So what is the proper way to raise a child/children?

[mykil]

So what is the proper way to raise a child/children?
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:idea: One of my lovely girlfriends has a couple of little girls that walk over her at ever turn, they are five and seven, I tell her over and over to not let them do this. Her only response is that they are just so cute and adorable that she can’t get mad at them or even argue any point with them at all. She dresses them like they are her little Barbie’s. When they scribble all over the wall she just asks them to stop and this really doesn’t work. :hmmm:
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AS many of you may know I have three children I raised by myself, Mara, my ex, started using really heavily and I asked her to stop or go, she chose to go, leaving behind her wonderful thirteen year old daughter that I raised since she was born, :fairy: Joelle, and my two lovely children whom where five and six at the time, Lily and Jake. Making numerous mistakes over and over again. I have learned allot over the years and conceder myself a professional at raising children at this point in my life. If I had to do it all over again I would really be allot better at it is what I think I am trying to say! Besides raising the three I had, there were numerous other children :lotsopeople: that I raised that were just around at the time that basically lived with me. I had a steady household that I maintained for Twenty years in Forestville, till all the children were gone. All the children loved and adored me, even when they were upset and mad at me they still begged me to cook for them, [they still do], I am a really good cook!:ew:
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:rainbow: Somehow, I am not sure how, all the children I have raised turned out wonderful. None have criminal backgrounds, none has a drug addiction, all have fairly decent jobs, and all seem to be extremely bright intelligent individuals that love life and want to stick around and make a difference. I think if I knew then what I know now, they would have even been one hell of allot better! Since my motto has always been “it take the whole community to raise a child”, I think we should discuss how the proper way would be, and share some valued information with the ones that really need help, and are willing to except help, in this field. Although I am a bit over zealous at times, I did and do take raising children seriously beyond any other aspect in life. We are only getting better and wiser as a society! WE need not let this turn around and go the opposite direction!:sun:
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The One thing that really sticks out that people don’t seem to get is; you can’t change your child, they are born the way they are, get used to it. This is the little person they will be no matter how hard you try to change them. You are really only doing more emotional trauma than anything else when you fight whom they are. Learn to cope with the way they are and work around this fact. This is really a real little person with real feeling, real sense of life that you have no control of changing. You may mold your children’s emotions, yet the little dude or dudette has an awesome perspective of his/her own and can’t change who they are no more than a zebra can change its stripes.:fire: :Jesus: :batman: :pharoh: :santa: :loneranger: :joker: :shadesmirk: :smkdev: :conehead: :hippie: :bandhead: :king: :darth: :rocker: :princesssmilie: :magician: :policeman: :pinkflwrhat: :actor: :Reindeer: :skateboarder: :confucious: :peaceman: :anon: :bbs: :bunny: :scaredgirl: :shades:
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On another note, it is easier to make a friend of your child at a young age and have a friendship through out the entire childhood than it is to have a pet, a Barbie doll, an enemy, an opponent that will try to distract your every move at ever point in time.:justface:
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With a friend you can reason with, you can go to festivals and not worry about you child being embarrassed that you are around, you can take in a movie that you both want to see, you can just do so much more with a friend. All three of my children went to Tribal Techno with me at Harmony Fest. And we all had a blast beyond words. We go every year!:dowave:
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AS I stated earlier, I myself believe it take a village to raise a child. With this in mind I would ask any questions or problems with child/children to be asked of us all, many answers have good results as there are a lot of wonderful and amusing antidotes in this wonderful community we all live and breath in, and we all want the best for our children in this life we lead. I have felt the presence of more children coming my way for some time now. I have just become aware of many that I will be sharing in my life with, raising more children once again. What else do I have to do with my life? So I myself might be asking allot of your opinions! :idunno:

[ThePhiant]

MeKill

that is quite admirable that you raised THREE kids all by your self.
maybe you can share with us how you did this financially?
how did you handle summer vacation and a job?
how did you juggle 3 different grades in school?
all of this single handedly?
where you a happy guy back then too? or is this a result of the kids leaving?
I WANT TO KNOW!

oh and where you driving those kids around without a license?


...AS many of you may know I have three children I raised by myself...

[Nirmala]

Children need lots of love and they need to learn ethical behavior. It doesn't help a child to give them no boundaries. It teaches them to be self serving and imagine that the world is out to serve them as well. Raising children takes enormous patience. You have to know clearly the qualities you want to nurture in your child and then keep directing and redirecting them. Some parents I've seen give way too much intervention, always correcting/criticizing and others go the other way setting no limits. I've found the middle way works the best. Using your example of writing on the wall, that is a definite no. The redirection is simple, here are crayons and paper, this is where we draw. Children need to learn to respect you and themselves and each other. This translates as sharing, taking turns, not hitting, not talking in a mean way, not calling names, taking care of their own things and other peoples things. So walls are not for drawing. At ages 5 and 7 they need to put toys away when they are finished, come when they are called. Eat their dinner, learn to take no graciously (this is a tough one, but worth gently working on) go to bed when its time and so forth. By not demanding anything, foolishly thinking they are only children once, why should they have to clean their own rooms, is not giving them a gift. One of the ways good self esteem develops is by feeling good about completing a task successfully. This doesn't mean people are only worthy because of what they do. The underlying belief the parent needs to hold is that we are all worthy simply by virtue of our birth as human beings. We're okay as we are and we can also learn a few things. So I love you because you are you and thanks for putting your toys away. Both are needed for good self esteem. Enough said and great job for raising those kids by yourself.

[HolisticKids]

I agree that children need some boundaries, but the most important thing they need is connection. I've written this article on my idea of healthy parenting.

https://www.healthychild.com/parenting-children-potential.html


[quote=Nirmala;31714]Children need lots of love and they need to learn ethical behavior. It doesn't help a child to give them no boundaries.

[Moon]

Congratulations, and thanks from those of us who may be in the care of some of your children when we're in
nursing homes.
I don't know where one member's question "...without a license?" came from.
As a former grade school teacher, i believe the best single work on child rearing i've ever read is Summerhill.
In fact, i recommend anything by A.S. Neill, as well as anything by Mimsy Sadofsky, Daniel Greenberg and/or Hannah Greenberg. The latter three write primarily about children in a school setting, but the principles they set forth apply everywhere. Read and read and read. Look at research; for instance, my friend Sita recently told me the huge majority
of adults who were forced to eat something as children have food issues, while a tiny minority of those who were not have food issues.

[ThePhiant]

since you are unwilling or unable to answer my previous questions either in private or public, let my raise some other issues.

apparently you're telling one of your "girlfriends" how to raise her own children.
now did she ask you for your mentoring or is this one of your happy contributions to society?
you feel that her daughters are walking all over her.
WOWowowwoowhat?
aren't you using their mother as a doormat?
what do you think YOU are teaching these girls about men?


MeKill

that is quite admirable that you raised THREE kids all by your self.
maybe you can share with us how you did this financially?
how did you handle summer vacation and a job?
how did you juggle 3 different grades in school?
all of this single handedly?
where you a happy guy back then too? or is this a result of the kids leaving?
I WANT TO KNOW!

oh and where you driving those kids around without a license?

[mykil]

Hi ThePhiant; I am sooo glad you can contribute to the thread in a proper manner! Maybe you can share so good ways in which a child should be properly raised? Yes? You have two? Is this correct? Where do they go to school? How do you discipline them? Do they walk all over you? Do you scold them like you write? <o:p></o:p>
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[ThePhiant]

Hi MightKill,

I'm still waiting for any decent advice coming from someone, who is happy to confess to being a professional in regards to being a parent.
personally, I haven't found any "proper" way to raise my children.
I have found that some things work better than others, but definitely not all the time, and the same things don't work for boys as they do for girls.

in the sixties they used to say that boys and girls should have the same toys under the feminist equality clause.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGUS

now it is your turn, spanking boy


Hi ThePhiant; I am sooo glad you can contribute to the tread in a proper manner! Maybe you can share so good ways in which a child should be properly raised? Yes? You have two? Is this correct? Where do they go to school? How do you discipline them? Do they walk all over you? Do you scold them like you write? <o:p></o:p>
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[Shan]

LOL How can such a fascinating thread go awry so easily?

I have a feeling that if I ever met ThePhiant or Mykil I would love ya both!

For me, the boundaries of parenting are both fluid and firm depending on age, safety and timing. I have 3 kids ages 8, 4, and 2. They each have individual quirks and personalities and require different types of guidance, education, socialization, boundaries ect... For example, when facing new situations, my oldest is best served with reminders of expectations prior to the activitiy or event and praise for a job well done. My middle son needs more preparation, enviromental filtering, guidance throughout the activity and praise afterwards. My youngest daughter needs simple words to explain what is happening, guidance throughout the event and praise for good behavior

In general though, all my kids respond well to advanced discussion of expectations, and reminders in the moment, and positive outcome afterwards (such as compliment, tangible reward or special privileges) If the kids are not meeting expectations, I reflect first on whether or not my expectations were reasonable before imposing "natural consequences"

Several old slogans come to mind as i think about child rearing:

Be curious not furious (when looking into the cause of their behavior because this allows me to get to the root of things and ultimately find ways to improve situations that I find unacceptable)


Children would rather be praised than punished, but they would rather be punished than ignored.

and of course... If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. This reminds me to take care of myself, and have reasonable expectations for myself and those around me, and to behave in a way that instills a sense of respect among all of us.

Of course, these are my ideal ideas... and my humanness sometimes interferes with these ideas.... And yes, that is another slogan...Admit to being human.

[ThePhiant]

very well said Shan.
and I agree, it is easy to remember our own guidelines on a good day
but are you a single parent and doing double duty?



LOL How can such a fascinating thread go awry so easily?

I have a feeling that if I ever met ThePhiant or Mykil I would love ya both!

For me, the boundaries of parenting are both fluid and firm depending on age, safety and timing. ...

[Shan]

I am married, but my husband is disabled from a work related injury. His ability to participate in household/child rearing activities are quite limited... as is our financial situation! Our children are subject to unique family experiences from the disabilities in our family, limited income, my return to college after a 10 year absence, and our open discussions about politics, religion, social values ect.....

[ThePhiant]

well, it sounds like some people are doing triple duty!
it's easier to look for solutions than to complain, it makes you sink faster.
I wrote to Mykil; there are 2 things a single parent doesn't have enough of:
money and time. the third one comes as a result- lack of sleep
good night



I am married, but my husband is disabled from a work related injury. His ability to participate in household/child rearing activities are quite limited... as is our financial situation! Our children are subject to unique family experiences from the disabilities in our family, limited income, my return to college after a 10 year absence, and our open discussions about politics, religion, social values ect.....

[Shan]

Seems that way sometimes... but I work hard at having a good attitude, because attitudes are contagious!

I am envious of the results of Mykil's parenting... I hope the future holds similar good fortune with my own children. These days, my middle child says he is never going to leave me..... is this a threat? hehehehe


well, it sounds like some people are doing triple duty!
it's easier to look for solutions than to complain, it makes you sink faster.
I wrote to Mykil; there are 2 things a single parent doesn't have enough of:
money and time. the third one comes as a result- lack of sleep
good night

[shelleysworld1]

Unfortunately children don't come with manual, but they do come with unconditional.

After raising 5 myself, and currently assisting a family who's children were stolen by a mother addicted, who allowed the oldest to raise them as a 6 year old until three years ago, I am teaching them the basic skills of being a family.

Dad works and isn't home to teach them and they are also at the rebellious age. I am working on team work and daily home survival skills with them. They are eager for attention from a women and I fell in love with them immediately, but they know I am not a women trying to become the mom in their home. I am attached to dad's co worker, and therefore don't need to call dad when they defy me. I just continue patiently to show them the new rules, and consistency they have never known.

How working together is what a family does, and fighting, vandalism of their home, and disrespect aren't how to survive. They have many miles to go, but I am there to provide what dad has so hard tried to but can't while at work.

I, have within a weeks time become a confidant, instructor, behavior consultant, modifier, and scheduler.

Children first need to be taught to follow caretaker instructions, and to not be treated as to cute to discipline. If they are they will grow up trying to manipulate all, and not be functioning adults when they leave the nest.

My children were taught to mind, I did not reason with them. Rules were regular as were consequences for violation of such. And the consistency no matter if I was to tired or not. Also to respect them, their space, and to spend quality time with each and as a family. I also believe eating at the table as a family is one of the most important family rituals. It brings all together daily, no interruptions, and it is a time to enjoy each others day and to enjoy a family meal.

My kids learned chores starting at age 3, assisting in table setting, so meal prep was a family affair, as was cleaning up afterwards. I was raised where only girls did dishes and kitchen duty for a week was horrendous with a large family. I hated it. My only rule is cook does not do dishes on cook night.

Assigning dinner nights to each family member, and adjusting the work load according to age is very rewarding and builds their self esteem.

My charges had a family dinner I believe for the first time since they were very little at the dinner table as a family. It was not pork chops and chili, but chili, salad, deviled eggs, home made cornbread, and fresh steamed broccoli, made by Sami the 15 year old family rebel. It was a simple. but enjoyable dinner that gave her so much pride, having been made with my instructions and help. She didn't know anything about cooking or cleaning up while cooking, so when the family came to the table, joy on their faces, and the realization by Sami that she was so loved for such a marvelous family meal.. We took our exit while the sat and began eating, with instructions on the clean up, and assigned tasks. Will find out Monday what the results of the evening were.

[shelleysworld1]

ThePhiant,

I raised five for two years on my own.....

I did not have enough money, had to live in a trailer trash park.

I struggled but we survived. Two oldest are now in college, one third year, second starting pre-med.

Finding the right support as a single parent is the most important need. Trying without it is what brings the parent to the brink. I did have the support til my mom passed away.

I am thankful for my best friend and mate who took on the five and me with two of his own. We still did not have lots of money, but we had lots of fun, love and each other. We also gained new grandparents, and he has been a single parent of troubled boys for ten years. I learned more from him then from any other source.

Having a others is the key... Especially if no child support is ever paid.


Shelley