Men: Hidden Victims of Domestic Violence

[Zeno Swijtink]

https://www.livescience.com/health/071206-hidden-victims.html


Men: Hidden Victims of Domestic Violence
BENJAMIN RADFORD, Columnist - LiveScience.com


When most people think of domestic violence, they think of men abusing women. While that stereotype is often true, many women are also guilty of violence against their partners.

It happened just last week when Mary Delgado, a former NFL cheerleader and contestant on the reality TV show "The Bachelor," was arrested in Seminole, Florida, for attacking her fiance Byron Velvick. The couple got into an argument, and Delgado became violent, striking Velvick in the chest and face, splitting his lip. Though Velvick reportedly did not want to press charges, police arrived and arrested Delgado.

In January 2006, the wife of Indianapolis Colts cornerback Nick Harper stabbed her husband with a knife during an argument. According to police, Daniell Harper got a knife from a kitchen drawer and began waving it over her husband as he lay in bed at their Indianapolis home.

In April 2002, actress Tawny Kitaen, wife of Cleveland Indians pitcher Chuck Finley, was charged with domestic violence for beating her husband. Finley did not call the police, but a third party did after seeing the blood and bruises on Finley from his wife's attack.

Of course, this is just a small sample of cases; most women who attack and abuse their boyfriends and husbands are not famous, and neither are their victims. Domestic violence by women is very underreported. Many men are reluctant to admit that they were abused by a woman, and unless the injuries are serious or a third party intervenes, the man may simply put up with it.

Studies have shown that women assault men about as often as men assault women. While men tend to cause more damage because on average they are stronger, not all men are bigger than their partners, and women can even the odds with weapons such as knives, high heels, and sharp nails.

https://books.google.com/books?id=Gwv91956T_UC&pg=PA15&lpg=PA15&dq=%22us+national+family+violence+surveys%22&source=web&ots=7Vf2KGnTgY&sig=7T76njBlCN22prhEif0pcyea010

Men may also fear that if they fight back in self-defense, they themselves will be accused of abuse because of society's assumption that men are always the aggressor.

There are hundreds or thousands of battered women's shelters across the country, but few if any shelters for battered men who may need a safe place to stay.

In recent years, police officers have become more aware of male domestic violence victims, and many men are more willing to come forward. Stereotypes can be misleading, and domestic violence is a serious crime that should not be tolerated whether the victim is male or female.

[AnnaLisaW]

Zeno makes some excellent points about Domestic Violence. I have often heard men bemoan that fact that there are no shelters for men who are as likely to become victims of domestic as women.* The Women's shelters were started by women for women in what was a male donimated society. To this day, they are still largely staffed by female volunteers. I think there should be shelters for men as well that are started and staffed by male volunteers.
What I feel is even more important than treating the results of domestic violence is treating the cause. I would like to see mandatory anger management classes for high schoolers before they are allowed to create homes where violence is tolerated. Physical violence is nearly always preceded by verbal violence* and women are the perpetrators at least as often as men. Verbal violence is rampant in American homes and it is basically legal. A parent can say pretty much anything they want to their children or spouses and no one intervenes. If I call my co-worker a worthless piece of @#^&, I can be sued. If I say it to my child, people just walk away. Berating a loved one can leave deeper, more lasting scars than a physical beating and too many victims don't even recognize verbal abuse as violence.* Too many children grow up thinking that it is okay to be vicious with words as long as you don't hit anyone. Anger management classes are a boon to victims of domestic abuse because it gives them the psychological tools to recognize abuse and protect themselves without harming others.
I spent two months in a battered women's shelter and I realized that in most cases the abuse went both ways. What really bothered me was how the women kept trying to tell me it wasn't my fault or it wasn't their fault. All someone had to do was listen to the way they talked to their children to know that wasn't true. Most of us did not know how to communicate when angry without violence. We learn to communicate mostly from our parents. If they were verbally abusive, we are likely to continue it in our own homes. For that reason, I think it is vital to teach children how to express anger without hurting each other. If their parents can't teach them at home, why can't we teach them in school, before they have their own children?

-AnnaLisa

*Violence can be emotional, mental or physical and it can be inflicted with words as well as fists.

[hales]

AnnaLisa, You made some excellent points, IMO.. thank you for being willing to look at both sides of the problem. I think if more people were willing to do this it would really help alleviate violence in families. If you suffered abuse, I am sorry, though you seem to have taken away a good perspective from your experiences!

In my experience, it's important for each individual to take responsibility for breaking the chains of neglect, violence and abuse, on whatever level they exist. When one blames someone else, there is often a "shadow" effect.. and a subtle or not so subtle denial of responsibility.

I think that even if someone is truly a "victim", it still makes sense to take the responsibility to get help, get away, or whatever needs to happen to interrupt and shed light on the bad pattern. Likewise, it's important to really try to understand all sides of the equation, otherwise it's just a matter of changing the appearance of the abuse, not getting to the cause as you suggested.

(I just read where a person was killed in a trailer park, in Lake County, because a neighbor thought he was a child-abuser.. (the man had served 20 years in prison for a sex-related crime, with an adult female, I believe.)

https://www1.pressdemocrat.com/article/20071211/NEWS/712110364/1033/NEWS01

The killer was trying to protect his son, who had been abused by someone else. It turned out the guy was not a child abuser, the confusion was due to a web-site that identified him as a registered sex-offender, but the penal codes did not differentiate between the child molester and an abuser of a woman. ) Now the sex-offender is dead and the kid will not have a father around, depending on the outcome of the trial.

Your suggestions about anger management and communications classes for kids (as well as abuse victims, as well as perpetrators!) are very appropriate. :thumbsup:

Peace starts at home, as they say.. thanks again!

Scott.


Zeno makes some excellent points about Domestic Violence. I have often heard men bemoan that fact that there are no shelters for men who are as likely to become victims of domestic as women.* The Women's shelters were started by women for women in what was a male donimated society. To this day, they are still largely staffed by female volunteers. I think there should be shelters for men as well that are started and staffed by male volunteers.
What I feel is even more important than treating the results of domestic violence is treating the cause. I would like to see mandatory anger management classes for high schoolers before they are allowed to create homes where violence is tolerated. Physical violence is nearly always preceded by verbal violence* and women are the perpetrators at least as often as men. Verbal violence is rampant in American homes and it is basically legal. A parent can say pretty much anything they want to their children or spouses and no one intervenes. If I call my co-worker a worthless piece of @#^&, I can be sued. If I say it to my child, people just walk away. Berating a loved one can leave deeper, more lasting scars than a physical beating and too many victims don't even recognize verbal abuse as violence.* Too many children grow up thinking that it is okay to be vicious with words as long as you don't hit anyone. Anger management classes are a boon to victims of domestic abuse because it gives them the psychological tools to recognize abuse and protect themselves without harming others.
I spent two months in a battered women's shelter and I realized that in most cases the abuse went both ways. What really bothered me was how the women kept trying to tell me it wasn't my fault or it wasn't their fault. All someone had to do was listen to the way they talked to their children to know that wasn't true. Most of us did not know how to communicate when angry without violence. We learn to communicate mostly from our parents. If they were verbally abusive, we are likely to continue it in our own homes. For that reason, I think it is vital to teach children how to express anger without hurting each other. If their parents can't teach them at home, why can't we teach them in school, before they have their own children?

-AnnaLisa

*Violence can be emotional, mental or physical and it can be inflicted with words as well as fists.