background-origin: initial" AN>But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.


It' s called the 401-Keg.
~~~~~

[Lorrie]

The Best Smart Ass Answers of 2008 !!

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.! '

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge ! Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say, if tomorrow, I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'


A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's good.'

[Lorrie]

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this. It is yet another example of why people learning English have trouble with the language. Learning the nuances of English makes it a difficult language. (But then, that's probably true of many languages.)


There is a two-letter word in English that perhapshas more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as being used as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UPfor election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room,polishUP the silver, we warm UPthe leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UPthe house and some guys fix UPthe old car. At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, lineUP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this up is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UPat night.We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many waysUP is used. It will takeUPa lot of your time,but if you don't giveUP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wetsUP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now ........my time is UP , so time to shut UP!

Oh...one more thing:
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?
U. P.
Now I'll shut up!

[Lorrie]

Ted's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the
buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.

He rushes to the emergency room at the local hospital.

The ER doctor says, "Wow! that's pretty bad, but don't worry!
Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Ted says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doc says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers!
This is a modern hospital, we've got highly trained micro
surgeons and all kinds of incredible techniques. But we have
to have the fingers to reattach. Why didn't you bring them
with you?"

Ted says, "Well shit Doc! I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em
up!"

[Lorrie]

A drunk walks out of a
bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out....

'Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

[Lorrie]

Why men shouldn't take messages...

The wife came home after work and went into the kitchen on the refrigerator was a message taken and left by her husband.

It read:

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.

They said the Papst Beer is Normal....


I didn't even know you liked beer."

[Lorrie]

A man owned a small farm in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State><st1:place>California</st1:place></st1:State>.

The Labor Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>


<!-- end of AOLMsgPart_2_f8ba4deb-4f36-4740-a70c-39593f8cc08e -->

[Lorrie]

The Black Bodice, stiletto heels and a mask...
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bodice, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.



My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, you are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, stiletto heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

[Lorrie]

Guts or Balls?

There is a medical distinction.


We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom in her hand, and having the guts to ask:


'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:


'You're next, Chubby.


I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions....
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,
since both ultimately result in death.

[Lorrie]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. . and those who don't.

As Ben Franklin said:' In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.'

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poo, Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[Lorrie]

BAIL OUT MASCOT!!

https://www.dianahsieh.com/blog/uploaded_images/860e0d-740224.jpg

[Lorrie]

<TABLE width="100%"><TBODY><TR vAlign=top><TD width="100%">Feeling Unappreciated Lately?

https://www.vurbatim.com/files/Unappreciated.jpg

Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These ...

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00 , Kenneth Roberts, the part-time Sunday janitor, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day????

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????

Betty came home to find Jerry in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany . Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?!? STILL having a Bad Day????

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
God is Good!

There now, Feeling Better, Are We?

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Lorrie]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

<TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 294.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=393><TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 294.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=393><TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 294.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=393><TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 294.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=393><TABLE class=EC_MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 294.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=393>

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,

"Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 30 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?"


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.


Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
'bang, bang'."


"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.


Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.


The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>The doctor replied , "My point exactly."</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

[Lorrie]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part ofhis physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened.
The man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

[Lorrie]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .




She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'


:xtrmlaugh:

[Lorrie]

https://www.animalaid.org/Images/Holidays/irish_leprechaun_dance_turn_ty_wht.gif https://www.jupitergreetings.com/files/anims/thumbnails/96_sm.gif https://www.animalaid.org/Images/Holidays/irish_leprechaun_dance_turn_ty_wht.gif
An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar.

He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a leprechaun.

The leprechaun says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile.

Finally he says, "I want a beer that's always cold and never is empty."

With that, the leprechaun makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill.
The leprechaun asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

[Lorrie]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said,

'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'


Forrest responds,
'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'


St. Peter continued,
'Yes, I know, Forrest. But the test is only three questions.


First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'


Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied,
'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.
That would be Today and Tomorrow.'


The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.
How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.


'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?


Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'


Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St.Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....But I will have to give you credit for that one, too.Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?


'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'


'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'


'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied.
'I learnt it from the song...


ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:
'Run, Forrest, run.'

[Lorrie]

Lord, Give me a sense of humor.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, to get some humor out of life, and to pass it on to other folks !

[Lorrie]

Okay these are SPECIAL and will also give you an insight to the humor or rather hilarity of my brother...Professional Chef Chris Shook who is holding the cooking classes in sebastopol soon...(type COOKING CLASSES in the search and find the ad in WaccoBB.)
Anyway these are a special treat from him and he is very very funny...
Check these out!!!
Don't read them fast though...


Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.

Q: What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
A: Dam!

Q: What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese.

Q: What do you call santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate clauses.

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist.

Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.

Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A: Right where you left him.

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: You boil the hell out of it.

Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the heck out of the dog.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: And what kind of lettuce?
A: Iceberg.

Q: What is the difference between a harley and a hoover?
A: The location of the dirt bag.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
A: Because they wear their belt buckles on their hats.

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.

Q: How are a texas tornado and a tennnessee divorce the same?
A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

OmGsh!! So funny!!

[mykil]

https://home.comcast.net/~junknjewels/best.mpg from lorrie to you all!