What does this mean when a man? or Women? [Archive]

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Veeja

09-06-2008, 12:25 PM

What does it mean when you are trying to communicate with your lover and he always feels attacked and gets defensive. No matter how I try an bring up a subject or talk about how something makes me feel when it's about him. I've try talking calmly,non-violent communication,creative,trying not to sound condescending ,accusatory,like he's the bad guy. Even at some point in the conversation telling him about his good points. Now I'm loosing my patience and just getting pissed. He say's he will look at something and doe's'nt do the work. I'm not perfect and I don't always say the right thing. I try to correct myself when I realize I've made a mistake. What doe's it mean when a man? When by the time the conversation is over all the chairs around the table are three feet out and he is standing in the kitchen leaning against the sink with his arms folded while your at the dinning room table. We can see each other but he's running. Then when we get no where and then he has to have alone time and go home. Even after I invite him to bed just to hold one another and not talk anymore. I'm always making things better the next day. (obviously I have my issues). By the way one of are issue's (my issue) is weve been together 2 years and I don't think it possibul for him to live with anyone. He has not lived with a women in 16 year. I'm 42. I dont necessarly need marriage but I wood like to know it's possible to get to the next level in a relationship. He really is a great guy in many other way's. Good looking,creative,motivated,hardworking,fun,he makes me laugh,we like to do a lot of the same things,listen to the same music,he passionent,great in bed. In the beginning I thought I hit the jackpot. In the beginning we fell in love very quickly. He said (there you are ,I've been looking for you my whole life). Talked about living together, marriage kids. And now I feel lied to and I feel resentful. I know he did'nt lie. We were both at fault. Anyway sorry about the ramble. I was only going to ask a question and this is what came out.

feeling hopeless
Veeja

MsTerry

09-06-2008, 03:17 PM

here are some more questions for you
Why do you try to fix a man that is already perfect?
Why do like to be with a man who has control issues?
and why is this not the first time this is happening to you?

What does it mean when you are trying to communicate with your lover and he always feels attacked and gets defensive. No matter how I try an bring up a subject or talk about how something makes me feel when it's about him. I've try talking calmly,non-violent communication,creative,trying not to sound condescending ,accusatory,like he's the bad guy. Even at some point in the conversation telling him about his good points. Now I'm loosing my patience and just getting pissed. He say's he will look at something and doe's'nt do the work. I'm not perfect and I don't always say the right thing. I try to correct myself when I realize I've made a mistake. What doe's it mean when a man? When by the time the conversation is over all the chairs around the table are three feet out and he is standing in the kitchen leaning against the sink with his arms folded while your at the dinning room table. We can see each other but he's running. Then when we get no where and then he has to have alone time and go home. Even after I invite him to bed just to hold one another and not talk anymore. I'm always making things better the next day. (obviously I have my issues). By the way one of are issue's (my issue) is weve been together 2 years and I don't think it possibul for him to live with anyone. He has not lived with a women in 16 year. I'm 42. I dont necessarly need marriage but I wood like to know it's possible to get to the next level in a relationship. He really is a great guy in many other way's. Good looking,creative,motivated,hardworking,fun,he makes me laugh,we like to do a lot of the same things,listen to the same music,he passionent,great in bed. In the beginning I thought I hit the jackpot. In the beginning we fell in love very quickly. He said (there you are ,I've been looking for you my whole life). Talked about living together, marriage kids. And now I feel lied to and I feel resentful. I know he did'nt lie. We were both at fault. Anyway sorry about the ramble. I was only going to ask a question and this is what came out.

feeling hopeless
Veeja

Veeja

09-06-2008, 03:51 PM

Thank for your questions!
This gives me something to think about. In the beginning I thought he communicated his feelings very well. And was willing to listen and process sitting next to one another. To be honest it was very new to me. I think I had control issues myself in the past.(I'm sure there still there to some extent). I'm working on being a better communicater and listener. Being a better person all around. I think once the honeymoon was over he changed. That was one of the reason I feel lied to. But I know it's deeper then that. Without going into detail. I was going through some depression from 2 unlucky years before him. Where nothing went right. Not just in relationship ,but across the board in every aspect of my life. It took some time ,but I'm a better person for it. And I feel like I'm a little wiser and can make better choices. I have no regret about most of my experences in life. I hope to keep learning from them. And no this is not the first time this has happened to me in some form or another. But I do beleive I'm making better choices in my life. But I'm still learning for myself what that looks like.

here are some more questions for you
Why do you try to fix a man that is already perfect?
Why do like to be with a man who has control issues?
and why is this not the first time this is happening to you?

MsTerry

09-06-2008, 04:15 PM

but you are wiser already!
you try to look at it from both sides
that is all we need to grow and make wise choices
good luck!

Thank for your questions!
This gives me something to think about. In the beginning I thought he communicated his feelings very well. And was willing to listen and process sitting next to one another. To be honest it was very new to me. I think I had control issues myself in the past.(I'm sure there still there to some extent). I'm working on being a better communicater and listener. Being a better person all around. I think once the honeymoon was over he changed. That was one of the reason I feel lied to. But I know it's deeper then that. Without going into detail. I was going through some depression from 2 unlucky years before him. Where nothing went right. Not just in relationship ,but across the board in every aspect of my life. It took some time ,but I'm a better person for it. And I feel like I'm a little wiser and can make better choices. I have no regret about most of my experences in life. I hope to keep learning from them. And no this is not the first time this has happened to me in some form or another. But I do beleive I'm making better choices in my life. But I'm still learning for myself what that looks like.

mykil

09-06-2008, 07:09 PM

Braggi

09-06-2008, 09:18 PM

What does it mean when you are trying to communicate with your lover and he always feels attacked and gets defensive. ...

Check this out: https://www.hsperson.com/

Hopefully you will find some wisdom there.

If not, you might want to read up on borderline personality disorder and narcissism.

Try this one: https://books.google.com/books?id=PJXvqRRkDFkC&dq=stop+walking+on+eggshells&pg=PP1&ots=vDxZ2Y5zgx&sig=XPPW2NsH3VuQ6-l2Ik0_WDCsZ4A&hl=en&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=1&ct=result#PPP1,M1

Or maybe you could look over the introductions of some of these books and see if any bells ring for you:
https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=narcissist&x=0&y=0

Good luck.

-Jeff