An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check.. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
Lorrie
11-18-2009, 10:46 AM
Two old guys were chatting
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!...... Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!":thumbsup:
Lorrie
11-18-2009, 03:39 PM
Golfing Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute...that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly,
"I think I can save you a grand here...":fireright:
Lorrie
12-09-2009, 12:49 PM
<style></style>YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME..
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables when he heard a voice in the dark that said,
"Jesus knows your here."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze in place.
When he heard nothing more after a bit he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bird he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally in the corner of the room, next to the Christmas tree, his flashlight beam came to rest on parrot staring right at him.
A man walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Well! Your timing is excellent. We just received a job request from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL. All of your wardrobe will be provided. Because of the long hours, meals will be included.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but part of your job assignment will be to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20'sand has a very strong sex drive."
The man, just plain wide-eyed, exclaimed, "You're bullshitting me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it!"
Lorrie
01-05-2010, 02:28 PM
HUNDREDS GATHER....
TO PROTEST GLOBAL WARMING...
https://www.pinktentacle.com/images/snowman_5.jpg
Lorrie
01-05-2010, 03:18 PM
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer.... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
*** Remember.... They walk among us!!!***
***The gene pool needs a little chlorine****
Lorrie
01-06-2010, 11:36 AM
Girlie Wisdom!
1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!'..... Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him..
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Lorrie
01-06-2010, 11:40 AM
One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.
Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
mykil
01-06-2010, 03:41 PM
MILES
https://home.comcast.net/%7Ejunknjewels/images/ob.jpg
Lorrie
01-07-2010, 09:29 AM
The Harley-Davidson Facts:
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there, ' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Can't argue with that...:thumbsup:
Lorrie
01-07-2010, 11:05 AM
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads.
Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....
He emailed back:
"If the light stays on for more than 4 hours call your erectician."
<table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 0in 3.75pt 0in 0in; width: 514.5pt;" width="686" valign="top"><table class="MsoNormalTable" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 0in 3.75pt 0in 0in; width: 475.5pt;" width="634" valign="top">
</td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table>
Lorrie
01-18-2010, 10:55 AM
1. The economy is so bad... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
2. The economy is so bad... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"
3. The economy is so bad... That CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
4. The economy is so bad... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
5. The economy is so bad... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
6. The economy is so bad... McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
7. The economy is so bad... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
8. The economy is so bad... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
9. The economy is so bad... Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
10. The economy is so bad... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
11. The economy is so bad... The Mafia is laying off judges.
12. The economy is so bad... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally... Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
Lorrie
01-26-2010, 10:14 AM
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group again talks about where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food is very good and they have an excellent wine selection.
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discusses where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again talks about where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.:thumbsup:
Lorrie
01-26-2010, 10:25 AM
For 2 years a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce!!!
Lorrie
01-26-2010, 10:30 AM
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...
"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land !”
Lorrie
01-27-2010, 12:39 PM
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when
he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches on.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him
another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again ......he asks the little
old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The little old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
It pays to be careful around old people !!!!
Lorrie
02-02-2010, 01:46 PM
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Vatican</st1:country-region></st1:place> when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
Lorrie
02-08-2010, 10:49 AM
Subject: Things I learned in Oklahoma ...
A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma .
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma , plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it'll stickya. If it crawls, it'll bitecha.
'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
'Jawl-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'
People actually grow and eat okra.
'fixinto' is one word.
There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.
Backerds and fords means 'I know everything about you.'
The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.
You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.
'Nojew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.
You measure distance in minutes.
You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
You know what a 'DAWG' is.
You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.
You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.
You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
Going to Wal-Mart (https://www.walmart.com/) is a favorite past time known as 'off to Wally World'
You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.
Fried catfish is the other white meat.
We don't need no dang driver's ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.
You understand these jokes and forward them to your Oklahoma friends and those who just wish they were from Oklahoma (I am the latter!!)
Lorrie
02-15-2010, 10:31 AM
A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker :smkdev:steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it :havinabeer:down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?"
The poor little guy starts crying.:tear:
"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs.:tear: "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.:argument: When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home.":broke:
He continues, crying even harder. :bawl:"Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener :mow:and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, :rip:and then you show up and drink the poison.:eek:
Lorrie
02-16-2010, 02:22 PM
<title>Message</title><style></style> Men Are Just Happier People For All the Following Reasons
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character..
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. <!--IBF.ATTACHMENT_833908-->
Lorrie
02-17-2010, 08:16 AM
THE POTTY<o:p></o:p>
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.<o:p></o:p>
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE..."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET."<o:p></o:p>
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"<o:p></o:p>
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
Lorrie
02-23-2010, 10:22 AM
The <st1:country-region w:st="on">United States</st1:country-region> Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border from <st1:country-region w:st="on">Mexico</st1:country-region> and into points along the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> border. <o:p></o:p>
If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or the U. S. Border Patrol.<o:p></o:p>
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....<o:p></o:p>
"Clean my house."<o:p></o:p>
Lorrie
02-24-2010, 10:08 AM
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'
Lorrie
03-02-2010, 09:29 AM
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded..The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!
Lorrie
03-02-2010, 10:19 AM
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
Lorrie
03-03-2010, 01:35 PM
<link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CLORRIE%7E1%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="PlaceName"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="PlaceType"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id=ieooui></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"Comic Sans MS"; panose-1:3 15 7 2 3 3 2 2 2 4; mso-font-charset:0; mso-generic-font-family:script; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:647 0 0 0 159 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]-->
:Yinyangv:Well, that time has come for me to be moving on. I won't be on here to post jokes or get any new similes for you guys. I am signing off forever it seems...:heart:
I enjoyed the last six years; I was one of the first for this new internet WaccoBB! And now it’s over for me here.
I hope you all have a wonderful life, try not to argue too much.
I have been laid off my job and except for a time or two of helping out around here, to help along the changing of the "guard" so to speak. I am moving away and everything that has been my life for the last 8 years is disappearing and all new adventures are to come my way. My life is was easy and dramaless I had become complacent and life was good living along the <st1:place><st1:placename>Russian</st1:placename><st1:placetype> River</st1:placetype></st1:place>.
It was all too good to be true. Peaceful and exciting all at the same time! :juggle:
I am not allowed the same ol' same ol' any longer. This is about change! :banana:
I will say that part of me doesn't want any of it to change, there is a lot I will miss desperately, :confused:and part of me looks at the future as being just that a future. :keyboard:
(Once I have gotten past the "getting there" part, because therein lays many of my difficulties. Hoops:pullshair: I must jump through in order to attain my new beginning)
I am to move and be in our dream: a loving partnership with my boyfriend in our own place. Then I find the perfect job for meGvsE (I am leaving the perfect job for me here:meditate:) I am finding it hard to be happy or sad. Confused or clear.
Anyway I just wanted to say that I had fun, some nun such fun, and enjoyed providing the similes:darth::cowboy::smileymassage::fishfromboat::spambash: and jokes :biglaugh:for your future enjoyment @ WaccoBB for years to come. My wish for you Barry!
I am apologizing to Barry, and all of you for Moderating when I shouldn't have, or saying the wrong thing. I forgive you all as I know you will forgive me. <o:p></o:p> Maybe you could hold my joke page for:poof: posterity:poof:, or maybe someone will take it over
:burningmad:
…I suppose it is none of my concern any longer what happens with it.<o:p></o:p> :thumbsup:
Thanks WaccoBB and Barry!!:cheerleader:
I felt like I belonged. :jrope:I will miss you all!<o:p></o:p>
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.PRICELESS
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]-->
<!--[endif]-->