sd gross
04-01-2008, 10:03 AM
Orientals Promise to Fill Monte Rio's Alleys
by Rabbit D. Klein
The long-embattled site of the old Monte Rio school on South Main Street, has been purchased by a Japanese investment group which plans on turning it into a 44-lane bowling alley with coin-operated arcade games, an indoor miniature golf course and a 1950's White Castle hamburger joint (eight for a dollar!). Home for the past three years to the Sauce Age Care Center which inherited it from the Brackish & Turbid Water company, the property was condemned and deemed unoccupiable by County water, health, vector control and incurable epidemic prevention agencies, none of which ever took action. Claiming funding for training personnel to enforce their rulings was expected to come from a bond issue "which will hopefully appear" on the ballot in November, 2006, county official stated they were "Hoping for voluntary compliance" but none had been forthcoming.
Hitachi Mitsubishi, 93-year-old chief of the cartel buying the property is bringing in architetct I.M. Pei to design the facility and claims he'll make improvements "that will leave you Caucasians wide-eyed with your heads spinning (sort of like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist")."
Planning to have huge murals done both on the wall behind the bowling alleys and on all the walls of the arcade and Golf Paradise, Mitsubishi's group has already secured the services of Richard Diebenkorn and Edward Hopper. A team of master landscape architects from Kyoto will collaborate on 100 acres of formal Oriental gardens designed to incorporate Dutch Bill creek. The creek will be criss-crossed with arched wooden bridges, studded with stone lanterns and clumps of bamboo, and damned and segmented in sections to accomodate koi, Mandarin ducks and Japanese quail - but not if the highly-vocal alliance known as "Buddies of the Creek" can help it. Spearheaded by environmental activist Brianna (Trixie) Cuttlefish, BOC insists that Dutch Bill be preserved in its present form and pledges to file suit against the billionaire conglomerate if it "so much as pulls one used condom or rusty refrigerator from our creek." "Not without gloves, anyway!" was Mitsubishi's retort when a! sked to comment on Cuttlefish's remark.
With consideration for the expected infusion of wealth the project is expected to bring to West County, PRMD and the Board of Supervisors rubber-stamped the group's permit applications and work is scheduled to begin on May 5th. Condemning the County's swift action as "biased" and "elitist", BOC and several other preservation groups plan on boycotting the luxurious facility if the County doesn't recind its actions. "They'll have their balls right here" shouted a red-faced, sign-waving Bernard Finewine, pointing to the old school building. "If our boycott doesn't have any impact," added Cuttlefish, "we're seriously considering trading our Hitachis, Toyotas and Sonys in for Stromberg-Carlsons and Desotos," or perhaps "moving en masse to Japan," added Finewine.
by Rabbit D. Klein
The long-embattled site of the old Monte Rio school on South Main Street, has been purchased by a Japanese investment group which plans on turning it into a 44-lane bowling alley with coin-operated arcade games, an indoor miniature golf course and a 1950's White Castle hamburger joint (eight for a dollar!). Home for the past three years to the Sauce Age Care Center which inherited it from the Brackish & Turbid Water company, the property was condemned and deemed unoccupiable by County water, health, vector control and incurable epidemic prevention agencies, none of which ever took action. Claiming funding for training personnel to enforce their rulings was expected to come from a bond issue "which will hopefully appear" on the ballot in November, 2006, county official stated they were "Hoping for voluntary compliance" but none had been forthcoming.
Hitachi Mitsubishi, 93-year-old chief of the cartel buying the property is bringing in architetct I.M. Pei to design the facility and claims he'll make improvements "that will leave you Caucasians wide-eyed with your heads spinning (sort of like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist")."
Planning to have huge murals done both on the wall behind the bowling alleys and on all the walls of the arcade and Golf Paradise, Mitsubishi's group has already secured the services of Richard Diebenkorn and Edward Hopper. A team of master landscape architects from Kyoto will collaborate on 100 acres of formal Oriental gardens designed to incorporate Dutch Bill creek. The creek will be criss-crossed with arched wooden bridges, studded with stone lanterns and clumps of bamboo, and damned and segmented in sections to accomodate koi, Mandarin ducks and Japanese quail - but not if the highly-vocal alliance known as "Buddies of the Creek" can help it. Spearheaded by environmental activist Brianna (Trixie) Cuttlefish, BOC insists that Dutch Bill be preserved in its present form and pledges to file suit against the billionaire conglomerate if it "so much as pulls one used condom or rusty refrigerator from our creek." "Not without gloves, anyway!" was Mitsubishi's retort when a! sked to comment on Cuttlefish's remark.
With consideration for the expected infusion of wealth the project is expected to bring to West County, PRMD and the Board of Supervisors rubber-stamped the group's permit applications and work is scheduled to begin on May 5th. Condemning the County's swift action as "biased" and "elitist", BOC and several other preservation groups plan on boycotting the luxurious facility if the County doesn't recind its actions. "They'll have their balls right here" shouted a red-faced, sign-waving Bernard Finewine, pointing to the old school building. "If our boycott doesn't have any impact," added Cuttlefish, "we're seriously considering trading our Hitachis, Toyotas and Sonys in for Stromberg-Carlsons and Desotos," or perhaps "moving en masse to Japan," added Finewine.