Mrs. Wacco
02-23-2007, 11:01 PM
I wasn't quite sure what to title this question but here goes. Please chime in with any juicy tidbits:
Dear Mrs Wacco - Why is it that I don't mind seeing my boyfriend kiss another woman on the lips, as long as I am there to witness it, but the thought of him kissing a woman without me being there, sends me through the roof with jealously.
I have a great time flirting and playing with other women at sex parties, but can't help feeling somewhat debauched over the next week. How can I place my actions and desires more in balance with my conscience?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous - So to your 1st question:
I think the jealousy part is old thinking/conditioning: he's not supposed to want to kiss someone else if he loves you. Like somehow you get less of the person. But if you're right there, you're giving permission, you're "controlling" the situation to some extent and that makes it safe. And it's not hidden or secret, which makes it even more safe.(unless you'd rather not know, which is a way to handle it too) You can see they're only kissing and he's still your boyfriend. If you're not there, your fears get to pop up, even if they're unfounded.
By saying: you can do this, but you can't do that, keeps you in control of the relationship and your experience, to the extent that you can control anything. When I call " red light" (which for me means: no others) I'm in control again. Are you a control freak too?
As for feeling debauched afterwards, let go of that. Either like what you're doing without judgment or you don't do it. Anything in between is crazy making. Unless you like being "bad" and like to be admonished. Did love = punishment growing up?
It's one thing to try out something only to find out you're not into it. But to repeat and then feel bad?? why??
The best "remedy" is to be aware and actively change your self-talk. If you really like going to the parties, and enjoy debauchery, then do it. And when your judgments come up, shoo them away. You're still a good person if you like going to sex parties.(were you brought up catholic?)
Hope that helps
Linda
Dear Linda - Thanks for the great response. Yes, I was raised catholic and yes, there was an incident in my early sexuality - first boyfriend and I, who were madly in love and waited 9 months to have sex, were found naked in my bedroom (he was actually hiding in the closet) by my father, who proceeded to beat the shit (literally) out of both of us, calling me a whore/slut, etc. When your father calls you a whore slut when you are an impressionable seventeen, you believe him. It took years for me to get over it.
At 18, I went to my father's alma mater for college, on his father's trust fund, (still trying to please my father and redeem myself) and proceeded to whore and slut around until I dropped out in my junior year, then, six months later, at twenty-one, ended up pregnant. It was my pregnancy which turned me around and I became the saintly mother instead of the confused whore. Good clarification on your part. You went right to the core. Thanks again.
Dear Mrs Wacco - Why is it that I don't mind seeing my boyfriend kiss another woman on the lips, as long as I am there to witness it, but the thought of him kissing a woman without me being there, sends me through the roof with jealously.
I have a great time flirting and playing with other women at sex parties, but can't help feeling somewhat debauched over the next week. How can I place my actions and desires more in balance with my conscience?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous - So to your 1st question:
I think the jealousy part is old thinking/conditioning: he's not supposed to want to kiss someone else if he loves you. Like somehow you get less of the person. But if you're right there, you're giving permission, you're "controlling" the situation to some extent and that makes it safe. And it's not hidden or secret, which makes it even more safe.(unless you'd rather not know, which is a way to handle it too) You can see they're only kissing and he's still your boyfriend. If you're not there, your fears get to pop up, even if they're unfounded.
By saying: you can do this, but you can't do that, keeps you in control of the relationship and your experience, to the extent that you can control anything. When I call " red light" (which for me means: no others) I'm in control again. Are you a control freak too?
As for feeling debauched afterwards, let go of that. Either like what you're doing without judgment or you don't do it. Anything in between is crazy making. Unless you like being "bad" and like to be admonished. Did love = punishment growing up?
It's one thing to try out something only to find out you're not into it. But to repeat and then feel bad?? why??
The best "remedy" is to be aware and actively change your self-talk. If you really like going to the parties, and enjoy debauchery, then do it. And when your judgments come up, shoo them away. You're still a good person if you like going to sex parties.(were you brought up catholic?)
Hope that helps
Linda
Dear Linda - Thanks for the great response. Yes, I was raised catholic and yes, there was an incident in my early sexuality - first boyfriend and I, who were madly in love and waited 9 months to have sex, were found naked in my bedroom (he was actually hiding in the closet) by my father, who proceeded to beat the shit (literally) out of both of us, calling me a whore/slut, etc. When your father calls you a whore slut when you are an impressionable seventeen, you believe him. It took years for me to get over it.
At 18, I went to my father's alma mater for college, on his father's trust fund, (still trying to please my father and redeem myself) and proceeded to whore and slut around until I dropped out in my junior year, then, six months later, at twenty-one, ended up pregnant. It was my pregnancy which turned me around and I became the saintly mother instead of the confused whore. Good clarification on your part. You went right to the core. Thanks again.