My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied," In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single
men. It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says," Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
----------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
</PRE>
ThePhiant
05-19-2007, 05:11 PM
ROTFLMAO!!
but Mykil if this is how you think, then you will always be happy and alone.....
love
:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart: :heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
your LuLu
"Something About Wives"
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
-----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
------------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied," In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
--------------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
-----------------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single
men. It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
-----------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says," Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
----------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
mykil
05-20-2007, 01:14 PM
Ponderisms
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Does anyone ever wonder who gave me the Address to this site?
mykil
05-31-2007, 02:41 PM
One Liners
Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
suffering.
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely
ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line
pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the
cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked
sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great
if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor
and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young
man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45
minutes." They were seated immediately.
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the
aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews
responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her
father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your
casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what
would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my young, beautiful, sexy wife
is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar an d picks up
men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy! What
do you think I
should do?"
Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell
me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
mykil
05-31-2007, 02:42 PM
Doctor's Orders
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less,
please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of
foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I
should drink Less."
mykil
05-31-2007, 03:09 PM
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
"10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-....".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
8. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
9. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN.
WE ALL NEED a SMILE!
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind
of battle." </PRE>
mykil
05-31-2007, 03:11 PM
It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on. The
thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United States
running for an elective office is truly amazing.
In New York City, everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!"
Bumper sticker on his/her/it’s car.
Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front.
mykil
05-31-2007, 03:14 PM
After three years of marriage, this woman is still
questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,
"How many women have you slept with?"
"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."
She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to
tell her.
"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers,
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."
shelleysworld1
05-31-2007, 07:47 PM
After three years of marriage, this woman is still
questioning her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time,
"How many women have you slept with?"
"Darling," he protests, "If I told you, you'd have a fit."
She promises she won't get angry and convinces him to
tell her.
"Okay," he says, then starts to count on his fingers,
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen..."
So Myky - Where do you get all these amazing Jokes. HMMMM I wonder.
Shelakashotohsohot.......
mykil
05-31-2007, 11:23 PM
Dearest Shelly; Welcome to Wacco you ole bat you!!!<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
I was almost afraid to give the site address to you knowing what it might entail! Peace, and you may continue my quest to keep people laughing out load, please post all your stupid jokes her and quit sending them to me!!!!! Thus cutting out the extremely talented and handsome, [way cuter that you] middleman!!! Oh and Barry [mayor of waccville] only allows bad taste it this section of the forum, so please obey or you might get us in trouble!<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
So Myky - Where do you get all these amazing Jokes. HMMMM I wonder.
Shelakashotohsohot.......
shelleysworld1
06-01-2007, 06:19 AM
Myky.
I only send stupid jokes. I am smart enough not to post them... So you may be cute, but I am way, way hotter then you.
Shelley
mykil
06-04-2007, 01:46 PM
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They
decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time,
so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They
said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly,
I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the Morning,
same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"man,what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that
Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly
ex-football player, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast
bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't
believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we
got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him
good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
Sara S
06-06-2007, 06:08 AM
Hi, Mykil (you really cute guy, you):
Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic agnostic?
He was really afraid that there was no such thing as a dog.
mykil
06-14-2007, 02:44 PM
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is the difference between
a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the
Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between
a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between
a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between
a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women
they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between
a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
!
What did the blonde say when
she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to
move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult
to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education
classes in Redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong
What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the
flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between
a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal
on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little
80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between
a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
~~~
~~~
A education you also get from these interesting things when you have sons!
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and
a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint
can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-
year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department inAustin , TX has a 5-minute response
time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their
friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
~~~
N6XY
How to treat a woman:
Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.!
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How To Treat a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings.
Don't block the TV.
~
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty ."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
~~~
Rednecks
A couple of rednecks went on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about"? the second replied. "It's a rental."
~~~
N6xy
ABBOTT AND COSTELLO:
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, but too old to
really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, enjoy, reflect and remember what
real comedians were like. Those of you who are too young to remember this
hilarious duo should make every attempt to watch their videos, DVD's or
search for them on the "oldies" TV channel. It will be worth your time to
really laugh.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who' s on First?" might have gone something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"
~~~
A married Cajun went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almos had de affair wid annuder woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Cajun said, "Well, we get undress and rub together, but den I stop." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50.00 in the poor box."
The Cajun left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,"I saw that". You didn't put any money in the poor box! The Cajun replied, "Yeah fadder, but me..I rub de $50.00 on de box, and cordin' to you, that be de same as puttin' it in."
~~~
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was
God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an
American
Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He had 12 drinking buddies.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He had no visible means of support.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a
woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
do.
AMEN
~~~
ONZ
Quickie #1
One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed
in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Quickie #2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and
ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff
or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
~~~
N6XY
Subject: politically corect termoniology
Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please not: We all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed that the Islamic Terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, are upset and do not like to be called "TOWEL HEADS"since the item that they wear on their heads is not actually a towel, but in fact, a small folded sheet.
Therefore from this point, and to be politically correct, please refer to them as "Little Sheet Heads!!!!"
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter. This may improve our relationships with our Islamic Little Sheet Head Camel Jockeys
Dick
~~~
KD7KH afact!
Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells?
Read this email to the end; you'll love it!!
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
And bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now, the twist to the story
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.
The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains.
The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.
The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.
And -
You thought being a FRENCH HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
~~~
ONZ
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving. The female officer
tells the man,
"Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can
and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits"
~~~
Dwight 10-23-06
Subject: Two Old Geezers
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH
BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
THEM. THEY WON'T EVEN KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.
AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS
DEAD!" "DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, SHE NEVER
MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK -- AND THEN I
GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE ON HER BUTT, SHE FARTED ONCE AND FLEW OUT THE
;WINDOW."
~~~
TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR-HAIRED CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY. FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME. SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:
SELDOM BIN LAYED
~~~
A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party. He does not know what costume to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a costume outfitter to explain his dilemma. A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will real ly look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is thoroughly upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next week he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:
Dear Sir,
Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
~~~
Isaiah 40:31
Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)
****
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband--Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
**
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either! " and he storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
****
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four.
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
****
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
~~~
Bud
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their
diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources
rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you
can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any
employees." The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and
I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the
whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals
all shook their heads, "No."
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose
hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been
eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to
go and eat someone who actually does something!"
~~~
Mr. and Mrs. Fenton are retired. Mrs. Fenton insists that he go with her
to Walmart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in
and get out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to
her from the store.Dear Mrs. Fenton:
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may ban
both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our
video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are
listed below.
Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares... and watched what happened.
5. Aug 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.
6. Sept 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Sept 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. Sept 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him him, he begins to cry
and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. Oct 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror,
and picked his nose.
10. Nov 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the
clerk if he knows where to find the antidepressants.
11. Dec 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. Dec 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.
13. Dec 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. Dec 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes
the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
And last, but not least ....
15. Dec 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door waited awhile, then
yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
~~~
Subject: FW: Trivia
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour: 61,000
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
~~~
ONZ
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to
have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach
lining. Chinese Food is loaded with MSG. High fat
diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes
the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in
the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
~~~
ONZ
What causes arthritis?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next
to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to The priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, Being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"
Then he returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what He had said, nudged the man and
apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."
~~~
ONZ
What is 100%?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer
these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard
Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
~~~
A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get hold of the rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hang-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
OR
"If you're a Harley chick you can get picked up by a guy hung like a horse"
~~~
THE CATHOLIC DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a
mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for
the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough
to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone....
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I will if I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
CONFESSION
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitchhi king. We went to a motel, where I had sex
witheach of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What sins? What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
BROTHEL TRIP
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and
asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don' t you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
SE NILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting
senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget
to zip down."
PEST CONTROL
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed
him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B -Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards!"
~~~
A Righteous Marine
A United States Marine was attending some college courses between
assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of
the courses had a professor who was avowed atheist and a member of the
ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked
to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want
you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still
waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine
got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him;
knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.
The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other
students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the
Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you
do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting
America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit
and act like an ass hole. So, He sent me."
~~~
N6XY
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, ??? how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to
find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it
was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll? Down
Month 1
2
3
4
5
6
7
7
8
9. You got A Male!
~~~
KIW
I have a 60 lb. Amercian Staffordshire terrier mix. I was buying a large bag
of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked
if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting
the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up
in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.
I said to her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
butt and a car hit both of us.
~~~
BettyU
Subject: cat/New Year's Eve
You Don't Need To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve
Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering
machine on, covered our pet Parakeet and put the cat in the
backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The
taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the
cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting
in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the
house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the
taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs
to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later he gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so
long," he said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was
hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get
her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by
the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cab driver ran into a parked car...
B UC
~~~Why you don't want to be a tree hugger!
While walking through a park in eastern Kentucky, a man came upon another
man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he
inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm
listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You gotta
be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably
curious, the man says, "Well, OK......" So he wrapped his arms around
the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys,
then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover
strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked,
"What the heck happened to You?" He told the guy the whole terrible
story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the
other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed
him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day,
cupcake..."
~~~
GM jr
SPECIAL FORCES
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of
a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF) .
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Montana and Texas boys will be
dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don 't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
~~~
N6XY
An atheist was walking through the woods.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as
fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear
was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell
on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was
right! on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my
existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to
cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to
count you as a believer"?
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to
suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the
BEAR a Christian"?
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his
right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through
Christ our Lord, Amen
~~~
Frank
ALIEN INVASION
From Cannonball Dent
This will help to clarify a LOT!
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and
cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known
incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force
and the federal government.
However, you may NOT know that in the month of March, 1948, nine
months after that historic day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary
Rodham, John F. Kerry, William Jefferson Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy
Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, and Barbara Boxer were
born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep.. This piece of
information may clear up a lot of things.
~~~
Headlines?
Dogs Get OK to Eat on Restaurant Patios (I guess they can't be ate in the restaurants)
~~~
Dwight UC
Bubba . . ..
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I
think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk
to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever
come to see about those fears you were having?", asked the psychiatrist.
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!"
~~~
CLB
Airline cabin announcements
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, wh en a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA! "
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight att! endant o n a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane , make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleas ed to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline 's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the fl ight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
! 16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammer ed his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the officer. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing You should see the back of mine."
~~~
KIW
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
* A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show youA -flat miner.
* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture: a jab well done
~~~
Subject: Fw: Creation Explained
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
~~~
ONZ
Husband tells wife..."I'll bet you cannot tell me something that will make me happy
and sad at the same time.."
"Sure I can," she says. "Your dick is bigger than your brother's."
~~~
CharleenB
The Blondes Are Back!
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.
***************
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
escalators for over four hours.
*****************
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun.
He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to
roll up the windows first.
****************
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while
covering the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor,
in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered
up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire
frames."
**************
A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver
thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and
some things cold."
"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she
bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee."
***************
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls
and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and
finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
"******************
Saved the Best for Last!
This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around. This should make
all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something
nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a
cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its
features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her
astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said,
"how do you like your new phone?"
OH it's really nice but how did you know I was at Walmart?
~~~
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blondecowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt .. so I did.Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".And here I am!
Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist!
~~~
6-Year-Old’s Wedding Plans
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
“That's a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”
“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.
“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.”
“We've thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.
“We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!”
~~~
GM JR
Subject: Arkansas
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New
York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest
story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote
areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.>
deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would
be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country
farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon)
agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event
in his life had made him the happiest?>
Farmer Mahon replied, "One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all
formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to
the farmer that lost it." "I can't print that," said the reporter, "Is
there another event that made you really happy?">
Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, "Yep. One time the daughter
of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin' young girl. We
all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took
her back to her daddy." Again the reporter knew he couldn't print the
story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, "Is
there any event in your life that has made you really sad?">
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, "Well, I got lost once."
~~~
No Joke but!!!
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
STEVENS POINT, Wis. - If only all criminals were this helpful. A 24-year-old man called police to tell them he was trying to break into a church, but he wasn't having much luck.
Police said the found the man waiting at St. Paul's Lutheran Church. The man told them he had hoped to get married in the church and was trying to use a metal shovel to break through the doors. He told them he figured they could help.
Officers search the man and found marijuana. He then invited them to his home, where he told them they would find more drugs.
They did: He showed them his stash of marijuana and stolen prescription drugs.
The man was arrested on charges of criminal damage to property, possession of drugs
and paraphernalia, police said.
Town officals were astounded.
"There aren't many arrests like that," Police Chief Jeff Morris said.
~~~
F&C
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden,
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used
to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie
Now that's Italian!
----------
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hilary's clock?" asked the man. "Hilary's clock is in Jesus'
office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
~~~
Sunday Morning Sex :
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex
would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we
figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous,
simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.
~~~
For all of you who might be speeding at some point!
subject: Police Remarks
The Following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual
police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're
new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your
birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In
case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the
ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that
I am the shift supervisor?"
# 9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K. I'm warning
you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
# 8 "The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
# 7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where
you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
# 6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven."
# 5 "In God we trust, all others we run through the system."
# 4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
# 3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have
quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
# 2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal
friend of yo u rs. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And... THE BEST ONE!!!
# 1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?...
You're right, we don't. . . . Sign here!
~~~
DU
Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:
READ SLOWLY
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you
do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
~~~
DU
Subject: RAISIN BREAD
RAISIN BREAD
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the
loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of
the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf.
The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided
with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves,
as he is having company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the
other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady catchs the eye of another
male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread,
just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really
going to have to try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the
men standing below
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "
Is it raisin for you too?"
No," stammers the old man, "but it sure is quiverin' "
~~~
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do lots of things that
took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator
and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge
looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his
heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with
no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels
again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my ass itches!!!!"
~~~
THREE WOMEN IN A SAUNA....
THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY -- WERE
SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS
LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN IN MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY
MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE
DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED
OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A
PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR
EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.
I'M GETTIN' A FAX."
~~~
ARK
Subject: The New Ferrari
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available, a brand new Ferrari
550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped
(about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek,
shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude
proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and
looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right . . . but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his
car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that
the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped
at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror
and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old
guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari
is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the
back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs
up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook . . . my suspenders from
your side-view mirror.
~~~
What Soldiers Fear
Chelsea Clinton asked a returning U.S. soldier about fear.
He said there were only 3 things he was afraid of:
Osama, Obama, and Yo Mama.
~~~
ONZ
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see
him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris,
no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no
more Infinities or Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht
club .... But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Our mistress is much prettier don't you think," she replies
~~~
DU
__
If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make h er gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off, because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was up stairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver, and all the spare parts: a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went up stairs where her husband was asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waking with his usual trumpeting which was fallowed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife cou ld hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked, "what was the matter?"
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years yo u have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God--
Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in,"
~~~~
Frank
Subject: The Alien Problem
Could be coincidence... but then again...
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an
unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep ranch
just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up
by the U.S. Air Force and the US government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948,
exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney,
Donald Rumsfeld, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condoleezza Rice, and Dan
Quayle were all born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?
This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
[kinda hate slandering the sheep that way]
~~~
KIW
A farmer in Culpeper, VA went to the local branch of Wachovia Bank to
borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent
the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.
The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look
at a cow. Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look
at the bull.
Next week Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.
The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows!
He even broke through the fence, and serviced all my neighbor's cows!
He's been servicing just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"
"Wow," said Banker Bill," what did the vet do to that bull?"
"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.
"I don't know, but they kind of tastes like peppermint."
~~~
Premature Ejaculation Joke
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself”.
One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He’s so horney and keen to try out his new ‘system’ that he doesn’t think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the ‘69’ position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”
The man answered, “Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!”
~~~
GM Jr
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? "The birch says
he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The
birch
says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
~~~
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete
with pager.
As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's
fat!"
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"
The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother
gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief
lull the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager
began to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
~~~
mykil
06-20-2007, 12:20 PM
<B>BLONDE JOKES VIA LORRIE
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What ' s the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There ' s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR ' S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor ' s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You ' re not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I ' m actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT ' S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We ' re going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can ' t land on the sun, you idiot! You ' ll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We ' re not stupid, you know. We ' re going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They ' re watch dogs!"
</B>
mykil
06-20-2007, 12:24 PM
via Lorrie again!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.
He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air and hands it back to her.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her dreams with him and he shares his with hers. She listens. He listens. It's a beautiful thing.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come back to her apartment for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks him a magnificent breakfast, with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been absolutely incredible!
"You know, "he says, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . .
(SCROLL DOWN)
You just happened to catch my eye."
mykil
07-02-2007, 10:44 AM
Letters That Stumped Dear Abby
Via LULU
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Foul Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
mykil
07-02-2007, 10:47 AM
Via Lorrie
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
************************************************** <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cook ing to o many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" <o:p></o:p>
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Via Sara
this is the uncensered section so don't flip out for the cap locks Barry!!!! LMAO!!!
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>HONEY, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>HE LOOKs AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>"GE" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>I DON'T THINK SO. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>FINE, ...THEN THE WIFE ASKS, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>TO WHICH HE REPLIED, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,FFFF>FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?<?/color><?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999> <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>I DON'T THINK SO <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>FINE, SHE SAYS <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>TO THE FRONT DOOR? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>WANT TO FIX THE STEPS. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>I DON'T THINK SO <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!! <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>COUPLE OF HOURS..............................<?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>TO GO HOME <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>OUTSIDE AND CRIED. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>HE SAID, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>SHE REPLIED, HELLOOOOO.. <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>ON MY FOREHEAD? <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFF,0000,9999>I DON'T THINK SO! <?/color><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
07-10-2007, 10:33 AM
via sara
A blonde rear-ended a car a few days ago.
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He was pissed!
He looked up at the blond and said, "I am NOT happy!"
The blond said, "Then which one are you?"
mykil
07-12-2007, 03:18 PM
Via Lorrie
Subject: Poems for Women and Men
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't care.<!-- / message --><!-- sig -->
psaltz
07-13-2007, 12:45 PM
A man and a woman who had never met before and were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly; he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
mykil
07-29-2007, 06:28 PM
via sara
Did you ever wonder where this term came from?<?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,8080,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger> It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,8080,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger> The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,8080,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger> There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,8080,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger> But if this plate was made of iron,the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,8080,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger> Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?color><?param 0000,8080,FFFF><?bigger><?bigger> Thus it was, quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param New York><?smaller>
mykil
07-29-2007, 06:30 PM
Maybe the Best Blonde Joke Ever! via sara<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>fill it up again?"<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
07-31-2007, 04:36 PM
via lorrie
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.
He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
mykil
08-06-2007, 07:52 PM
Now this one really cheers me up via sara
A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
This means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.
Not bad!
mykil
08-06-2007, 08:01 PM
via lorrie
husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his
wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in
price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most
sheer item, pays the $500, andtakes it home. He presents it to his wife and
asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife
thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I
won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and
keep the $500 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and
strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd
at least iron it!' He never
heard the shot. Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin.
mykil
08-10-2007, 11:08 AM
The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of the current U.S. President, George W. Bush, to honor his achievements while serving as President of our nation.
via sara
The problem was discovered when claims were made that the stamp wasn’t sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the 'George W' postage was not being delivered. President Bush demanded a full investigation into the allegations.
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, they made the following findings:
THE TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Pro Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak please.
13. Cappuccino Latte tastes better than Expresso.
12. The tires on that truck are just too big.
11. I've saved it all on the C: drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You Guys.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm driving!
mykil
08-13-2007, 02:12 PM
via Lorrie
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
mykil
08-15-2007, 02:04 PM
via sara
For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were married, or
wish they weren't married, this is something to smile about the
next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of
the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the
Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I
got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."
mykil
08-15-2007, 02:06 PM
Official Announcement:<?/x-tad-smaller><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,8080><?bigger><?bigger>The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,8080><?bigger><?bigger>To a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,8080><?bigger><?bigger>Stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,8080><?bigger><?bigger>Generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?color><?param 0000,0000,8080><?bigger><?bigger>While you're actually being screwed<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Times New Roman><?bigger><?bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
08-15-2007, 02:08 PM
What Starts with F and ends with K?
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. < /B>
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
I know you were thinking this was a nasty joke ---you gutter minded people, I'm so ashamed of you!
<XBODY><!-- toctype = X-unknown --><!-- toctype = text --><!-- text --><!-- toctype = message --><!-- toctype = X-unknown --><!-- toctype = text --><!-- text --><!-- toctype = message --><!-- toctype = X-unknown --><!-- toctype = text --><!-- text --><!-- toctype = message --><!-- toctype = X-unknown --><!-- toctype = text --><!-- text -->
mykil
08-15-2007, 02:10 PM
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Oh gad, is that barbaric or what? We're so civilized now we don't need to make rules about that stuff.
-------------------------------------------
Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
You see, the truth of the matter is: we ladies invented the game and excluded ourselves to get the men out of the house so we could have some time to ourselves. Who in the hell wants to go walk around in the cold rain and hit a tinsy ball with a log skinny stick into a weensy hole a half mile away when you could be at home by a nice fire using 2 tiny sticks and wrapping a little piece of string around them over and over and over...You see I just don't get men.
-------------------------------------------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
-------------------------------------------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
-------------------------------------------
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
What good is the small print anyway.
-------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
I only drank it when it had cocaine in it anyway.
-------------------------------------------
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
-------------------------------------------
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
-------------------------------------------
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
That must mean that redheads are THE most intelligent of all of us!!!
You know because of the copper.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
There's still time for Bush to get in his 2 cents.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
I always thought honeymoons were too short. (hint, hint)
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Hey, I thought that stood for punctuation and some word I just didn't know that meant manners.
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
It was fun to read wasn't it?
Love LZ
Let them fly, let us all fly free!
www.thebirdsanctuary.org (https://www.thebirdsanctuary.org/)
psaltz
08-15-2007, 02:36 PM
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
Bartender: "What about the wooden leg?! You didn't have that before."
Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"
Pirate: "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."
Pirate: "Well, it was my first day with the hook."
mykil
08-23-2007, 10:02 AM
New US Government Agency
----150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private
investigator - Alan Pinkerton for protection.
That was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, the federal government has produced a large number of
multi-letter agencies such as: FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc., etc.
Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service ".
Can't you see them now, these 'highly trained' men and women in their black
outfits with jackets saying across their backs: F. A. T. A. S. S.
The FATASS's are of course supervised by a special section of the Home Land
Securi ty Section known as: Airport Security Service Home Office Logistics
Enhancement Section or the A.S.S.H.O.L.E.S.
I feel safer already
mykil
08-23-2007, 12:03 PM
Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter - and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Cashtration (n.):
The act of buying (or building) a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus :
A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3 Intaxication :
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation:
Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little
sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy :
Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti:
Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm :
The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte:
To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Hipatitis :
Terminal coolness.
11. Osteopornosis:
A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
12. Karmageddon :
It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.
13. Decafalon (n.):
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
14. Glibido :
All talk and no action.
15. Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.):
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
17. Beelzebug (n.):
Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
18. Caterpallor (n.):
The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words:
And the winners are:
1. Coffee , n.
The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.
Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v.
To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade , v.
To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly , adj.
Impotent.
6. Negligent , adj.
Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.
To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle , n.
Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence , n.
Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash , n.
A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n.
A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude , n.
The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.
A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster , n.
A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n.
The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent , n.
An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
mykil
08-23-2007, 12:15 PM
Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7.. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goesIT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
mykil
08-23-2007, 12:16 PM
Zen Sarcasm
>
>1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
>me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
>much leave me alone.
>
>2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
>leaky tire.
>
>3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal
>your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
>
>4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
>promoted.
>
>5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
>
>6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
>
>7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
>of car payments.
>
>8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
>shoes. That way, when
>you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
>
>9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
>
>10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
>fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
>
>11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
>probably worth it.
>
>12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
>
>13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
>
>14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
>
>15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
>put it back in your pocket.
>
>16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
>
>17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
>side, and it holds the universe together.
>
>18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one
>works.
>
>19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
>moving.
>
>20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
>it.
>
>21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>
>22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
>laxative on the same night.
mykil
08-23-2007, 12:19 PM
Anger management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an @#%$!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the wordmailto:%27@#%$%27 ('@#%$%27)next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @#%$!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeuticmailto:%27@#%$%27 ('@#%$%27) calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @#%$!" and hung up.
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first @#%$ (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW @#%$, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an @#%$!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea. I called @#%$ #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an @#%$!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "@#%$, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @#%$," and hung up.
Then I called @#%$ #2.
He said, "Hello?"
I said, "Hello, @#%$,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, @#%$, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.
NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work.
mykil
08-23-2007, 12:49 PM
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O /><O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!" <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, threw up in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>His son replies, "Oh, THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>Broken furniture -- $85.26 <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>Hot Breakfast -- $4.20 <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>Red Rose bud -- $3.00 <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>Two Aspirins -- $.38 <O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.<O:P></O:P>
<O:P> </O:P>
mykil
08-23-2007, 02:17 PM
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now deceased prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bert forcompanionship.
One sunny afternoon the fairy godmother appeared.
Cinderella said,
"Fairy godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The fairy godmother replied,
"Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'll grant you three wishes, is thee anything for
which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks and I wish I were wealthy.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, fairy godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least I can do.What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had"
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says,
"I wish for you to transform Bert, my old cat,
into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bert suddenly stood before her as a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmotherwas gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments
Bert and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bert held Cinderella in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as hewhispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
mykil
08-23-2007, 02:23 PM
Italian Men
ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stood up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wailed.
Then she yelled,'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there was silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Italian man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was gorgeous, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt - one button at a time.
.......No one moved.
.......He removed his shirt.
......Muscles rippled across his chest.
......She gasped...
......and He said......
'Iron this, and get me something to eat....' <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
mykil
08-23-2007, 02:35 PM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is SO much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, your son, John
PS: Dad, None of the above is true. I'm next door at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer... I love you! Call me when it is safe for me to come home." <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
mykil
08-23-2007, 02:42 PM
This is way too cool. Think you will be surprised and in awe as I was.
YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read ...
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS
Barry
08-28-2007, 11:20 AM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course,
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic {gives off heat) or endothermic absorbs
heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law:
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one
of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death
rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during
my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...,
leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being,
which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
mykil
09-03-2007, 10:12 AM
via sara
WHY MEN DO NOT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS
Dear <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Times><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> Walter:<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Times><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>
<?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Times><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Georgia><?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>
<?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Times><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Lusk<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
Walter
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
09-04-2007, 01:32 PM
via lorrie
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on
the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about
twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order
to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic
grouchy old man He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly
during
the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he
became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived
at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to
retrieve her glasses the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."
mykil
09-11-2007, 09:32 AM
Cannibal restaurant via Sara
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Arial><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Arial><?x-tad-bigger>A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Republican?'
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
09-12-2007, 09:33 AM
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking,<?bigger> <?/bigger> "surely I can't look that old?" well... You'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.<?bigger>
<?/bigger>Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same<?bigger> <?/bigger>name<?bigger> <?/bigger>had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too<?color><?param 0000,8080,8080> <?/color>old to<?color><?param 0000,8080,8080> <?/color>have been my classmate!
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park<?bigger> <?/bigger>High<?bigger> <?/bigger>School . <?color><?param 0000,8080,8080> <?/color>"Yes - yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat,<?bigger> <?/bigger>gray,<?bigger> <?/bigger>decrepit son-of-a-<?color><?param 0000,8080,8080> <?/color>asked, "What did you teach?"<?bigger>
<?/bigger>
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
09-12-2007, 02:57 PM
Be sure to read all the way to the end...
> An old tale . . . but still has the ring of truth.
>
> King Arthur and the Witch:
>
> Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
> neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by
> Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long
> as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
> figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would
> be put to death.
>
> The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex
> even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an
> impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the
> monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
>
> He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the
> priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but
> no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
>
> Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have
> the answer.
>
> But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the
> kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
>
> The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to
> the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to
> her price first.
>
> The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights
> of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
>
> Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one
> tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never
> encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
>
> He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible
> burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
>
> He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and
> the preservation of the Round Table.
>
> Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
> thus:
>
> What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own
> life.
>
> Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great
> truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
>
> And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and
> Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
>
> The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a
> horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The
> most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The
> astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
>
> The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared
> as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half
> the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
>
> Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
>
> Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to
> show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old
> witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by
> night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
>
> What would YOU do?
>
> What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll
> down below. OKAY?
>
> Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
>
> Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time
> because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
>
> Now....what is the moral to this story?
>
> The moral is.....
>
> If you don't let a woman have her own way....
>
> Things are going to get ugly!
mykil
09-17-2007, 11:49 AM
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their
>
> lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and
>
> decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with
>
> the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
>
> She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her
>
> feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and
>
> solitude are magnificent.
>
>
>
> Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He
>
> pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good
>
> morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>
>
>
> "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't
>
> that obvious?").
>
>
>
> "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs
>
> her.
>
>
>
> "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm
>
> reading."
>
>
>
> "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all
>
> I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to
>
> take you in and write you up."
>
>
>
> "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
>
> sexual assault," says the woman.
>
>
>
> "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game
>
> Warden.
>
>
>
> "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For
>
> all I know you could start at any moment."
>
>
>
> "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>
>
>
> MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's
>
> likely she can also think.
mykil
09-17-2007, 01:53 PM
Via Sara
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then
-- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and
soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to
relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and
more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV
and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her
mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix,
but I couldn't help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir,
Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused,
asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me
to say this, but your thinking has
become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to
find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation
with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college
professors and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal
with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed
for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking
lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't
open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that
night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster
caught my eye:
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers
Anonymous poster. This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I
never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video;
last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided
thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed
easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery
is nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step...I joined the Republican Party.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
09-18-2007, 09:23 AM
VIA SARA
Finally, a definition of globalization <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>I can to which I can relate: <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Question<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>:<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?bigger> <?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>What is the truest definition of Globalization?<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?bigger> <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>An English princess<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?bigger> <?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>with<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>crashes in a French<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>with a Dutch engine,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>driven by a Belgian<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>who was drunk<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>(check the bottle before you change the spelling),<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>on Japanese motorcycles;<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>treated by an American doctor,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?bigger> <?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>using<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>This is sent to you by<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>using Bill Gates's technology,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>and you're probably reading this on your computer,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>in a Singapore plant,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>transported by Indian<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>hijacked by Indonesians,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>That, my friends, is Globalization
mykil
09-20-2007, 09:41 AM
The population of this country is 300 million.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>160 million are retired.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>That leaves 140 million to do the work.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>There are 85 million in school.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Which leaves 55 million to do the work.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Leaving 15 million to do the work.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS> <?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work. <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>That leaves just two people to do the work.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>You and me.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>And there you are,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Sitting on your ass,<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>At your computer, reading jokes.<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger> <?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?x-tad-bigger>Nice. Real nice<?/x-tad-bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
09-24-2007, 09:49 AM
Retirement is different for everyone...
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a
nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on
the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my
way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with
the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went
inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.
"Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your
front lawn?"
"Yes," she said. "They're retired prostitutes, and
they're having a yard sale."
mykil
09-24-2007, 09:52 AM
September 24, 2007
O.J. Seeks His Old Jury
Oh Sara
Launches Manhunt for ’95 Panel
Facing ten felony counts after his ill-fated attempt to acquire sports
memorabilia, O.J. Simpson announced today that he would attempt to
reassemble the jury that found him not guilty in his 1995 murder trial.
Speaking to reporters in Las Vegas, the former football star said he
would “spare no offense” to find the twelve jurors who set him free
twelve years ago.
“This current case is a very complicated once – maybe even trickier
than my murder trial,” Mr. Simpson told reporters. “It’s important
that we have a jury that really knows what they’re doing.”
Mr. Simpson acknowledged that it might be difficult to locate all
twelve of the jurors who found him innocent in 1995, but indicated that
“all the time and the effort in the world” was worth it.
“Look, I’ve spent the last twelve years looking for my wife’s real
killers,” he said. “I can use some of that energy to look for those
jurors.”
Mr. Simpson said that in his new trial he would attempt to rekindle
nostalgic feelings among the jurors by wearing the same suit he wore
during the 1995 proceedings, adding, “If the suit does fit, they must
acquit.”
When asked what he plans to do if it proves impossible to reconstitute
his 1995 jury, he said, “I’ll settle for Phil Spector’s.”
As for his current scrape with the law, Mr. Simpson told reporters that
he had already learned a valuable lesson: “Next time I want sports
memorabilia, I’m going on eBay.”
Elsewhere, Starbucks said it will give away 50 million free digital
songs to its customers, but in keeping with Starbucks tradition, they
will not be the songs the customers ordered.
mykil
09-24-2007, 09:53 AM
Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George Bush are captured by terrorists and
>told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning
Just as
>the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the
>wall. Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells,
"Earthquake!"
>The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the wall and
escapes
>in the confusion.
>
>John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall. The squad is
>reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done. Before
the
>order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!" Again the squad falls
>apart and Kerry slips over the wall, thus making his escape.
>
>The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He
thinks, "I
>see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the
>wall." As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
>direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, "Fire!"
Sara S
09-27-2007, 07:14 AM
Highly Confidential
From: George Walker Bush
Dear Sir / Madam,
I Am George Walker Bush, Son Of The Former President Of The United States Of
America George Herbert Walker Bush, And Currently Serving As President Of The
United States Of America. This Letter Might Surprise You Because We Have Not
Met Neither In Person Nor By Correspondence. I Came To Know Of You In My Search
For A Reliable And Reputable Person To Handle A Very Confidential Business
Transaction, Which Involves The Transfer Of A Huge Sum Of Money To An Account
Requiring Maximum Confidence.
I Am Writing You In Absolute Confidence Primarily To Seek Your Assistance In
Acquiring Oil Funds That Are Presently Trapped In The Republic Of Iraq. My
Partners And I Solicit Your Assistance In Completing A Transaction Begun By My
Father, Who Has Long Been Actively Engaged In The Extraction Of Petroleum In
The United States Of America, And Bravely Served His Country As Director Of The
United States Central Intelligence Agency.
In The Decade Of The Nineteen-eighties, My Father, Then Vice-president Of The
United States Of America, Sought To Work With The Good Offices Of The President
Of The Republic Of Iraq To Regain Lost Oil Revenue Sources In The Neighboring
Islamic Republic Of Iran. This Unsuccessful Venture Was Soon Followed By A
Falling Out With His Iraqi Partner, Who Sought To Acquire Additional Oil
Revenue Sources In The Neighboring Emirate Of Kuwait, A Wholly-owned
U.s.-british Subsidiary.
My Father Re-secured The Petroleum Assets Of Kuwait In 1991 At A Cost Of
Sixty-one Billion U.s. Dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out Of That Cost,
Thirty-six Billion Dollars ($36,000,000,000) Were Supplied By His Partners In
The Kingdom Of Saudi Arabia And Other Persian Gulf Monarchies, And Sixteen
Billion Dollars ($16,000,000,000) By German And Japanese Partners.
But My Father's Former Iraqi Business Partner Remained In Control Of The
Republic Of Iraq And Its Petroleum Reserves.
My Family Is Calling For Your Urgent Assistance In Funding The Removal Of The
President Of The Republic Of Iraq And Acquiring The Petroleum Assets Of His
Country, As Compensation For The Costs Of Removing Him From Power.
Unfortunately, Our Partners From 1991 Are Not Willing To Shoulder The Burden Of
This New Venture, Which In Its Upcoming Phase May Cost The Sum Of 100 Billion
To 200 Billion Dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), Both In The
Initial Acquisition And In Long-term Management.
Without The Funds From Our 1991 Partners, We Would Not Be Able To Acquire The
Oil Revenue Trapped Within Iraq. That Is Why My Family And Our Colleagues Are
Urgently Seeking Your Gracious Assistance. Our Distinguished Colleagues In This
Business Transaction Include The Sitting Vice-president Of The United States Of
America, Richard Cheney, Who Is An Original Partner In The Iraq Venture And
Former Head Of The Alliburton Oil Company, And Condoleeza Rice, Whose
Professional Dedication To The Venture Was Demonstrated In The Naming Of A
Chevron Oil Tanker After Her.
I Would Beseech You To Transfer A Sum Equaling Ten To Twenty-five Percent
(10-25 %) Of Your Yearly Income To Our Account To Aid In This Important
Venture. The Internal Revenue Service Of The United States Of America Will
Function As Our Trusted Intermediary. I Propose That You Make This Transfer
Before The Fifteenth (15th) Of The Month Of April.
I Know That A Transaction Of This Magnitude Would Make Anyone Apprehensive And
Worried. But I Am Assuring You That All Will Be Well At The End Of The Day. A
Bold Step Taken Shall Not Be Regretted, I Assure You. Please Do Be Informed
That This Business Transaction Is 100% Legal. If You Do Not Wish To Co-operate
In This Transaction, Please Contact Our Intermediary Representatives To Further
Discuss The Matter.
I Pray That You Understand Our Plight. My Family And Our Colleagues Will Be
Forever Grateful. Please Reply In Strict Confidence To The Contact Numbers
Below.
Sincerely With Warm Regards,
George Walker Bush
mykil
09-28-2007, 09:18 AM
One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the
small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them
very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her
side,sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side
to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips,
first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside
of her thighs. His gentle
stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman
was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
" Why are you stopping"? she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote
mykil
10-01-2007, 09:23 AM
Via SAra I personaly think number three is a mush have!
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near
50) are
quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure
about
the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct
as we
try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on
the
streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be
avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3 . A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7 A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10 Bikinis and liver spots
11 Short shorts and varicose veins
12 Inline skates and a walker
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
mykil
10-21-2007, 11:10 AM
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.......<o:p></o:p>
In Honour of Stupid People!<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) :<o:p></o:p>
· "Do not turn upside down."<o:p></o:p>
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On Sainsbury's peanuts:<o:p></o:p>
· "Warning: contains nuts."<o:p></o:p>
(Talk about a news flash)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:<o:p></o:p>
· "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."<o:p></o:p>
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head colds off those bulldozers.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:<o:p></o:p>
· "Product will be hot after heating."<o:p></o:p>
(...And you thought????...)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On a Sears hairdryer:<o:p></o:p>
· "Do not use while sleeping."<o:p></o:p>
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On a bag of Fritos:<o:p></o:p>
· "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. "<o:p></o:p>
(The shoplifter special?)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On a bar of Dial soap:<o:p></o:p>
· "Directions: Use like regular soap."<o:p></o:p>
(And that would be???....)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On some Swanson frozen dinners:<o:p></o:p>
· "Serving suggestion: Defrost."<o:p></o:p>
(But, it's just a suggestion.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On packaging for a Rowena iron:<o:p></o:p>
· "Do not iron clothes on body."<o:p></o:p>
(But wouldn't this save me time?)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On Nytol Sleep Aid:<o:p></o:p>
· "Warning: May cause drowsiness."<o:p></o:p>
(And I'm taking this because???....)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On most brands of Christmas lights:<o:p></o:p>
· "For indoor or outdoor use only."<o:p></o:p>
(Does somebody know something that I don’t?)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On a Japanese food processor:<o:p></o:p>
· "Not to be used for the other use."<o:p></o:p>
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:<o:p></o:p>
· "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."<o:p></o:p>
(Step 3: say what?)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On a child's Superman costume:<o:p></o:p>
· "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."<o:p></o:p>
(Don’t blame the company.. blame the parents for this one.)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
On a Swedish chainsaw:<o:p></o:p>
· "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."<o:p></o:p>
(Oh my...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the <o:p></o:p>
stupidity. <o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
<v:shapetype id="_x0000_t75" stroked="f" filled="f" path="m@4@5l@4@11@9@11@9@5xe" o:preferrelative="t" o:spt="75" coordsize="21600,21600"><v:stroke joinstyle="miter"></v:stroke><v:formulas><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"></v:f><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"></v:f><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"></v:f></v:formulas><v:path o:connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" o:extrusionok="f"></v:path><o:lock aspectratio="t" v:ext="edit"></o:lock></v:shapetype><v:shape id="_x0000_i1025" style="width: 11.25pt; height: 11.25pt;" o:bullet="t" type="#_x0000_t75"><v:imagedata o:title="msoA621" src="file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/mykil/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msoclip1/01/clip_image001.gif"></v:imagedata></v:shape><o:p></o:p>
mykil
10-22-2007, 07:57 AM
Via Auntie Sara
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she
took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted
to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some
'Nair' hair remover and r ub it in the dog's ears once a month.
She leaves and on the way home goes to the drug store and
gets some 'Nair' hair remover. <?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>
<?/smaller><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?smaller> At the register the druggist tells her, <?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>
<?/smaller><?/fontfamily>
<?fontfamily><?param Arial><?smaller> 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.'
She says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The druggist says: <?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>
'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>
She replies: 'I'm not using it on my legs either; if you
must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.'
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>So, <?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>the druggist says: '<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> <?/color>then, stay off your bicycle for a week.'
<?/smaller><?/fontfamily>
mykil
10-22-2007, 08:00 AM
Via Auntie Sara
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a
>20 hour shift.
>
> Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal
>thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with
>it.
>
> She looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without
>missing a beat says,
>
> "Well, that's just great.........That's really
>great.......... Some asshole's got my pen.<?/x-tad-bigger>
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."<?/smaller><?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,DDDD><?smaller>Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."<?/smaller><?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,DDDD><?smaller>He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."<?/smaller><?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,DDDD> <?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,DDDD><?smaller>"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
<?/smaller><?/color>
<?fontfamily><?param Times New Roman><?bigger><?bigger>
Barry
10-22-2007, 12:43 PM
A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department
of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size 34 B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What
kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you
that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would
know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We
don't get as many requests for them as we used to.
Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked,
"So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple.
The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation
Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra keeps
them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and
said: "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what
does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains
out of molehills."
mykil
10-24-2007, 02:05 PM
https://www.adultsheepfinder.com/
divine inspiration
10-27-2007, 10:49 AM
Would somebody please just give him a blow job so we can impeach him?!
mykil
11-08-2007, 12:55 PM
Via Sara
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see Accountants on my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second surgeon, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best.
Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles , chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC , shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; and the
head and the ass are interchangeable."<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
11-08-2007, 12:57 PM
Via Sara
Nursery Rhymes we didn't have as kids but probably should have........ <?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?bigger><?bigger>
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?fontfamily><?param Comic Sans MS><?bigger><?bigger>
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Mary had a little pig,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>She kept it fat and plastered;<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>And when the price of pork went up,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>She shot the little bastard.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?fontfamily><?param Verdana><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?/fontfamily><?color><?param 0000,807F,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Mary had a little lamb.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Her father shot it dead.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Now it goes to school with her,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Between two hunks of bread.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>********************<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Jack and Jill went up the hill<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>To have a little fun.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Stupid Jill forgot the pill<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>And now they have a son.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>********************<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param FFFE,0000,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param FFFE,0000,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Said Simple Simon to the pie man,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param FFFE,0000,0000><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>"What have you got there?"<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>
<?color><?param FFFE,0000,0000>Said the pie man unto Simon, <?/color>
<?color><?param FFFE,0000,0000>"Pies, you dumb ass" <?/color>
********************
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>All the kings' horses,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>And all the kings' men.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Had scrambled eggs,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>For breakfast again.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>********************<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Hey diddle, diddle, the cat<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> <?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE>took a piddle,<?/color><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>All over the bedside clock.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>The little dog laughed to<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger> <?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE>see such fun.<?/color><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Then died of electric shock.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,0000,FFFE><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>********************<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,807F><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,807F><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Kissed the girls and made them cry.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,807F><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>And when the boys came out to play,<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,807F><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 0000,807F,807F><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>********************<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger>
<HR>
<CENTER> </CENTER>
<HR>
<?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,3F3E,6261><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>There was a little girl who had a little curl<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,3F3E,6261><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>Right in the middle of her forehead.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,3F3E,6261><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>When she was good, she was very, very good.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,3F3E,6261><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>But when she was bad........<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?x-tad-bigger>
<?/x-tad-bigger><?color><?param 8180,3F3E,6261><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger><?bigger>
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?/bigger><?fontfamily><?param Times New Roman> <?/fontfamily><?/bigger><?/bigger>
mykil
11-08-2007, 12:58 PM
Via Sara
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5". She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
mykil
11-12-2007, 10:39 PM
Auntie Sara
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and
his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder,
who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA
people: 'What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon. Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said 'Why certainly!' and
told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.
An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped
laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE PEOPLE: THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND ! "
<?/smaller><?/fontfamily>
mykil
11-20-2007, 10:25 AM
Via Lorrie!
MORNING SEX
She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment.'
His eyes lit up and he thought,
'This is my lucky day.'
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her
and then gave it his all;
Right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,
'Thanks,'
and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked,
'What was that all about?'
She explained,
'The egg timer's broken.'
mykil
11-25-2007, 11:18 AM
via auntie sara
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. "Brokeback" weight
loss
program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10 lb. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that
reads, "If you catch me you can have me"
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's
worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same
routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover
that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50
lb.
program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative. "This is our most rigorous
program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds
a huge, hairy male standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes
and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine..."
mykil
11-25-2007, 11:21 AM
Via Auntie SAra
Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere.
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell.
Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
mykil
11-25-2007, 11:22 AM
via sara
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking,
smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks
up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's
it going?"
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in
the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody,
anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't
matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out
of college. I just flat out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are
you with?"<?/smaller><?/fontfamily>
mykil
11-27-2007, 03:53 PM
Via kathline
This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters 'dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'
THIS IS PRETTY COOLHAVE A GREAT DAY
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... Boxing
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... Asparagus and rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)
6. Three English words beginning with 'dw' Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ... Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.
mykil
11-27-2007, 11:50 PM
Senile Seniors via auntie sara<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/color><?bigger><?bigger>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF> No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>carved "I love you, Sally."<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>money--fifty-thousand dollars.<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Andy said, "We've got to give it back."<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" <?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Sally said, "No."<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday... "<?/color>
<?color><?param 0000,0000,FFFF>The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."<?/color>
<?/bigger><?/bigger><?/fontfamily>
mykil
11-28-2007, 03:37 PM
Definition of trust
Two cannabals giving each other head!
mykil
11-29-2007, 11:20 AM
Oh Lovly Lorrie
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earlspits,sips his beer and says, "Better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
mykil
11-30-2007, 09:07 PM
auntie sara
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
<o:p> </o:p>
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
<o:p> </o:p>
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
<o:p> </o:p>
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
<o:p> </o:p>
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
<o:p> </o:p>
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
<o:p> </o:p>
"Morris Fishbein," he replied.
<o:p> </o:p>
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and
<o:p> </o:p>
Praying? "
<o:p> </o:p>
"For about 60 years."
<o:p> </o:p>
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
<o:p> </o:p>
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the
<o:p> </o:p>
Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
<o:p> </o:p>
I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults,
<o:p> </o:p>
and to love their fellow man."
<o:p> </o:p>
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
<o:p> </o:p>
"Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall."
mykil
12-06-2007, 11:43 AM
This is sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...
1977 : Long hair
2007 : Longing for hair
1977 : KEG
2007: EKG
1977 : Acid rock
2007 : Acid reflux
1977 : Moving to California because it's cool
2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1977 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or
Liz Taylor
1977 : Seeds and stems
2007 : Roughage
1977 : Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM
1977 : Going to a new, hip joint
2007 : Receiving a new hip joint
1977 : Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones
1977 : Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system
1977 : Disco
2007: Costco
1977 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads
shaved
1977 : Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test
1977 : Whatever
2007 : Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
T he people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1989.
They are too young to remember the space
shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering! machine
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
So have a nice day!!!!! It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
mykil
12-09-2007, 01:25 PM
Two Little Old Ladies<?/bigger><?/color><?bigger>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>The thin one leaned over and<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Said, "Life is so darned boring. <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>We never have any fun any more. <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>And streak through that stupid flower show!"<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note. <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Completely naked, streaked <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>(as fast as an old lady can) <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Through the front door of the flower show.<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, <?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>Old lady came through the exit door holding an arrangement of roses and a $100 bill and surrounded by a cheering crowd.<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.<?/color>
<?color><?param 8080,0000,4040>"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement<?/color>
<?bigger>
mykil
12-09-2007, 01:26 PM
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would
now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and
will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous
mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention.
<?/smaller><?/fontfamily><?fontfamily><?param Arial><?smaller>
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P... E... N... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD
REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH***
mykil
12-10-2007, 12:40 PM
THOSE BORN 1920-1979
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO. IF YOU DON'T READ ANYTHING ELSE---VERY WELL STATED
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies i n baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle andNOONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.Andwe were O.K.
We would spend hours building o ur go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to sol ve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no l awsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told i t would happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, fa ilure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our livesfor our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids s o they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us...pass this ON!
mykil
12-12-2007, 03:56 PM
lusous lorrie
Poodle & the Leopard (from Ben Ezzell)
A Wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
<!-- Tahoma -->One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
<!-- Tahoma -->Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
You did notice the size of the print didn't you!?!