Jokes by Lorrie from someone...for your read [Archive] - Page 2

Lorrie

04-14-2009, 02:27 PM

When girls don't put out!!
This was written by a guy...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart...

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis .

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey..' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either ....

Lorrie

04-15-2009, 01:03 PM

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriff verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Sheriffs Department with me.'

Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.

'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish on any land.

No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.
The Sheriff is clearly terrified.

https://www.cksinfo.com/clipart/americana/westernandcowboys/Charging-Bull.jpg

The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge Smartass!

Lorrie

04-16-2009, 09:04 AM

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint.
It goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Lorrie

04-16-2009, 02:51 PM

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be a President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

:banana:

Braggi

04-16-2009, 03:32 PM

... She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

...

Of course, had the person telling the "joke" been honest, he would have said he'd never allow that bum on his property and if the guy ever came near his family or home he'd call the police or just get his gun and threaten the poor bum. Or worse.

Thing is, Republicans rarely are honest even with themselves about such things, in my experience. In fact, they just don't think things through on a regular basis.

-Jeff, who comes from a family of mostly Republicans.

Lorrie

04-16-2009, 03:43 PM

Its Just a joke Jeffy.

Of course, had the person telling the "joke" been honest, he would have said he'd never allow that bum on his property and if the guy ever came near his family or home he'd call the police or just get his gun and threaten the poor bum. Or worse.

Thing is, Republicans rarely are honest even with themselves about such things, in my experience. In fact, they just don't think things through on a regular basis.

-Jeff, who comes from a family of mostly Republicans.

Lorrie

04-21-2009, 10:28 AM

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY VERY VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOUR DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

Of Course I have never had a problem.

Lorrie

04-23-2009, 09:33 AM

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single Roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop,
She jumped up and down and
Squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,

'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb, but all men are...well....men!

Lorrie

04-28-2009, 12:05 PM

A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID,

"BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU LEFT YOUR HOUSE,DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"

THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD,SO HE WENT INTO HIS OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED. WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP. HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAD TOLD HIM, HE FINALLY UNDERSTOOD. THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE FROM HIS SECRETARY. WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK,HE SAID,

"WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY HUMMER PARKED IN THERE?"

THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID

"NO. SIR,I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A MINI COOPER WITH TWO FLAT TIRES."

Lorrie

04-30-2009, 10:57 AM

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Lorrie

04-30-2009, 04:39 PM

A guy went to the Government Office to apply for a job.

- The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, 'Yes - caffeine.'

- Have you ever been in the military service?'
'Yes,'he replied. 'I did 2 combat tours in Afghanistan.'

- The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asked,’ Are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.

- The interviewer grimaced and then said,'O.K. You've got enough points for meto hire you right now. Our normal hours are! from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan to start at 10:00 A.M.. every day.

The guy was puzzled and asks, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?- This is a government job, the interviewer said. For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee andscratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

Lorrie

04-30-2009, 05:33 PM

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers ..and then there are educators.

Lorrie

05-07-2009, 10:25 AM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes,and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here's a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets(-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty (0)
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her father (-20)

Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2) Named Tiffany (-4) Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A Night Out with The Boys:
Go out with a pal (-5)
And the pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Lotus (-10)
With a personalized license plate "GR8 N BED" (-15)

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop3 (-3)
Which features cyborgs having sex (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" (-800)

The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
(Gee, I really did think that I was safe saying that)

Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+10)
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep (-20)

Lorrie

05-07-2009, 10:30 AM

Mexican Words of the Day

1. CHEESE
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat..

2. MUSHROOM
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. SHOULDER
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on">TEXAS</st1:State>
My fren always <st1:State w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Texas</st1:place></st1:State> me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. HERPES
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. JULY
Ju told me ju were going to the store and July to me! Julyer!

7. RECTUM
I had two cars but my wife rectum!

8. CHICKEN
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. WHEELCHAIR
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. CHICKEN WING
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. HARASSMENT
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.

12. BISHOP
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:City w:st="on">BODY</st1:City> <st1:State w:st="on">WASH</st1:State></st1:place>
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. BUDWEISER
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Lorrie

05-07-2009, 10:43 AM

<table class="MsoNormalTable" align="center" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tbody><tr><td style="padding: 0in;" valign="top">
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.<o:p></o:p>

https://www.mdranglers.com/fishingjokes_files/image001.jpg

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob.
Women like that are hard to find.'<o:p></o:p>

</td></tr></tbody></table>
<o:p></o:p>

Lorrie

05-07-2009, 10:53 AM

NAKED COWBOY

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots.

He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks
'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!

Lorrie

05-07-2009, 01:33 PM

The Old Lady and the Officer

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!!!!

Lorrie

05-14-2009, 12:24 PM

Finally, after 40 years, someone has opened the vault and revealed the answer to a question that has clawed at our brains since the 1969 Woodstock album was released: What the hell were the lyrics to Joe Cocker's version of 'A Little Help From My Friends'? He was so wigged-out and loopy on a multitude of drugs, no one has been able to understand his garbled, mush-mouth version. Until now!

Click link below for the lyrics .. FINALLY IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR!

https://www.elwp.com/Joe%20Cocker.html (https://www.elwp.com/Joe%20Cocker.html)

Lorrie

05-14-2009, 12:57 PM

ABOUT DRINKING WATER?

https://www.cf.missouri.edu/energy/em_pp/images/water.jpg

The following will probably amaze and startle you..

One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University study.

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

(No kidding, all of the above are true...)

Of course, too much water may have strange side effects.

https://bp0.blogger.com/_538BDzqr_Lk/R8y7grEo9vI/AAAAAAAAAaM/83OOvbGdxZ0/s400/th_huge_boobs.jpg

Now that I have your attention, go get another glass of water!

--BUT BE VERY CAREFUL.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have friends who makes you laugh, spend lots of time with them.

Lorrie

05-14-2009, 01:22 PM

My wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.

She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.

SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.

To this day I have never been able to understand why some women are so hard to please.

https://www.geekologie.com/2007/10/02/bike-mower-1.jpg

Lorrie

05-19-2009, 08:58 AM

Bubba Had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!
Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Bubba said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Lorrie

05-19-2009, 10:21 AM

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children!
I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied,
'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say
to me!'
And the husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight.
The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued -
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Lorrie

05-19-2009, 12:02 PM

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>
AMISH VIRUS:

https://www.kulacrosse.com/clipartstable/subs/annew/anbuggy.gif

You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system.

Please delete all of your files.
Thank thee. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Lorrie

05-19-2009, 02:23 PM

<TABLE style="TABLE-LAYOUT: fixed" height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" align=center><TBODY><TR><TD width=75></TD><TD style="OVERFLOW: hidden; WHITE-SPACE: nowrap; TEXT-OVERFLOW: ellipsis" vAlign=top><TABLE style="WHITE-SPACE: normal" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%"><TBODY><TR><TD height=25></TD></TR><TR><TD>Women-oh- Women
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get Ten times of that The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what'shis is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack!!"

Moral of the story:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you, Stop here and continue feeling good.....

Male readers: Continue

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to show that women never listen!!! that is why you read it even after our advise to stop!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Lorrie

05-20-2009, 09:56 AM

REDNECK SEAFOOD DINING

https://img160.imageshack.us/img160/4485/40757825xh8.png

Lorrie

05-20-2009, 10:43 AM

Great Orators of the Democrat Party
'One man with courage makes a majority.'
- Andrew Jackson
'The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.'
- <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Franklin</st1:place></st1:City> D. <st1:place w:st="on">Roosevelt</st1:place>
'The buck stops here.'
- Harry S. Truman

'Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.'
- John F. Kennedy

And from today's Genius Democrats...............

'It depends what your definition of 'Sex' is?''
- Bill Clinton

'That Obama - I would like to cut his NUTS off.'
- Jesse Jackson
'Those rumors are false .... I believe in the sanctity of marriage.'
- John Edwards

'I invented the Internet'
- Al Gore

'The next Person that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads up their __.'
- Joe Biden

' <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">America</st1:country-region></st1:place> is--is no longer, uh, what it--it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was...uh, and I say to myself, 'uh, I don't want that future, uh, uh for my children.'
- Barack Obama

'I have campaigned in all 57 states.
- Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

'You don't need God anymore, you have us Democrats.'
- Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

'Paying taxes is voluntary.'
- Sen. Harry Reid
'Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.'
- Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)
HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?
''Life's tough .......
it's even tougher if you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne

I recieved this email it is a joke, I don't know for sure if the statements are true...or not.

Lorrie

05-20-2009, 03:09 PM

BOB & THE BLONDE

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

alanora

05-21-2009, 07:39 AM

That was fabulous...had me laughing very loudly in the early morning.

Finally, after 40 years, someone has opened the vault and revealed the answer to a question that has clawed at our brains since the 1969 Woodstock album was released: What the hell were the lyrics to Joe Cocker's version of 'A Little Help From My Friends'? He was so wigged-out and loopy on a multitude of drugs, no one has been able to understand his garbled, mush-mouth version. Until now!

Click link below for the lyrics .. FINALLY IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR!

https://www.elwp.com/Joe%20Cocker.html (https://www.elwp.com/Joe%20Cocker.html)

Lorrie

05-26-2009, 01:53 PM

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar..you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' S he opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc..

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

.........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story!!!!!!!!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Lorrie

05-26-2009, 02:08 PM

So What Have We Learned....
"The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City><st1:place>Rome</st1:place></st1:City> become bankrupt. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." <o:p></o:p>
---- <st1:City><st1:place>Cicero</st1:place></st1:City> - 55 BC <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
....Evidently Nothing

Lorrie

05-26-2009, 02:50 PM

THE SURPRISED DRUNK
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar! . He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Lorrie

05-28-2009, 04:28 PM

Dear God,

https://fbcsanaug.org/Child%20in%20prayer.jpg

Please send clothes for all those poor ladies
in Daddy's computer who don't have any.
Amen.

Lorrie

06-04-2009, 09:37 AM

Green grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire. Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.

Lorrie

06-04-2009, 12:35 PM

IKEA TO TAKE OVER GM...
HERE IS YOUR NEW CAR...ENJOY!
https://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3QqO8EXd-II/Sa6YPBLWzPI/AAAAAAAAm5g/kQRZ-YthZr8/s400/ATT00064.jpg

Lorrie

06-08-2009, 05:09 PM

https://www.bizkids.com/resources/BlogEngine.Web/image.axd?picture=2009%2F4%2Fcalvinhobbesbailout.jpg

Lorrie

06-09-2009, 05:23 PM

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left
and there was a
Woman
In a brand new Cadillac
Doing 75 mph
With her Face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
for a couple seconds
And when I looked
back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working
on that makeup.
As a man,
I don't scare easily.
But she scared
me so much;
I dropped
My electric shaver,

Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.
In all the
confusion of trying
to straighten out the car
using
my knees against
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed, and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,
ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers

Lorrie

06-09-2009, 05:46 PM

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

Lorrie

06-09-2009, 05:58 PM

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..
He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache."

Lorrie

06-11-2009, 09:40 AM

https://www.superiorsilkscreen.com/upfiles/cart/frisbee.jpg

Lorrie

06-17-2009, 03:53 PM

on Grandparenting...
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.
Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Lorrie

06-17-2009, 04:20 PM

The Lost Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jesus, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Lorrie

06-17-2009, 05:03 PM

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

Braggi

06-17-2009, 05:28 PM

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. ...

Any man who's ever been kicked in the nuts understands the priority.

-Jeff

Lorrie

06-17-2009, 06:07 PM

few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'

If you're not sure what a 710 is:

https://www.whatithink.evadanit.com/images/funny/710.jpg

Lorrie

06-23-2009, 03:14 PM

A very old couple that has been married for a very long time, is sitting on their porch one night.
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"
He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."

Lorrie

06-25-2009, 11:30 AM

TRAFFIC CAMERA

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed.
He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, drivingeven more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result.

The fifth time hewas laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a

seat belt.

Men . . .

Lorrie

07-07-2009, 03:29 PM

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying @#%& YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

Lorrie

07-08-2009, 05:41 PM

FISHIN' TRIP

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming

Fishingtrip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't
go this timebecause his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of
teasing and namecalling, Dave headed home, frustrated.

The following week, when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake to
set upcamp, they were shocked to see Dave was already there.
He was alreadysitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag
rolled out, fishing rodin hand, and a camp fire glowing.

"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"
"I didn't haveto," Dave replied. "Last week, when I left our
meeting, I went home andslumped down in my chair with a beer
to drown my sorrows.
Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said,
'Surprise!'
WhenI peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said,
'Carry me into the bedroom and tie meto the bed and you can do
whatever you want'
. . . SO HERE I AM!"

Lorrie

07-21-2009, 09:29 AM

These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

With the first one...The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up most of the show!

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Lonelyness!

Q.Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years..
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A.. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Lorrie

07-21-2009, 09:44 AM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies :2cents:

Lorrie

07-22-2009, 02:17 PM

Larry's In Room 232 in the Hospital

Ok, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'.

Larry gets home late one night and Linda , his wife, says,
'Where in the hell have you been?'
Larry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.'
'A tattoo?' she frowned. 'What kind of tattoo did you get?'
'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly.
'What the hell were you thinking?'
She said, shaking her head in disgust.
'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?'

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money .
Three, I like how money feels in my hand
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home
and blow a hundred bucks
anytime you want.

Larry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital!

Lorrie

07-22-2009, 02:35 PM

Alturo was in the pub yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his pint and noticed that everybody was staring at him……

Then he suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod!

Lorrie

07-28-2009, 03:06 PM

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." :heart:

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow.":heart:

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.":heart:

Lorrie

07-28-2009, 03:23 PM

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road.

They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash....

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks, 'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out?'

Lorrie

07-28-2009, 03:28 PM

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.

Written in large black letters was the sentence:

'Get well soon...from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week.'

Lorrie

08-04-2009, 01:46 PM

A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, 'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first..... Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says, 'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.

Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila, and then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender..... 'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says, 'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks.... but he doesn't make a face, and he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door, where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.. Soon the people inside the bar hear growling , biting, and screaming sounds... then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped open and there are scratches and he's bleeding all over his body.

He says, 'Now where's that old woman with the bad tooth?'

Lorrie

08-04-2009, 05:12 PM

The Sunday Paper
(I just know this will be me someday!)

This is dedicated to all who are seniors,
to all of you who know seniors,
and to all of you who will become seniors.
It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, and then she was heard to mutter, "Well, shit, that's why no one was at church today."

Lorrie

08-05-2009, 12:04 PM

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish!"

The biker pulled over and said:

"Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want!"

The Lord said:

"Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind!"

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said:

"Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a Woman truly happy!"

After a long, thoughtful pause...The Lord replied:

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Lorrie

08-07-2009, 09:54 AM

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off. But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they decided tojust continue watching her. After a couple of weeks the wife said, 'Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?' He hadn't and said so. Then she said, 'Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing.' Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.. The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. 'Well, is she selling drugs?' she asked excitedly. 'No, she's not,' he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. 'Well, what is it then? What does she do ?' his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said, 'She's a battery salesperson.' 'Batteries?' cried the wife. 'Yes!' he replied.

PLEASESCROLL DOWN

OOOOH! You're gonna dislike me for this -

but it will make your day!

'She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!'

Lorrie

08-11-2009, 02:01 PM

A beautiful voluptuous blond woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The blond asked the gentleman, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”

The gentleman responded, “Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and I flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.”

Well, the blond was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.
So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the blond, “By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?”

“No” she replied, “but my cucumbers are enormous”

Lorrie

08-11-2009, 02:36 PM

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top>A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Northeast Florida recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there
licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'This is for my fishing buddies ~ 'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr.. Government Man I'll show ya. It really works.'

'Okay,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?' says the redneck.

The warden says, :When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH,' replied the warden!

'What fish?' replied the redneck.

Moral of the story -- We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Lorrie

08-11-2009, 02:40 PM

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Lorrie

08-11-2009, 03:11 PM

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep.. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
>
>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said,
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great...I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ...

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that.
You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs...

She stares at the plate for a moment in awe and says:
'Where's my toast ?'

> A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> 'So I hear you're getting married?'
> 'Yep!'
> 'Do I know her?'
> 'Nope!'
> 'This woman, is she good looking?'
> 'Not really.'
> 'Is she a good cook?'
> 'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
> 'Does she have lots of money?'
> 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
> 'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
> 'I don't know.'
> 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
> 'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid..
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

> One more. .. .!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Lorrie

08-11-2009, 03:41 PM

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing! You've been reading our marriage for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife:'You always carry my photo in your wallet..
Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly,
'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. a few days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Lorrie

08-12-2009, 03:13 PM

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime,
the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked,
"Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):

BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN.

Lorrie

08-12-2009, 03:17 PM

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

Lorrie

08-12-2009, 04:48 PM

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I don't know about you sometimes!

Lorrie

08-13-2009, 02:03 PM

Have you ever wondered what the difference between Grandmothers and
Grandfathers is?
>> Well here it is:
>> A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family on the weekends.
>> Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for
a drive in the car for some bonding time, just he and his granddaughter.
>> One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel
like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that
she would take their granddaughter out.
>> When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her
Grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy
your ride with grandma?'
>> 'Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, and do you know what? We didn't see a
single dumb bastard, dip shit or ass hole anywhere we went today!'
>> Kinda brings a tear to your eye

Lorrie

08-17-2009, 03:10 PM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom.. "How can that be if you've been married ten times..?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative;
he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband #2 was in Software Services;
he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services;
he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing;
even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer;
he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration;
he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing;
although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist;
all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist;
all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector;
all he ever did was........ God, I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"...
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED ."

Lorrie

08-17-2009, 04:39 PM

An old man in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:State w:st="on">Mississippi</st1:State></st1:place> was sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man yells "You damn fool. You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man yells back, "You damn fool. You can't catch ducks with duck tape!"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Boy says "It's a pussy willow."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."<o:p></o:p>

Lorrie

08-26-2009, 02:03 PM

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna." And *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says,

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

If you laugh, you are going straight to hell!:fire: lol!!

Lorrie

08-26-2009, 03:19 PM

I was going to post this in "poetry and prose", but I think Barry only wants original work put there and it was so unimportant to send an email to Larry so he could post it...... so i brought it back to my thread. Anyways, here is a delightful poem about a cowboy buying a bra for his woman...enjoy!:

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
'Would you pick me up a bra?'

So without thinkin' I said, 'Sure,'
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, 'I'll be back by three.'

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
'I'm here to buy a bra.'

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

'What kind would you be looking for?'
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
'Thought bras was bras,' I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
'Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me,' I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, 'Bag it up,'
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
'A six-and-seven-eighths.'

'Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right.'
'Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!'

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

'That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am.'
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay..
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, 'Good day.'

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

~ Author Unknown ~

Lorrie

08-26-2009, 04:49 PM

Three old ladies (Tillie, Maude, Gertrude) were sitting on a park bench when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the old ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Lorrie

08-26-2009, 05:07 PM

Random Thoughts of the Day:

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*ck was going on when I first saw
it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take
2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a
text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test
is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete fu****g idiot.
Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes
that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my own fu**ing neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be
used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight
woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to
have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to
die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find
out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with
it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell am I supposed to know that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Lorrie

09-01-2009, 01:23 PM

<TABLE class=MsoNormalTable id=EC_mod_EDIMAINTABLE style="WIDTH: 100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD id=EC_mod_EDITEXTREGION style="PADDING-RIGHT: 1.5pt; PADDING-LEFT: 1.5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 1.5pt; WIDTH: 100%; PADDING-TOP: 1.5pt" vAlign=top width="100%">Why Italian Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family:

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Elio, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da family business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Lorrie

09-01-2009, 04:39 PM

A doctor in Duluth wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

'Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.

I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients.'

'Yes, sir!' answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Ole, How was your day?'

Ole told him that he took care of three patients.

'The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'

'Bravo, Mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,' says Ole.

Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the Doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra And her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
HELP ME - I haven't Seen a man in over two years!!

'Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes'!!

Lorrie

09-03-2009, 11:27 AM

: New treatment for sunburn

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; PADDING-LEFT: 0in; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top><TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="PADDING-RIGHT: 3.75pt; PADDING-LEFT: 3.75pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; WIDTH: 384.75pt; PADDING-TOP: 0in" vAlign=top width=513>A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,

"What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition,

but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Lorrie

09-09-2009, 10:23 AM

A traveling salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Jew.'

The intrigued salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Jewish Man wearing a name tag with the name
'Morty' written on it.

Suddenly, Morty dropped his pants, whipped out the biggest schwantz
any man could possibly have and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty
swings!

The crowd erupted in applause and the old Jewish man was carried off on
their shoulders to the tune of Hava Nagila.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the
same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,
'Don't Miss The Amazing Jew'.

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed
on the table.

There stood Morty before them. Suddenly, the drum rolled,
Morty dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings
of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with Morty after the show.
'You're incredible' he told Morty, 'but I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts.
Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts ?'

'Vell, I tell ya sompin,' said Morty, 'my eyes ain't vat day used to be'

Lorrie

09-15-2009, 01:23 PM

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison, and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden, so he wrote to his son about it.

"For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden," his son wrote back. "That's where I buried the guns!"

The next day, a dozen police officers, who had intercepted the letter, arrived and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

"Plant your potatoes." His son said.

Lorrie

09-15-2009, 01:50 PM

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said,
” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."

The man thought about his first wish and decided,
“I think I want One million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account in
my name.
POOF!
A receipt appeared in his hand.

Next he wished for a Ferrari, red in color. POOF!
There was the car sitting in front of him.

He asked for his final wish,
"I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF!

He turned into a box of chocolates.

Lorrie

09-16-2009, 10:25 AM

Difference Between Cats and Dogs...

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat’s throat
vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air

Lorrie

09-17-2009, 03:41 PM

10 Reasons Trick or Treating is better than SEX (https://whatsupdownsouth.blogspot.com/2003/10/10-reasons-trick-or-treating-is-better.html)

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. The person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. You'll feel less guilt the next morning.

1. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door!!

Lorrie

09-22-2009, 09:51 AM

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face...
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him
on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of
coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her
seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold
of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly..

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the nickels,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the IRS..'

Lorrie

09-24-2009, 01:12 PM

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse,
both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing,
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life,
the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm,
he searched and searched for the farmer,
but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition,
the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping
he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy,
to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley,
and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken
tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike,
rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

(yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

Get ready----

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

Lorrie

09-30-2009, 12:36 PM

Fondling In Bed

After 20 years of marriage a couple was lying in
bed one evening when the wife felt her husband
begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some
time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her
neck and than began moving down past the small
of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and
neck slowly worked his hand down over her breasts
stopping just over her lower stomach. He then
proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm
caressed past the side of her breast again working
down her side passed gently over her buttock
and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up
her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion
of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right
side then suddenly stopped rolled over and started to
watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this
caressing she asked in a loving voice "That was wonderful.
Why did you stop?"

He said "I found the remote".

Lorrie

09-30-2009, 01:26 PM

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football..'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says Touchdown, tie score..'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

Lorrie

09-30-2009, 02:32 PM

<table border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tbody> <tr> <td valign="top">INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES....

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down..

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"'Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
</td></tr></tbody></table>

Lorrie

10-13-2009, 11:04 AM

Old is just Old - Old is not Dumb !

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do
anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is,

" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.. "Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

Lorrie

11-10-2009, 11:51 AM

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer and,
at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he
would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and would use each time he had to log on.

The husband was a bit bored by the process and, feeling in a rather amorous mood, figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he paused for effect, then letter by letter, with his wife watching over his shoulder, he keyed in .......

P- E- N- I- S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH

Lorrie

11-10-2009, 12:38 PM

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Stella had been friends all of their lives.<o:p></o:p>

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Stella visited her every day.
One day Stella said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Stella from her deathbed and said, '"Stella, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Stella was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Stella, Stella.'
'Who is it?', asked Stella, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Stella -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Stella.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'<o:p></o:p>

'You're pitching Tuesday.'<o:p></o:p>

Lorrie

11-10-2009, 03:34 PM

A LADIES VISIT TO THE PUBLIC "REST" ROOM <o:p></o:p>

When you have to visit a public bathroom,
you usually find a line of women,
so you smile politely and take your place.<o:p></o:p>
Once it's your turn,
you check for feet under the stall doors.
....every stall is occupied.<o:p></o:p>
Finally, a door opens and you dash in,
nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.<o:p></o:p>
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, <o:p></o:p>
the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!<o:p></o:p>
The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" <o:p></o:p>
(invented by someone's Mom, no doubt)<o:p></o:p>
is handy, but empty.<o:p></o:p>
You would hang your purse on the door hook,
if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully,
but quickly drape it around your neck, <o:p></o:p>
(Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the floor),<o:p></o:p>
yank down your pants, and assume<o:p></o:p>
" The Stance."<o:p></o:p>
In this position your aging, toneless<o:p></o:p>
(Oh, God, I should have gone to the gym!!!) <o:p></o:p>
thigh muscles begin to shake.<o:p></o:p>
You'd love to sit down,
but you certainly hadn't taken time
to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold <o:p></o:p>
"The Stance".<o:p></o:p>
To take your mind off your trembling thighs,
you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. <o:p></o:p>
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying,<o:p></o:p>
"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, <o:p></o:p>
you would have known there was no toilet paper!"<o:p></o:p>
Your thighs shake more.<o:p></o:p>
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday-
the one that's still in your purse.<o:p></o:p>
(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck,
that now, you have to hold up
trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).<o:p></o:p>
That will have to do. <o:p></o:p>
You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. <o:p></o:p>
It's still smaller than your thumbnail.<o:p></o:p>
Someone pushes your door open
because the latch doesn't work.<o:p></o:p>
The door hits your purse, <o:p></o:p>
which is hanging around your neck <o:p></o:p>
in front of your chest, <o:p></o:p>
and you and your purse topple backward <o:p></o:p>
against the tank of the toilet.<o:p></o:p>
"Occupied!" you scream,<o:p></o:p>
as you reach for the door, dropping
your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue <o:p></o:p>
in a puddle on the floor, <o:p></o:p>
lose your footing altogether, <o:p></o:p>
and slide down <o:p></o:p>
directly onto the TOILET SEAT.<o:p></o:p>
It is wet of course.<o:p></o:p>
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.<o:p></o:p>
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form
on the uncovered seat <o:p></o:p>
because you never laid down toilet paper- <o:p></o:p>
not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.<o:p></o:p>
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, <o:p></o:p>
because, <o:p></o:p>
you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,<o:p></o:p>
"frankly dear, you just don't know <o:p></o:p>
what kind of diseases you could get".<o:p></o:p>
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet <o:p></o:p>
is so confused that it flushes, <o:p></o:p>
propelling a stream of water like a fire hose <o:p></o:p>
against the inside of the bowl <o:p></o:p>
that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt
and runs down your legs and into your shoes.<o:p></o:p>
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force <o:p></o:p>
that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser
for fear of being dragged in, too.<o:p></o:p>
At this point, you give up. <o:p></o:p>
You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.<o:p></o:p>
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.<o:p></o:p>
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket<o:p></o:p>
and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. <o:p></o:p>
You can't figure out how to operate the
faucets with the automatic sensors,<o:p></o:p>
.....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel <o:p></o:p>
and walk past the line of women still waiting.<o:p></o:p>
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.<o:p></o:p>
A kind soul at the very end of the line <o:p></o:p>
points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe.<o:p></o:p>
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??)<o:p></o:p>
You yank the paper from your shoe,
plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, <o:p></o:p>
"Here, you just might need this".<o:p></o:p>
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since <o:p></o:p>
entered, used, and left the men's restroom.<o:p></o:p>
Annoyed, he asks,<o:p></o:p>
"What took you so long,
and why is your
purse hanging around your neck?"<o:p></o:p>

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms
(rest???You've GOT to be kidding!!).<o:p></o:p>
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.
It also answers their other commonly asked questions
about why women go to the restroom in pairs.<o:p></o:p>
It's so the other gal can hold the door, <o:p></o:p>
hang onto your purse,<o:p></o:p> and hand you Kleenex under the door!

<o:p></o:p>
Send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about!<o:p></o:p>
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find...
Supportive....
Comfortable...<o:p></o:p>
Always Lifts You Up...<o:p></o:p>
Never Lets You Down, or Leaves You Hanging,
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!<o:p></o:p>
Share with anyone who needs a good laugh! <o:p></o:p>

Lorrie

11-12-2009, 04:51 PM

Old Farmer's Advice:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere
tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen
anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life..
Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from
the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence,
try orderin' somebody else's dog around..

Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
--
Don't pick a fight with an old man..
If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

And Finally...
https://2.bp.blogspot.com/_j07UqaqiVrc/Sp40ykPjxCI/AAAAAAAAARA/8fZMWeNS5cI/s400/dog+in+tree.jpg
Some days all you can do is smile and wait for some kind soul to come
pull your ass out of the bind you've gotten yourself into.