Valley Oak
05-09-2016, 12:18 AM
What Secret Male Sexual Fantasy Is Surprisingly Common? (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-common)
Fantasizing your wife having sex with another man—why is it such a turn-on?
Posted Feb 17, 2016
Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/leon-f-seltzer-phd)Evolution of the Self
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self)
https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/Etty-Candaules_King_of_Lydia_Shews_his_Wife_to_Gyges.jpg?itok=60atMt4w
Source: Candaulis/WikipediaSince pretty much the dawn of recorded history, men whose wives cheated on them have been ridiculed, demeaned, and made to feel weak, inferior, even contemptible. In our language such “sissy men” have been stigmatized as cuckolds—or cuckolded. Why, then, have stories, images, and videos of so-called “cuckold sex” become increasingly popular . . . and I mean, really popular?
For instance, in neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam’s A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships (https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877)(2012), the authors tell us that in their exhaustive Web explorations they discovered that, regarding heterosexual interest on English language search engines, cuckold porn (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/pornography) was second only to the category Youth as the most looked-up topic. And in his provocative article “Cuckolded: Why Do So Many Men Fantasize About Their Wives Cheating on Them?” (https://www.playboy.com/articles/why-do-men-fantasize-about-wives-cheating)(playboy.com, 07/31/15), the social psychologist Justin Lehmiller also alludes to trends revealing the surge of interest in cuckold scenarios, pointing out that even a cursory search on Amazon will turn up hundreds of books on such erotica and that the Internet, too, resoundingly echoes this “huge demand” for graphic depictions of such sex. In particular, Xtube and PornHub are singled out as responding to this ever-growing desire in men to “play out” in their heads this prevalent (but typically private) fantasy.
The writer I’ll be citing the most, however, is David J. Ley, a fellow blogger for Psychology Today and the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them (https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316)(2012). Still, inasmuch as this post is devoted exclusively to delineating the various reasons so many men salaciously imagine—rather than act out—fantasies (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fantasies) of their partner's having sex (and wild, no-holds-barred sex at that!) with other men, I’ll limit myself to referring to his PT post “Why Would You Do That? (Watch Your Wife with another Man)” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201007/why-would-you-do-watch-your-wife-another-man)(07/08/10).
As so many other authors, Ley agrees that wife-sharing fantasies are quite common. In fact, in some respects, they’re so prevalent as to be almost normative. Which should be a great comfort to multitudes of men who in message boards all over the Internet repeatedly ask whether these secret desires mean that they’re deviant—that there’s something essentially wrong with them. Confused or embarrassed by such proclivities, they frequently wish they weren’t so turned on by the idea of being cuckolded. Routinely, however, when sex therapists respond to these worrisome anxieties, they hasten to assure them that, no, rarely are such fantasies anything to be disturbed about—while at the same time proposing any number of explanations as to what, innocently, may be driving their unorthodox imaginings.
One last caveat here. Although I’ll be taking my cue from David Ley in elucidating the various motivating factors in a man’s fantasizing his wife—or, though far less often, his girlfriend—as engaging in sex with another man, I won’t also be considering, as does Ley, those instances where the imagined scenario actually takes place. My sole concern here is examining what motivates these illicit fantasies. And I hardly need add here that in virtually every case, these imaginings are watched, read about, or pictorially viewed during the act of solo sex (i.e., masturbation (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/masturbation)).
Nonetheless, I might note that many experts writing on the subject of cuckold sex have observed that its reality (including its many variations—not just “watching in” or joining a threesome, but group and orgy sex centering on one’s partner as well) generally doesn’t begin to live up to the fantasy. Too many other emotions (i.e., other than pure lust) are likely to interfere with its enticement—like embarrassment (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/embarrassment), jealousy (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/jealousy), fear (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fear), shame, anger (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anger), and resentment. After all, contrived fantasies are perfectly orchestrated, or tailor-made, to optimally arouse one’s libido. Real-life threesomes—really, what I’d call three- (not two-) dimensional sex, where unwelcome sights, smells, and unanticipated emotional complexities intrude—have a way of compromising what, in one’s imagination, was so thrilling. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but if it’s to be attempted its associated risks definitely need to be evaluated beforehand.
Anyhow, let’s look at the various explanations that can help us better understand the dynamics of this popular (though “unauthorized”) sexual fantasy. It’s not yet so common as to be commonplace . . . but it does seem to be moving in that direction.
My Wife Is a Hottie!
Ley hypothesizes that men currently live in a “pornified culture,” so that their sexual appetites can hardly help but be influenced by the lustful “realities” they encounter on the Web. As a result of repeated exposure to the seductive exaggerations of Internet sex, wh,ywouldn’t their erotic fantasies begin to include images of their wife’s being ecstatically “done” by some powerful, oversexed stud (with whom they conveniently identify!)?
Continues here (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-common)
Fantasizing your wife having sex with another man—why is it such a turn-on?
Posted Feb 17, 2016
Leon F Seltzer Ph.D.
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/leon-f-seltzer-phd)Evolution of the Self
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self)
https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/article-inline-half/public/field_blog_entry_images/Etty-Candaules_King_of_Lydia_Shews_his_Wife_to_Gyges.jpg?itok=60atMt4w
Source: Candaulis/WikipediaSince pretty much the dawn of recorded history, men whose wives cheated on them have been ridiculed, demeaned, and made to feel weak, inferior, even contemptible. In our language such “sissy men” have been stigmatized as cuckolds—or cuckolded. Why, then, have stories, images, and videos of so-called “cuckold sex” become increasingly popular . . . and I mean, really popular?
For instance, in neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam’s A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships (https://www.amazon.com/Billion-Wicked-Thoughts-Internet-Relationships/dp/0452297877)(2012), the authors tell us that in their exhaustive Web explorations they discovered that, regarding heterosexual interest on English language search engines, cuckold porn (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/pornography) was second only to the category Youth as the most looked-up topic. And in his provocative article “Cuckolded: Why Do So Many Men Fantasize About Their Wives Cheating on Them?” (https://www.playboy.com/articles/why-do-men-fantasize-about-wives-cheating)(playboy.com, 07/31/15), the social psychologist Justin Lehmiller also alludes to trends revealing the surge of interest in cuckold scenarios, pointing out that even a cursory search on Amazon will turn up hundreds of books on such erotica and that the Internet, too, resoundingly echoes this “huge demand” for graphic depictions of such sex. In particular, Xtube and PornHub are singled out as responding to this ever-growing desire in men to “play out” in their heads this prevalent (but typically private) fantasy.
The writer I’ll be citing the most, however, is David J. Ley, a fellow blogger for Psychology Today and the author of Insatiable Wives: Women Who Stray and the Men Who Love Them (https://www.amazon.com/Insatiable-Wives-Women-Stray-Love/dp/1442200316)(2012). Still, inasmuch as this post is devoted exclusively to delineating the various reasons so many men salaciously imagine—rather than act out—fantasies (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fantasies) of their partner's having sex (and wild, no-holds-barred sex at that!) with other men, I’ll limit myself to referring to his PT post “Why Would You Do That? (Watch Your Wife with another Man)” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201007/why-would-you-do-watch-your-wife-another-man)(07/08/10).
As so many other authors, Ley agrees that wife-sharing fantasies are quite common. In fact, in some respects, they’re so prevalent as to be almost normative. Which should be a great comfort to multitudes of men who in message boards all over the Internet repeatedly ask whether these secret desires mean that they’re deviant—that there’s something essentially wrong with them. Confused or embarrassed by such proclivities, they frequently wish they weren’t so turned on by the idea of being cuckolded. Routinely, however, when sex therapists respond to these worrisome anxieties, they hasten to assure them that, no, rarely are such fantasies anything to be disturbed about—while at the same time proposing any number of explanations as to what, innocently, may be driving their unorthodox imaginings.
One last caveat here. Although I’ll be taking my cue from David Ley in elucidating the various motivating factors in a man’s fantasizing his wife—or, though far less often, his girlfriend—as engaging in sex with another man, I won’t also be considering, as does Ley, those instances where the imagined scenario actually takes place. My sole concern here is examining what motivates these illicit fantasies. And I hardly need add here that in virtually every case, these imaginings are watched, read about, or pictorially viewed during the act of solo sex (i.e., masturbation (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/masturbation)).
Nonetheless, I might note that many experts writing on the subject of cuckold sex have observed that its reality (including its many variations—not just “watching in” or joining a threesome, but group and orgy sex centering on one’s partner as well) generally doesn’t begin to live up to the fantasy. Too many other emotions (i.e., other than pure lust) are likely to interfere with its enticement—like embarrassment (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/embarrassment), jealousy (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/jealousy), fear (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fear), shame, anger (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anger), and resentment. After all, contrived fantasies are perfectly orchestrated, or tailor-made, to optimally arouse one’s libido. Real-life threesomes—really, what I’d call three- (not two-) dimensional sex, where unwelcome sights, smells, and unanticipated emotional complexities intrude—have a way of compromising what, in one’s imagination, was so thrilling. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but if it’s to be attempted its associated risks definitely need to be evaluated beforehand.
Anyhow, let’s look at the various explanations that can help us better understand the dynamics of this popular (though “unauthorized”) sexual fantasy. It’s not yet so common as to be commonplace . . . but it does seem to be moving in that direction.
My Wife Is a Hottie!
Ley hypothesizes that men currently live in a “pornified culture,” so that their sexual appetites can hardly help but be influenced by the lustful “realities” they encounter on the Web. As a result of repeated exposure to the seductive exaggerations of Internet sex, wh,ywouldn’t their erotic fantasies begin to include images of their wife’s being ecstatically “done” by some powerful, oversexed stud (with whom they conveniently identify!)?
Continues here (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201602/what-secret-male-sexual-fantasy-is-surprisingly-common)