Larissad
07-22-2007, 06:33 AM
A couple of days ago I arrived back home in California after having been in Pittsburgh for my youngest sister's bridal shower. My trip, including travel, lasted 6 days. It's good to be back home with the comfort of my own pillow, and my hubby within reach, but leaving Pittsburgh always tears at my heart.
With travel so expensive I don't go back to visit as much as I (or my family) would like. Once a year or every other year is about as frequent as we can afford. I also need to split my visits between Pittsburgh and Detroit because while I am from Pittsburgh and that is where most of my family lives, my Mom and Dad live in the metro Detroit area...where I went to high school and college. This year is a special case since my sister is getting married in the Detroit area; so I will actually have visited both places by the end of August. (Talk about expensive! I guess we'll be putting off that European vacation we've been wanting to take to visit my husband's family for at least one more year. Sorry guys.)
Families are a complex tapestry of personalities, history, traditions, stories and secrets. With each passing year new patterns and textures are added and through marriage the tapestries of other families are hooked in and included. The resulting piece can be a smothering rag over your face as well as a familiar and comforting security blanket, often both at the same time. Figuring out which, and taking responsibility for threads that are ours in our family tapestry can be as painful as it can be liberating. Allowing flaws and snags to exist in the weave is what makes our family's tapestry unique and beautiful. It is a rare moment that any of us can step back and look over the tapestry as a whole to take in and appreciate the overall effect. Most days we are too caught up in our present stitch and those stitching to either side of us to notice the great beauty we are part of. Even within a sad story there is always beauty to be found in small acts of kindness, compassion and heroics. Often, the most beautiful stories are also the most tragic. As we prepare as a family for my sister's upcoming nuptials we are actually in the process of "hooking in" the tapestry of her fiance's family to our own.
This celebration is a right of passage not only for my sister, but for my entire immediate family, as she is the last of us three sisters to choose a husband. Dynamics are shifting for all of us. For us three sisters it is a return to a kind of sameness or equity; all three of us will now be matrons working on our own panel of the tapestry separate from, though connected to and influenced by the panel of our Mother. Finishing off the necessary threads for a smooth transition can be a challenge.
Whether she is aware of it or not (and I'm pretty sure she is), our Mother is being heavily influenced by the shift as well. No longer will she be choosing the threads for any of her daughters' warps and letting go of that control can be painful. But hopefully she will find comfort in the knowledge that the strong weft that she has passed on to each of us will remain the stable base for our weaving. As for Dad, well, I think of him as the stool that my Mother sits on as she weaves. She used to have to share that stool with me and my sisters as we watched and learned all the stitches, but now she has that space all to herself to stretch out and create new and more beautiful stitches. We will still be watching and learning from her, just not at her hip any longer. In addition to giving up control of our warps my Mother also has to watch all of her girls take lessons and learn stitches from women new to the family tapestry. Mothers-In-Law have much to offer and enrich our warp, but our skill and knowledge of the weft will always remain the legacy of our Mother.
While at the bridal shower it was hard not to feel the excitement over this joining. All the women were anxious to help and be part of everything. Younger women, the Maids, not yet married, watched and learned what to look forward to when their time comes, happy for the Bride if not also a little jealous. Slightly older women, married and of childbearing age, the Matrons, buzzed about doing this and that to make sure that the Bride was prepared. The oldest women, those who may be married, widowed or divorced and are no longer of childbearing age, the Crones, were there too; monuments to the institution of marriage and all the different paths a new Matron can take. Instead of busying like bees about the Bride, the Crones sat patiently waiting for the Bride to pay her respects by asking for their wisdom. And through it all we ate, laughed, cried, took pictures and hugged. A shower is a time to put aside any and all animosities and come together to do what only women can for each other.
My hope for my sister is that she is able to step back in this moment and get a good look at the tapestry that lay behind her so she may appreciate it's beauty and acknowledge the influence it has on her every day. Oh, and Of course I also hope that her marriage flourishes so that her tapestry is as beautiful as it possibly can be. But I guess I shouldn't worry too much. Sixty-two women made it out to the shower, and with all that support how could it be any other way?
With travel so expensive I don't go back to visit as much as I (or my family) would like. Once a year or every other year is about as frequent as we can afford. I also need to split my visits between Pittsburgh and Detroit because while I am from Pittsburgh and that is where most of my family lives, my Mom and Dad live in the metro Detroit area...where I went to high school and college. This year is a special case since my sister is getting married in the Detroit area; so I will actually have visited both places by the end of August. (Talk about expensive! I guess we'll be putting off that European vacation we've been wanting to take to visit my husband's family for at least one more year. Sorry guys.)
Families are a complex tapestry of personalities, history, traditions, stories and secrets. With each passing year new patterns and textures are added and through marriage the tapestries of other families are hooked in and included. The resulting piece can be a smothering rag over your face as well as a familiar and comforting security blanket, often both at the same time. Figuring out which, and taking responsibility for threads that are ours in our family tapestry can be as painful as it can be liberating. Allowing flaws and snags to exist in the weave is what makes our family's tapestry unique and beautiful. It is a rare moment that any of us can step back and look over the tapestry as a whole to take in and appreciate the overall effect. Most days we are too caught up in our present stitch and those stitching to either side of us to notice the great beauty we are part of. Even within a sad story there is always beauty to be found in small acts of kindness, compassion and heroics. Often, the most beautiful stories are also the most tragic. As we prepare as a family for my sister's upcoming nuptials we are actually in the process of "hooking in" the tapestry of her fiance's family to our own.
This celebration is a right of passage not only for my sister, but for my entire immediate family, as she is the last of us three sisters to choose a husband. Dynamics are shifting for all of us. For us three sisters it is a return to a kind of sameness or equity; all three of us will now be matrons working on our own panel of the tapestry separate from, though connected to and influenced by the panel of our Mother. Finishing off the necessary threads for a smooth transition can be a challenge.
Whether she is aware of it or not (and I'm pretty sure she is), our Mother is being heavily influenced by the shift as well. No longer will she be choosing the threads for any of her daughters' warps and letting go of that control can be painful. But hopefully she will find comfort in the knowledge that the strong weft that she has passed on to each of us will remain the stable base for our weaving. As for Dad, well, I think of him as the stool that my Mother sits on as she weaves. She used to have to share that stool with me and my sisters as we watched and learned all the stitches, but now she has that space all to herself to stretch out and create new and more beautiful stitches. We will still be watching and learning from her, just not at her hip any longer. In addition to giving up control of our warps my Mother also has to watch all of her girls take lessons and learn stitches from women new to the family tapestry. Mothers-In-Law have much to offer and enrich our warp, but our skill and knowledge of the weft will always remain the legacy of our Mother.
While at the bridal shower it was hard not to feel the excitement over this joining. All the women were anxious to help and be part of everything. Younger women, the Maids, not yet married, watched and learned what to look forward to when their time comes, happy for the Bride if not also a little jealous. Slightly older women, married and of childbearing age, the Matrons, buzzed about doing this and that to make sure that the Bride was prepared. The oldest women, those who may be married, widowed or divorced and are no longer of childbearing age, the Crones, were there too; monuments to the institution of marriage and all the different paths a new Matron can take. Instead of busying like bees about the Bride, the Crones sat patiently waiting for the Bride to pay her respects by asking for their wisdom. And through it all we ate, laughed, cried, took pictures and hugged. A shower is a time to put aside any and all animosities and come together to do what only women can for each other.
My hope for my sister is that she is able to step back in this moment and get a good look at the tapestry that lay behind her so she may appreciate it's beauty and acknowledge the influence it has on her every day. Oh, and Of course I also hope that her marriage flourishes so that her tapestry is as beautiful as it possibly can be. But I guess I shouldn't worry too much. Sixty-two women made it out to the shower, and with all that support how could it be any other way?