Setback for assholes

[Sara S]

New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes

Douchebags Consider Switching to Land Lines

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nations assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.

For years, Americas assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.

But with a new doctors warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

Tracy Klugian, 32, an asshole who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been inseparable for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.

I didnt think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, Im going to have to kiss it goodbye, he said. This totally sucks.

When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me that was awesome.

Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies the behavior of egregious assholes at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the nations douchebags.

Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this, Dr. Logsdon said. All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes.

www.Borowitzreport.com (https://www.Borowitzreport.com)
Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend:

[caputmedusae]

So according to your logic, everyone who uses a cell phone is an asshole?

[MsTerry]

As a former member of A'ole Anonymous I object to your attempt at making fun of a minority.


New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes

Douchebags Consider Switching to Land Lines

A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nations assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.

For years, Americas assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.

But with a new doctors warning that cell phone use could pose a serious health risk, many jerks and douchebags are considering changing their ways.

Tracy Klugian, 32, an asshole who works as a realtor in Tallahassee, Florida, said that he and his Bluetooth have been inseparable for the past three years, but the new health scare may change that.

I didnt think twice about using my cell when it was only annoying other people, but now that it may be harming me, Im going to have to kiss it goodbye, he said. This totally sucks.

When asked what he will miss most about his cell phone, Mr. Klugian said, I loved when it would go off in the middle of a movie and wreck the experience for everyone seated around me that was awesome.

Davis Logsdon, an anthropologist who studies the behavior of egregious assholes at the University of Minnesota, said that the cell phone scare is only the latest in a series of setbacks for the nations douchebags.

Thanks to rising gas prices, many of them have already had to give up their SUVs -- and now this, Dr. Logsdon said. All in all, this has been a tough summer for assholes.

www.Borowitzreport.com (https://www.Borowitzreport.com)
Waste Someone's Time: Forward to a Friend:

[Sara S]

Argue with Andy Borowitz, not me, he's the comedian; but I think he only was referring to the people who used their cells in an asshole-like manner.


So according to your logic, everyone who uses a cell phone is an asshole?

[alanora]

I am not certain what proportion of the population is assholic and would not assume a minority. I am hearing here that assholes are folks who believe differently than we do, and act in such a way as to cause harm or increase potential for harm to the populace......?


As a former member of A'ole Anonymous I object to your attempt at making fun of a minority.

[MsTerry]

Even though you can find an A'ole in every household, most of them are concealed. An exposed A'ole is only considered Assholic when it is shown in full public view.


I am not certain what proportion of the population is assholic and would not assume a minority. I am hearing here that assholes are folks who believe differently than we do, and act in such a way as to cause harm or increase potential for harm to the populace......?

[Lenny]

As a former member of A'ole Anonymous I object to your attempt at making fun of a minority.

And why would you want to be in a group with folks such as yourself as a member?


(T-You, Mr. Marx)

[Lenny]

So according to your logic, everyone who uses a cell phone is an asshole?

Oh, baby, tell me it just ain't so!
:thumbsup:

[MsTerry]

And why would you want to be in a group with folks such as yourself as a member?



That's right, only certain A'oles like members